Do relationships without name calling really exist?

[Chazzy19876]

DH has called me everything under the sun during our time together. A couple of times when blind drunk but mostly in heated arguments. Has always blamed me saying it’s a reaction to what I have said or done.

I am like everyone else, have my moods, my down days and of course get irritable. I just don’t ever feel I deserve to feel this insecure about myself or that I really deserve being called these things.

This morning I was told I was pathetic, and that my friends all think I’m this well together person but it’s all fake.

DH grew up in an abusive home with an abusive father. I try and be understanding but I can’t help but think he will never change and he’s just hard wired this way. He says he is sorry but it always always happens again. That wont change will it.

So is it possible that even in arguments that name calling doesn’t happen?

The worst I've called dh is a muppet and I can't think of anything he has called me other than positive things.

Name calling is horrible and shouldn't be tolerated.

It’s very possible to have a respectful relationship. I’m the furthest from a saint you can be but I’ve only called my husband a name twice in almost 30 years of marriage and he’s never called me anything but my name.

Of course they do.

I think I have called my DH an absolute bastard once. He has called me an impossible bitch once.

Those were in the days when we were learning how to be together.

But no name calling for at least 20 years now.

17 years neither of us has ever been abusive or called the other anything. Why on earth would you?

Racking brain dh recently said I looked like a ribena berry in a new flarey purple dress and another new dress of mine looked like a nightie but he kind of had a point on both. That’s genuinely the worst type of thing he has ever said.

No name calling of being together 34 years, and a 30 year marriage

@PatriciaHolm

I've never been in a relationship where it did happen.

This is the same for me too.

What also stood out for me was this
Has always blamed me saying it’s a reaction to what I have said or done
So not only is he calling you names, but he’s blaming you for him doing this.
This really is unacceptable behaviour.

Been with my husband 13 years and never once had an argument. I keep thinking something must be wrong with us, as Mumsnet is full of posts about couples who seem to hate each other, abusive husband's and scared wives.

It doesn't matter how the arguments start. The issue is the way HE conducts himself. There is nothing you could do that would justify his verbal abuse of you. He's not a lovely man, not at all. Sorry.

My DP would never call me a name. Even in the heat of an argument.

If I said to him right now to call me a bitch he wouldn't do it.

Sorry you had to put up with that abuse.

My dh has never ever in all the years we've been married called me anything. I haven't him either. We have our moments and disagreements but we're never disrespectful towards each other

Yes!!! DH and I have been together 24 years. We’ve got cross with each other, but never abusive.

Married with two young children. I'm not sure we've ever said anything rude or unkind to each other, let alone called each other names.

We still occasionally get a bit annoyed with each other, it's just discussed in a very civilized way.

Of they exist. I divorced my husband after 14 years marriage and even then he didn’t call me names (I didn’t do it to him either). Now I have a new OH and he doesn’t call me names either!

He has worn you down, how things are now doesn't sound sustainable. Will he change? Maybe, but let someone else found out. Why should you suffer abuse on a possibility that it might not happen in the future. The you now deserves better.

Been with dh 20 years and never called each other names, have told him to F off in an argument a few years ago (and him me). Dated someone else for 5 years before dh and no name calling. Thinking about it don’t think I’ve been with anyone who has called me names. You deserve better, he’s an abusive twat.

I've never been in a relationship where there was that extent of verbal abuse. Bits and pieces from some lovers, but not to that extent.

One bloke turned abusive after he dumped me, called me an 'attention wh*re' (I'm not) and stuff. I didn't know much about abuse etc at the time. If it happened now after all the time on MN and Freedom Programme, I'd block him. That was one of the most painful break-ups because of how he talked about me to me.

@Chazzy19876 This sort of thing is damaging to you as a person. I suggest separating from him and having as little contact with him as possible.

In 12 years neither of us has ever called the other a rude name (out loud anyway!) We actually kind of like each other.

My x (children's father unfortunately) used to call me every name in the son.

The few boyfriends I've had since haven't called me any names though.

If anybody I was dating called me ''pathetic'' I'd be so turned off. It wouldn't be a difficult decision what to do next.

Together nearly 30 years and never a single incident of this.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I couldn't bear for my children to grow up around that.

You need to protect your child.
The best way to do this is to separate.

Thank you for all your responses. It’s just nice to know I’m not going mad. It’s hard when you’re constantly told it’s your fault.

Being nice is PART of the abusive cycle. It's integral to the abuse being effective/possible. And yes, it is very confusing to the victim.

This thread makes me sad

In 15 years together, my DH has never called me a name or even sworn at me. He’s never raised his voice come to think of it.

They do exist OP.

@Floralnomad

We’ve been married 32 yrs , together for 36 and no name calling here , infact we barely bicker .

We're the same.

Definitely not normal and you and your daughter deserve better. Great that you have a good job to go back to and a family to back you up