Partner's crude immature comments

[JaffaCake70]

Hi

I'm just looking for opinions on the following, if you think I'm being uptight and over reacting please just say so.

I've been with my current partner for 7 months, he is 47 I'm 51. It's been a complete whirlwind romace, he is a wonderful man, kind, caring, loving, generous in every way, he looks after me very well and is 99% the man of my dreams.....

But there's that 1% that's just bugging me, you see he has this habit every now and again of saying things that I find insulting and disrespecful. Let me first say that this is a man who jokes around a lot and likes to 'banter' with me (and others) he gets away with a lot of the things he says to me by saying them in a 'jokey' manner.

It started with him telling me that when he hit puberty he used to w*nk (his word not mine) over the underwear pages in his Mother's mail order catalogue.. making comments about the pages sticking together etc.. I've had similar, button pushing, behaviour from a partner in the past so chose not to react to this silliness as I know complaining about it can lead to me being made to feel like I'm reacting in an insecure, jealous way about something that was way in the past.

He has made a few similar immature comments over the months and then today, we were talking about a girl I knew at school who had a relationship with a teacher, I was saying how inappropriate it was and that I didn't realise how bad it was at the time because I was only a kid myself. I thought we were having a serious conversation then he came out with 'I was always w*nking over one teacher or another when I was at school...

It made me feel a bit sick inside, I just don't see a productive reason for making this kind of comment. I often think men say these things to get a reaction from women, what do you think? Am I over reacting? Is this kind of talk acceptable in a relationship? Should I start telling him stories about who I w*nked over when I was a teenager?

Just as a foot note, another little thing that irritates me is that he knows I'm very sensitive about my (menopausal) thinning hair, but he constantly comments on other women's hair. In the street, on the tv, his daughter's friends.. constantly saying how gorgeous other women't hair is. I know I sound super sensitive, maybe I am, but I can't help wondering if he's doing it on purpose to make me feel even worse about my own thinning locks.

As I said at the start of my post, this man has been amazing in so many other ways, I don't want to break up or anything, I just would like your advice on how to deal with his crude talk and your opinions on why he behaves in this way..

TIA :-)

Please tread carefully. The w&nking bit is crude but the hair thing is a massive red flag. Please don’t move in with him

@Justneedaholiday

Yuk. Do yo have no self respect, you are a 51-year old woman..

Why talk to people like this? It's just rude

Well said, @youOKhunn

I think YABU his comments are immature but if everything else is great then they wouldn’t bother me. It depends how immature he is though because that’s quite a big thing to be incompatible about.
The hair comments would be the only red flag but as you’ve already said you’re self conscious of your hair then it’s hard to tell whether it is more in you’re own head.

OP, don't worry about snarky comments, I doubt any of us can say we have never ever been drawn in by a whirlwind something or other at some point. The last thing you need is to be shamed about falling for him. The main thing is that you knew there wwas something off about him, and came here to check. It can't be easy having your worst fears confirmed by everyone. Sorry you're facing a decision you probably hoped you wouldn't have to make.

@youOKhunn My thoughts exactly

Thank you everyone for your input, I'm currently reading up on love bombing and trying to process everyone's comments and advice. I really appreciate the kindness of everyone who's given constructive advice, that's what I came here for :-)

The comments about wanking wouldn't bother me at all - in fact I personally find it reassuring when men talk openly about things like that because it suggests they're not putting on a sanitised shop-front for you. In my experience that sort of man talks to men and women the same, instead of treating women differently. But if you don't like it, tell him you don't like hearing those old stories and don't want to hear about what men do in private.

As for the hair comments - sounds like 2 possibilities to me. Either a) he doesn't realise he's doing it, or b) he does realise and is being nasty.
Tell him it upsets you because you're sad that your own hair is being badly affected by menopause. See how he reacts. If he carries on, he's either an idiot or an arse and is not the right man for you.

Incidentally, you might find this podcast on [https://www.menopausedoctor.co.uk/menopause/035-hair-loss-and-hormones-dr-sajjad-rajpar-and-dr-louise-newson Menopause and hair loss] by the wonderful Dr Louise Newson interesting, if you've not heard it.

Future faking is something you might want to look into as well OP.

@NiceGerbil

The important questions.

Have you told him to knock it off?
If not why not?

If you have, how did he react?

^ spot on, as is often the case from @NiceGerbil

Sorry, I mucked up that link.
You might find this podcast on Menopause and hair loss by the wonderful Dr Louise Newson interesting, if you've not heard it.

For now, I'd slow it down, take the gifts with a pinch of salt, perhaps a little less sex and a bit more talking and doing things together. Absolutely too soon to consider moving in - maybe in a year or 2?
It's probably not an approach you'd want to take, but I'd wonder what he'd do if you played him at his own game and mentioned positive attributes of other men, I doubt he's physically perfect, how's his own hair status at his age?
It's probably the initial honeymoon phase that made you blind to how he is, give it more time, you might see more flaws, I suspect he knows he has plenty - why else lovebomb and rush you to move in. This man is not all that confident, he is trying too hard to convince you that he's the best you can get by bringing you down.

I think it's common for men to have crude sexual thoughts and also to check out women they see in the street. I certainly do. But I would never tell anyone, and I would certainly not compare my DW unfavourably to another woman.

That's nice thank you divorced

@DivorcedAndDelighted Thank you so much for the link, I will definitely listen to the podcast. I'm currently considering having my shoulder length hair cut short as it just looks so thin and limp when I wear it down :-(

@Notagain20

Have you heard of love bombing? The whirlwind romance sounds like it could be him saying and doing what you want to hear, but now the mask is slipping. Have you told him how hurtful his comments are, about hair? I couldn't be doing with a bloke who was commenting on women's appearance all the time anyway, but to comment on something he knows you're sensitive about just sounds cruel.

This good be the case, so really don’t minimise this.

Make the space to tell him properly what bugs you to give him a chance.

But if it doesn’t improve, I would move on.

I don't think the wanking comments are a sign of anything too terrible, though you could argue that if he can see you really don't like this sort of talk then he could have toned it down. The hair thing would definitely bother me more. If he knows you're sensitive about it, it seems an odd thing to focus on when he's talking about other women (and in fact complimenting other women too much in front of you is somewhat insensitive anyway).

I'm not sure if it's necessarily fair to say he's definitely been "love-bombing" you - your description of the early stages of the relationship as lots of cosy nights in, weekends away, sex etc. sounds pretty nice and normal to me. Surely this in itself doesn't have to be a sign of anything sinister?! Unless you feel that he's been moving things faster than you want?

[quote JaffaCake70]@DivorcedAndDelighted Thank you so much for the link, I will definitely listen to the podcast. I'm currently considering having my shoulder length hair cut short as it just looks so thin and limp when I wear it down :-([/quote]
This is the bit that bothers me the most. To me, it feels like he's honed in on an insecurity he already knows you have, and is leaning into it. I realise cutting your hair is entirely your choice, but I wonder if he'll see it as a sign he's got to you, and will up the insults a bit.

I am, it has to be said, a total pessimist but he doesn't sound nice OP, and you sound like you deserve better.

OP have you told him to knock it off though? When he has said these things.

@NiceGerbil No I haven't. My reason being that in a previous relationship when similar things would happen and I would react, I always felt like I'd given my ex what he wanted, he liked that I was insulted by his remarks. I think some men get a feeling of smug security when a woman shows she's bothered by this kind of thing.

If I was to react next time, how do you think I should go about it? I don't want him to think I'm jealous over something that happened when he was basically a child, but I also don't want him thinking I'm ok with his immature behaviour.

If you feel that he would get some satisfaction from thinking he'd offended you that's a huge red flag, OP. People in loving relationships don't enjoy offending their partners or making them uncomfortable.

This is who he is.

And who he is, is an immature idiot who best case scenario thinks it's clever and funny to talk about wanking in a really gross way and other women being attractive, worst case scenario is an arsehole trying to make you feel uncomfortable and / or insecure.

Do either of those scenarios sound attractive to you?

Your response to this is far from healthy and I think that unresolved trauma from your ex is clouding your judgement. You say you're trying not to react because you reacted when your ex pushed your buttons and tried to make you uncomfortable and he got satisfaction from that. You should be reacting - not by having big talks about why it's uncomfortable etc but by walking away!! Your boundaries are skewed because of your ex. The opposite of reacting isn't by default pretending you aren't bothered and not saying anything but staying together. The opposite of reacting and staying with someone is not reacting and LEAVING someone.

This man doesn't need to be psychoanalysed. He's a run of the mill, everyday wanker and this is his sense of humour, his level and his relationship behaviour. They aren't compatible with yours because you're nice, normal and decent.

Read up on lovebombing but also the shark cage relationship analogy.

Please don't stay with someone who is so cringeworthingly rubbish.

I think some men get a feeling of smug security when a woman shows she's bothered by this kind of thing.

And those men should be broken up with. Men who enjoy making women uncomfortable are not relationship material.

Why would he think you're jealous?

Tell him you're not interested in his teenage masturbating habits that it's a massive turn off to hear about him as a w*nking schoolboy