Partner's crude immature comments

[JaffaCake70]

Hi

I'm just looking for opinions on the following, if you think I'm being uptight and over reacting please just say so.

I've been with my current partner for 7 months, he is 47 I'm 51. It's been a complete whirlwind romace, he is a wonderful man, kind, caring, loving, generous in every way, he looks after me very well and is 99% the man of my dreams.....

But there's that 1% that's just bugging me, you see he has this habit every now and again of saying things that I find insulting and disrespecful. Let me first say that this is a man who jokes around a lot and likes to 'banter' with me (and others) he gets away with a lot of the things he says to me by saying them in a 'jokey' manner.

It started with him telling me that when he hit puberty he used to w*nk (his word not mine) over the underwear pages in his Mother's mail order catalogue.. making comments about the pages sticking together etc.. I've had similar, button pushing, behaviour from a partner in the past so chose not to react to this silliness as I know complaining about it can lead to me being made to feel like I'm reacting in an insecure, jealous way about something that was way in the past.

He has made a few similar immature comments over the months and then today, we were talking about a girl I knew at school who had a relationship with a teacher, I was saying how inappropriate it was and that I didn't realise how bad it was at the time because I was only a kid myself. I thought we were having a serious conversation then he came out with 'I was always w*nking over one teacher or another when I was at school...

It made me feel a bit sick inside, I just don't see a productive reason for making this kind of comment. I often think men say these things to get a reaction from women, what do you think? Am I over reacting? Is this kind of talk acceptable in a relationship? Should I start telling him stories about who I w*nked over when I was a teenager?

Just as a foot note, another little thing that irritates me is that he knows I'm very sensitive about my (menopausal) thinning hair, but he constantly comments on other women's hair. In the street, on the tv, his daughter's friends.. constantly saying how gorgeous other women't hair is. I know I sound super sensitive, maybe I am, but I can't help wondering if he's doing it on purpose to make me feel even worse about my own thinning locks.

As I said at the start of my post, this man has been amazing in so many other ways, I don't want to break up or anything, I just would like your advice on how to deal with his crude talk and your opinions on why he behaves in this way..

TIA :-)

@youvegottenminuteslynn

This is who he is.

And who he is, is an immature idiot who best case scenario thinks it's clever and funny to talk about wanking in a really gross way and other women being attractive, worst case scenario is an arsehole trying to make you feel uncomfortable and / or insecure.

Do either of those scenarios sound attractive to you?

Your response to this is far from healthy and I think that unresolved trauma from your ex is clouding your judgement. You say you're trying not to react because you reacted when your ex pushed your buttons and tried to make you uncomfortable and he got satisfaction from that. You should be reacting - not by having big talks about why it's uncomfortable etc but by walking away!! Your boundaries are skewed because of your ex. The opposite of reacting isn't by default pretending you aren't bothered and not saying anything but staying together. The opposite of reacting and staying with someone is not reacting and LEAVING someone.

This man doesn't need to be psychoanalysed. He's a run of the mill, everyday wanker and this is his sense of humour, his level and his relationship behaviour. They aren't compatible with yours because you're nice, normal and decent.

Read up on lovebombing but also the shark cage relationship analogy.

Please don't stay with someone who is so cringeworthingly rubbish.

Well put!

Are you sure he's 47? Ask him when was the point he started growing up?

Oh and the type of men who think women not liking sleazy behaviour means they're jealous are always, always arseholes.

Not liking a man (for example) who has paid for sex, goes to strip clubs, leers at women, talks about their bodies all the time etc doesn't mean a woman is bothered by those things because she's jealous. It means she is bothered by those things because she knows they are disrespectful to women in general - to the other women involved as well as to her.

It's ok to have standards!

He is getting off on making you feel really uncomfortable and uneasy. I'm not sure why you say only 1% of the time it's a problem. For me that would be much much more than 1%.

I wouldn’t mind the wanking comments personally, but I can be quite crude myself. I think there is an issue if he has known you for 7 months and thinks you would find it funny when quite clearly it repulses you. So at the very least, there is a comparability issue here.

The hair thing I hope is tactless, because if deliberate it’s horrible. What’s your gut feel, OP?

Either way, 7 months in should be the honeymoon period - if you are bothered enough by his behaviours to post about him on here, I’d say that’s a sign you should get rid…..

Good luck!

You seem rather desperate to keep him despite his behaviour. Maybe you need to ask yourself why you want to stay with someone who has so little respect for you? Surely you deserve better, you need to learn to value yourself and not accept crap behaviour.

Definately a love bomber. Which means he is disordered. And now that disorder is peaking through. Listen to people when they tell you who they are so, so clearly.

He's poisonous.

The wanking comments wouldn't bother me too much, I work with predominately men and these kind of comments come up all the time, it's just childish and immature, the difference will be when you pull him up on them if he stops.

The hair comment would really bother me tho, that's a blatant attempt to put you down, he knows how you feel and still chooses to mention it in a way to make you feel bad. That's just simple lack of respect IMO

God, what a creep.
You sound like a nice decent lady, don't fall for any more of his insidious ways.

He’s playing on your insecurities OP. Have a word with him & see if anything else crops up. Personally, having been in an abusive relationship that in hindsight started as a love bombing/future faking one, I’d run a mile.

My husband occasionally used to say things I found crude. I looked him straight in the eye and reminded him he was speaking to his wife not his mates, he stopped doing it. The way he comments about other women's appearance though, I wouldnt like that at all. If feels like a way of undermining your confidence so you put up with behaviour you wouldn't normally.

He's testing your boundaries and seeing what he can get away with.

I know its not the point of this thread, but the WOW Hair Thickening Spray is bloody incredible. I got mine in the M&S beauty bag, and will definitely be buying it again. Its in a black and white bottle,and it makes an astonishing difference.

So, throw Wanky back in the sea, make your hair look lovely, and get on with the next one.

I'm the same age as you and I've never been in a relationship with a man who speaks to me like that. You're worth more than this. If you like him enough, tell him he needs to change his langauge around you. If he does, then at least he can hear you and regards your feelings. If not.... well that's a good indicator of what sort of man he is.

Can you say ' ugh- don't want to know' ?

If not, why not?

The wanking comments wouldn't bother me either. You guys have a good sex life which usually means being pretty open and frank and he's being open about his previous sexual activity. You sound like you don't like the word wank though? I don't know, perhaps have a chat with him but I think if you reversed this and it was a woman who was describing how she previously masturbated then that could be considered as an attempt to shame her, no?

I guess it does depend on the underlying context and intention, but those particular comments sound like they came up during relevant conversation rather than out if the blue with deliberate intent to make you uncomfortable?

Not sure about the hair thing, perhaps he is hoping you'll change hair in a certain way? A rather manipulative way to go about things and I doubt I would be impressed. I guess partners can have preferences over appearance and make comments on beards they don't like etc.

But bottom line is if he's making you feel uncomfortable then you need to let him know and how he reacts from that point will be telling.

What type of bloke goes around commenting on women's hair to their partner?;has he got a hair fetish or something?;it's bizarre;my DP has never commented to me that anyone has "nice hair".

However when your partner is sensitive about their hair and your now choosing to comment on how nice other women's hair is I don't see this as anything other than an attempt to wear said partner's confidence and self esteem down.

He doesn’t sound great
If you don’t like the wanking comments then I would respond with please don’t tell me about that, I’m not one of your guy friends

He needs to be much more respectful

Would you drink tea with 1% of it being poison?

He tells you he loves you then undermines your self esteem with the not very subtle hair comments. That's not love, it's manipulation

The thing is OP - you not liking his sense of humour / style of 'banter' etc is enough to split up with him.

My partner and I say cunt jokingly, we take the Mickey out of each other loads... some people wouldn't like those things. So they wouldn't be compatible with either of us and would be right to stop seeing us if dating.

Stop focusing on whether his behaviour is 'OK' and start focusing on whether it's OK with you. Because that's all that matters!

FWIW as I said upthread he sounds like an idiot who enjoys making women uncomfortable. And just an everyday, run of the mill wanker.

Surely your bar is higher than that! Google shark cage relationship analogy like I said, and see if it rings true.

Thank you funny little floozie for the the hair thickening spray from m & s - I need this.
But I wouldn’t need or want a tosser like this. You could deal with his comments about his teenage exploits quite easily - just tell him you’re not interested in them and they’re a complete turnoff. The hair comments are more problematic-I’ve never heard my DH say anything about other women’s hair. Why on earth would he do that especially if you’re coping (like me) with thinning hair?

In 18 years my partner has never once mentioned another woman's hair to me.

Numerous times in 7 months?! Either he has a fetish or he's negging you.

I strongly suspect the latter.

Also, my hairdresser has made a massive difference to how I view my fine hair. My cut is based on making it look thicker, he's the first hairdresser I've had that showed me how to dry my hair how I liked it and listened to what I said about my fine hair.

The hair thing is really concerning OP. You say he knows you are sensitive but the comments are 'constant'. What explanation is there for this other than complete disregard for your feelings or deliberate cruelty/attempt to undermine your confidence?