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Original poster

Played by Ex, self worth in the toilet

118 replies

Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 19:58

Hi

Just need some advice and a stern talking to here. I was on and off with my ex for 4 years. I know now what a complete waste of time it all was…I was blamed for all sorts, being too impatient, pestering him to move the relationship forward etc. Nothing I did was good enough and he frequently disappeared for weeks and would completely give me the silent treatment. I am 41 and he is 38.
Anyway I did a period of no contact a few months ago and started to feel better. He got in touch as he does every single time and we started to talk and he wanted us to continue talking, said all the right things, I was a lot calmer etc and we started to talk everyday and planned to meet up.
Long story short I found out that he actually was already in a relationship and had been since middle of last year. She doesn’t know I exist and for my own personal reasons I won’t be telling her at all so no judgement please on that one (long story).
So effectively she started out the OW and over time I became the OW without actually knowing!
He says he loves her, she has already been shown commitment and things that I could NEVER get and worst of all she’s 28. She has been integrated into his life etc.
He told me he never wanted more children, we each have our own children from previous marriages but now he’s saying he is open to the idea of a family with her etc.
Since finding this out he has been saying he wants to give me a chance and spend time with me obviously he just wants his cake and eat it. I won’t be doing this and I’m in no contact. I have been completely played all these years and he had no intention of moving us forward and I was just a well kept secret.

The issue is I feel awful! My self worth is shattered, my heart is broken and I’m starting over at 41. I can’t see how I’ll ever trust anyone again and also now I just think that all men want younger women! I was so so stupid all this time.
I just need a handhold and some positive stories that this will get better Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 18:44

It just feels like I’m the only one who has to suffer. He doesn’t care and she’s blissfully happy with him

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 20/06/2021 18:50

@Burnedbeyondbelief

It just feels like I’m the only one who has to suffer. He doesn’t care and she’s blissfully happy with him
For now!

But he is a twat, so she won't be blissful for ever.

Try not to focus on the fact that she is younger. That doesn't mean better. It might mean more malleable.

41 is young. I met my now-DH when I was 53. He's a lot younger, but prefers maturity (he's wiser than his years, wiser than me in many ways). We're really happy.

I had some absolutely splendid times in my 40s. Wishing you the same. Don't focus on this loser! Flowers

Labradooodle · 20/06/2021 18:54

I'm another one who is shocked he said he wanted to see if you'd changed for the better.

What a dickhead, two women on the go, he feels he's some prize. He's no prize.

The next time you go no contact, really really go no contact. you said you had started to feel better. Block him on every channel.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/06/2021 18:57

@Burnedbeyondbelief

It just feels like I’m the only one who has to suffer. He doesn’t care and she’s blissfully happy with him
You don't know how she feels really, and if she knew how he was behaving she would feel completely shit too. No good can come of continuing to see him as a prize and her the winner. He's a run of the mill, everyday, ten a penny wanker. She is a victim of that wanker.

Anything else is supposition.

Labradooodle · 20/06/2021 18:58

@66babe

The friend who hates him ... That's the one you need today Call her and say ... you were right, I've finally realised he's a total wanker Can we meet up I'm feeling shit and need to plan how to move on Let's go burn his fav jumper I still have ... she'll be there
Yes, cheers to your friend, a canny article. She saw it. Listen to her. buy her wine! Talk it out and laugh at his ridiculous entitlement.

This 28 year old isn't about to commence some charmed life! She's with an entitled man who's trying to play two women. Does that sound like the start of a great romance?

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 18:59

It’s just the getting used to never talking to him again. He is blocked everywhere because I don’t want him seeing what I’m doing at all. There are things I wish I had told him before I left and blocked but I guess I would always say that. I have to remain firm in this and just disappear off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned. And I’ll be glad that I don’t have to see what they are doing. I can NEVER unblock her Facebook page as it’s public and I would just be devastated all over again seeing posts of how happy they are.

OP posts:
Jigglywobbly · 20/06/2021 19:05

Tbh if I knew a guy was with the ow but had been having sex with me behind her back I wouldn’t feel any jealousy anymore. I would pity her. Focus on this fact. He will cheat on her again. It doesn’t matter if he plays happy devoted partner on Facebook etc he’s rotten and she will find out one day. My ex was like this and he tried to sleep with me at a mutual friends wedding- when his wife and baby were asleep in the same hotel. I took great delight telling him what I thought of him and told his friends what he had tried to do. Once a cheat ... etc. Focus on this fact

Labradooodle · 20/06/2021 19:06

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I’ve messaged him and said I’m done and can’t be arsed with the drama. It was short and sweet. I’ve deleted his contact and he is blocked
Good for you Flowers xx
Labradooodle · 20/06/2021 19:09

I went nc with a man once. He didn't want a relationship he kept telling me but he wouldn't leave me alone. We were in a relationship but just one where he owed me nothing! it was so upsetting. I went nc and it was upsetting but also empowering when ''firsts'' passed. ie, I had a job interview and it felt weird that he didn't know! I felt like i needed to tell him, but I didn't.. and then when I got the job I felt, ha! my life is not what you think it is, you don't even know where I work!

SarahBellam · 20/06/2021 19:10

OP, he claims to love this woman, to have integrated her into his life, to want children with her, but he is still pursuing you for sex. OP this man is no prize. He’s a low grade shit who thinks women are commodities to be traded back and forth as he feels. Do not envy this woman, pity her, because he WILL cheat on her as sure as night follows day.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 19:37

An Shia response to my message before I blocked him was “ok”
He is just trying to sound all nonchalant that he doesn’t give a fuck. I hope he’s secretly raging inside that I haven’t gone along with his plan for east sex

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 19:38

His not Shia

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 20/06/2021 19:39

@Burnedbeyondbelief, if the new woman is a good person then you should feel pity for her. You have been triangulated which is why you are having strong feelings about her. Are you aware of the Karpman triangle?

He is a manipulator and my guess is once you started to assert boundaries he had to find an easier target. A younger woman makes sense as she will be less knowledgeable although her heartbreak will come.

However what you will learn is that he is a very weak man who can't form genuine connections with anyone. He is destined to have relationships where he lovebombs but will ultimately devalue any partner and then seek new supply. The reason you were unsuspecting and now devastated is because he is practiced at this. He has always been like this and my guess is you were not his first victim...or his last.

I know because I was involved with someone similar. It is only because he has done this repeatedly that I can see the pattern. He tried to triangulate but I have completely ignored and it gives me quiet satisfaction to know that being ignored drives him crazy. The backlash for ignoring him is a smear campaign which is yet again another feature of these disordered individuals. Be prepared for this if you have any joint friends.

Just keep reminding yourself...he has been cruel and unkind because he wants to undermine your confidence so that you are more easily controlled.

It will take a while to get over such a destructive relationship but you will heal.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 19:45

He won’t have any backlash against me as he is scared that I’ll tell her what’s been going on and I think it’s a reputation thing he will be worried about. He’s very well respected where he lives etc and she definitely fits the mould for image wise. We don’t have any shared friends either.
Weird thing is tho he was married for around 12 years before they split up. He had a few short term things after his separation before I met him. Of course I only have his version of events fir the whole thing.
This is why I wonder if I am the only person he has ever been like this with:

OP posts:
Jigglywobbly · 20/06/2021 19:50

I very much doubt he was faithful in his marriage!

MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 19:53

What is his version about why the short term things didnt work out?
He seems to be following a well worn pattern of behaviour.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 20:01

Just that they were all wanting relationships and he didn’t want anything serious so he ditched them. He told me after some time that I was the one who made him change his mind about being single forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 20:02

Now of course he tells me that his current partner has made him change his mind on things like having more children and marriage. We always agreed that we weren’t fussed about weddings and babies as we had both been married before and both have children from those marriages

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 20:04

Do you see what he's doing?
He has made himself some kind of special 'prize', where you end up thinking how lucky you are that you changed him when nobody else could.
It's proven that people covet that which has been hard work to get.

MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 20:06

He probably compares his current woman to you unfavourably at times, just to ensure she is also aware that she has got a prize, and must be worthy.

Ruminating2020 · 20/06/2021 20:21

@Burnedbeyondbelief

Just that they were all wanting relationships and he didn’t want anything serious so he ditched them. He told me after some time that I was the one who made him change his mind about being single forever.
Ah yes, the "out of every woman I've ever been with, you're the only one I care about/ ever loved." line.

That was just to hook you in and it's lovebombing. Chances are they saw right through him and they ditched him.

Strikethrough · 20/06/2021 20:27

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I know I’m obsessing, I just feel bereft at the minute. I don’t want I all my friends on a Sunday night. They are all happily married and I just feel like a burden sometimes being on my own
OP, when you were happily married would you have viewed any of your single friends as burdens? (I am hoping not!) I have been married for a decade, we have two small children and my best friend is single. One of my biggest fears is that she would not want to "bother" me when she needed support/think I was too busy with family stuff. I have just arranged for us to visit for a few days in July now that we are allowed to do so again (we're not local) because we love to see her. Pick up the phone and call a friend - presumably one of the ones who hates him would be thrilled to hear all about you blocking and deleting him!
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 20:33

I know what you mean. My best friend wouldn’t mind me calling her. She’s the one who hates him but she’s one of only two people who know all the gory details about everything in the last 4 years. I just feel like I’ve talked about him so much that she will be exasperated. She is pleased though to hear the news!
She thinks he’s an actual psychopath and used to email me all these articles about narcissists, gaslighting, negging, emotional abuse etc, she just wanted me to get out

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 20/06/2021 20:38

It's easy to see from the outside looking in.
I'm still gradually seeing the light about my ex, and that was over 3 or 4 years back.

Labradooodle · 20/06/2021 20:38

Oh she will be glad you have blocked him!