Not sure I can cope with DP's MH anymore

[Emmy3]

DP of 6 years, own a house together, no DC, love each other very much. Got together youngish so we've grown together in many ways.

Over the last 18 months he's struggled with depression and anxiety. He's been quite open about it, and has been to the GP and is on medication. He won't do counselling, just isn't open to it although I have tried to encourage.

The medication seems to do this thing where it works so well for a 12 week or so period and life is amazing, when all of a sudden he changes. He goes extremely snappy, no patience at all, and we argue a lot. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me feel horrible and anxious. When this happens he has to wean off the medication and then it goes away. It's happened about 3 times or so now and then after some time off the medication he feels he needs to start taking it again as the anxiety/low mood creeps in.

After these episodes in the past he's explained it to me as follows:
He gets a sense of 'fearlessness' like none of his actions have consequences and that nothing really matters to him. He feels he can say what he wants and he doesn't think about how that might make me feel.

In the past during these strange periods of behaviour he's said things like 'we should just sell the house, I don't want this anymore' or 'I'll go back to my mums, you keep the house' etc. All really upsetting to hear when everything has been fine and he's been happy as Larry a week prior. After these weird 'episodes' he reflects on it and says I can't believe I said all of that. He seems to be genuinely scared about the things he says, one time he came home from work and said he'd wondered what it'd be like to step in front of the train, but stressed he wouldn't have actually done it.

Another one of these awful periods seems to have just started again. He's been on the meds again for about 3 months and the last few days have been bad.

I just handed him a cup of tea, handle facing him so he could just grab the handle. Instead he grabbed the whole cup and said 'ow!' So I kept hold of the cup so he didn't burn his hand and said, grab the handle! I'm unfortunately not psychic so didn't know he wanted me to quickly let go so he could put the cup on the side. He shouted so loud at me and it shocked me and made me tearful, it was that and also just an accumulation of other things that have happened over the last few days. He said 'really!? How pathetic' as I got up to leave the room.

I don't recognise him when he's like this, it's like a different persons taken over my loving DP. It's horrible and I don't know how much longer I can do it for.

Just realised I didn't ask a question, but basically, what do I do!?

Also will add that he's about to go through his second family bereavement in 7 months, both people mean a lot to him and I'm sure he's feeling extremely sad about it.

Doesn't excuse him being an arse to you. Neither does MH!

What medication/antidepressant is he on? Is it always the same one?
If it's Mirtazapine then it can do this as my it had similar effects on my STBXH

You can't fix him. As someone who tried for 15 years, only for him to then go off me because I no longer felt like his wife, but his mother, believe me when I say you can't fix him. Accept him exactly as he is now or walk away, but believe me when I tell you that however hard it is now, it is unbelievably more so when there are children involved.

I wish I had walked away when I was younger. But I kept feeling like it was my job to fix him. that If I loved him hard enough, poured enough of myself into him, then I could fix him, but it was like trying to fill a leaking bucket and it just drained me.
I can't tell you what the right thing for you is, but the fact you're even asking suggests that a bit of you would be grateful if he just walked away....is that so?

I understand. I know that I sound very cold, but I've decided that my partner's anxiety doesn't have to come at the expense of mine (sounds dramatic but that's how it feels sometimes) It's ok to protect your own mental health and say goodbye.

Firstly it sounds like he needs to get his meds reviewed and possibly changed. What he’s doing currently isn’t really fixing the problem.
The last example you’ve given is bordering on abusive behaviour. He’s being aggressive, unkind and belittling your emotions.
He needs more help or this is not going to improve.

This doesn't really sound like depression to me, but I'm no expert.

Ive been on anti-ds a few times. They typically take a few weeks to work. But when they do, I don't recognise his description at all. It sounds like he's getting a bit high and uninhibited. And casually cruel.

Whereas normally anti-ds just make you neutral, as opposed to negative.

What is his diagnosis and what medication is he on?

You can love someone and still not be able to be with them, op. I would be moving on. Thankfully, there aren't children involved.

Some anti depressants can make you vile tempered.

Mirtazapine, Amitryptiline and Sertraline did this to me. He probably needs a sedating one which works on serotonin and not one that works on dopamine or noradrenaline.

Life is too short for this shit. You can't try to fix people to the detriment of your own mental well being. It's OK to put yourself first.

If you're done, you're done.

Next time he threatens to move back to his Mum's, agree with him. 'That sounds like a good idea in view of the circumstances, you can be there for emergencies'.

Change the locks (and if he wants to pay for locksmith, fine, he can do it) and start the process of telling him to stay there permanently.

What has the doctor said?

I am not an expert, but I'd be wondering whether he actually has bipolar rather than depression, and these phases represent entry to a manic/reckless phase?

What does his doctor say when the issue of this cycle is raised?

Hello. I recognise a lot of what you describe from my past experiences with DHs mental health.

After the stage you’re at, he sadly did hit rock bottom and had a very very scary suicidal episode and a deeply ill few months, but that did spark recovery and now 3 years on he is the most stable and in control of his mental health than I’ve ever known him (in 18 years). Things that helped were:

• him taking absolute responsibility for taking care of his mental health. That means if he notices signs he is heading for a rough patch or I point out some warning sign behaviour to him, he does something about it.
• he is accountable for any time he tries to take out his mood problems on me or the family.
• he knows i will support him if he is looking after his mental health but not if he refuses to get help when he needs it. He’d be on his own then.
• being honest with friends about his problems (this came from him and has helped immensely)
• reviewed medication and increased dose
• the biggest thing by far that has helped is extremely regular physical activity. He runs most days or swims. It helps him so so so much I can’t even describe. I do worry a bit though when he is poorly or injured and can’t run as it’s his main coping strategy!

From your side, again from my experience I would:

• stand up for yourself, don’t let him speak to you badly. Call him out on it (don’t get drawn into an argument be calm if possible but firm that you will not be spoken to like that).
• remove yourself if it’s getting too stressful - eg he’s in a mood, acting strange and it’s making you anxious - announce you’re going for a walk. You’ll feel better.
• do not hold yourself responsible for his mental health. You are not in any way. You can support him but you can’t fix him.

Good luck Op.

Take it from someone who is living this now. Get out whilst you have no children.

I've been with my husband forc21 years, since we were 15 years old. He has struggled with mental health most of that time. He now has a bi polar diagnosis and takes regular medication of lithium, orforil, quetiapine and atarax.
But even with the medication it never ends, it will never be fixed.
I've come to the realisation that I'm not a partner, I'm a facilitator. I sort food, washing, housework, manage medication, sooth anxiety etc etc etc. But I have no partner to do it for me.
My self worth is non existent, I feel guilty if I buy myself something. Its ridiculous, I wish I could shake myself. I love him and wish it wasn't like this, but it is. It doesn't have to be for you though.
Don't get to where I am. When someone is kind or supportive to me, I feel like I could cry with gratitude. This is no way to live.
It will be hard now to leave, but it will so much harder in the future.

Thanks for responding. He's on citalopram for anxiety and depression. When the gp did the assessment with him he scored really high on both the GAD7 and the depression one.

Heartbroken at some of the responses really, can't imagine myself with anyone else, that may sound silly but I can't.

Would be really tricky for me to leave, I've just gone back to uni and can't work alongside my course so I'm a bit stuck really. My student finance is enough for me to pay my half of the bills but wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. I don't have good family support, very small family, my parents live abroad but I do have my sister about 40 mins away.
I don't even want to leave him! But I don't want to regret it when I'm older like pp have suggested.

You certainly don't have to tolerate his behaviour - you don't deserve to be anybody's punching bag, even if it is caused by a mental health condition.

However, if you want to preserve the relationship, he needs to take steps to change. Has he discussed this with his GP? Would he be willing to? I ask because it's possible that he's having some symptoms of hypomania (increased irritability/agitation, impulsive decisions, for example) and that he needs a mood stabiliser, rather than antidepressants, or possibly just different antidepressants - there's lots of different types. I may be completely off base, but he may need to request assessment by mental health services - however that probably won't be a quick process unless he's in crisis, so you need to prioritise your own wellbeing and safety first.

I'm not sure drugs cause you to say things that you don't actually in some way believe/feel. I suspect that the drugs cause inhibition and lack of thought for consequences which frees him up to say things he feels bu5 does express in other situations. You may want to talk to him about that during one of his better phases asking for the blunt truth.

Personally I found dealing with ex DH mental health was exhausting, I constantly felt like I was responsible for his mental health and happiness but nothing I could do would make him happy. I'm glad I'm not in that position now.

Unfortunately it’s pretty much a certainty that you will.

He won’t change. He will shout, snap, patronise and belittle you…and care not one fig for your resulting distress, unto infinity.

For what it’s worth, I feel for you. I know what I’m talking about here.

@Emmy3 I felt exactly the same, I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else either. I was devasted by some of his self harm and suicide attempts. We married at 19, have lived in 4 different countries, made a life for ourselves, 2 beautiful children, but I still have no partner. Nobody has my back. Because the focus is always him, keeping him stable, ensuring he has enough sleep, enough exercise, the right amount of medication at the right time, listening to his worries, making sure the bills are paid when he goes into a manic phase and racks up a massive credit card bill.
It doesn't happen quickly, it grinds away at you slowly and you do it because you love him. But eventually you find that you are always second. Always. And it's rubbish.
I'm so sorry, I sound such a terrible person and a terrible wife and mother.

I am not an expert, but I'd be wondering whether he actually has bipolar rather than depression, and these phases represent entry to a manic/reckless phase?

that's exactly what I thought. All of the newer antidepressants - SSRIs - can cause mania in someone who's actually bipolar rather than "simply" depressed. SSRIs = Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors include Fluoxetine, Citalopram and Sertraline.

I would be going with him to see GP asap and explaining what's happening - your post is a good resource.

Also, being abusive is not generally a MH issue.

However, I'm now separated from my ex who eventually got a Bipolar diagnosis (after multiple depressive episodes) and he Was abusive when manic/hypomanic. When he talks about "fearlessness" that is not a million miles from mania.

Also. Living with someone with a severe/longstanding mental illness can be harmful. You're not married and you don't have dcs. While I have every sympathy for your DP, it's ok to say this is too much for you.

@Bigoldmachine
Thanks, interesting to read your post so thanks for taking the time.

He has been so open with his friends and they've been great, they're a lovely bunch of lads. He also exercises regularly and enjoys it.

He doesn't take control of his own MH.

He has been back to the GP to discuss this and the GP said it's maybe time to wean off the medication which he did. All was well for a time but the chemist kept delivering the meds even when he was off them. The GP mustn't have stopped the prescription so when after a few months he felt a bit low again (not a horrible episode like now, just standard low mood) he had a backlog of meds to go back to, it was too easy. The GP probably doesn't even know he's taking it again, the pills just arrive at the door each month like clockwork.

I've of course suggested he goes back to try another med as I know there's lots of different ones but he hasn't. I think counselling would help but he isn't interested.

JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle sympathies. Bipolar partners can be horrendous 💐💐💐

I have recently been through a bereavement and subsequent period of depression, I recognise the recklessness. Following the bereavement I said similar things to my husband. Now when I look back I realise I was not thinking rationally at all. The only way I can describe it is a feeling of constantly feeling uncomfortable in your own skin and very restless and wanting something (everything) to change but not recognising a reasonable or rational way of making that happen. Bereavement also caused me to ruminate on my own mortality and "what the fuck am I doing with my life" type thoughts as you are pre occupied by the life and death of whoever has died. I was not on medication so personally I think it is a part of the depression. Saying that I would say it sounds like your partner would benefit from a review of his meds, stopping and starting them like that is not what they are designed to be used for and it nay be that this one isn't sitting right with him but others would.

@JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle thank you so much for your posts, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.

You sound like a wonderful mother, and your dh is extremely lucky to still have you. Sending you a hand hold