My fault DH had affair because of my low sex drive

[LanesdownGutted]

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has had 3 affairs over the past year or so and has said its because of my low sex drive. Simply put he told me I might not want sex anymore but he certainly does.

Since we met 11 years ago, I’ve always had a very low sex drive, but always had sex when he wanted it. No I don’t initiate it, but because he’s so highly sexed he would be like a dog on heat and weekly I’d “give in”. I want to make it very clear I have been the same the entire duration of our relationship (actually my entire life) – he met and married me with my low drive.

Over the years and after 2 children my willingness to “lie back and think of England” has diminished. I work and manage the house and family life, I take the entire strain of the mental workload of managing everything as well. He can't do anything without being asked. He can't heat up his dinner without asking how long for. I've never once just been made a cup of tea out of the blue - he always asks if I want one. He might empty the dishwasher occasionally but that is literally all he does. I ask him to help more around the house over the years and he says to me that if I “put out more” in bed he’d help more around the house so we got into a vicious cycle.

Every day for 11 years he’ll make some sexual comment or innuendo or suggest “cuddle” … every single day and for someone with a low drive, its been exhausting. I try to be intimate, not particularly hard you’ll say, and I’d still lie back and think of England fortnightly or so!

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days … how stupid of me, no, he was getting it elsewhere. We’ve never been sexually compatible and I said to him in our early days this might be a problem, I wish he’d have ended our relationship before the affairs. Or told me our situation was about to drive him to an affair what was I going to do about it.

I take my share of the blame for his affairs, but the devastation hurts a lot. His outright lies over a year, his wooing other women whilst sitting next to me cuts deep.

Should I try and make this work because it was partly my fault? Or is it never going to work because of our sexual incompatibility?

I can see both sides of this. I don't condone his affairs but I have been the one in a relationship that is made to feel like a sex pest. In the end, always being the one to initiate, constant rejection and lack of closeness that sex brings utterly destroys your self esteem. Even if you don't consider your marriage to have been a sexless one, it probably felt that way to him if you never showed any interest in him sexually for years.

Best thing to do would be separate at this point like you have said. He has clearly checked out entirely anyway, and multiple affairs is way too much to even consider another go at things.
I don't think that you should blame yourself at all though, you were already having some horrific sounding maintenance sex, I'm not sure what more you could have done. Sounds like he could have been doing plenty more.

It's really, really not easy to be in a relationship when you feel like attraction and desire only goes one way, and in order to feel like you are attractive you have to split up your family. It's a hard situation to be in, with no very good choices to make. He took the worst if the bad choices he had.
Hopefully tou find someone who is better matched to your needs, and you to his.

My sex drive for that lazy wanker would be non existant. Sack him off op

I am sorry you haven't found the support from fellow Mumsnetters; this is, usually, such a supportive forum for women in a relationship crisis.

You admit that you probably shouldn't have married him but he shouldn't have married you either. At the point at which he knew he had reached a crisis point he should have talked to you.

I have had two friends in similar positions. Friend A had a suspicion her DH was cheating and confronted him. She admitted that she didn't find him sexually attractive anymore and that if he wanted to sleep with other women, he had her blessing, She felt she couldn't ask him to remain celibate. In return she asked him to stay until their DC reached 18, if he was tempted to leave. Their DC are now grown and I don't know how many affairs he has had but it's close to double figures but they are still together.

Friend B's husband discussed their dwindling sex life with her. They had a brilliant relationship / companionship otherwise. She didn't know if her desire would return, she was menopausal, but told DH that if he wanted to look elsewhere he would have to leave as she didn't want the humiliation of a cheating husband. They are still together too.

If you saw this crisis looming I guess you know what you want to do and I wish you luck and every happiness. 💐

I actually don't think there is equal blame here at all. Ignoring the sex he is a poor partner all around. He is manipulative and controlling. This alone is enough to think of moving on. I would always suggest communication but it is doubtful he has the capacity to hear you

@Tryinghardfornothing89

I can see both sides of this. I don't condone his affairs but I have been the one in a relationship that is made to feel like a sex pest. In the end, always being the one to initiate, constant rejection and lack of closeness that sex brings utterly destroys your self esteem. Even if you don't consider your marriage to have been a sexless one, it probably felt that way to him if you never showed any interest in him sexually for years.

Best thing to do would be separate at this point like you have said. He has clearly checked out entirely anyway, and multiple affairs is way too much to even consider another go at things.
I don't think that you should blame yourself at all though, you were already having some horrific sounding maintenance sex, I'm not sure what more you could have done. Sounds like he could have been doing plenty more.

It's really, really not easy to be in a relationship when you feel like attraction and desire only goes one way, and in order to feel like you are attractive you have to split up your family. It's a hard situation to be in, with no very good choices to make. He took the worst if the bad choices he had.
Hopefully tou find someone who is better matched to your needs, and you to his.

But @Tryinghardfornothing89, did you then use the lack of sex/not enough sex to check out if the Relationship and look elsewhere? Or did you have a look at your relationship, decide this was not what you wanted and told your then partner?

I don’t think anyone is denying the fact that not having enough sex is a good enough reason to leave.
What I would argue is that, if you are unhappy by something in the relationship and it’s a deal breaker for you, then YOU should take the lead and separate. Not tell your oartner it’s their fault, they should have separated long ago because it was obviously too hard for you etc....

because atm it’s exactly what some posters are saying.

I am finding the last from the OP heartbreaking in that way.

Because she now thinks it’s all her fault and responsibility. Even though they BOTH decided to get married knowing fully well about their different libido.
But somehow it’s her fault to not have managed to satisfy her DH.

We are back to the 1950s where the role of women was to ensure their Dh was sexually satisfied.
But men dint have to be respectful enough to leave a relationship that isn’t satisfying for them.

@DriedIris

When the fuck will men learn that being a nagging sex pest WILL NOT get them laid. Innuendos and being hassled is the opposite of a turn on.

And that actually women might be more up for sex if they were less physically and mentally exhausted from carrying the mental load of all household running.

A man that contributes to the running of the house, cooks and cleans, and pulls his weight = more likely to have a partner willing and eager to have sex with them.

Oh dear I do all of those thinks plus pay all the bills and not even once a fortnight, or even once a year so far this year! But I can’t leave my kids so what’s the option?

@LanesdownGutted

I hope some of you are not giving more vulnerable people advice without reading their posts properly.

All those that said we hadn’t had sex for 6 months / a year, no wonder he went elsewhere – that’s because he was having his affairs during this 6-12 month dry spell for ME (not him). Up until his affairs he WAS NOT in a sexless marriage, he did not go without for years on end, I had a low sex drive, not NO drive. When he stopped sleeping with me I genuinely assumed it was because he was older and his drive had lowered to match mine, I simply thought we were finally on an even keel, that was all. My mistake.

Reading all of your messages, not only am I probably entirely responsible but I should never have married him in the first place. I have to live with the guilt of ending his happy life set up, take his home away and his full time father role, because I made the dreadful mistake of marrying someone I loved but who had a higher sex drive than myself.

We both knew this at the outset of our relationship and compromised because we wanted to be together. Clearly comprising on sex is the one thing you can never ever do – I thought we could and its ended very badly.

Regardless of our unusual set up, we and the DC have had a pretty happy home for 11 years. Even with the laziness (me in bed and him in the home), we were doing ok.

My DH has clearly just come to the end of his tether about the boring and slow sex life and chose to go elsewhere. If he had told me his tolerance to our set up had run out and it was a now a dealbreaker, I’d have set him free and no betrayal had to take place.

We share equal blame for our marriage ending. I see now we're beyond broken for many reasons. I won’t be looking to fix anything.

@LanesdownGutted I’m sorry that some posters were being unhelpful. In the meantime, equally there have had been others who were trying to be supportive.

You need to live a fruitful life that will make you and your children happy and content and if that means that you need to walk away from your marriage, then so be it. You might have been happy once but clearly you aren’t now and that’s not your fault. If he was that unhappy he should have said something, he has no excuse for his affairs. If he really thought that you were both sexually incompatible, those conversations should have been had earlier on. You are not a mind reader, it’s not your fault that you assumed he was content with how things were going. Clearly he wasn’t and instead of telling you so you can make your choice whether to leave or find a solution together, instead he chose to have those affairs and didn’t give you a chance to make your own choice of what to do with your life so you’re not to blame for that either. So now you get to decide what you want to do with your life and you can take ownership of that.

An affair isn't about sex.

It's about lying.

Men who cheat say it's about sex.

Their wives know, it's the lies that hurt most.

How the hell is it your fault he lied to you? X

It's not your fault.

@Mountaingoatling

An affair isn't about sex.

It's about lying.

Men who cheat say it's about sex.

Their wives know, it's the lies that hurt most.

How the hell is it your fault he lied to you? X

It's not your fault.

1000% this! It’s the lies, and the sneaking around. Then you find out about it (usually when he’s caught out and has no choice) and you question everything else they’ve ever said to you.

@LanesdownGutted, it's not about the sex!
please please don't let this liar beat you down, or your own mind beat you down.
the sex is a red herring that he is using to break your heart and spirit further.
please know in your heart and soul. he's being emotionally abusive to you by going after a weak spot in your heart and mind.
he's not being genuine and sincere.

Its NOT your fault. He could have raised the sex issue wirh you asking/thinking about what he could do to get you more interested but he didnt. Instead he decided to cheat and lie to you that is HIS fault.

From what you’ve said I dont blame you for not being keen on sex with him. It doesnt sound like he has been very interested in your needs at all.

Please before you listen to some of the less informed posts on here 🙄, read up on the psychology of infidelity, I’d start with ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it will stop you blaming yourself! You did not bring any of this on yourself. This was not inevitable. You are not destroying your family or his perfect unit.

He cheated repeatedly on a woman who did not deserve it. He put your mental, emotional, physical and sexual health at risk. He stole your personal agency. None of this is on you!

Him cheating is not your fault, his decision was to cheat rather than speak to you like an adult.

You did yourself a disservice to 'lie back and think of England'

Fortnightly is very infrequent. No sex for six months and got didn’t suspect anything is also a bit odd. As PP said you sound incompatible. To many people sex IS very important. The higher sex drive partner, man or woman, has an age old threefold choice in these situations:

• have an affair
• leave and divorce then find a more compatible partner
• put up with it and be miserable

It’s not your fault as such as nobody should ever be expected to have sex when they don’t want to. But what happens in this situation is almost always entirely predictable then

@Guavaf1sh ONCE WEEKLY is the average, forthrightly is NOT very infrequent.

@Guavaf1sh, once a week might not be enough for you (or the ‘average’’ person ) but it might be perfect for others. Or even too much.

No way you can just say ‘it’s not enough’ and make a judgment call wo talking to the people involved.
As usual, it’s only an issue if it’s an issue for one or both people involved
Eg when one partner travels a lot for work, they are unlikely to have sex every week. Does it mean those are always unhappy, frustrating and cheating?

But more importantly, cheating should never be an acceptable answer to the situation. Discuss, leave, put up with it, accept it, yes. Cheating is the answer of a coward imo.