My fault DH had affair because of my low sex drive

[LanesdownGutted]

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has had 3 affairs over the past year or so and has said its because of my low sex drive. Simply put he told me I might not want sex anymore but he certainly does.

Since we met 11 years ago, I’ve always had a very low sex drive, but always had sex when he wanted it. No I don’t initiate it, but because he’s so highly sexed he would be like a dog on heat and weekly I’d “give in”. I want to make it very clear I have been the same the entire duration of our relationship (actually my entire life) – he met and married me with my low drive.

Over the years and after 2 children my willingness to “lie back and think of England” has diminished. I work and manage the house and family life, I take the entire strain of the mental workload of managing everything as well. He can't do anything without being asked. He can't heat up his dinner without asking how long for. I've never once just been made a cup of tea out of the blue - he always asks if I want one. He might empty the dishwasher occasionally but that is literally all he does. I ask him to help more around the house over the years and he says to me that if I “put out more” in bed he’d help more around the house so we got into a vicious cycle.

Every day for 11 years he’ll make some sexual comment or innuendo or suggest “cuddle” … every single day and for someone with a low drive, its been exhausting. I try to be intimate, not particularly hard you’ll say, and I’d still lie back and think of England fortnightly or so!

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days … how stupid of me, no, he was getting it elsewhere. We’ve never been sexually compatible and I said to him in our early days this might be a problem, I wish he’d have ended our relationship before the affairs. Or told me our situation was about to drive him to an affair what was I going to do about it.

I take my share of the blame for his affairs, but the devastation hurts a lot. His outright lies over a year, his wooing other women whilst sitting next to me cuts deep.

Should I try and make this work because it was partly my fault? Or is it never going to work because of our sexual incompatibility?

@Confusedandshaken

It's not your fault. DH and I haven't had sex for years largely because he has a low sex drive. I miss sex but I don't screw around or have affairs. That would hurt him and I love him and like too much for that. I also have too much self respect to cheat. I take care of my urges privately.

This isn't just about sex for your DP though. Men can also masturbate or find women to have ONS with but he's looking for more than that. If he is wining and dining them he's also looking for excitement and/or companionship which he isn't finding with you.

And what about you? What are you looking for? To carry on being a housemaid and cook to a man you don't like? You are worth more than that.

Wow @Confusedandshaken, your opening paragraph is a breath of fresh air thank you for sharing your view from the other side.

@StamfordHill

So what exactly bothers you? Did you want him to not have sex with anyone except yourself, but also not with you?

@StamfordHill I never stopped having sex with him, it wasn't often and I never initiated but I never stopped entirely. The stopping of sex, by him, only occurred once the affairs had started.

You despise him and don’t find him sexually attractive , has that always been the case? The marriage is over and it probably both your faults. Why did you marry him in the first place, was it just to have children?

@StamfordHill

So what exactly bothers you? Did you want him to not have sex with anyone except yourself, but also not with you?

I imagine what bothers the Op is the disrespect shown by not communicating with her and opting to sleep around.

He could have talked to her about how he was feeling and they could have made a joint decision whether to split up or work on it.

He's a coward.

Doesn’t your husband have two hands? He could deal with this himself while considering changing his ways and undergoing couples counseling Cheating on you shows he has no respect for you. You are not a fault here; he refused to reasonably discuss intimate issues like an adult.

You're incompatible and he's a man child who could have broken up decently but instead putting you through the trauma of an affair. Not. Your. Fault.

until 6 months ago it wasn't sexless, it wasn't as much as he would like but it was regular. It become entirely sexless once he'd started the affairs.

Did he tell you outright about the cheating or did you find out and then he come clean?

I must say I find opinions on MN particularly black and white about infidelity and I actually have some sympathy with cheaters some of the time. Some times the relationship is totally dead and an exit affair is a mistake made by many people in that situation, but I think its different to having a decent relationship at home and having no intention of leaving and just being a serial philanderer.

The language you use about laying back and thinking of England and never initiating it, just doing it because he wanted it etc is soul crushing for someone to feel. I'd feel like total shit if there wasn't enthusiastic consent and would chose not to bother in future.

I'm sorry you are so hurt OP. I hope you feel better and can move on.

@AnneLovesGilbert

There’s nothing to fight for and he’ll leave permanently when he finds someone he wants to be with full time if you try and keep things together.

It’s dead. Has been for years. The resentment pours from your post and he obviously feels the same. You can’t or won’t communicate properly between you and it was really daft to get married when you both knew how different you were.

Accept it’s over, file for divorce and try to coparent as amicably as you can.

I agree with this. The fault for cheating is his in its entirety but that said, neither of you should have married the other, you're completely incompatible and that's on both of you. Bringing children into an obviously unhappy match wasn't fair to them either.

There is nothing left to do but divorce and be the best parents you can, separately from each other.

You marriage is finished.
One could argue it never really started.

He is a lazy sod. You have incompatible sex drives and cant communicate.

And he has cheated. Pandora’s box is now open and he will just cheat again and again. this may sound harsh but sex with an enthusiastic partner is a million times better than sex with someone going through the motions so even if you did have sex it was almost certainly crap for both of you and thats probably a big a part of his decision to cheat as the lack of it.

Divorce is the best option for both of you

Not even remotely your fault.

It’s like being hit and saying ‘but you provoked me’.

There are masses of problems in relationships. Him being a dog on heat isn’t very attractive at all. Did you go looking for someone sexier and kinder who actually gave you affection and not just treated you like a sex thing? No you didn’t.

The language you use about laying back and thinking of England and never initiating it, just doing it because he wanted it etc is soul crushing for someone to feel. I'd feel like total shit if there wasn't enthusiastic consent and would chose not to bother in future.

Yep, absolutely. I know your marriage hasn't been sexless but it does sound like he hit a point where he wanted to have sex with someone who actually wanted to have sex with him.

I don't think there's any coming back from this. His deceit has been too great, he has broken his vows and he probably doesn't want to have sex with you ever again, tbh. And you certainly don't.

What's left of the marriage when both intimacy and mutual respect is gone?

To be honest, even many women with a normal sex drive would have gone off having sex with him, once he left them to do all the domestic stuff and child labour as well as their own paid work. That level of selfish entitlement is deeply unattractive.

@DriedIris

When the fuck will men learn that being a nagging sex pest WILL NOT get them laid. Innuendos and being hassled is the opposite of a turn on.

And that actually women might be more up for sex if they were less physically and mentally exhausted from carrying the mental load of all household running.

A man that contributes to the running of the house, cooks and cleans, and pulls his weight = more likely to have a partner willing and eager to have sex with them.

1000%

He sounds horrible. Instead of trying to find something that aroused you both, try ways to enjoy things, spend time with you, make you feel special and attractive, he blames his lack of help at home on you not having sex with him. There's nothing less attractive than that. Sex isn't a commodity.

Your question about whether you should try to make this work is baffling - make what work? You don't have a meaningful relationship with your husband - there's no intimacy between you, he doesn't support you or act as helpful teammate, he's cheated on you multiple times - what's the point in even bothering with each other?

Had he been honest with you then both of you could have made an informed decision about your relationship.

But no, he chose not only to sleep with other women but to enter into romantic relationships too, with all that wining and dining. That has to hurt like hell.

So now you are both left with the recriminations and blame game, which won't be at all pleasant.

Is there any chance you can sit him down and discuss it without either of you insisting on allocating fault and blame. Like "Yes, we just aren't compatible, how can we sort this out without hurting each other or the kids?"

Sounds like he's done you a massive favour, you can now walk away from your shitty marriage whilst maintaining the moral high ground as he's the one that's had the affairs.

Your dh is selfish in the extreme.

He really is a lazy, unsupportive, inconsiderate, sex pest.
Why would anyone want sex with him.
In your place I would not do another thing for him.

OP I feel sure with a good man you may even want more sex. Women usually have to connect emotionally to have sex. You're too good for your dh.

You've been treated poorly and no it's not remotely your fault. An inherent incompatibility is unfortunate but having affairs is a shitty way to deal with it.

I was in a similar marriage and I think it's so horrendous so many women have to lie back and think of england. I did, it drove me to the brink of alcoholism - I had to have a few drinks to tolerate it. We ended up divorcing, fortunately before anything like an affair had happened.

Incidentally... I thought I had a low sex drive but after a bit of online flirting I realised I was just bored rigid at the way it had been and it was like I'd woken up.

Subsequently when I was subsequently online dating in the real world I used to sleep with men on the first date - or make it clear I wasn't looking for a relationship because I've come to realise that sexual chemistry is a far bigger part of a relationship (for me at least) than I ever thought.

When the sex was amazing the rapport was naturally there and I'd see the guys again. If it was shit it would be friends only, however fascinating and lovely they were on paper. Intimacy is a different game to affection.

And having sex quickly means you don't feel inhibited asking for EVERYTHING you want sexually or refusing point blank to doing X or Y because you're not expecting to see them again! So you're setting off on the right foot instead of knowing them quite well and worrying about being judged for wanting X or Y... I'm Still with one of my flings 6 years on and the sex is still great I just wish a bit like you I'd considered my compatibiliity with my XH at the outset.

Sorry that was long Mainly wanted to say I understand and there's a fulfilling life out there in the future - including a sex life with someone amazing, IF that's what you want. It's now about what YOU want.

You sound very incompatible. I know you said you had regular sex with him but treating it like an unpleasant chore you had to grit your teeth and get done must have been soul destroying for him. My dh would be really upset if he only had sex on that basis. You’re both better off without each other unless you came to an arrangement. But if you do, it’s possible he could fall in love with someone with whom he enjoys physical intimacy. If you did separate and you wanted a relationship, there are men to whom sex is unimportant. That may suit you better rather than bring on edge all the time about being approached for sex.

Lovely, it sounds like you get absolutely nothing from this marriage. You should never “have to lie back and think of England”. My DH would absolutely rather not have sex with me than think I was just being used as a plastic doll.
It sounds like you would have more respite being single.
The affairs are on him, nothing to do with you.

Him cheating on you is not your fault. If he's not happy with the relationship, he needs to talk to you about it and the two of you need to decide whether to make it work or to split up.

Do you both work FT? He should be doing half the chores and childcare... regardless of how much sex he is or isn't getting! He needs to pull his weight with chores because he's an adult who lives in the house. End of.

@LanesdownGutted

Don't blame yourself.If he wasn't happy with your relationship and the lack of sex he could have suggested couples counselling to work through it together or simply have ended the relationship because your not suited to each other.

He chose to cheat.His fault and his fault ONLY.

Sounds like neither of you were getting what you needed, no blame for this. He shouldn't have had an affair (or 3) but on the other hand he shouldn't have to live with no sex either. An amicable split or live knowing he has a mistress are the options, I know women who have opted for the latter and are happy but personally I couldn't.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Fortnightly sex would never be enough for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't find me sexually attractive.

Neither of you are in the wrong here, but it was pretty shortsigthed on both your parts to marry someone who was so different in their sex drive.

Neither of them are in the wrong? Are you on glue?

Of course he's in the wrong.

He married her knowing she had a lower sex drive, upon doing so he commited to be faithful.

He's a cheating wanker.