Not sure I can cope with DP's MH anymore

[Emmy3]

DP of 6 years, own a house together, no DC, love each other very much. Got together youngish so we've grown together in many ways.

Over the last 18 months he's struggled with depression and anxiety. He's been quite open about it, and has been to the GP and is on medication. He won't do counselling, just isn't open to it although I have tried to encourage.

The medication seems to do this thing where it works so well for a 12 week or so period and life is amazing, when all of a sudden he changes. He goes extremely snappy, no patience at all, and we argue a lot. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me feel horrible and anxious. When this happens he has to wean off the medication and then it goes away. It's happened about 3 times or so now and then after some time off the medication he feels he needs to start taking it again as the anxiety/low mood creeps in.

After these episodes in the past he's explained it to me as follows:
He gets a sense of 'fearlessness' like none of his actions have consequences and that nothing really matters to him. He feels he can say what he wants and he doesn't think about how that might make me feel.

In the past during these strange periods of behaviour he's said things like 'we should just sell the house, I don't want this anymore' or 'I'll go back to my mums, you keep the house' etc. All really upsetting to hear when everything has been fine and he's been happy as Larry a week prior. After these weird 'episodes' he reflects on it and says I can't believe I said all of that. He seems to be genuinely scared about the things he says, one time he came home from work and said he'd wondered what it'd be like to step in front of the train, but stressed he wouldn't have actually done it.

Another one of these awful periods seems to have just started again. He's been on the meds again for about 3 months and the last few days have been bad.

I just handed him a cup of tea, handle facing him so he could just grab the handle. Instead he grabbed the whole cup and said 'ow!' So I kept hold of the cup so he didn't burn his hand and said, grab the handle! I'm unfortunately not psychic so didn't know he wanted me to quickly let go so he could put the cup on the side. He shouted so loud at me and it shocked me and made me tearful, it was that and also just an accumulation of other things that have happened over the last few days. He said 'really!? How pathetic' as I got up to leave the room.

I don't recognise him when he's like this, it's like a different persons taken over my loving DP. It's horrible and I don't know how much longer I can do it for.

Also, there’s 2 types of bipolar. The one everyone knows about, and then there’s soft bipolar

Er not a medical term.

It is known as that, or Bipolar 2

journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0004867412464063

Soft bipolar. Bipolar 2 not 1z

It does sound as though he needs a meds review and some of what you are describing does sound as if it is veering towards bipolar; but it could be the meds - definitely need looking at.

I lived with a man who was very anxious. It is insidious - you gradually find yourself tiptoeing round his fears, altering your lifestyle to prevent his anxiety, becoming a carer in many ways. Watch out for this; it is unhealthy.

I stand corrected!

In the 20 years of my OH bipolar neither of us have ever heard that term.

Thanks all so much for your responses I've read them all.
So sorry for those going through similar, sending you hand holds.

Didn't speak to him all night. Felt really shitty and anxious this morning, still didn't speak to him and went straight to work. Had a mad day on the ward so didn't get chance to think on and on about it, and then right at the end of my shift delivered the most gorgeous baby girl. They were such a cute little family and I got a bit of a post birth high

Things are a bit more back to normal now I'm home, he's being his normal loving self. I just feel detached from him, on the inside. I don't think I'm showing it though. I feel like I've had some kind of grand awakening and he doesn't even know it. Not sure what to do next, but somethings changed. I'm terrified of the replies telling me I'm wasting my life and it's going to get so much worse.

Also don't worry, no babies. I know it would be so much worse with a baby. He's been wanting a dog for about 2 years, I keep saying I don't want one, don't want to be tied down and don't want the responsibility. So no dog = definitely no babies!

Op it feels to me like you’ve outgrown the relationship.

I think it’s time to move on. Best wishes

I read something once that women tend to break up emotionally months before they verbalise anything, so when the break up happens they're already mostly over it.

Not sure what evidence thats based on, if any, but this feels a bit like that.

I'll really miss this house, I've worked so hard to get it to what it is now, I really love it here.

Just wanted to send you some OP and let you know that you're coping with this really well.

I'm the one with MH problems in my relationship (diagnosed with GAD) and am currently having a bad period). One thing I will say is that when I'm very anxious and having panic attacks, I sometimes just can't cope with other people - it's not personal, I'm just so anxious that I can't deal with their presence. It's better to leave me alone and I can usually calm myself. His nasty outbursts aren't excusable, though, I don't do that, I go quiet.

I agree with PP's that he needs to go back to the doctor and talk about what he can do to improve things. It's sometimes very hard living with someone who has MH issues, and those of us who have them need to take responsibility for them.

If you don’t want end it now - and fair enough - give it a set amount of time - say 18 months. If it isn’t really on track by then you have to knock it on the head or you are facing a life of mystery.

But I have to say op, do really think about it. I have a couple of great friends with partners with issues like this. In their 20s they loved their partners and they wanted to handle it etc, in their 40s with kids it’s a bloody misery. If either of them could go back in time and end it pre-kids - they would.

But if you do give it a go then

• GP needs to refer him to pysch - there seem to be mood swings that are beyond depression/anxiety. It needs specialist intervention to get meds right.

• he needs to investigate talking therapy. It may not work, but it’s worth a try, you wouldn’t refuse physio if you broke your ankle would you? The first step would be figuring out what you think it would help with, getting his impression and then having initial sessions with 3 people

But do have it in your head OP this may not work. And in the mean time - iron contraception.

OP, women are not rehab centres for abusive men, irregardless of their MH.

This.

OP, I'm old enough to be your mum. Please do not stay with this man, no house is worth that, no amount of money is worth this, no place, nothing is worth staying with this man.

[quote Emmy3]@tocas thanks for your balanced post and sorry
To hear you've had a rotten time. I absolutely agree with you, he shouldn't be on and off them like he is.

When he's back to normal he needs to have an open conversation with the GP about this. I think he needs a different med all together if I'm honest. [/quote]
I'd email his gp to tell them that he is now self medicating with all the medication that has arrived. The gp should stop the prescription. The medication clearly doesn't suit him. If your Dh is not willing to go back to the gp and take his health seriously then you really need to think hard about sharing a life with him. You may well love him when he's in good form but that's not enough. Think of the years of misery and upset you could end up suffering because he doesn't seem to want to get better.

Per the last two posts, MH isn’t an excuse for abuse and not everyone who has MH issues is a nightmare whom people regret being with after x number of years. I know several people who are kind, loving partners and good parents- their MH problems haven’t prevented them from being so. I’m not horrible myself, just anxious.

It boils down to taking responsibility for it.

And there it is, he's just told me he's not taken it today. Says he feels much more relaxed.

I'm sick to death of telling him he can't just stop it and start it as he pleases willy nilly. Sick to death.

Sounds like he is deliberately doing it then, may be he likes the drama. He's chosen you to be his emotional punchbag and if you don't want that role remove yourself physically and emotionally!

@Emmy3

And there it is, he's just told me he's not taken it today. Says he feels much more relaxed.

I'm sick to death of telling him he can't just stop it and start it as he pleases willy nilly. Sick to death.

.....and this will be your life if you stay, at the mercy of him, his moods, his medication, if and when he takes it.

You will be the adult always in the relationship and if you wanted children, it would always be you shouldering the stress and trying to protect him.

This is about the value you place on YOUR life, to be more than a carer for a man that will put himself first.

Know your worth.

SSRIS have been linked to hypomania. Irritability and feeling invincible disinhibited etc are all common symptoms of this condition. This is NOT a diagnosis. I am just suggesting his GP or mental health professional might need to review his mental health presentation and medication with this in mind.

Oh god just leave OP. You will be SO glad you did, in years to come.

Hope you're OK OP. You've been bombarded with powerful, tough stories on here. Most people I suspect, who walked away (me included) deliberated for a Long time. Years in my case. You don't have to decide anything today, this week or this month. Take care of yourself

He's not fit to be in an equal, loving, respectful relationship, is he, OP? He needs therapy, support from professionals and perhaps family, but until he's well, he will short-change any partner.

If you were married to him and had DC, it would be right to stick around loyally as long as he was actively seeking professional help and engaging with it, but you're not and he isn't.

You want and deserve way more than he can currently offer and he isn't working to improve things for himself, so ...

Does he imagine, because you're a health professional, that you owe him permanent healthcare at home? What do you get out of that? He sounds like a burden, not a bf.

I think this situation is likely to get worse not better.....so the question you need to ask yourself in my opinion is 'How would I feel and what would I do if this got worse?'

Where is the line exactly OP? Exactly what does he need to do or what needs to happen for you to feel like you're done. It's useful exercise to think about that and might shed light on your limits and boundaries.

Hi OP

It seems to me like you're giving and he is taking. What is he actually doing to try and get better? He is saying after the fact that he didnt mean it but knowing how much it hurt you, he is still happy to repeat the same pattern until it happens next time. I think lot of people have trouble finding the right type and dose of medication.. but when they know its hurting their family, in the mean time they try and address the actual issue by getting counselling, badgering their GP etc. Not sitting back and saying they didn't mean it

I've got complex mental health issues. When i start to recognise that snappiness or irritability is creeping in, it means my medication needs adjusting, or that things are getting worse. So, i adjust my meds and get more therapy, or do my self care. What i don't do is expect my dh to just put up with me being an arsehole.

Op I can only echo what @Juststopasking said.
I have depression and anxiety. Two things, when I get irritable/irrational/ragey it is a sure sign I need to look after my MH better whether that is exercise, time out, meds review or therapy. Second I feel like that towards everyone - it’s not something I feel just towards DH and feeling like that is not a reason to behave shittily towards him.
I’m all honesty I have been unpleasant when very ill but I’ve owned that behaviour and recognised I need to manage my MH so it doesn’t impact the people I love.

Had my 25th birthday since I last posted, woke up in the morning and he said happy birthday and was loving and cuddly, but he'd got me no card or present. Nothing.

He booked for us to have dinner and watch a film at the local shopping centre that evening. I hated it, it was absolutely rammed with people which made me feel a bit grim because of Covid. I hate it there at the best of times which he knows, last place I wanted to be on my birthday.

I think my present was the meal and film, but to not even get a card? I woke up to nothing. I cried and it was the worst birthday ever. I'd never do that to him, I always make an effort on special occasions.

We did speak about it but I was so upset about it all I could barely talk so didn't get much of my point across. I said the last 2 weeks have been absolutely awful with him and that he's been snappy and shouty none stop. He said I'm wrong to be putting this on him when he's still grieving and is about to lose someone else. They're old people, I'm not being insensitive, but old people die, you can't let your whole world stop because of it. I've lost all of my grandparents and it was horrific but life goes on.

I didn't mention the lack of present or card, i felt stupid moaning about it.

Have been looking at studio flats, really don't fancy a house share. Anything half decent is a little out of my budget but my sister has said I can stay with her if needs be. Shes on her own and has 2 spare rooms so I think that would be better.

Despite all of this I don't want to leave him, I love him. I feel so flat, and completely emotionally drained. I hate this!