Would you ever marry again?

[notoriousramblings]

Having been married for twelve years and lived through a coercive , emotionally vacant relationship , sexually coercive and lonely life ?
My current partner of a year , divorced five years ago, would. He sees it romantically as the obvious ultimate act of love and partnership and also a financially sensible
Decision .
I'm not so sure . Romantically I could see myself growing old with him . Financially I'm more independent . He has lost his home to his ex wife through bankruptcy despite trying everything to avoid it but is a high earner ( now) and good with money. My inheritance will be given to my children before I die in the form of a hefty deposit for their first home and also their education . I want to protect them and me financially . Amy thought? Hardly romantic but I've been fucked over enough to know the realities in the ground . Love him but not enough to put my children in a position to lose
Out financially .

I know of someone who gave their DC a large chunk of cash, similar to what you're thinking, for a deposit and they lost it...was scammed out of it by an (ex)partner.

You need to think of care needs, not bank on giving or receiving inheritances.

I wouldn’t marry again if I were to ever divorce. The reasons are purely financial to protect my children’s future.

Absolutely not unless they were financially secure themselves. Been with DH since we were 18 and we've worked hard to provide our DC with the best, wouldn't risk another man taking it away.

Nope. My money and my house is mine. Unless he was significantly richer than me - then I’d marry him! 😂

OP, I get what you're saying, you want the full commitment of marriage - and so do I.

the problem is, a lot (not all, but a substantial amount) of divorced men of a certain age feel, rightly or wrongly, that they didn't get the financial settlement they were entitled to in the divorce and are therefore looking for a solvent woman to take care of them in their retirement.

And the blaming of his ex wife for his bankrupcy is odd. She can't insist that he goes bankrupt thats his decision. I suspect he did that to try to avoid giving her a financial settlement - which gives you some insight into his true character.

The old "nurse with a purse" saying really is a thing!

I would never marry again. Marriage is female domestic slavery and a legalised form of whoredom.

@BrilliantBetty

No. The CONS far outweigh the PROs in your situation.

If he wants a wedding celebration why not have a humanist (non legal) wedding and call yourselves husband / wife. No-one else's business. Change your name by deed poll if you want to. Do all the other bits, just not the legal marriage!

I love this! @BrilliantBetty I am looking into this very scenario right now.

After a year together- no way. That is heart of head and still honeymoon phase.

I got divorced when I was 31 after 5 years of marriage.

Now live with my partner in a house I own on my own (mortgaged obvs) and my teenage kids. We’ve been together 7 years now and he’s amazing and we’re very happy but there’s no way I’d marry him.

As women I think financial independence makes us so much more powerful and I value it immensely and would never compromise it.

I guess I could stretch to a hand fasting ceremony or something at a push, but really neither of us have any desire to do anything like that.

If my partner was a millionaire I might feel differently I guess, but he’s very much not!

OP I know you’re all loved up now, but a year of dating is fuck all and you don’t really know each other properly after such a short time.

I think getting married to him would be a really silly thing to do.

No never, but not because of financial implications. I married once, later than normal for a first marriage I guess. Bit f, I never wanted to get married, I knew I didn't want to and I didn't like being married at all.
I just hated being referred to as someone's wife.
So no I would never get married again. In all honesty I'm not sure I'll ever have another relationship and the thought of living with someone again feels me with dread too so I'm probably not the best example of a balanced audience ha ha.

No

@notoriousramblings

I do think I'm Objective . When I was going through the prep for divorce he showed me his paperwork to give me an idea of the process so I've seen the lot

She admitted to being on the make did she? Of taking him for a ride? In her own witness statement? That he showed you?

Honestly. Just think how strange he is to show you that even if its genuine and even if she wrote any such thing of herself in financial matters of course she didn't.

I'm quite sure I've seen this same account before. Have you written about this here before?

Yes, he's still dodgy. No, don't marry him.

I was engaged to someone I was very much in love with (less well off than me) who started by agreeing that we should get a prenup to keep our assets separate, then wanted half the house over a period of time, then wanted a million pounds, immediately on our marriage. Said if we broke up I wouldn't lose my house, I could just remortgage it and then pay it back when (if) my father died and I inherited.

So: nope, marriage is not on the cards for me.

Nope, would never be financially tied to another person again, would probably never want to live with another woman again TBH.

The stark legal reality is that marriage protects the person in the weaker financial position.

The emotional, romantic, public declaration ceremony side of things involves different factors from the legal aspects.

So logically:

• if you are the richer one don't marry
• if you are the poorer one then do

And the blaming of his ex wife for his bankrupcy is odd. She can't insist that he goes bankrupt thats his decision. I suspect he did that to try to avoid giving her a financial settlement - which gives you some insight into his true character

Yes, it's weird, isn't it? I don't see how it would be in the wife's interests to "force" him into bankruptcy. Smells like bullshit.

No. I'm financially independent and have a mortgage free house. All of that is for my DC. I won't risk someone getting hold of it.

No, marriage is really just a financial contract. I won’t marry again to ensure that my children inherit all my assets. Also, I couldn’t go through the financial and emotional trauma of a divorce. My partner too would love to get married, he sees it as making a formal commitment to each other, I really don’t see it that way and don’t want nor need the commitment.

I'm really interested in your replies because I am in a similar situation.

I was married for nearly 20 years and did pretty well from the divorce (in that it was a fair split of assets). I have a great co-parenting relationship with ex-h. Now in relationship for 3 years. He has already been married twice and has children from a long-term, non-marriage relationship.

We both have kids, eldest late 20s, youngest 15. The statement a PP made about university loans is interesting and relevant.

He is the far wealthier one. He's over 10 years older and in a job that pays very well. He owns houses & many assets - cars, boats, holiday homes, etc. On paper looks great BUT he can be crap with money. There have been times I have had to lend him cash and he is mortgaged to the nines. I don't consider his financial position to be commensurate with his age/job, but he has had 2 divorces and has a big family.

Conversely, I own my home outright, don't make much £££ but have a stable job and can provide well for my kids in the form of education, nice things, etc.

We are now watching all our friends get married and at the very least, buying houses together. This has made us consider our position. We want to grow old together but it doesn't seem to make sense to blend our assets.

First, when one of his toys breaks, he can spend as much as he likes £££ fixing it. He likes to buy expensive things. I benefit from using them, but I'm sure if we pooled money, I would be resentful of the % he doesn't save/spend on other things.

Second, I love having my house to escape to. One of his kids kept breaking lockdown by visiting him from a different city. It was great to just leave them to it and stay at mine. It gave me space to air my morals against his.

Thirdly, I love it that when there is a problem with one of his properties, it can be "his problem" and not mine, particularly - although I do support him in his ventures and creativity.

My friends who rushed into selling everything and buying a home together (even with the legal weightings to cover their DCs' inheritances) don't seem as happy: either their kids don't like sharing space with their partners, or they feel tied into the relationship in a particular way. The problem, though, is that one of us is constantly living out of a bag at one of the places of the other! It can be unsettling. I don't like investing too much effort or energy into the homes when his, and he likes inviting people to use, say, his holiday homes, whereas I am more private and have had to learn to not leave my personal things there. We have had to work around our differing boundaries.

My belief is that something happens when you are a divorced woman. That act of divorcing teaches you to be tough, or you develop a sort of resilience. I have learnt how to be financially solvent, and it's up to me to protect that. I would lose this if I were to remarry.

No I would never marry again. There's nothing to gain from it and a lot to loose. I am divorced with grown up kids, I own my own home paying mortgage

I love having my own space, the bed to myself and the freedom to choose what I want to do and when. However I'm single and would like to meet someone one day but not live with them.

No for similar reasons to other posters.

My marriage ended over 3 years ago as the result of an affair on his side. It almost broke me and I am only just feeling in a position to start divorce proceedings.

Been with my current do for 2 years and although eh is moving closer to me soon so that we can see more of each other, moving in isn;t on the cards for me and he knows this. This is my home and my dc's home and I want them to feel that way as long as they are here.

He also isn't great with money and although he earns over double what I do, I am careful and in an ok position financially so I am not risking that. I also love my independence and feel claustrophobic if we are together for too long without a break. Never did in my marriage but I think it's quite different with someone who isn't the father of your children and when you h become used to your own space.

So in answer to your question, no. If I won't move in with anyone then I won't be marrying them!

I agree you can’t force someone to go bankrupt .
So I’m not sure how his ex wife managed to do that

And going bankrupt isn’t really that bad - not like it was years ago . If your relatively smart and know exactly how it works it can actually be a positive thing to do financially .

if they had a joint mortgage and it was repossessed with a shortfall
If he went bankrupt they couldn’t touch him for any money that was owed as a shortfall - but they could go for his ex wife for the whole amount unless she went bankrupt as well

No, I wouldn't.

We may get married at a much later stage for inheritance tax purposes but as we are in a committed, equal assets position I can't really see the point. Both fifties, no chance of more children. Wills are sorted to ensure my daughter gets my assets, pensions, life insurance if I die first. Both have lifetime interest in house owned 50/50. She will have more than enough if she has to wait for the house.

However, that doesn't stop friends constantly asking when to expect the wedding! Have never really enjoyed attending weddings so won't be putting on a show if we do it. Quick trip to the registry office.