Do relationships without name calling really exist?

[Chazzy19876]

DH has called me everything under the sun during our time together. A couple of times when blind drunk but mostly in heated arguments. Has always blamed me saying it’s a reaction to what I have said or done.

I am like everyone else, have my moods, my down days and of course get irritable. I just don’t ever feel I deserve to feel this insecure about myself or that I really deserve being called these things.

This morning I was told I was pathetic, and that my friends all think I’m this well together person but it’s all fake.

DH grew up in an abusive home with an abusive father. I try and be understanding but I can’t help but think he will never change and he’s just hard wired this way. He says he is sorry but it always always happens again. That wont change will it.

So is it possible that even in arguments that name calling doesn’t happen?

They absolutely do. I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing, you know you deserve better.

Yes it's possible. Dp and i are almost 5 years together and have never had a cross word never mind name calling.

Absolutely they do. I don’t think DH has ever called me an unpleasant name in almost thirty years together.

I've never been in a relationship where it did happen.

Yes! I think my DP would be scared to name call towards me. It is my pet hate.
When we argue as soon as he swears I start ignoring. I was always brought up not to argue with somebody who is not intelligent enough to hold an argument without calling names.

From your OP I think your DP puts you down to make you feel rubbish.This is not ok. It is ok to argue, in fact I believe some arguments are healthy as it shows you care ...only to a point though. Insults are insults and are to be taken as insults. You wouldn't be friends with a person who said you were pathetic, why would you be in a relationship with one?

Hope you are ok Op

Even in arguments that get a bit heated my husband and I still know we love and respect each other. If either called the other a name it would be very hurtful. I don't think this is normal that he does this to you and yes it seems like the product of being brought up in an abusive household. He may need some counselling to help him manage his anger in a more productive way.

Married almost 41 years in September and we've had plenty of cross words and disagreements, but neither of us has ever called the other by a bad name.

No, it is not normal in a good, healthy relationship and, yes, such things do really exist!

It would be foolish to say that disagreements, differences of opinion and even blazing arguments do not occur, but name calling is what children and adolescents resort to, not adults

Yes, we don’t name call. If either of us get frustrated we say how we are feeling and the behaviour that is upsetting us. If it feels like we are getting personal at any time, we take a break and come back to it when we can better articulate.

We had a disagreement this morning and I'm very annoyed but there was no name calling

Have you called him things too? I was in a relationship like this a long time ago.

He'd call me something, and in this weird way, it sort of allowed me to respond back the same. Like as soon as one person starts swearing, it becomes acceptable, so everyone does.

I think there's elements of this in every relationship. Often on occasions of excessive drink, moments of pressure or intense emotions (weddings, funerals etc). I think the degree to which it happens depends on the specific people though.

DH and I call each other things daily, very much as banter. I used to be a size 6, I've virtually stopped smoking and gone up to an 8. Of course I know I'm not fat. He pokes at my thighs and sings "big fat wife"....but then I sit on him and sing "big fat wife" even louder. Then we're in hysterics. But it's not out of nastiness, I look much better now, and this is just us being daft.

There would be some people, who would never find that acceptable under any circumstance. Let alone join in.

Different strokes for different folks.

Yes, relationships without name-calling can exist. Me and hubby have been together 15 years we've had our arguments but never any name calling.

I would add to, that my mother is the type of person who will say anything when angry and that’s exactly why I don’t do it! It’s not an excuse and it’s never someone else’s fault. I learned not to do it because I never want people to feel the way I felt as a small child and it’s a red line for me in a relationship now. It’s you and me against the problem, never against each other. Always.

DW and I both have short fuses and row like cat and dog but we've never gone as low as name calling.

Thanks for your responses.

I told DH this morning I’ve had enough. That we can’t stay together and I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel insecure. He won’t engage in any sort of conversation about making arrangements to separate, or even how he has made me feel.

@TwinsAndTrifle yes I have. When we first got together I said to him look I want us to always respect each other and not to cross that line into this territory where we go for each other. The first time it happened he was ridiculously drunk and called me terrible things, I said I was leaving the next morning but he talked me round.

In every argument, he turns to name calling and I will do it back because I just don’t know how else to fight back. Sometimes I step away but I just get so incensed it’s not always possible.

We have an 11 month old DD and I can’t bare the thought of her not seeing her father regularly but at the same time I can’t bare the thought of her growing up in this environment. My worst nightmare would be for her to meet someone who made her feel like this. That’s my answer isn’t it?

@Chazzy19876 is there a reason you feel you don't deserve a relationship where you are treated respectfully?
Because you do, and this isn't it.
25 years here and never name called each other.

My ex was a right idiot and weve been split up for 3 years now but he never ever called me names.

I've never had a relationship where name calling is a thing. Disagreements yes but not cruelty.

No name calling, belongs in the playground if anywhere but preferably not. Childish and immature. Both of you have a think about it.

You are conditioned to believe that his behaviour is your fault, and that it's 'not that bad' - but that's not the truth, it's part of abusive behaviour/tactics.

Never called my DH a name and neither has he.
I would be totally shocked if he did.

I would deal with an annoying person like this by agreeing with them,, yes, you're right I am pathetic but you forgot to say I'm also .Then I would walk off laughing, really took the wind out of my bullies sails.

@PatriciaHolm

I've never been in a relationship where it did happen.

This!

Yes, they do.

I've been with DH 13 years. It has taken that long for us to refine our arguing and we still do have arguments that blow up.

But we never, ever name call.

He isn't going to change. I think you already know this.

You deserve better x

I grew up in an abusive environment. When very frustrated, I definitely revert to being abusive. It's difficult not to but there's no excuse really. I don't think it's acceptable now, times have changed.

Mine has started calling me a Karen when he is upset and I've had to educate him the other day on the many reasons that isn't ok. Will see in next argument if he has listened or if I've got an ignorant DP.

Besides Karen no other names. But I think men think that is the one they can get away with because it's not one of the big ones- and that is just not on.