Not sure I can cope with DP's MH anymore

[Emmy3]

DP of 6 years, own a house together, no DC, love each other very much. Got together youngish so we've grown together in many ways.

Over the last 18 months he's struggled with depression and anxiety. He's been quite open about it, and has been to the GP and is on medication. He won't do counselling, just isn't open to it although I have tried to encourage.

The medication seems to do this thing where it works so well for a 12 week or so period and life is amazing, when all of a sudden he changes. He goes extremely snappy, no patience at all, and we argue a lot. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me feel horrible and anxious. When this happens he has to wean off the medication and then it goes away. It's happened about 3 times or so now and then after some time off the medication he feels he needs to start taking it again as the anxiety/low mood creeps in.

After these episodes in the past he's explained it to me as follows:
He gets a sense of 'fearlessness' like none of his actions have consequences and that nothing really matters to him. He feels he can say what he wants and he doesn't think about how that might make me feel.

In the past during these strange periods of behaviour he's said things like 'we should just sell the house, I don't want this anymore' or 'I'll go back to my mums, you keep the house' etc. All really upsetting to hear when everything has been fine and he's been happy as Larry a week prior. After these weird 'episodes' he reflects on it and says I can't believe I said all of that. He seems to be genuinely scared about the things he says, one time he came home from work and said he'd wondered what it'd be like to step in front of the train, but stressed he wouldn't have actually done it.

Another one of these awful periods seems to have just started again. He's been on the meds again for about 3 months and the last few days have been bad.

I just handed him a cup of tea, handle facing him so he could just grab the handle. Instead he grabbed the whole cup and said 'ow!' So I kept hold of the cup so he didn't burn his hand and said, grab the handle! I'm unfortunately not psychic so didn't know he wanted me to quickly let go so he could put the cup on the side. He shouted so loud at me and it shocked me and made me tearful, it was that and also just an accumulation of other things that have happened over the last few days. He said 'really!? How pathetic' as I got up to leave the room.

I don't recognise him when he's like this, it's like a different persons taken over my loving DP. It's horrible and I don't know how much longer I can do it for.

Most GPs don't appreciate that these medications need to be weaned off very very slowly for a significant proportion of people. Quick chopping and changing can make things worse.

If I were you I'd be insisting on medication and therapy.

Ime there is a fine line between depression and Twatism...
You are not responsible for his well being.
But you sure as hell are responsible for your own. His doesn't outweigh yours....
Time to call it a day op...

He has been misdiagnosed with depression OP. Sounds like Bipolar which is triggered by SRRIs. He's describing a manic phase when he describes the fearlessness he feels. He needs different medication.

@tocas thanks for your balanced post and sorry
To hear you've had a rotten time. I absolutely agree with you, he shouldn't be on and off them like he is.

When he's back to normal he needs to have an open conversation with the GP about this. I think he needs a different med all together if I'm honest.

Just want to give you a hand hold really. I have dealt with MH in a partner and it is all consuming, totally exhausting and fighting an endless never winning battle. I am out of that relationship now but I truly was in love with him. It was many years ago but the memories of that time are still there. 18 years later he still has the same MH issues and another lady trying to deal with it sadly.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I am not an expert, but I'd be wondering whether he actually has bipolar rather than depression, and these phases represent entry to a manic/reckless phase?

What does his doctor say when the issue of this cycle is raised?

Exactly what 8 was going to say. My DH was initially diagnosed with depression after me saying for years I thought it was bipolar, but GP laughed at him and refused to refer to a psychiatrist. Turns out he has biplor type 2, which is harder to diagnose as you don't have full on mania.

Worth getting a second opinion and trying new medication, I wouldn't still be with DH by now if he wasn't much better controlled, he used to get awful mood swings with irritability and anger and well as the depression.

On the other hand, he isn't your problem to fix and that's OK too. I was married and had children, if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't have stuck around!

Refusing to see a counsellor is a red flag. A counsellor will help him recognise patterns in his behaviour (such as mood swings) which may be unavoidable but are manageable (by avoiding triggers, finding outlets etc). Is there no way he would be persuaded? (I know someone who goes to ‘couples therapy’ where her husband talks about his issues and she keeps very quiet).

@Franklyfrost he says he doesn't think it would be helpful as he's open about it with me and his friends and family. He says if he wants to talk about it he would talk about it with one of us, not a stranger.

I've had a bit of counselling in the past and found it really helped me. I have definitely encouraged him because of my positive experience but I don't think counselling would really work if you aren't open to it to begin with. Can't really be forced iyswim.

Thanks @litterbird x

OP, women are not rehab centres for abusive men, irregardless of their MH.

If you allow him to belittle you, be aggressive towards you and generally accept being disrespected now, then you’re simply giving him the go ahead to continue that when it suits him.

Being mentally ill doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you like dirt. Ask yourself - would you do or say those things to him?

I’d say it’s 100% ultimatum time, he either takes this hugely seriously and makes Dr and counselling appointments or he moves out.

Do not consider staying with someone because you ‘can’t afford’ to fund yourself through uni. You can get a flat share p/t work like most students or else put the course on hold and go back to work for now.

You’ll regret staying with someone who doesn’t care bough about you or your relationship to get well because you cannot fix someone, it’s not possible x 100000.

Have you ever been to his treating Dr together and have you heard this MH diagnosis stated from a DR? Or is "depression" what DP calls his MH problem .

I don't think a cyclical mood swing like that is "depression". Nor is "feeling fearless". And the medication breaks are odd.

If he thinks the medication is the problem why on earth is he not at the gp asking for a different medication?! Surely this is the absolute basic requirement? It's pretty well known that finding the right medication can take time. Insist sees the gp asap. His MH is not an excuse to treat you badly.

He hasn't even seen the GP face to face himself, it's been since Covid so no I haven't been to any appointments it's all over the phone unfortunately

I agree with the above posters who say this sounds more like bipolar than depression to me.

My cousin has bipolar. He's such a lovely guy, he really is, but I can't think of anyone worse to be in a relationship with. Sorry

My first response was bipolar as l am very familiar with this due to a family member. Your description rang a lot of bells . I would encourage him to go to his Psychiatrist and give a very clear run down of exactly what you said here. Antidepressants are very bad for bipolar as they increase the mania and part of that is that cranking as well as a feeling of being invincible. I firmly believe he has the wrong diagnosis

How old are you both? Do you plan to have DC at some point in the near future?

Perhaps a break from the relationship would be a good idea. You really need to consider your own feelings. There is no guarantee he will ever completely recover from his MH issues. It is putting a huge strain on your own life and his behaviour towards you is very nasty. There's no reason you should stand by and take that sort of treatment, your happiness matters too.

Think very carefully before committing further to this relationship.

Why won't he do counselling? In my sadly significant experience, medication alone isn't enough. It's like putting a plaster on / giving medication which reduces symptoms. It doesn't deal with what is causing his anxiety and depression.

I went through this with my now ex-partner.

The mood swings, on & off different types of medication, walking on eggshells.

He initially seemed such a "nice" guy, but living with him became unbearable.

The disrespect is a complete red flag. You must separate the mental health & abusive behaviour. There are plenty of people who have a low mood but don't choose to be nasty to their partners. And it is a CHOICE.

Mine turned out to be cheating. Unfortunately there are men who claim an illness to cover it up.

You don't say how old you are OP or whether you want children. But life becomes more challenging as you get older, and if he can't hack it on his 20's or 30's then things will only get worse.

I wouldn't stay with him and I definitely wouldn't have children. Sorry.

I lived for ten years with a man I really, really loved but in the end his mental health problems were too much for me to manage. And he relied on me as well as abusing me.

I will always love him but I'm relieved every day that I don't have to live like that anymore.

@EnfieldRes no not just yet, wedding after I graduate in 2 years time and babies after that.

@colouringindoors I explained in my post up thread

My first thought was bipolar too. I’m not an expert but I have known and worked with one.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/bipolar-disorder/overview/#overview

It’s a very unusual presentation for depression and a bad reaction to ADs.

I don’t know about bipolar but a trip to the GP would be my first port of call. I also think you need to go toegether. There is a lot there he wouldn’t be able to say to the GP because it’s only obvious to you.
The feeling of fearlessness isn’t one I would expect from ADs.

You need to insist for a face to face appointment.
Get a tel appointment and explain why you need a face to face together.

I am still reading but I'm just feeling sad and don't really have anything to say.

I'm 24 for those asking, he's 27. I'm NHS there's no way he'd get a face to face GP appointment let alone both of us, they're being very strict.

Ahh you have so many years ahead of you, life shouldn't be like this at 24 (mine was too).

I was with my ex from age 17 to 27 fwiw.

Is he loud and shouty to anyone other than you? I also think he needs a review. I do really feel for you. When my partner is unwell, it really drains me but he's never treated me like your partner and I can't imagine how hard that has been.

If he isn't going to sort himself out then you need to think about what you are going to do about your mental health. You found counseling useful before, maybe seek that out that again even if it's just to feel heard and seen at this difficult time. What time of the day is yours? What helps you unwind? Are you eating, exercising, drinking enough? Could you ask him to move out temporarily? Could you stay somewhere else for a short break (I guess covid makes that hard).

I'm not going to say whether you should leave him or not, only you can answer that but I'm going to guess one day you will reach your limit and they'll be no going back.