My fault DH had affair because of my low sex drive

[LanesdownGutted]

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has had 3 affairs over the past year or so and has said its because of my low sex drive. Simply put he told me I might not want sex anymore but he certainly does.

Since we met 11 years ago, I’ve always had a very low sex drive, but always had sex when he wanted it. No I don’t initiate it, but because he’s so highly sexed he would be like a dog on heat and weekly I’d “give in”. I want to make it very clear I have been the same the entire duration of our relationship (actually my entire life) – he met and married me with my low drive.

Over the years and after 2 children my willingness to “lie back and think of England” has diminished. I work and manage the house and family life, I take the entire strain of the mental workload of managing everything as well. He can't do anything without being asked. He can't heat up his dinner without asking how long for. I've never once just been made a cup of tea out of the blue - he always asks if I want one. He might empty the dishwasher occasionally but that is literally all he does. I ask him to help more around the house over the years and he says to me that if I “put out more” in bed he’d help more around the house so we got into a vicious cycle.

Every day for 11 years he’ll make some sexual comment or innuendo or suggest “cuddle” … every single day and for someone with a low drive, its been exhausting. I try to be intimate, not particularly hard you’ll say, and I’d still lie back and think of England fortnightly or so!

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days … how stupid of me, no, he was getting it elsewhere. We’ve never been sexually compatible and I said to him in our early days this might be a problem, I wish he’d have ended our relationship before the affairs. Or told me our situation was about to drive him to an affair what was I going to do about it.

I take my share of the blame for his affairs, but the devastation hurts a lot. His outright lies over a year, his wooing other women whilst sitting next to me cuts deep.

Should I try and make this work because it was partly my fault? Or is it never going to work because of our sexual incompatibility?

It's not partly your fault at all, if he was struggling with your sex drive Vs his he needed to speak to you about it or leave because he wasn't happy not just think he has a license to cheat because of it

Set yourself free. Live your life the way that feels best for you.

Do you even want to make it work? It sounds like you could do much better.

Seems like neither of you were getting your needs met in the marriage so I can’t really imagine why either of you would want to continue tbh. He sounds like an arse

It's not going to work.

Tbh he doesnt sound like a prize in general, this relationship should have ended long before any affairs. It sounds as if you would have an easier life without him.

Trying won't work. A mismatch in sex drives like that is unfair on each other. Doesn't mean it gives a green light to cheat though.

It’s not even partly your fault
Don’t live like this anymore

Should you make it work? By continuing to be his servant, have sex you don't want, knowing he'll go elsewhere? No, you shouldn't. He sounds like an arsehole.

If he wanted to leave, he should have left. However, he wanted lots of sex plus a house elf. Remove his house elf.

@AryaStarkWolf

It's not partly your fault at all, if he was struggling with your sex drive Vs his he needed to speak to you about it or leave because he wasn't happy not just think he has a license to cheat because of it

Agree this is not your fault, but equally you don't sound very compatible in general, and you feeling you have to 'put out' more to change the status quo is a/grim as hell and b/only going to build even more resentment.

I think you should have a really good think about what you want for yourself and your future, with the help of counselling if possible, before making any decisions.

FWIW it is entirely possible to start again with kidd...they are very resilient and you deserve better than staying with someone who doesn't make you happy.

It isn't going to work, you're fundamentally incompatible. He shouldn't have married you, but he did and was OK with the low frequency until you stopped completely. It isn't either of your faults, but obviously he should not have had an affair.

If sex isn't important to you, why do you mind that he has it with someone else?

Fortnightly sex would never be enough for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't find me sexually attractive.

Neither of you are in the wrong here, but it was pretty shortsigthed on both your parts to marry someone who was so different in their sex drive.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. This is also the story of my life. And also, it’s all my fault.

When the fuck will men learn that being a nagging sex pest WILL NOT get them laid. Innuendos and being hassled is the opposite of a turn on.

And that actually women might be more up for sex if they were less physically and mentally exhausted from carrying the mental load of all household running.

A man that contributes to the running of the house, cooks and cleans, and pulls his weight = more likely to have a partner willing and eager to have sex with them.

Neither of you are in the wrong here

Of course he is. He should have left not cheated.

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days

So, you would be happy not to have sex again with him? Ever? never? maybe?

I ask because if you don't want to have sex you may as well let him have sex with other people. If you think you may one day want sex would you want it with him? After he has cheated will you one day want to have sex with him? If ever you did want sex and its not with him there is little point staying. If you'll never want it, it won't make any difference if you're with him or anyone else.

How old are DC? is it worth having an open marriage just until you can make a new life comfortably without him? Would you be ok on your own financially?

I don't think you should blame yourself, he really should have been honest with you. There are no excuses for lies, even if he has reasons to have sex with other people.

@InkieNecro

It isn't going to work, you're fundamentally incompatible. He shouldn't have married you, but he did and was OK with the low frequency until you stopped completely. It isn't either of your faults, but obviously he should not have had an affair.

If sex isn't important to you, why do you mind that he has it with someone else?

If he'd have had a one night stand I probably would have been able to forgive. but he was wining and dining these women, dating them and lying to me constantly for a year. That's the bit I'm struggling with.

It’s not your fault AT ALL. It’s been 11 years of low sex drive and clearly being mismatched. That’s plenty of time to realise he needs more sex than you, and it’s on HIM to say “I’m sorry, I need more” and to leave before getting involved elsewhere.
I’m sorry op there is no excuse for him to go off with other and to lie and cheat to cover his own backside.

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days

So you didn't have sex once in a year? That's pretty much zero libido.
You both need to make a decision here.

You either need to up your sex drive to more than once a year or he lowers his to once a year.

He should have told you he had had enough and not cheated on you. But its very sad that its "happy days" that you didn't want to sleep with him for a year.

To get anywhere near regular sex via one-night stands he'd have had to have sex with half your town, OP. He was already putting your sexual health at risk with the ones he wined and dined.

But when it comes down to it, he should have left, as you say yourself, or just been more realistic/honest about who he married in the first place.

It's not your fault he had an affair. He's an adult & responsible for his actions. This was a totally shit thing to do.

However on the broader note, the marriage sounded dysfunctional from the off. Sexual compatibility is important. The amount of sex is down to the couple & what they are happy with.

It sounds like you were never compatible, and I wonder why you both continued the relationship, into marriage, and having DC.

He sounds horrible. But you also sound like you never had much of an opinion of him.

Time for a new, honest start.

Your marriage has been doomed from the start, and mostly because your husband is an arsehole. Get rid of him. You will be so much happier.

There’s nothing to fight for and he’ll leave permanently when he finds someone he wants to be with full time if you try and keep things together.

It’s dead. Has been for years. The resentment pours from your post and he obviously feels the same. You can’t or won’t communicate properly between you and it was really daft to get married when you both knew how different you were.

Accept it’s over, file for divorce and try to coparent as amicably as you can.

He doesn't sound exactly charming, and the laziness would also be a huge turn-off. I would bet he's pretty crap in bed too? But you say you "always had sex when he wanted it" - but he wanted it daily, and you did it once a week? It sounds like in fact you were both compromising from the start?

but he was wining and dining these women, dating them and lying to me constantly for a year. That's the bit I'm struggling with

Thats shit, I would feel the same especially if I was playing cinderella whilst Prince charming was romancing randoms. However if he was buying you dinner and taking you out, if he made more effort at home too would you want sex with him? I agree with the person who says sex pests don't get laid, and that exhausted women house elves don't want sex. But, if the cause of not wanting sex with your husband is a low drive and you were prepared to feel happy when the expectation was entirely removed then wining and dining would make no difference to your willingness to have sex.

This is where some people are just not compatible. Men who previously tried being supportive or offering non sexual intimacy in the hope of getting laid, eventually withdraw all emotional non sexual intimacy (and any romantic intentions and actions) due to resentment. Men who take us for granted don't get laid......and on it goes until it doesn't. I've noticed that if I want lots of care, support and practical work out of DH then I do have to meet his need for physical intimacy. I don't judge him lacking in anything just because he is simple in his expectations. I often feel exhausted, but I'm just as likely to feel equally exhausted if I don't 'managed the positive relationship I require to support my goals. Yep, so you manage husbands mood, time, activity, attitude, willingness and behaviour on top of managing the kids, house, work,.....When I eventually retire it will be as a hermit since I shall be long past wanting to manage a relationship with a man let alone wanting sex, if I didn't want sex I would be a hermit already!

So, does your DH add anything to your life that makes it easier, happier, more meaningful? because if he doesn't you may as well drop him on his head for what good he is to you.

You deserve to be happy, and to feel safe with those you trust as your nearest and dearest. No one could blame you if you never felt able to trust him again.