The day to day "humdrum" of parenting is absolutely what builds the bond between parent and child, glad you are recognising and acknowledging that op.
My dd is in the process of tentatively "reconnecting" with her dad at her instigation. He is barely making an effort and I'm so worried she is going to be rejected/hurt again but there is nothing I can do as she is an adult now all I can do is listen, support, occasionally guide. It's really hard. He is getting frustrated with her that it's not as "easy" as it is with his 5 boys - that he has lived with all their lives! Of course it won't be the same and that's not her fault!
We have tried counselling, but it hasnt worked.
Counselling is so tricky to navigate. For starters finding a good counsellor you click with, unfortunately not all counsellors are "genuine" as it's an unregulated industry and unprotected title - anyone can do it! Then a counsellor may suit you but not her, some places have collaborative counselling where you see different counsellors but give them permission to talk to and collaborate with each other to work together to bring you together, or even seeing the same counsellor but having individual sessions at least initially. That way you can both say what you need to get off your chests without as much risk of upset.
It'll take longer than 6 months as I said before. There's a lot to unpick
I honestly think when the sex stops, so does the marriage, it’s the one act that either makes you friends or lovers.
I have to agree. When I couldn't face having sex with my then husband (because I couldn't trust him, inc with my sexual health) I knew it was over. I kept my cards close as I needed to organise things financially/legally but that didn't take long and that stage coincided with him doing something utterly unforgivable and things coming to a head anyway and me admitting I knew about his affair (which he denied - and continued to deny for YEARS despite the child that was a result of it!)
That she's stuck around and you get along in other ways suggests all is not lost though.
I can only speak from my own experience and from talking with friends/family but it's really really common for women to just feel "touched out" in those early years (a phrase and concept I was unaware of until I joined mn after the divorce) and just want their bodies left in peace of an evening!
Question - have you ever had sole care of the dc for any period of time? A weekend a week? Because to be honest, if not, you won't have a HINT of how it feels to be CONSTANTLY in demand - physically, practically, spiritually!
I truly think ALL dads as soon as possible dependent on various circumstances (eg breast feeding) should have a time where they have sole care, a long weekend, a week if only so they can get a TASTE of the experience of doing so.
My own brother became a resident single dad due to splitting from his ex then his ex died. Prior to that, he thought he was an excellent and involved dad. Not 6 weeks into this situation developing he admitted he hadn't a clue! That he was struggling and didn't know how all the sahm (he was still working!) and especially single mums did it without going nuts! Now yes he was also dealing with a grieving child who'd lost SO much, his mum but also his home, his school, his friends as he had to move... but bro admitted he was even struggling with the basics - like remembering to sign a school permission slip, or that his child didn't like x veg...
He is now remarried but often says in such discussions that ALL fathers should do a week solo ASAP. Actually he says a fortnight! And not a holiday but normal school/work juggling.
Something to ponder on?
So many marriages/ltr fall apart at the young kids stage for all these reasons. The physical demands, the lack of sleep, tight finances...but also if one or other of the couple takes their spouse/partner for granted at this stage.
Every action, every word, cannot be taken back.