Partner's crude immature comments

[JaffaCake70]

Hi

I'm just looking for opinions on the following, if you think I'm being uptight and over reacting please just say so.

I've been with my current partner for 7 months, he is 47 I'm 51. It's been a complete whirlwind romace, he is a wonderful man, kind, caring, loving, generous in every way, he looks after me very well and is 99% the man of my dreams.....

But there's that 1% that's just bugging me, you see he has this habit every now and again of saying things that I find insulting and disrespecful. Let me first say that this is a man who jokes around a lot and likes to 'banter' with me (and others) he gets away with a lot of the things he says to me by saying them in a 'jokey' manner.

It started with him telling me that when he hit puberty he used to w*nk (his word not mine) over the underwear pages in his Mother's mail order catalogue.. making comments about the pages sticking together etc.. I've had similar, button pushing, behaviour from a partner in the past so chose not to react to this silliness as I know complaining about it can lead to me being made to feel like I'm reacting in an insecure, jealous way about something that was way in the past.

He has made a few similar immature comments over the months and then today, we were talking about a girl I knew at school who had a relationship with a teacher, I was saying how inappropriate it was and that I didn't realise how bad it was at the time because I was only a kid myself. I thought we were having a serious conversation then he came out with 'I was always w*nking over one teacher or another when I was at school...

It made me feel a bit sick inside, I just don't see a productive reason for making this kind of comment. I often think men say these things to get a reaction from women, what do you think? Am I over reacting? Is this kind of talk acceptable in a relationship? Should I start telling him stories about who I w*nked over when I was a teenager?

Just as a foot note, another little thing that irritates me is that he knows I'm very sensitive about my (menopausal) thinning hair, but he constantly comments on other women's hair. In the street, on the tv, his daughter's friends.. constantly saying how gorgeous other women't hair is. I know I sound super sensitive, maybe I am, but I can't help wondering if he's doing it on purpose to make me feel even worse about my own thinning locks.

As I said at the start of my post, this man has been amazing in so many other ways, I don't want to break up or anything, I just would like your advice on how to deal with his crude talk and your opinions on why he behaves in this way..

TIA :-)

So he's either a) cruel and deliberately hurting your feelings or b) stupid and insensitive.

Either way it doesn't seem like he's got much going for him.

I think his reaction will tell speak volumes about whether or not he actually has an agenda or whether he is just stupid and insensitive.

But OP you deserve better than either of those scenarios!

After only a few months dating the whole thing smells fishy. Are you sure he's a nice guy?

No don't tell him it makes you feel bad about your hair!

Next time he does it.

If it's about wanking just say something like. You're always bringing up wanking really randomly. I don't like it, it's not relevant to the conversation and it's just really odd. Can you stop doing it.

Commenting on other women. I mean. That's horrible.

I mean me being me I'd say. We're out together why are you giving me your opinions on how other women look? I don't really care what random women look like and it's getting on my nerves. I want you to stop doing it.

And see how he reacts.

If he says ok yes you're right what was I thinking and never does it again then... Well not sure tbh even then!

I suspect he will say

Men are visual, all men look at women
I don't fancy them I'm just saying
What's the problem are you jealous
Etc etc

Then he's horrible.

The answer is he's horrible I'm fairly sure.

Don't say it makes you feel bad or insecure.. Put it on him. What you're doing is weird. I don't get it. You could even throw in, none of my other boyfriends have behaved like this. You need to stop doing it as it's annoying.

I tend to agree with others tbh.

Romantic film style gifts and dates is not consistent with his other behaviour.

Next time you're looking for one who isn't flashy like that. But will buy you chips and boggle at you like you're the most amazing thing ever and he can't believe his luck.

Essentially a man who is kind and decent and nice and is genuine and you know he wants you.

I know I sound super sensitive

No you don't sound super sensitive (I'm guessing some arsehole has told you this in the past). You sound the opposite actually, like you have low self esteem and aren't being sensitive enough to your own needs and boundaries.

I wouldn't call him out on the hair thing because all that'll do will make him look to take a more softly softly approach for a bit before then trying to find another way to undermine you. Better to sit back and watch to see if he continues or ups it in some way. Then you'll know its deliberate and he thinks his agenda is working and you are falling for it.

But its absolutely worthwhile saying 'no' to him sometimes and seeing how he takes that.

Tbh though op there is no good reason a man would constantly talk about how amazing other womens hair is. He knows it's your insecurity and he is attempting to play on it.

You could test him by dropping another 'insecurity' and see if he starts trying to play on that. Eg: paleness. And then see if he points out other womens tans.

Don't tell him about your worries about your hair. We all have stuff we are self conscious about - what is he self conscious about? Does he have a belly or thinning hair or skinny legs or hairy or non hairy etc?

This...

Your initial description of him reads to me like you were idealising him, no one is 99% perfect. Now he’s slowly coming off the pedestal and the cracks are beginning to show. He wanted to be on that pedestal and you wanted the same for him, so it felt wonderful to both of you I’m sure.

How long you will stay and how many cracks need to appear before you bow out will depend on you.

I see the idealisation on your part as a bit unhealthy and you may need to work on how realistically you see people. There is a gullibility and naïveté in idealisation which is dangerous to your emotional well-being and might cause you to be more easily hurt.

I really hope you survive this situation without too much pain. Good luck.

@JaffaCake70

I can see by your last post that you'd rather carry on seeing this guy and try to judge by his reactions whether he is hurting you on purpose, or by accident.

I think you already know which it is, but you'd rather garner more evidence ?

OK. When did you tell him you were self conscious of your hair ?
How soon after did he suddenly start to 'mention' other womens hair ? ( I suspect he didn't do this at all until you told him tbh)

The next time he says ''I'd like steak for tea tonight'', you need to go and buy fish instead, and tell him ''I bought this because I fancied fish tonight'' He will probably respond in one of the following ways;

1. ''Oh, OK dear, that will be lovely. We can maybe have steak tomorrow instead ?''
2. ''I told you I wanted steak ! Go back and buy me a bloody steak !''
3. ''Oh, that's a bit disappointing..........I was going to do them on the BBQ, but I don't have the thing I'd need to do the fish on there.''
4. ''What the Hell are you playing at ?? I asked you to get steak and you can't even get that right, can you?? I'm going out !''
5. He says nothing, for hours, and he either pretends you're not even there, or gives you 'looks that could kill'.

1 and 3 would be perfectly reasonable responses.
2 , 4 and 5 would not be reasonable responses.

Answer yourself honestly, which of these responses could you see your P using ??

I think there are some men (NAMALT) who speak of sexual acts in as crude and coarse a way as possible.
I was in bed with a man (I liked him) who said to me, 'Go on, give us a gobble', and said, 'I thought you were a woman of the world' when I objected to his language.

Yep, a lot of men are gross or cringey. I wouldn't have one as gross as some of my exes again.

The hair thing is a different issue though and quite nasty.

He sounds horrible.

His wanking comments sound like he is trying to shock you. He sounds awful, op, and a real twat. Men who banter are often insecure and lacking in communication skills / emotional intelligence. His hair comments are unkind and belittling. He sounds like he could become manipulative and coercive. Be very careful, op.

I wonder why you felt the need to tell him your anxieties about your hair. Why did he need to know that?
Have you heard the phrase, "Gift wrapping the ammunition?"

@TheFormerChild He didn't need to be told about my thinning hair, it is plain to see that it has thinned a lot in recent years. Do you have anything constructive or helpful to add to this thread?

Have you pulled him up on his comments yet op? I really don't think you should just let it slide, as it will get worse.

Honestly OP he sounds absolutely horrible. A relationship, especially at this stage, should be great, not psychological warfare, at all. He is very bad news indeed.

I can safely say that in over 30 years of relationships I can not recall ever a comment about anyone's hair. He is doing this to hurt you and keep you off balance. You need to get rid of him, he will make your life a total misery if you don't.

Eurgh, I wouldn’t be happy about this either. You really don’t need to know who he has and hasn’t wanked over in the past, it’s disgusting to think of any man wanking really… Funny you mention the school teacher thing though, I did call my DH out on something similar once. I think we read an article about a teenage boy who had sex with his teacher and I was saying how awful it was only for DH to say ‘I think a lot of us would’ve loved to do this with Miss x at school’ . Anyway, his comments just aren’t necessary at all and the hair thing sounds as though he’s purposely targeting your insecurities which is abusive.

I agree its unlikely his comments on other women's hair are coincidental if yours is visibly not your best feature. This sort of behaviour is often a result of a man feeling insecure and trying to bring the woman down. I had this once with a man who, without being conceited, was considerably less attractive than me, to the point where people commented. He seemed lovely too, so that wasn't important to me. But he always made a point of commenting on other women who were different from me (brown hair where I am blonde etc, different body shape etc) and once told me that while a lot of men would find me attractive, I wasn't really his type! I can see it for what it was now, but at the time, it really dented my confidence and I'd not tolerate it again.

OK, yes, it's plain to see that it's thinning.
But you told him how you felt about it ~ "he knows I'm very sensitive about my (menopausal) thinning hair."
My hair's a bit sparse now: I'd rather it wasn't, but I wouldn't dream of mentioning this to a man.
The thing is that once you tell a man you don't like your hair/thighs/nose/whatever, you're inviting him to comment. You've opened a topic of conversation.
Try this: in your next burgeoning relationship do not say a single negative thing your hair/thighs/nose/whatever. Not one word.
See what happens. You're likely to be amazed.
Unprompted by you, how likely is it that a man, all by himself, would come out with, "Good Grief, your hair is thin!"
I hope you find this constructive and helpful.

I’m sorry OP, he sounds nasty and sounds like he’s testing to see how uncomfortable he can make you feel without you dumping him. Yuk.

The thing is that once you tell a man you don't like your hair/thighs/nose/whatever, you're inviting him to comment. You've opened a topic of conversation.

If you can't open your mouth for fear that your partner will jump on your insecurities, you're in the wrong relationship.

I don't recognise what you say about 'ammunition' but maybe that's because my partner isn't an arsehole - he's loving and supportive.

@RodiganReed

The thing is that once you tell a man you don't like your hair/thighs/nose/whatever, you're inviting him to comment. You've opened a topic of conversation.

If you can't open your mouth for fear that your partner will jump on your insecurities, you're in the wrong relationship.

I don't recognise what you say about 'ammunition' but maybe that's because my partner isn't an arsehole - he's loving and supportive.

Totally agree. Imagine living with someone that weaponises your insecurities like that, to the point where you don't feel you can mention anything in case they use it against you.