Would you ever marry again?

[notoriousramblings]

Having been married for twelve years and lived through a coercive , emotionally vacant relationship , sexually coercive and lonely life ?
My current partner of a year , divorced five years ago, would. He sees it romantically as the obvious ultimate act of love and partnership and also a financially sensible
Decision .
I'm not so sure . Romantically I could see myself growing old with him . Financially I'm more independent . He has lost his home to his ex wife through bankruptcy despite trying everything to avoid it but is a high earner ( now) and good with money. My inheritance will be given to my children before I die in the form of a hefty deposit for their first home and also their education . I want to protect them and me financially . Amy thought? Hardly romantic but I've been fucked over enough to know the realities in the ground . Love him but not enough to put my children in a position to lose
Out financially .

Under no circumstances would I be with a man who decided to jack his job just because I retired

But it would be too late then if you'd sold up your house and married him - you'd be financially entangled and joint owners. .

Yes that's prudent advice . I can see a future but of
Course it's early days . I suppose
I'm Just thinking of the future as it came
Up in conversation .
I dont have any inheritance to
Expect . I am Wholly independent . As he is presently, but he will have substantial inheritance in the future .

I have no problem being joint owners or entangled as long as my children were protected amd
Their living Inheritance was protected

@notoriousramblings sorry, I've just read your latest update about bankruptcy. Our situation was much less complicated but one of us came into the marriage with very little and the other with an awful lot. Hence the trust for kids and protecting their inheritance.

As he is presently, but he will have substantial inheritance in the future

Maybe. Unless his relatives decide to leave the money elsewhere or it gets eaten up in care fees or they gamble it all on the ponies. I don't think anyone should ever count on an inheritance.

No.
I’d never get legally and financially shackled ever again.

What @litterbird said. Never again because I'm the main breadwinner and do everything in between too.

I wouldn't. I prefer being independent and refuse to give that up.

Youve only been together a year. I'd wait at least 5 to marry again.

Was married. Found getting unmarried very painful and traumatic.

Been with current partner 4/5 years. No plans to get married. I started saying categorically not no absolutely never. And now i say i don't think so, but never say never. Which i am sure is a sign of my trauma healing. He adores me, and i him, we are utterly committed. And being in our forties and with several kids each we just feel no pressure whatsoever. And no expectations from society or peers.

Nope never. I am financially secure and will never risk rhar.

Of course marrying makes financial sense to him - he's effectively a homeless bankrupt and you're a cashed up and well housed divorcee with a good pension.

It would be interesting to hear his reaction to you telling him you'll marry him only after you give away all of your house, cash and (lie) that you can also transfer your private pension to the kids pension funds too.

I would go quids in that he suddenly won't see marriage as making so much financial "sense" anymore.

Google "a nurse with a purse". He has a pension, his pension is YOU.

he's been bankrupt .. you've known him a year.. he has romantic idea about marriage with someone who is solvent and financially savvy. Don't marry him.. whatever you do. red flags on this one i'd say.... of course he thinks its a romantic idea and ultimate act of love. And you were not born yesterday .. were you?

No. The CONS far outweigh the PROs in your situation.

If he wants a wedding celebration why not have a humanist (non legal) wedding and call yourselves husband / wife. No-one else's business. Change your name by deed poll if you want to. Do all the other bits, just not the legal marriage!

No. I would never trust anyone enough to do so.

I understand the cynicism . I am cynical
Myself . However if it
Were to be a runner, whilst protecting
My children's future , it
May be something
I would consider otherwise a flat no. Genuinely, I'm
Not a fool.

I've been very honest already and said I'll never compromise my children's
Education or inheritance for
Anyone , through marriage or
Not . He totally gets that. Just wondering
If there's a way to do
It legally

Thing is OP, it’s really really easy to get caught up in a nice bit of romance after a year and god knows at the moment many of us could do with some after the last 16 months but I do think give it 3 years and see how you feel— he may well not be after your cash/security especially if he’s a high earner but it might and I say ‘might’ be in the back of his mind. I think in your position you might be best to just slow it down a bit and if you decide to go ahead— as you say— protect your children first.

Nope

For context, as the undertones suggest otherwise , my partner worked three jobs to fund their lifestyle and bills. He is not a sponger or am easy way out man . He tried everything to convince her not to push for bankruptcy amd works
Like a dog

For context, as the undertones suggest otherwise , my partner worked three jobs to fund their lifestyle and bills. He is not a sponger or am easy way out man . He tried everything to convince her not to push for bankruptcy amd works Like a dog

But where are you getting this information about what happened from? You say you are not a fool, so you should be able to step back objectively and consider the source.

I do think I'm
Objective . When I was going through the prep for divorce he showed me his paperwork to give me an idea of the process so I've seen the lot

@notoriousramblings

I'm Really not a fool and I won't compromise my children . I'm Just wondering if there's a way to enjoy marriage and protect My Children's living inheritance

Are family trusts an option where you are? My DM created a family trust with DB and myself and the last house was sold then money put into the trust and new house purchased by the trust. The way it's set up means she lives in it but when she dies it is still owned by the trust and DH and my SIL have no claim over any inheritance. Again the way it is set up mean it is passed to our DC. It was done before either of our partners were on the scene so not malicious in any way and we're open about it all.

You've seen what he wants you to see and had his side of the story.

He might be exactly as he claims to be, but it's too early to know.

You're a juicy catch. Be careful.

Nope.. I will happily have a relationship, but I will will never leave myself in such a vulnerable position again.