Partner's crude immature comments

[JaffaCake70]

Hi

I'm just looking for opinions on the following, if you think I'm being uptight and over reacting please just say so.

I've been with my current partner for 7 months, he is 47 I'm 51. It's been a complete whirlwind romace, he is a wonderful man, kind, caring, loving, generous in every way, he looks after me very well and is 99% the man of my dreams.....

But there's that 1% that's just bugging me, you see he has this habit every now and again of saying things that I find insulting and disrespecful. Let me first say that this is a man who jokes around a lot and likes to 'banter' with me (and others) he gets away with a lot of the things he says to me by saying them in a 'jokey' manner.

It started with him telling me that when he hit puberty he used to w*nk (his word not mine) over the underwear pages in his Mother's mail order catalogue.. making comments about the pages sticking together etc.. I've had similar, button pushing, behaviour from a partner in the past so chose not to react to this silliness as I know complaining about it can lead to me being made to feel like I'm reacting in an insecure, jealous way about something that was way in the past.

He has made a few similar immature comments over the months and then today, we were talking about a girl I knew at school who had a relationship with a teacher, I was saying how inappropriate it was and that I didn't realise how bad it was at the time because I was only a kid myself. I thought we were having a serious conversation then he came out with 'I was always w*nking over one teacher or another when I was at school...

It made me feel a bit sick inside, I just don't see a productive reason for making this kind of comment. I often think men say these things to get a reaction from women, what do you think? Am I over reacting? Is this kind of talk acceptable in a relationship? Should I start telling him stories about who I w*nked over when I was a teenager?

Just as a foot note, another little thing that irritates me is that he knows I'm very sensitive about my (menopausal) thinning hair, but he constantly comments on other women's hair. In the street, on the tv, his daughter's friends.. constantly saying how gorgeous other women't hair is. I know I sound super sensitive, maybe I am, but I can't help wondering if he's doing it on purpose to make me feel even worse about my own thinning locks.

As I said at the start of my post, this man has been amazing in so many other ways, I don't want to break up or anything, I just would like your advice on how to deal with his crude talk and your opinions on why he behaves in this way..

TIA :-)

unsolicited that’s what my ex-DH was like. He’d take anything I shared with him when things were good (or so I thought) and use it against me later.

I'm interested to see how he reacts when I ask him about these things. I think his reaction will tell speak volumes about whether or not he actually has an agenda or whether he is just stupid and insensitive.

Remember that we can't always tell anything about someone's motives by what they say. We can't 100% tell when someone is lying or their reaction is contrived.

Once when I told him he'd hurt me, my ex even faked a sob and wiping a tear in his eye.

You can ony judge people's care for your feelings, or lack thereof, by how they act/talk the rest of the time (after a short time after being pulled up for their actions, when they might well be trying to charm to avoid being dumped.

So, judge his character and motives by his ongoing behaviours, not how good a show he puts on when challenged.

@FourTurnings I've been with a man like that, too. It's shit. Hoping life is better for you now.

Thanks unsolicited it is! I’m sorry I spent my twenties with him but at the time, you don’t realise it’s not normal. Much better now though 😀 hope it’s the same for you.

@FourTurnings

Thanks unsolicited it is! I’m sorry I spent my twenties with him but at the time, you don’t realise it’s not normal. Much better now though 😀 hope it’s the same for you.

Oh yes, kicked that prick into touch eventually. It's the boiling frog analogy I guess, you don't immediately realise you're in an abusive relationship until the heat is turned right up.

The boiling frog analogy - that is spot on.

My latest source of disgust was his numerous comments about how 'strong' Emma Raducanu's thighs looked in her recent brilliant performance at Wimbledon... Don't get me wrong, I'm quite partial to the sight of Raphael Nadal's thighs, the difference being I don't feel the need to state my appreciation out loud to my partner.. This is a 47 year old man who has a 30 year old Daughter, commenting on the thighs of an 18 year old young woman. Am I becoming massively over sensitive or is this unacceptable behaviour?

He’s obviously making you feel uncomfortable ( and he sounds like a total dickhead!)

He’s either testing your boundaries, or he’s dense!

Either way… do you want this?

Are you still with him @JaffaCake70?
This is unsustainable. How can you stand it?

Wowsers - you're still with him?!
Find your pride and ditch this absolute pervert.

I realise that you are under a lot of stress with your brother and menopause does nothing to help this. My hair thinned out a hell of a lot too with menopause and I decided I wouldn’t accept it. (I had fairly fine blonde hair to begin with, so bald spots really obvious.) I went to a dermatologist who specialises in scalp problems. She did some biopsies and I also had to collect all the hairs on my brush and clothes every day in ziplock bags for two weeks so they could do a daily average count and look at where in the hair cycle they were falling to diagnose the type/s of alopecia I have. I was diagnosed with adrogenic alopecia and telogen effluvium and prescribed oral minoxidil and spironolactone. My hair isn’t where it was, but it’s close. I have also started taking 10000mcg twice a day of biotin, which I order from Amazon or iHerb (whichever is cheaper). I get the Solgar brand. It has made a HUGE difference in a fairly short time. You might even want to start with that one.
However, I think you need to ask yourself if you would have been open to a man like this if you had been in a less vulnerable place? He is using one of your vulnerabilities to erode your self-confidence in an effort to make you feel like you’re not going to be able to find anyone better because there are so many more girls/women out there with better hair. He is pushing to move in with you. I bet he has form for being a cocklodger. I’d look REALLY hard into his financial situation. I bet he has debts out the wazoo and a really shit credit rating, OR he’s actually tight-fisted after the love-bombing has done it’s job and simply moves in to start being a miser. He’s a creep. I’m so sorry.

the difference being I don't feel the need to state my appreciation out loud to my partner.. This is a 47 year old man who has a 30 year old Daughter, commenting on the thighs of an 18 year old young woman. Am I becoming massively over sensitive or is this unacceptable behaviour?

@JaffaCake70 Ugh. Let him know you don't need to hear him admiring and perving over other women in any way- hair, thighs, whatever. Or about his past wanking habits. I suppose there's quite a list of cringey comments really. I mean, he shouldn't need to be told but it seems he does.

I don't think this is something you can put up with for much longer, is it? This isn't just once or twice now. I suppose it means he does need binning, because this is his personality and it's unattractive.

You know something, I think he is making the comments about hair on purpose. Just say if your partner was self conscious about being bald, you wouldnt start commenting on the gorgeous head of hair on other men, would you?

As for the wanking comments, he is totally pushing the boundaries to see what he can and cant get away with saying to you. It is rude, disrespectful and not called for.

You should never let anyone become comfortable with disrespecting you. He has shown you who he is so you need to believe him and certainly do not move in with him because that is when things will really ramp up.

You sound like a really good person and there is someone out there that is more worthy and deserving of you than this guy because trust me, he is coming across as disgusting.

you are obviously an empathetic person, caring for your brother, and narcissistic types tend to latch on to those, because they let them get away with more, before they are rumbled.
give this creep the heave-ho, before he damages your self-confidence and self belief.
any gas-lighting yet ? there will be, it's standard fare. unfortunately.
get out now.

he is a wonderful man, kind, caring, loving, generous in every way

No he’s not, he’s none of those thing.

To all those saying the wanking comments aren’t so bad.

He said it in relation to a conversation about an inappropriate relationship between a teacher and a student.

Those of you who said it’s OK - you’d respond like that? Really??

That’s beyond socially inept, and downright socially incompetent. Or do you make allowances for blokes to behave in a way you never would yourself?

I actually don’t think all men are total buffoons. None of the men I know would say something like this. I know that, because they don’t.

Seriously. There some people with pitiful standards on this thread, who have no place to be handing out advice about anything to do with respectful adult relationships.

Just an aside, but have you had your thyroids checked? Thinning hair can be a symptom of thyroid problem.

I'm glad you consulted mumsnet and getting such great advice.

Just slow things down a bit and definitely do not move in with him.

He sounds gross and not a gentleman. Definitely slow things down. I think he wants you to move in so quickly because he knows he can’t keep up the masquerade.

Ime, men who are that brash, and who try to control reactions to their brashness by calling it banter or humour, are deeply insensitive to the feelings and needs of everyone else on the planet.

Watch how he behaves in restaurants, shops and airports etc to staff - not when he is being charming on arrival, but when small things go wrong. Does he bully and belittle them? Does he tease them and make them feel uncomfortable and then pretend he's joking? If he does, he's a tosser.

Also check how he behaves if you are unwell or hinder him in any way (eg having sore feet from walking in heels at an event where he is wearing comfortable men's shoes.) Is he kind and patient or irritable and 'teasing' (mocking and belittling)? If he's anything other than kind, he wont; get any nicer as he gets to know you better.