Do relationships without name calling really exist?

[Chazzy19876]

DH has called me everything under the sun during our time together. A couple of times when blind drunk but mostly in heated arguments. Has always blamed me saying it’s a reaction to what I have said or done.

I am like everyone else, have my moods, my down days and of course get irritable. I just don’t ever feel I deserve to feel this insecure about myself or that I really deserve being called these things.

This morning I was told I was pathetic, and that my friends all think I’m this well together person but it’s all fake.

DH grew up in an abusive home with an abusive father. I try and be understanding but I can’t help but think he will never change and he’s just hard wired this way. He says he is sorry but it always always happens again. That wont change will it.

So is it possible that even in arguments that name calling doesn’t happen?

I was in a similar relationship a few years ago and I hated it. I would then get an apology the next day but it felt rubbish. Your DP won't change because he doesn't believe he is really doing anything wrong. It is HIS normal. Your dp is going a step further and chipping away at you and picking on what he perceives to be your flaws, which is abusive. Get out as soon as you can and don't let your daughter grow up thinking that this is acceptable.

@Chazzy19876

Currently on mat leave but I have a good job, I could probably just about manage on my own financially with support from him (where I was entitled). Have a good family behind me.

Just can’t bear the thought of my DD going off for the weekend or some other arrangement. It would break my heart. Also just feel like such an abject failure. From the outside we look like we have the perfect life. Just shows you doesn’t it.

Can you bear the thought of your DD growing up in a household where she learns that abusive behaviour from men towards women is normal? Do you want history to repeat itself?

My DH and I make sure we never name call or say anything personal in an argument. Though my in laws can get very fiery and I've witnessed them telling eachother to drop dead in the heat of an argument. Not good but they are both comfortable and happy once they've made up again. It works for them but for it to be coming from one side, getting personal and making you feel the way you do isn't acceptable. What about recording your next argument secretly on your phone and playing it to him once he's calmed down, hopefully he'll feel terrible and realise the impact it has on you?!

Gosh, I’ve never been called a name, ever, in my relationship.

You are describing my ex, and I can tell you from experience: No. He won't change!

But here's the good news: Relationship built on mutual respect and love do exist!
I'm in one now, with my husband. We have been blissfully happy for the last 13 years.

My ex also did a good job of convincing me that I was the problem and that he only yelled at me because I was "impossible to deal with".
I believe him. I actually thought that every other couple who looked happy on the outside must be faking it like I was.

Bottom line is: Occasional bickering in a relationship is normal and probably healthy. Name-calling and belittling are not!

Hope you don't waste as many years as I did and ditch him soon. The grass will be greener, I promise!

BelieveD him* (typo)

Never been called a name in any relationship , even during blazing drunken rows and would have left if I was. Never had it from friends either, except for one who is no longer a friend. I've quite rightly had some pretty heavy criticism, but it never showed up underlying disrespect for me.

Well done for taking a stand OP.

It's never happened to me.

I do think you need to get out before the cycle of abuse perpetuates itself for your daughter.

He’s not a genuinely lovely person, clearly. Why would he continue to do something he knows upsets you if he was genuinely lovely?

Hello op. Yesterday in woman's hour I was listening to a man raised like your husband who was able to be helped... Listen to his story here:
HTTPS:www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000wyth#p09lg6wt/Domestic_violence_prevention

Listen from 28:27

The organisation who helped him sounded great.

I've been with my dh for 18 years and no name calling here. Sorry to hear you cope with this behaviour. 😔

I had an ex who was verbally abusive. The thing is that long after you've forgotten what the argument was about, you remember the horrible things said about you. They can eat away at you.

When I moved in with my OH, he'd had a similar ex, so it suited both of us to agree to never call names and never shout. In about 17 years I'd say we've managed the first 100% and maybe shouted at each other once or twice, apologising immediately after.

Does he lose the rag at colleagues who he disagrees with the same way? Or a boss? if the answer is yes, he needs anger management asap, if it's no, well that tells you he can control the abuse when he needs to, so speaking to you that way is a choice. He may not realise he's making that choice, but he is all the same.

Has always blamed me saying it’s a reaction to what I have said or done.

There is your problem right there.

It's entirely normal that you can dislike or even disapprove of someone behaviour (occasionally) but there is never any good reason to make it personal in this way.

It may be possible to have him see reason but it may take a major shock like an actual divorce to make him realise that this is so not OK

Sometimes we call each other names in a jokey way, and we both know it’s a joke and are both not annoyed/having an argument at that time. Never when we’ve had actual issues with each other have we called each other names

Me too. Never been in a relationship where I was treated like this. Wouldn't tolerate it for a nanosecond

They do! I didn't realise this until I met dp (exh often said things when heated)

I have never been in a relationship where name calling occurred- it is not normal or acceptable.

Yes they exist. DH and I have been together 27 years. He might have occasionally said I was being horrible or moody and I have said he is being stubborn and negative but we don't call each other names. Or if we ever have it's so rare and was so instantly sorted out, I've forgotten.

I’m sorry to hear your going through this OP, he is not a nice person and you deserve much better.
Me and DH have been together for 9 years now (married for 3) and we have never once insulted each other or called each other names, and when we argue (which we do occasionally do) we don’t scream at each other.
It is possible and how he treats you isn’t normal and it’s not what you deserve

Also DH had the most unstable hideous and abusive upbringing where it was normal and his mum was beaten and verbally abused daily - and he would never ever dream of call me names, so it’s not a natural consequence of being brought up like that. Surely if anything it should make him be the opposite.

I just had another conversation with him. He said I never look at what I do to cause all the arguments. He said fine to separating and that he is going to sell the house (we both own it). He is just treating me with utter contempt and it’s brutal.

He can’t sell the house without your agreement if it’s jointly owned, but if you want to separate you’d agree anyway wouldn’t you? Just make sure he knows it’s not just up to him to make that decision.

I have never been called names by a partner ever, it’s not normal behaviour at all and he’s not lovely in the slightest.

We’ve been married 32 yrs , together for 36 and no name calling here , infact we barely bicker .

In 30 years my husband has never called me a mad bitch or a cunt.
I think I may have had a couple of affectionate "silly cows"
I have never called him a fucking bastard. Merely an occasional daft twat for forgetting to buy milk

You will survive ending this marriage, but you will see exactly how horrible your husband is during the process.

Your most important consideration has to be for your daughter. Her growing up around abuse like this would taint the entirety of her life. You simply can't allow that to happen.

They definitely do and you deserve better. My ex used to name call all the time, and would go below the belt and throw my MH at me as well as any mistakes from the past. I was totally conditioned to think this was normal. My now DH and I definitely argue from time to time as everyone does but he’s never called me a name or got personal, it’s about the issue not the person. And obviously I wouldn’t call him names either. We’ve lost patience and sworn on occasion but never as low as name calling.