Partner's crude immature comments

[JaffaCake70]

Hi

I'm just looking for opinions on the following, if you think I'm being uptight and over reacting please just say so.

I've been with my current partner for 7 months, he is 47 I'm 51. It's been a complete whirlwind romace, he is a wonderful man, kind, caring, loving, generous in every way, he looks after me very well and is 99% the man of my dreams.....

But there's that 1% that's just bugging me, you see he has this habit every now and again of saying things that I find insulting and disrespecful. Let me first say that this is a man who jokes around a lot and likes to 'banter' with me (and others) he gets away with a lot of the things he says to me by saying them in a 'jokey' manner.

It started with him telling me that when he hit puberty he used to w*nk (his word not mine) over the underwear pages in his Mother's mail order catalogue.. making comments about the pages sticking together etc.. I've had similar, button pushing, behaviour from a partner in the past so chose not to react to this silliness as I know complaining about it can lead to me being made to feel like I'm reacting in an insecure, jealous way about something that was way in the past.

He has made a few similar immature comments over the months and then today, we were talking about a girl I knew at school who had a relationship with a teacher, I was saying how inappropriate it was and that I didn't realise how bad it was at the time because I was only a kid myself. I thought we were having a serious conversation then he came out with 'I was always w*nking over one teacher or another when I was at school...

It made me feel a bit sick inside, I just don't see a productive reason for making this kind of comment. I often think men say these things to get a reaction from women, what do you think? Am I over reacting? Is this kind of talk acceptable in a relationship? Should I start telling him stories about who I w*nked over when I was a teenager?

Just as a foot note, another little thing that irritates me is that he knows I'm very sensitive about my (menopausal) thinning hair, but he constantly comments on other women's hair. In the street, on the tv, his daughter's friends.. constantly saying how gorgeous other women't hair is. I know I sound super sensitive, maybe I am, but I can't help wondering if he's doing it on purpose to make me feel even worse about my own thinning locks.

As I said at the start of my post, this man has been amazing in so many other ways, I don't want to break up or anything, I just would like your advice on how to deal with his crude talk and your opinions on why he behaves in this way..

TIA :-)

Yuk. Creep. Literally what a w`````.

I would say he has his own insecurities and he is trying to pull you down to his level.

I went out with a creep like this fir a couple of weeks and ended up being stalked by him for months till i moved a long way away.

Commenting on his daughter's friend's hair - my hair is thinning, it's not nice, that alone would end it for me. I would end it with dh if he was behaving like that no f```` given.

Get rid. The nice parts are way too good to be true.

What is this man's financial situation ? Is he looking for a place to stay do you think ?

Wow what a charmer. I can't think anyone being interested in who someone wanked over when they were a teen.

And the hair comments are deliberate to make you feel crap about yourself and grateful that he finds you attractive. Who would deliberately go on about something that you know someone is self conscious or upset about. It's like telling your friend who's struggling to get pregnant how you keep getting pregnant everytime you have unprotected sex. Or telling someone trying to lose weight how the weight just falls off etc. Very insensitive and cruel.

My friend chucked her partner over things like this. They had been together for years, but he also said the mail order catalogue stuff but in a far less graphic way. What pushed her to end it is that he made remarks about women on the telly. Not in the sense of phwoar etc, but if they annoyed him, he would call them a cow or a bint. I was there once when they had Strictly on and he made comments about Oti Mabuse which I called him out on. "Who's that bint?" was what he actually said. I also heard about him calling someone on Who Wants to be a Millionaire a silly cow because she didn't know the answer to a question he thought was simple.

I pointed out to him that I felt offended hearing that for many reasons one of which was that he would not call a man a cow or a bint, so he was using a purely female-based insult and he should criticise the actions not the person, if he had to at all. I wrecked their pizza night and made my mate think.

And he was a decent, reliable bloke underneath it all. It was this sort of comment that was unacceptable.

@Sakurami

Wow what a charmer. I can't think anyone being interested in who someone wanked over when they were a teen.

And the hair comments are deliberate to make you feel crap about yourself and grateful that he finds you attractive. Who would deliberately go on about something that you know someone is self conscious or upset about. It's like telling your friend who's struggling to get pregnant how you keep getting pregnant everytime you have unprotected sex. Or telling someone trying to lose weight how the weight just falls off etc. Very insensitive and cruel.

This 100%

I'd give him one more chance - tell him you don't like him making comments about other women's hair and if he does it again give him the boot!

Banter = I’m going to behave like an immature twat and say stupid, potentially hurtful things…coz it’s only bantah, innit?

I positively avoid men like this. The hair comments: he’s doing it on purpose, to see if he can get away with it. Soon he’ll move onto other aspects of your appearance and make you feel insecure.

Sorry, he’s really not a nice man.

Well, he's definitely a wind-up merchant, no doubt about that.
Honestly, I would bin him.
He sounds horrible, especially in relation to the hair comments.

If I was to react next time, how do you think I should go about it? I don't want him to think I'm jealous over something that happened when he was basically a child, but I also don't want him thinking I'm ok with his immature behaviour.

@JaffaCake70 About the wanking etc- if he mentions if again I wouuld just say something like 'I don't want to hear about that' or 'I don't need to know that' etc.

The hair thing I do think is deliberately nasty.

Actions speak louder than words - he says he loves you but then undermines your confidence. That isn’t love.

And even if he does love you, you don’t owe him love back. If you don’t like the way he talks about wanking and commenting on other women you are allowed not to love him.

You don’t owe him anything.

His DAUGHTERS friends? Yikes

He's a twat OP. I had one like this, all fun trips, gifts, affection but ultimately no respect for you or other women. The negging about your hair is fucking shit. He's a misogynist who you know is making ridiculous comments about wanking purely to get a reaction...it's a childish way of trying to control/assert power. Get rid

I don't know about "love bombing" - people reading too many 'narcissists by numbers' websites. TBH all relationships calm down after the first few months. People do get comfortable and that's when you get to see if they are serious relationship material.

The comments about wanking are interesting. It's odd isn't it? What the compulsion to say it out loud is about? It might be a kind of 'tell' or 'reveal' for example - I wonder if he watches a lot of pornography or has some unsavoury behaviour in his past or a lot of shame. At the very least it's primitive stuff, like men who think it's funny to fart. It certainly points to someone largely in the dark about his motivations.

The hair comments - that is worrying. People often do this kind of stuff as an unconscious reflex. But just because they are not consciously saying it, does not make it any less destructive or meaningful. It does likely mean that on a deeper level he wants to control you or elevate himself by hurting you - a very adolescent behaviour.

First stage is to say something in a firm, illuminating and non argumentative way. Like next time he does the wanking thing you could something like - "you mention wanking like that quite often - what do you think that means?" see if he can see that it's a bit odd. Or even "that comment makes me feel really uncomfortable - do you think that is your intention?" (with genuine curiosity not accusation).

I had an ex who used to always make me too much food. I have weight issues so need to be careful. But he couldn't see it as anything other than nice to bring me a whole toasted teacake instead of half or put too much food on my plate. He did admit to enabling his last partners drinking, so I knew he had a few issues. One day I told him I felt he was enabling my food issues and if I was a herion addict would he do this with Herion? and that it felt a bit "pushy". The penny dropped. He actually stopped. The point was he understood and changed his largely unconscious behaviour.

It's worth trying non-confrontational communication and see if he understands or stops. But, this is crucial, If he doesn't get it or argues or deflects back onto you - you might need to walk. Living with someone who can't reflect and adjust is a recipe for misery long term.

OP he is not a nice person.

He has all the hallmarks of an abusive partner in the early stages i.e before he gets his feet properly under your table !

He has 'love bombed' you, 'future talks' with you, and is keen to 'move in asap' !

As soon as he does move in, you'll be expected to

1. Wash/ clean/ cook for him 24hrs a day.
2. Pay all the bills (and be expected to be 'grateful' to him for the 'once in a while small shop' he does for you
3. Be available for sex 24/7, regardless of whether you want it or not.
4. Listen to the many varied 'wrongs' done to him by work/workmates etc (which mean you will never see a penny of his earnings !)
5. He'll expect you to be 'cool' with him coming and going at all hours, as he pleases. (and any complaining by you will be seen as you 'trying to control him' etc)
6. He'll start meeting/messaging other women, who will all just be 'friends', and you'll be a 'psycho' for even asking about these women, never mind challenging him with your suspicions ! (which will be 100% right, by the way, he will be cheating)
7. He'll constantly criticize your looks/ hair/ clothes/ make-up (or lack of it). Lots and lots of little nasty digs, designed to make you feel 'lucky' he's stayed with you.
8. All your opinions will be derided/ridiculed/ignored (I mean FGS, who asked you )
9. He will make all the decisions about the money/house/social life/friends (you won't be allowed any, because he doesn't like them !)

10. He will separate you from everyone/anyone who would challenge him or help you. He needs you to be dependent/scared on/of him.

For heavens sake, dump this moron (who already enjoys making you feel uncomfortable/upset ffs !).

Please see him for what he IS, and not what you'd like him to be....

You deserve someone who loves you, not someone who enjoys hurting you !

Your use of asterisks would be a red flag for me. I wouldn't consider a relationship with anyone who couldn't use proper adult terms regarding sex.

His comments about hair make him a total arse though. That is absolutely a massive marker for starting to abuse you. Get rid.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation seriously? Everyone's allowed to do what they want. So what would you like her to type? Wank? Shag? Tits? Some of us find it crude and offensive to talk like that.

What Ragwort said. You seem desperate to keep this man. It's very sad.

Tbh I've never found a guy who buys you gifts in the first few months of dating to be remotely sane. I mean fair enough maybe if it's just little thoughtful things. But actual gifts...nah, out to con you.

@Umberellatheweatha

Tbh I've never found a guy who buys you gifts in the first few months of dating to be remotely sane. I mean fair enough maybe if it's just little thoughtful things. But actual gifts...nah, out to con you.

This.

I also agree that you seem desperate to hang on to him - at all costs.
Good luck to you. You'll need it.

Are you sure he's 47, not 14??

Look up lovebombing. And negging.

I couldn't be doing with that.

The hair comments are deliberately made to upset you
Because think about it, men just do not mention women’s hair ever. Unless he’s a hairdresser and you haven’t mentioned that .

It’s usually women that compliment other women’s hair and I have never heard a man compliment a women’s hair, even once let alone constantly.
He sounds delightful

The hair comments would be the biggest issue for me. I mean I have NEVER heard a guy randomly admire someone's hair in the street so he obviously just doing this to make you feel bad, no other explanation.

Added to this the constant wanking comments and I would be getting rid
I'm sure he has some nice qualities, they always do or else women wouldn't stay with them despite their better judgement

The crude talk isn't going to change because that is who he is. What happens when you pull him up on it? Does he tell you you're being too sensitive and that you can't take a joke?

Commenting on how beautiful other women's hair are while you are self conscious about your own is a way of undermining your self confidence.

If you don't tell him that he has crossed a line then it will get worse and he will walk all over you.

I was saying how inappropriate it was and that I didn't realise how bad it was at the time because I was only a kid myself

I think his response to this, which is a serious discussion highlights his values. He also dodged giving his view. He didn't agree with you but instead diverted by referring to wanking. Do you know if he agrees that it's inappropriate to have a relationship with a school girl?

I realised I was hoodwinked by Ex by his ability to avoid answering and that meant I ended up assuming his values. In reality they were not a good match for me. I think this is the case here. The comments about hair are at best insensitive and at worse deliberately cruel to lower your self esteem.
.

I know complaining about it can lead to me being made to feel like I'm reacting in an insecure, jealous way about something that was way in the past.
But you wouldn't be jealous or insecure about a schoolboy not having a girlfriend and being so desperate that he resorted to looking at catalogue models or his teachers for excitement, would you?

If this really was a 99% lovely man telling this story I'd assume he was being self-deprecating and laughing about how desperate he was when he was in school. But from your further description he just sounds quite stupid, in which case I would be embarrassed to be with him.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I have read them all and have decided that my plan of action will be to call him out next time he makes any comments that I find crude, immature and offensive.

With regard to the hair comments, I'm going to question him next time he comments on a woman's hair. I'm not quite sure what I will say yet, I'll have to give it some thought. Maybe something along the lines of "you seem to comment on women's hair a lot, is there a reason for it?". Then maybe I could follow up by telling him that I'm really self conscious about my own thinning hair (which he is already aware of) and that I find it very insensitive for him to constantly be commenting on and pointing out other women's big beautiful manes!

I'm interested to see how he reacts when I ask him about these things. I think his reaction will tell speak volumes about whether or not he actually has an agenda or whether he is just stupid and insensitive.

Thank you to the poster who recommended the M&S product for hair thickening, I'll definitely give it a go.