Not sure I can cope with DP's MH anymore

[Emmy3]

DP of 6 years, own a house together, no DC, love each other very much. Got together youngish so we've grown together in many ways.

Over the last 18 months he's struggled with depression and anxiety. He's been quite open about it, and has been to the GP and is on medication. He won't do counselling, just isn't open to it although I have tried to encourage.

The medication seems to do this thing where it works so well for a 12 week or so period and life is amazing, when all of a sudden he changes. He goes extremely snappy, no patience at all, and we argue a lot. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me feel horrible and anxious. When this happens he has to wean off the medication and then it goes away. It's happened about 3 times or so now and then after some time off the medication he feels he needs to start taking it again as the anxiety/low mood creeps in.

After these episodes in the past he's explained it to me as follows:
He gets a sense of 'fearlessness' like none of his actions have consequences and that nothing really matters to him. He feels he can say what he wants and he doesn't think about how that might make me feel.

In the past during these strange periods of behaviour he's said things like 'we should just sell the house, I don't want this anymore' or 'I'll go back to my mums, you keep the house' etc. All really upsetting to hear when everything has been fine and he's been happy as Larry a week prior. After these weird 'episodes' he reflects on it and says I can't believe I said all of that. He seems to be genuinely scared about the things he says, one time he came home from work and said he'd wondered what it'd be like to step in front of the train, but stressed he wouldn't have actually done it.

Another one of these awful periods seems to have just started again. He's been on the meds again for about 3 months and the last few days have been bad.

I just handed him a cup of tea, handle facing him so he could just grab the handle. Instead he grabbed the whole cup and said 'ow!' So I kept hold of the cup so he didn't burn his hand and said, grab the handle! I'm unfortunately not psychic so didn't know he wanted me to quickly let go so he could put the cup on the side. He shouted so loud at me and it shocked me and made me tearful, it was that and also just an accumulation of other things that have happened over the last few days. He said 'really!? How pathetic' as I got up to leave the room.

I don't recognise him when he's like this, it's like a different persons taken over my loving DP. It's horrible and I don't know how much longer I can do it for.

You are so young. Don't saddle yourself to someone with MH problems like bipolar etc already. I'm sorry those struggling. But OP it's a hard life to live and you could be happier. You've time to find out what you want. A separation while you come to terms with how you feel and what you want, hopefully in that time he can get further help and also decide what he wants. Some of the awfulness he's saying could be his 'true feelings'.

I wonder if his mood is erratic rather than purely low and the build up of serotonin in his brain from the sari after 12 weeks is triggering a type of irritable/impulsive hypomania (not full mania but on the way there). The constant brain chemistry swings won't be doing him any good, taking them then omitting them and stopping SSRI really needs to be done under medical supervision. He needs an urgent review and you need to insist on face to face. The "because of covid" is being used as a catch all excuse in healthcare but that's a separate issue! He could do something dangerously impulsive and needs seeing.

I bet he’s not aggressive and belittling to his boss, or his colleagues, bet he wouldn’t dream of “snapping” at his 6ft 2 burly colleague who handed him his cup of tea in a way that displeased him.

I’ll bet he manages just fine to reign in his nasty temper around everyone other than you.

@Emmy3

I am still reading but I'm just feeling sad and don't really have anything to say.

I'm 24 for those asking, he's 27. I'm NHS there's no way he'd get a face to face GP appointment let alone both of us, they're being very strict.

Oh OP you are far too young to be dealing with this life long issue. My daughter is 23 and I would not be supporting her to stay with someone who wont get therapy and proper diagnosis and continues to be quite abusive. You need to break free, heal and find someone who can emotionally support you through marriage, babies and beyond. Bringing any children in to this mix will be carnage. Seek support from your family and make a break my lovely. So sorry, it must be so difficult for you xx

OP, your DP saying if he wants counselling he can talk to you or a family member is like saying if heeds a filling he'll get a mate to do it. Counselling isn't just listening to someone talk! What next - DIY open heart surgery?

Even if you were a qualified counsellor, you wouldn't be allowed to treat your partner or a family member. If he won't seek and accept help, you can't be expected just to put up with the fallout. Does he want to be well or not?

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I am not an expert, but I'd be wondering whether he actually has bipolar rather than depression, and these phases represent entry to a manic/reckless phase?

What does his doctor say when the issue of this cycle is raised?

This is what I was thinking. It might be worth asking about mood stabilisers too.

Mirtazapine is horrible if he is on that, but if its the drug then he needs to find one that works and doesn't mess with him.

Only you know if it's the real him or not. My ex became an arsehole on mirtazapine and I just resented him for it. You know what you will put up with.

I could have described myself the way your husband did. Being 'fearless' with no care to consequences or any consideration for others. I was on diazepam for my long term anxiety

I know it isn't the same med, but I wanted to make you aware of the same effects these had on me in case GP considers this to be an option for his anxiety. They just numb you and they have a very high addiction rate

I hope he gets the right help he needs op

I've of course suggested he goes back to try another med as I know there's lots of different ones but he hasn't. I think counselling would help but he isn't interested

This is your biggest issue and where he’s being a twat. This isn’t just impacting him, it’s impacting you too, so he doesn’t get to just opt out of further help and expect you to tolerate his temper. He’s being completely unfair to you and you need to put your foot down, he has to value your relationship if this is going to work.

Okay, so:
A) it is never okay for someone with mental health problems to belittle or berate their partner. Sadly, it does happen - and the severity of the MH problem will play a part in that. It's why we section people with psychosis, and throw wife beating fuckers on low grade anti depressants in jail (sadly not enough). No partner of someone with a mental health problem should ever feel guilty for drawing their own line and walking away.
B) as an indication of his irrationality on medication (?) you say:
In the past during these strange periods of behaviour he's said things like 'we should just sell the house, I don't want this anymore' or 'I'll go back to my mums, you keep the house' etc.
This is not necessarily a symptom of a mental health problem. He may well genuinely feel this way, but be in such a fog/trying to do the right thing/trying to be 'reasonable', that he cannot talk to you about it, or even internally address his own unhappiness without the assistance of drugs. It is worth exploring this. Do you want the same things? Don't just each just assume that what you want is the 'sane' thing. And particularly make sure you actually and actively both want the same thing before you have kids.

Good luck. And remember - no one gets to be a shit to you. No one, no matter what.

@BustPipes thank you,

We have sat and talked and talked about it at length. He doesn't know why he does it. It frustrates him that he's said these things at all, and I quote 'it's not real! That's not how I feel but I say it as if I want to throw it all away, that's not what I want. I can't trust myself when I'm on it' 'it' being the citalopram.

I'm not ignoring people saying it's bipolar, I can see why you're saying that based on the information I've given but I disagree. There's definitely something though.

I know, I agree about counselling. I've really tried.

I work in psychiatry. Explore possibility of SSRI induced hypomania. Best he sees a psychiatrist rather than his GP.

Can I echo that too - GP prescriptions are prob not what you need. Access a thorough meds/diagnosis review but a psychiatrist.

He has two choices. One, he decides he needs no further help, will carry on as now. And carrying on as now includes behaving abusively and hurting you. If he doesn't wish to change any thing, he clearly finds it acceptable that he will go on hurting you. I very much hope you would then leave .

His other choice is to accept that his current treatment strategy is causing you pain, and since he claims he has no control over this, he decides he doesn't want to cause you pain and seeks help to sort this out, including counseling if appropriate (you and his mates are not mental health professionals and even if you were, he would still need a professional relationship with someone)

If he doesn't want to sort this out, that means he doesn't want to stop hurting you. Make that clear to him.

You cannot live like this, he has no right to expect it. Love does NOT mean "accepting any shit they throw your way". It really doesn't.

He may not be taking it daily and this is when his mood changes.
He sounds abusuve to me.
The question to ask yourself is does he treat anyone else the way he treats you - if the answers no then he’s emotionally abusive.
Part of me thinks he wants out of the relationship - is he hoping you will end it?

Sorry you’re having a shit time Emmy

And to others who have suffered and and suffering.

Deep depression verging on suicidal ideation could cause the wanting to throw it all away/ get rid. I wonder if it is a form of depressive psychosis rather than a mania exactly. But when that despair and I think nihilistic loss of inhibition, narcissistic rage gets projected onto you as bullying and abuse then I think sadly, that’s telling you what he is.

My DH has complex MH that no one has really got to the bottom of (or tried tbh) but at the end of the day, he will bully me to get relief. He acts out his self loathing and not wanting to be alive by destroying and devaluing things around him. It’s not the whole him, as like your DP when he’s better he can’t believe what he’s thought and said, but it’s actually still there underneath (learned from complex abuse as a child) and gets more quickly accessible with practice, so what needs to matter to you most OP is not why but the fact that when the chips are down he, like many men and my DH, he will become an abuser. As candycane says it’s a strategy that he and abusive men hit upon that costs them little to nothing. Their wives and girlfriends are a cheap and easy punchbag remedy that doesnt require effort on their part. They see it I think as better that you are hurt than I have these nasty feelings and/or that you will all feel my deep misery. He needs you there to keep being that punchbag and that lessens the chances that he will choose another more difficult path.

Whatever it is, illness, misogyny etc, I am living through another shitty abusive episode and have been making phone calls to try to get away after 8 years. It gets harder as you get older emmy so please do think about making a break now while you have time and health to rebuild your life.

It’s not worth taking the risk of thinking that you will leave when you get your degree as it’s very possible that his illness and behaviour will stop you even getting it. Please think of yourself

I’ve got complex mental health issues. I’ve never bullied anyone

Also, there’s 2 types of bipolar. The one everyone knows about, and then there’s soft bipolar.

Much less aggressive and pronounced than normal bipolar.

The good thing is you don't have DC.

Obviously you wouldn't want to bring children into this sort of set up, so if you never want to have DC then you can carry on as you are.

The only person this affects is you and him and if you're prepared to put up with nastiness and abuse to have a relationship then that's on you.

If you want DC though at some point in the future, the only thing to do is leave him.

He is not suitable father material is he? You know that.

So stay if you can live with abuse and never want to have kids or leave if you don't want to be abused and if you want kids further down the line and find someone who is suitable parent material.

He needs to see the GP and get a different medication, you need to employ some tough love.

If you havent talked to the doctor about this, got a medication review and switched to a different one in x weeks then I will be doing xyz (things that protect you).

And then follow through

You're not married and you don't have children. Just leave him, you deserve much better.

Does he behave like this at work, OP?

OP,

Younare so young and in the process of utterly throwing your life away.

You will bitterly regret tying your future to this man and having a family.

Finish your course.
Focus on your course.
Detach from him emotionally.
Sell the house.
Move on.
Bring in a lodger to help with costs if necessary.

But do not commit to a future with him.

You deserve more.

Bottom line, OP, you can't read minds and it's much too stressful to try to be supportive to someone who's not only a shout-nasty but tells you so many conflicting things that you don't know which way is up with them.

Never set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

You are not a trained health professional so it is not up to you to save him. He needs to seek proper help and if he refuses then maybe tell him you are reconsidering your relationship.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’ve got complex mental health issues. I’ve never bullied anyone

Likewise.