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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do relationships without name calling really exist?

105 replies

Chazzy19876 · 15/06/2021 13:14

DH has called me everything under the sun during our time together. A couple of times when blind drunk but mostly in heated arguments. Has always blamed me saying it’s a reaction to what I have said or done.

I am like everyone else, have my moods, my down days and of course get irritable. I just don’t ever feel I deserve to feel this insecure about myself or that I really deserve being called these things.

This morning I was told I was pathetic, and that my friends all think I’m this well together person but it’s all fake.

DH grew up in an abusive home with an abusive father. I try and be understanding but I can’t help but think he will never change and he’s just hard wired this way. He says he is sorry but it always always happens again. That wont change will it.

So is it possible that even in arguments that name calling doesn’t happen?

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 15/06/2021 13:38

Been with DH for 33 years and have never ever done this. It is so abusive and disrespectful.

Tbh if either of us called the other a name, we would seriously rethink our whole relationship.

Its a horrible thing to do to someone.

Original poster
Chazzy19876 · 15/06/2021 13:39

@Sporranrummager (this name is hilarious btw) he is genuinely lovely person (I know it doesn’t sound it) but I just think he is so affected by his upbringing that he can’t change the way he is. I don’t know maybe that’s rubbish. What i struggle with is he will one day tell me how I’m the best mum in the world and he loves me so much, to then turning on me as soon as we have a disagreement. The instability of it all is making me miserable.

I grew up in a very stable environment and know it’s not right.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 15/06/2021 13:40

You're right OP. You have your answer.

Does he need to engage in arranging the separation? What's your situation? Do you work? Do you own your own home? You have grounds for unreasonable behaviour.

Sorry this has happened to you.

IsThePopeCatholic · 15/06/2021 13:40

No. Name-calling is not part of a healthy relationship. Your dh sounds aggressive and unpleasant. It must be hard living with such nastiness, op.

DontAskIDontKnow · 15/06/2021 13:41

20 odd years and 2 children and no name-calling here.

I don’t think I could be in a relationship where that happens. I guess it makes me lucky, as I didn’t experience it growing up and so I would never think it’s normal.

NotSure94 · 15/06/2021 13:43

Nearly 20 years married to my XH and even through messy divorce and arguments we didn't call each other names. No man ever has in fact. Certainly not my father.

TwinsAndTrifle · 15/06/2021 13:45

In every argument, he turns to name calling and I will do it back because I just don’t know how else to fight back. Sometimes I step away but I just get so incensed it’s not always possible.

Yep, I know that feeling. You become an almost unrecognisable person to who you ever have been, and I think you've hit the nail on the head. You're so incensed and in shock that you are being spoken to like this, that you have no idea how to react or respond, and end up becoming a mimic.

Afterwards, you feel completely embarrassed and wonder how you even acted like that? It's not you. It's you trying to defend yourself from an attack you have no experience of, and getting dragged into that method of attack.

If he does it again. Leave and return when you can talk sensibly.

mistermagpie · 15/06/2021 13:45

Of course.

I've been married twice and in neither (even the one that resulted in divorce) did anyone call each other names.

It's not normal, it's abuse.

Original poster
Chazzy19876 · 15/06/2021 13:46

Currently on mat leave but I have a good job, I could probably just about manage on my own financially with support from him (where I was entitled). Have a good family behind me.

Just can’t bear the thought of my DD going off for the weekend or some other arrangement. It would break my heart. Also just feel like such an abject failure. From the outside we look like we have the perfect life. Just shows you doesn’t it.

OP posts:
user1471554720 · 15/06/2021 13:46

Why is he with you if you are so pathetic (insert insulting name). None of my bfs ever called me names. One did try to hint that I am lucky to have him. I actually finished wirh him, using the same wording back, that I don't feel worthy of him. He tried talking me round but I kept repeating the same wording back.

That sounds very unstable and frightening, that he could turn on you at any moment. Even if you stay with him, it will put a stress on your body, that you need to be on guard. Please think about leaving him, and don't budge when he tries to talk you round. Just repeat back all the insults, that you are so pathetic you don't deserve him etc. Let him try to talk his way out of that one.Smile

stillcrazyafterall · 15/06/2021 13:49

Name calling is so immature I'd struggle to be with anyone who resorted to it. In all my relationships I have never name called or been called names, why would you think this is acceptable? This is what a child would do! Weird

averythinline · 15/06/2021 13:49

His background may explain some if it but he us an adult now and is choosing to do this....
Does he name call colleagues/friends as well....doubt it..

Your instincts to protect your daughter from this are bang on...
She will see you accepting being spoken to like that....and when he talks to her like that is way too late...
Children are so sensitive to the emotional temperature in their world which should be safe...
Please dont make her grow up somewhere where she'll be wondering next time someone gets cross they are aggressive...because name calling is aggressive..

Clareypoo · 15/06/2021 13:57

My DP grew up in with an abusive father: called his 5YO daughters c**ts regularly. When we went on holiday with my family she couldn't believe that MY lovely dad was so kind, calm and generally a nice person. She was 24 at that point and was so instutionalised that she still thought that thats how dad's behaved.
She is lovely but would turn nasty when drunk and revert back to this awful behaviour. She'd be apologetic the next day, knew it wasn't acceptable but couldn't stop it in the heat of the moment.
Basically, I gave the ultimatum: stop drinking or I leave. So she did and we have been happy, with only 1 or 2 recurrences over 10 years.

Is drink a factor? Or can it be any time when frustrated?
It isn't acceptable, you don't want DC witnessing and so repeating this abusive behaviour.

StormBaby · 15/06/2021 14:02

My DH is actually really highly strung and passionate with a quick temper but he has never even raised his voice let alone call me names. And he had an extremely neglected childhood with an addict mother. It’s no excuse.

tornadosequins · 15/06/2021 14:03

Just can’t bear the thought of my DD going off for the weekend or some other arrangement. It would break my heart.

No. It would feel sad and strange for a while, but you will learn coping strategies and adjust. Same as when she starts nursery, school, or goes on her first school weekend away. They're temporary moments that make up the rich fabric of her life, then she's back with you.

Heartbreaking would be your innocent baby daughter growing up in an abusive home always feeling on edge and continuing the cycle of abuse down another generation. That is what would be truly heartbreaking.

The instability of it all is making me miserable.

She won't be able to understand or verbalise it until she is much older but the evidence shows that even newborn babies are affected by the stress of this environment and it carries lifelong consequences. Psychologically and physically.

There is no failure in exiting an abusive relationship, especially to protect a child. It's one of the most courageous and honourable things you can do in your life.

You don't need his acceptance or engagement to leave - his behaviour is about controlling you so he's not going to willingly surrender control by helping you leave. You have to make that decision for yourself.

All you need is to make the decision then act. Speak to Women's Aid (yes it is bad enough), engage a solicitor with experience of DV. Decide whether you need a refuge space, a rental property, or an occupation order etc.

Have you done your financial calcs including any benefit support you'd be entitled to?

I'm sorry you're going through this but you can come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier even if you can't see how right now.

Original poster
Chazzy19876 · 15/06/2021 14:04

@Clareypoo your DP sounds exactly the same. The first time DH met my family he couldn’t believe his eyes, to see a family who get on and respect each other.

It is anytime he gets frustrated. He has cut the drinking out and has been to counselling. Things are better than they were but he hasn’t stopped.

I just had another conversation with him. He said I never look at what I do to cause all the arguments. He said fine to separating and that he is going to sell the house (we both own it). He is just treating me with utter contempt and it’s brutal.

If I go through with this I don’t know if I will survive.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 15/06/2021 14:05

Yes it happens.
DH and I have been together 10 years gone April, we don't argue (we do have bickers and disagreements) and have never called each other a name in malice

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2021 14:07

He’s not a lovely person, he’s an abusive person whatever the reason is, it makes you miserable

Let him leave if he wants to

QforCucumber · 15/06/2021 14:11

He said I never look at what I do to cause all the arguments

The way he deals with things and reacts to things is NOT your fault.

toiletbrushholder · 15/06/2021 14:14

It's not healthy, but it is learnt behaviour. It would taken enormous amounts of commitment and self development for your partner to work through it and in the meantime your self esteem and happiness take a battering. Name calling is abusive, you wouldn't accept it from someone on the street so why your partner?

idontlikealdi · 15/06/2021 14:20

Your boundaries are so wrong if you think it's acceptable and normal.

MarshmallowAra · 15/06/2021 14:21

You could cause all the arguments of the day (I bet you don't) but his behaviour during any arguments is the issue.

He "fights" dirty.
He is demeaning and derogatory during disagreements.
Not getting it, or not choosing to get it, is he.

I went out with a guy who was verbally abusive during disagreements ... He didnt stop or change. Tbh if they haven't by a certain age, I doubt they will.

MarshmallowAra · 15/06/2021 14:22

that he is going to sell the house (we both own

I don't believe he can sell it without your agreement if you're a co owner.

Has he forgotten that?

MarshmallowAra · 15/06/2021 14:25

Pathetic is also a very very derogatory, generalised, tear you down type comment. Very nasty, very snide & contemptuous.

Who could blame you for not being able to get past things like that, let alone it being a repeated pattern.

TheDogsMother · 15/06/2021 14:27

[quote Chazzy19876]@Sporranrummager (this name is hilarious btw) he is genuinely lovely person (I know it doesn’t sound it) but I just think he is so affected by his upbringing that he can’t change the way he is. I don’t know maybe that’s rubbish. What i struggle with is he will one day tell me how I’m the best mum in the world and he loves me so much, to then turning on me as soon as we have a disagreement. The instability of it all is making me miserable.

I grew up in a very stable environment and know it’s not right.[/quote]
But he isn't a genuinely lovely person is he ? How can he be if he calls you these terrible names and treats you so badly. You don't need to put up with this.