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Original poster

Played by Ex, self worth in the toilet

118 replies

Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 19:58

Hi

Just need some advice and a stern talking to here. I was on and off with my ex for 4 years. I know now what a complete waste of time it all was…I was blamed for all sorts, being too impatient, pestering him to move the relationship forward etc. Nothing I did was good enough and he frequently disappeared for weeks and would completely give me the silent treatment. I am 41 and he is 38.
Anyway I did a period of no contact a few months ago and started to feel better. He got in touch as he does every single time and we started to talk and he wanted us to continue talking, said all the right things, I was a lot calmer etc and we started to talk everyday and planned to meet up.
Long story short I found out that he actually was already in a relationship and had been since middle of last year. She doesn’t know I exist and for my own personal reasons I won’t be telling her at all so no judgement please on that one (long story).
So effectively she started out the OW and over time I became the OW without actually knowing!
He says he loves her, she has already been shown commitment and things that I could NEVER get and worst of all she’s 28. She has been integrated into his life etc.
He told me he never wanted more children, we each have our own children from previous marriages but now he’s saying he is open to the idea of a family with her etc.
Since finding this out he has been saying he wants to give me a chance and spend time with me obviously he just wants his cake and eat it. I won’t be doing this and I’m in no contact. I have been completely played all these years and he had no intention of moving us forward and I was just a well kept secret.

The issue is I feel awful! My self worth is shattered, my heart is broken and I’m starting over at 41. I can’t see how I’ll ever trust anyone again and also now I just think that all men want younger women! I was so so stupid all this time.
I just need a handhold and some positive stories that this will get better Sad

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 20/06/2021 15:34

You are avoiding addressing whether you have blocked him or not so my guess is that you haven't blocked him yet.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of being flattered by the attention and the ego boost, but it is not worth it as you know well that your mental health and emotional wellbeing has taken a severe battering.

You need to take control of the situation by being responsible for your behaviour. You cannot control his behaviour and the outcome of the drama. Your priority is to heal yourself and the only way to do that is to go not contact.

Delete his number and block. Starve him of the drama he so craves by letting him know that you will no longer be his emotional punchbag.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 15:39

I’ve messaged him and said I’m done and can’t be arsed with the drama. It was short and sweet. I’ve deleted his contact and he is blocked

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 15:39

I’ve just burst into tears

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 20/06/2021 15:47

Good good OP. It bloody hard isn't it. But it's the right thing. I'm connected by DC to my ex so I can't just block but I can steer every conversation to DC only and refuse to engage in anything other than that.

66babe · 20/06/2021 15:50

Well done @Burnedbeyondbelief that was probably really difficult because all you actually wanted to hear was I've made a mistake I'm an idiot and it's you I love
Today is for chocolate and ice cream ... one day at a time but I promise you 100% your future is better without this fuckwit

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 15:50

I just feel heartbroken that I couldn’t get anything from him. He messaged me before I blocked him saying he was watching her play in a sports team she’s in. He would never of done stuff like that for me ever.
That was the push I needed. It’s like being stabbed in the heart

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 15:51

All I do is imagine all these lovely things he does for her and I’m always alone

OP posts:
66babe · 20/06/2021 15:52

How cruel! It was as if he wanted to do all he could to hurt you as he felt you slipping away
You are well rid ... take care and be strong 💐

Ruminating2020 · 20/06/2021 16:02

@Burnedbeyondbelief Well done for taking that step. It will hurt now and you will cry and grief. Like an addiction, you will get withdrawal symptoms and it will get worse before it gets better.

Stop focusing on all the lovely things he is doing with her because it has absolutely nothing to do with you and is not a reflection on you. He may be treating her well now, but later on he will be treating her the same because he never changed. He just hid it well.

Anyway, forget about him and focus on you. Focus on getting you back. If it helps list all the horrible things he did to you against a list of good things about him. I bet that the cons list is far, far longer. Think to yourself do you really want this for your future?

I promise you, you will eventually see him differently and be glad that you don't have this fuckwit in your life. He is emotionally fuckwitted and he isn't going to change overnight.

You got a lucky escape. Just remember that.

KurtWilde · 20/06/2021 16:02

I'm exactly like that when I hear what my ex is doing with the new partner - things that I wanted but were never done for me. It's a horrible feeling. You're well rid Thanks

MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 16:03

Well to be honest, he is texting another woman while she is playing her sport.
Texting a woman he has been trying to sort out as a supplier of sex.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 16:08

It’s such a horrible feeling though knowing you were only good for fucking and message entertainment. While she is this China doll the way he describes her that should be cherished

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 16:11

Well he isn't doing a very good job of cherishing her, but it doesn't stop it hurting.
You really have to block him; staying in touch is setting yourself up for world of hurt.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 16:11

I have blocked him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 16:12

I’m just feeling worse than ever because he felt the need to tell me that he was watching her play her sports, supportive partner on the sidelines

OP posts:
66babe · 20/06/2021 16:21

@Burnedbeyondbelief do you have a friend or relative you could call ... for a proper chat ... someone who could give you a hug right now

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 16:25

No I don’t, I’ve been messaging one friend who still listens. My other friends just absolutely hate him and I think I’ve been crying on them a bit too often lately so giving them a break from it

OP posts:
66babe · 20/06/2021 16:28

The friend who hates him ...
That's the one you need today
Call her and say ... you were right, I've finally realised he's a total wanker
Can we meet up I'm feeling shit and need to plan how to move on
Let's go burn his fav jumper I still have ... she'll be there

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/06/2021 16:36

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I’m just feeling worse than ever because he felt the need to tell me that he was watching her play her sports, supportive partner on the sidelines
Yeah, so supportive texting his ex from the sidelines...

He's a prick. Call one of the friends who saw through him, tell them how right they were, tell them how you're feeling and keep him blocked.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 16:42

Now that I’m out of the picture though he will live happily ever after. He always told me he would never be interested in anyone else, obviously apart from her now. I can’t imagine he would ever get his head turned by anyone else. They seek so in love and he seems so happy.

He had a really high sex drive and liked wild sex, the odd thing he’s mentioned it would seem that she’s not really into all that so I presume this is why I was getting kept in the picture all this time

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 16:43

I know I’m obsessing, I just feel bereft at the minute. I don’t want I all my friends on a Sunday night. They are all happily married and I just feel like a burden sometimes being on my own

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 16:53

I was similarly obsessed with my ex, despite knowing that he was no great catch.
It's horrible being just discarded, I know all too well.

FlowerArranger · 20/06/2021 17:42

I understand that you are obsessing and feel bereft.

But you'll feel better once you feel in control of your life, instead of hoping that others can make your feel good about yourself.

Use this evening to read the book I suggested earlier: The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, by Nathaniel Barden.

kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 17:56

He's not cherishing her tho.

He was still trying to cheat on her and have sex with you. He's also texting you while he's watching her play sport, so not a supportive partner on the sidelines that you're assuming.

You're well rid but don't beat yourself up thinking he's "cherishing" her

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/06/2021 18:13

He was still trying to cheat on her and have sex with you. He's also texting you while he's watching her play sport, so not a supportive partner on the sidelines that you're assuming.

This.

Can you not see this OP?! He is treating her appallingly too, just without her knowledge at the moment.