Should I just unmatch this guy or what?

[Sarz1991]

Hey everyone, so I posted on this thread already about this guy that messaged me first on tinder, and he seemed nice asking me a lot of questions, and then 2 days later he asked me out on a date, so we went for the date which consisted of a walk that was 3 hours long and then at the end he asked me did I want to get a tea or ice cream in the cafe, but it was closed, so we both walked over to my car, his was parked near mine, now bear in mind I made absolutely no attempt to try get a hug or kiss off him and I was actually backing away from him so it might have seemed that I was not interested, so we both said we had a nice time and he said he would message again, which he did that night, but he didn't ask me out on a second date, he said he had a nice time alright, he messaged me again the next day asking asking how I was, of I had any plans for the week etc, I was vague but did say that I was going for walks and meeting my friend, he still didn't ask me out, so that was Monday night , and I had thought was it but he messaged me again on Thursday evening, asking how I was and how my week was, I was a bit pissed off so I didn't text him again until yesterday evening and answered him and asked him how he was, he said work was manic and he was home late Tuesday and Wednesday night and he was wrecked (he is a manager of a couple of museums in out city) and he again asked if I had any plans so I said I didn't really just cleaning in the morning and and walk, BUT he still didn't ask me out on a date, we texted a bit after that, I was a bit short and didn't asked him anything but he still asks me things that he remembered I've said to him over the past 2 weeks, so sorry for the essay but my room mates are telling me he's not interested, he is just stringing me along, he should have asked for my number already etc or is it just that he wants me to ask him for a second date because he did it first or am I just being hopeful and just need to unmatcg him on tinder so he doesn't keep wrecking my head? Just for the clarification the date did go quite well, he did laugh a lot at funny things I said, he did seem quite nervous but I probably looked at him more than he did, but he make eye contact a handful of times, he didn't pay much compliments only that I'm fit out because I told him I do a lot of walking

I'm still confused if you want to date this guy or not. Are you this passive in all aspects of life or just dating?

@coronaway

I'm still confused if you want to date this guy or not. Are you this passive in all aspects of life or just dating?

Oh I absolutely do! But he did ignore my apology about rushing out of the car even if he did follow up with What are your plans for the week? I mean that did irk me of course, I would have ratcheted that he acknowledged it at least! So I am after replying to him saying that I have no plans this week, do you? I don't think I should initiate it this time because I did last night, if he's interested he surely will! BTW I really am not trying to sound passive, I possibly just don't want to come across as desperate that's all, because I do like him.

That should say rather!

@Peach01

That's good, he knows you're free. Lets see what his move is please update what happens next. You're quite right. I wouldn't either. If you were to keep asking you wouldn't know if he was going to.

So he replied with this "Think I could be back late tomorrow again but other than that I want to catch up on my running is all! Think the weather is to change". This was after I said I didn't have any plans, do you? Unfortunately I don't think that's a great reply, I am disappointed but I will just reply with something basic because I actually think he has gone off me!

@Sarz1991

OK thanks for that answer, but my roommates who have been on a lot of dates ( I haven't, not long out of a 8 year relationship) keep telling me that if a guy doesn't ask you out on a second date right away or if he doesn't ask you for your number right away then he's not interested!! So yeah I would like to ask him out for lunch but it's just a case of that I'm not sure he's not too interested

Not really op, I had guys on a dating app ask for my number very quickly, this was to speed up getting laid. It all depends on the person etc.

That would've been an opportunity for him to ask. If you get the feeling he's not interested then just send a pleasant response. You never know, sometimes they resurrect themselves.
If you do want to see him you could say if he's free at any point to let you know if he fancies doing something and leave it at that. I don't think that would be too forward. If he doesn't arrange to meet, write it off. It's whatever you feel comfortable with and depends how much you want to see him and if it's all worth the second guessing.

You're totally overanalysing every word this guy says - that's nuts! It makes you appear very insecure.

So what if he didn't acknowledge your apology about dashing out the car..? It's not a huge deal and he probably doesn't think it needs dissecting. And yet his lack of response to that "irks" you!

And all this nonsense about him having to initiate the next date..?! Why? Can you not see that he is interested by the fact that he continues to message you?

Dating shouldn't be this much hard work. Please try to relax about it. Just be yourself and stop second guessing every interaction.

Full stops are useful.

@PinotPony thanks for your detailed reply. Yes I probably am overanalysing- I never really dated before, I am only 2 months out of a 8 and a half year relationship which was my first proper relationship, so I just am struggling to read people, particularly when I have people telling me one thing and then someone else saying another thing! So it ended with him saying "I was just going to go myself too. Night!" After I said "Yes the weather is to change some bit, I am going having an early night, night!🌙". So I do think the rightful move next is just to wait for him to message me first because I really won't know if he is interested otherwise. Thanks for again though for your insight.

Wow, this all sounds a bit nuts 😬

Honestly, just do and say what you feel. You don't need to analyse every word. It comes across that your not really interested in him to be honest.

Are you sure you are ready to date after just coming out of an almost 9 year relationship?

With it being a decade since you last dated, things have changed, expectations have changed and men aren't expected to take charge anymore really.

I never really dated before, I am only 2 months out of a 8 and a half year relationship
Thats perfectly understandable. It's new territory and it's hard to read people you don't know. Some people are more reserved, some are forward and some feed any old bulls**t to anyone that'll listen. Don't beat yourself up for every move you make. Dating can be awkward, especially if it's not with the right person. We've all been there. You can only do what feels right at the time.

wait for him to message me first because I really won't know if he is interested otherwise.
That's fine to do, you asked him on the date, you followed up today with contacting him. That's sufficient. You're right, you wouldn't know if he was responding out of politeness or how much he wanted to meet again. Balls in his court.

Good for you getting back out there after a long relationship.

OP I mean this in all kindness but you are playing silly games and mucking about frankly.

I'll repeat what I said earlier, state your needs, ask him his, have a dialogue about what you would like/could see from each other.

This "I asked him out so it's his turn next" is really really daft and is only going to end with you unhappy and resentful because you are playing a game with secret rules. Or worst case scenario it somehow becomes the basis for your relationship "I did X for him so that means he owes me Y" It's a breeding ground for resentment.

Just text him and say I quite like/fancy you and I'd like to go out with you again but I'm not sure how you feel about me or something to that effect.

Right now you are blowing hot and cold on him and he probably doesn't know what's behind the mixed signals, which is probably adding to his nervousness/reluctance.

Sweetie I say this with love......

next time you see him sit on his face and suck his dick. Get the arsing about (no pun intended!) out of the way and just bloody shag him! Try before you buy!

Ok so I am (half) joking, but I you do need to stop over thinking and listening to people who have read "The Rules" and go with your gut.

"Thank you for your support- So it went well, we got a bite to eat even though I wasn't that hungry, he made it clear that it was whatever I wanted to do that mattered like get another glass of wine if I wanted to, when we would finish up and leave at the restaurant; I would say will we go for a quick stroll now and he would say yeah if you want to now, and he paid for it all without a second thought, the conversation was flowing, he would initiate conversation and I would too, but he does still seem to be nervous which I have to admit does put me off a little but I definitely do fancy him because he is good looking, he also did a lot of laughing at funny things too, however he didn't really pay much compliments, neither did I then, so he picked me up at 8 after I asked him to which he had no problem with and after our little stroll we headed off back to where I'm living at 11:30, now this was where it got a bit awkward, I have to sayI wouldn't have minded him kissing me but boy was I nervous about it and I suppose again I didn't make it clear I wanted him to, so after faffing about in my bag with my keys , I kind of just said we might do this again and he said I'll be talking to you anyway and that was it really! He might have wanted to kiss me but I was way too nervous to know if he did, I do think he's into but I'm not sure when he's not paying me compliments and he didn't ask for my phone number, we are still messaging through tinder, what do you think? It was almost 12 by the time he dropped me and it would have been after by the time he got home, it takes him 45 mins or more, I forgot to say on the way back from our stroll he did ask if I had any plans next weekend which I said I didn't really, so I suppose that's a good sign?"

Is your real name molly Bloom???!!!

Are you deranged he asked you on the first one and made effort to message you after because he clearly liked you and from what you've told us you were distant and rude, you should be asking him he's showed his interest. Honestly how old are your friends they have given you totally outdated advice

Also I'm 6 months out of a 6 year relationship and even I know manners

I wouldn’t ask you either; you sound like your throwing your toys out of the pram and if your deliberately being short with him and/or not replying.. that attitude shows through and no one wants a stroppy mare in a relationships let alone one that hasn’t even blossomed yet.

Yeah, this is all a bit mad to me. Honestly, I’d probably unmatch him because I’d be mortified about how I’ve came across. If I was talking to a guy and he was acting like you, I’d have totally lost interest by now and be moving on to other dates.

Dating is supposed to be fun and relaxed. When people start being on/off and “backing away” from you in person, other than making you feel like shit about your self, it fucks with your head. It’s not worth the energy spent trying to figure out if they like you or they don’t.

So, long and short of it is if

A) you like him, you ask him out, stop talking to your roommates for advice which is from the 60s and start acting like a normal person who is open to things developing
B) you don’t like him, either unmatch or politely explain that you had a lovely time on x but you have realised that you aren’t ready for dating and wish him all the best

If you continue how you are you’re not only going to push him away and nothing will come or it, you’ll also come across as a total asshole.

I’d be willing to bet, if you haven’t already burnt your bridges, if you start being more enthusiastic, stop analysing messages and leaving hours between replies, he’ll be much more forthcoming. You get out what you put in.

Op is not acting like a stroppy mare wtf??? Being nervous is totally normal when dating, for both of you. Sounds like you both have the jitters and not sure about each other’s next steps and that’s not such a bad thing. Don’t let it put you off. If you fancy him, tell him how much you really enjoyed the date and see what you both come up with for next time you get together.

Ignore your idiot roommates

Some people are more assertive than others. If you want to go out with him ask him out. If he wants to go he’ll say yes - or if he can’t make it he’ll offer another date he can. If he doesn’t he’ll say no or some vague brush off.

Just ask him! - but only if you are really interested, don’t mess him about.

@midsummabreak

Op is not acting like a stroppy mare wtf??? Being nervous is totally normal when dating, for both of you. Sounds like you both have the jitters and not sure about each other’s next steps and that’s not such a bad thing. Don’t let it put you off. If you fancy him, tell him how much you really enjoyed the date and see what you both come up with for next time you get together.

Well she had the hump with him twice before the second date because of some perceived slights over time to respond and then after the second date she was “irked” because he didn’t respond to some apology about rushing out of the car, which sounds like a non event anyway.

You really need to chill me stop over thinking every word the poor guy says! Ignore your mates, they're full of shit and making you worse.

OK so the latest update for myself is that I do fancy but obviously I'm not still whether he is totally suited to me personality wise, but I am willing to give a third date a shot. However as I've stated above I felt his last few messages on Sunday night were more flat than usual, maybe because of my panic moment of fumbling with my keys and rushing out of the car turned him off me, or there could also be the possibility that maybe he didn't fancy me as much as the first date - but I don't think it is the latter even though I wouldn't be 100% sure either. So I said night first Sunday night and in fairness he did too even though I felt is messages were slightly colder than usual- before that he did say he would be working late Monday - and I haven't heard fron him yet. So basically what I'm trying to say is I need your most honest advice because I don't want to let him slip away if it turns out that it is my unintentional coldness that is turning him off me. So what is my next step- I think I should wait a few days just to if he is interested because in my opinion if he's interested he should contact me or what should I do, i just really appreciate your excellent valuable advice on here?

My most honest advice? You shouldn't be dating at all.

You're starting to sound like you have nothing else to do with your time other than fixate over your next steps with this chap. You've repeatedly been told on here to just relax, be yourself and see how things evolve and yet you're still over analysing the "tone" of his messages and the significance of who said goodnight first. It sounds exhausting and, quite frankly, unhealthy.

I think you'd do better to take a step back from dating and find some interests or hobbies to fill your time. Then, when you do meet someone you like, you might not completely obsess over their every word.

@PinotPony
Thanks I really needed that lovely message. But yeah maybe your right, maybe it is starting to get a bit unhealthy as that's what I've been thinking, so I've been just not on dating apps as much these past few days. But just to be clear I have plenty of interests, I work full time and I also like to exercise, so unless I stated it here already stop jumping to assumptions and trying to make out I'm an obsessive person because I am not. I just said I would update as to how I'm feeling right now about this guy, because I think I blew it because I'm so not used to dating, and as ye have to I have given him the wrong messages. So yeah i am taking a step back but please do not jump to assumptions as it can be quite hurtful, thanks again!