My fault DH had affair because of my low sex drive

[LanesdownGutted]

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has had 3 affairs over the past year or so and has said its because of my low sex drive. Simply put he told me I might not want sex anymore but he certainly does.

Since we met 11 years ago, I’ve always had a very low sex drive, but always had sex when he wanted it. No I don’t initiate it, but because he’s so highly sexed he would be like a dog on heat and weekly I’d “give in”. I want to make it very clear I have been the same the entire duration of our relationship (actually my entire life) – he met and married me with my low drive.

Over the years and after 2 children my willingness to “lie back and think of England” has diminished. I work and manage the house and family life, I take the entire strain of the mental workload of managing everything as well. He can't do anything without being asked. He can't heat up his dinner without asking how long for. I've never once just been made a cup of tea out of the blue - he always asks if I want one. He might empty the dishwasher occasionally but that is literally all he does. I ask him to help more around the house over the years and he says to me that if I “put out more” in bed he’d help more around the house so we got into a vicious cycle.

Every day for 11 years he’ll make some sexual comment or innuendo or suggest “cuddle” … every single day and for someone with a low drive, its been exhausting. I try to be intimate, not particularly hard you’ll say, and I’d still lie back and think of England fortnightly or so!

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days … how stupid of me, no, he was getting it elsewhere. We’ve never been sexually compatible and I said to him in our early days this might be a problem, I wish he’d have ended our relationship before the affairs. Or told me our situation was about to drive him to an affair what was I going to do about it.

I take my share of the blame for his affairs, but the devastation hurts a lot. His outright lies over a year, his wooing other women whilst sitting next to me cuts deep.

Should I try and make this work because it was partly my fault? Or is it never going to work because of our sexual incompatibility?

The idea of someone doing fuck all in the family home then trying to bargain chores for sex make me so angry.

He’s not unreasonable to want a sexual relationship, but he is unreasonable for pestering you for sex on a daily basis, trying to manipulate you into having sex by suggesting he would do more chores if you did, and going behind your back with other women. If he was unhappy with the dynamic of your relationship he should’ve ended it, not strung you along. Do yourself a favour and move on from this man, it sounds like you would be much better off without him.

Hangingover but in this odd relationship that is all she wanted him for , someone to help with the kids and housework. She neither likes him or fancies him. He had the mistaken belief that there could be a trade off. There couldn’t be. She didn’t have the courage to end it presumably because she wanted his help with the kids and housework even if he was no good at that either and he didn’t have the courage to end maybe because of laziness or low self esteem.

Just get divorced

Neither of you are happy together, even when you’re having sex the rest of the relationship is shit.

You could both be happier elsewhere. I really don’t see the point of trying to make it work when that entails you essentially having sex against your will with a man that has repeatedly cheated on you. He simultaneously has his cake and is eating it.

It honestly sounds like you’re both just married for the sake of the title

I probably have a more fulfilling relationship with my postman

You are both unhappy

You have a lazy ass husband who doesn’t express appreciation for as a person, or your housekeeping and administration work - and he has a wife who never initiates sex, lies back and thinks of England when she does have it, and thinks once a fortnight is enough.

I suspect you may both have been a bit at fault, but no one is to blame overall. You are incompatible and most people would be pretty miserable in either of you shoes.

I think the best thing to do is move to separation and work on being friends for your kids sake.

@DriedIris

When the fuck will men learn that being a nagging sex pest WILL NOT get them laid. Innuendos and being hassled is the opposite of a turn on.

And that actually women might be more up for sex if they were less physically and mentally exhausted from carrying the mental load of all household running.

A man that contributes to the running of the house, cooks and cleans, and pulls his weight = more likely to have a partner willing and eager to have sex with them.

That’s not always the case.

I do EVERYTHING at home but I still want to have sex with my husband.

If you want an open marriage then fine but I get the impression that you don't. So the choice is to stay, knowing he will have more affairs or go your separate ways. As you have kids you both have to agree on the care and funds for them. In my view I would prefer to go on with a single life but only you can decide what you want to do

@TIVI

She doesn't want him, and nobody else is allowed him, to sum up.

@LanesdownGutted
I am sorry you are in this place. The marriage you are describing was bad for both of you.
You - had to put yourself through having sex just so your H ‘gets some’.
And he had sex with someone who wasn’t really into it, into him for years.
Soul crushing for both.

However - on other levels you worked as a family. So - why not keep the bits that work and get rid of the bits that don’t?
You can have a sexless open marriage. You - won’t need to force yourself. And he can have intimacy with someone who finds him attractive. (Of course - I’d also insist he did more around the house)

I don’t think marriage always has to be about sexual relationship. It is also for companionship and child-rearing and for the stability of the long term. Many marriages historically, and still now are sexless. As long as you don’t insist on claiming ownership of his sexuality - that you don’t really want anyway - your marriage can provide you everything else you need from a relationship.

In addition - and being pragmatic - if you do divorce you might not end up any better off. Most men you’d meet would want to have sex just as well and you’ll end up in the same place with a new man.

He should have had the balls to separate with you before he slept around.

He is entitled to want sex as often as he does and you are as entitled to say no. It doesn't really sound like you like him much though? It's a good opportunity to separate and for you both to have freedom.

@gamerchick

It's not going to work.

Tbh he doesnt sound like a prize in general, this relationship should have ended long before any affairs. It sounds as if you would have an easier life without him.

Trying won't work. A mismatch in sex drives like that is unfair on each other. Doesn't mean it gives a green light to cheat though.

This in a nutshell. Hopefully it might even give you a push that you cannot live like this. It looks like there is already a lot of resentment building up and it won’t be a nice environment in which to raise kids.

I could be off the mark here but I think you’re in shock. I remember talking to people in those early weeks after my husbands affair came out almost convincing myself I didn’t really love him, he was not a great husband etc etc I think I was just trying to find my way through the rollercoaster of emotions I had.

There are many people who now believe infidelity to be a type of abuse and I recognise that. It’s certainly something we as a society should be talking about more instead of this idea that a victim of it, brought it on themselves by not being a hottie in the bedroom, not being attentive enough or as I read in another thread being a dreadful uncaring husband (no evidence to support this 🙄) It is putting a person who trusts and loves you at risk. It destroys their mental, emotional, physical and often sexual health. It always comes from a place of selfishness and entitlement and the way you describe your marriage it sounds as though this is the case with your husband.

Do I think you’re responsible for this? Absolutely not! Your husband had many options before he callously found sex with three different women. Please don’t accept any blame for his affair.

Moving forward I think you do need to unpick your feelings about this marriage. You do need to decide if the marriage makes YOU happy? Particularly now this has happened.

But right now, you’re in the beginning stages of a dreadful healing journey. Please do self care first, and if you haven’t get checked for STDs. It’ll take you a while to see through the pain that is finding out that the one you loved did this to you!

This is going to sound harsh but I can't understand why you married each other.

Divorce him, he's entitled to want sex with enthusiastic consent and you're entitled to not want sex at all but the two are not compatible.

If the OP had a high sex drive and her DH had an affair would it still be the OPs fault?

Are you asking this Q because you are considering staying with this man whilst he spends family time and money schmoozing and having sex with multiple other women whilst you stay home washing his pants and doing all the grunt work so he can be on sparkling form for his numerous affairs?

It’s enough to divorce for the way he disrespects you domestically.

Add on his affairs.

Your sex drive doesn’t justify his affairs or his lazy behaviour - it just means you are not compatible sexually and never were. No one is right or wrong in that - you are just different with different needs. No blame on levels of sex drive but plenty on affairs and unequal domestic chores.

OP - what do you want?
As I see it, you have 3 options

• stay and agree to him having affairs (he'll have them anyway)
• stay and grit your teeth whilst he has sex with you
• leave and move on with your life

I know which one I'd go for.

There are never any excuses for cheating, it’s disrespectful, you leave, so don’t ever put the blame on yourself. He just wanted his cake and to eat it too

He wasn't getting any cake from the Op.

You say you hadn't had sex for 6-12 months. It's hardly surprising that he found it elsewhere. People who have a healthy libido don't tend to want to live a celibate existence. This was always bound to happen.

I hope some of you are not giving more vulnerable people advice without reading their posts properly.

All those that said we hadn’t had sex for 6 months / a year, no wonder he went elsewhere – that’s because he was having his affairs during this 6-12 month dry spell for ME (not him). Up until his affairs he WAS NOT in a sexless marriage, he did not go without for years on end, I had a low sex drive, not NO drive. When he stopped sleeping with me I genuinely assumed it was because he was older and his drive had lowered to match mine, I simply thought we were finally on an even keel, that was all. My mistake.

Reading all of your messages, not only am I probably entirely responsible but I should never have married him in the first place. I have to live with the guilt of ending his happy life set up, take his home away and his full time father role, because I made the dreadful mistake of marrying someone I loved but who had a higher sex drive than myself.

We both knew this at the outset of our relationship and compromised because we wanted to be together. Clearly comprising on sex is the one thing you can never ever do – I thought we could and its ended very badly.

Regardless of our unusual set up, we and the DC have had a pretty happy home for 11 years. Even with the laziness (me in bed and him in the home), we were doing ok.

My DH has clearly just come to the end of his tether about the boring and slow sex life and chose to go elsewhere. If he had told me his tolerance to our set up had run out and it was a now a dealbreaker, I’d have set him free and no betrayal had to take place.

We share equal blame for our marriage ending. I see now we're beyond broken for many reasons. I won’t be looking to fix anything.

I hope you find happiness and peace Lanes. No one deserves to be cheated on. Its not your fault at all.

Op, I’m sorry for the harsh words, no one one here knows you, we are just going on what you have said. You don’t have to feel guilty. In hindsight it was never going to work. Now you know you can move on, There is nothing to feel guilty about. There is no reason why you both can’t still be good parents separately.

Ugh, he’s a misogynistic entitled pig. So he thinks cleaning is your job, and if you have sex with him, he’ll reward you by washing his own dirty pants? Vile pig. And that also implies he sees sex as something that is purely for him, I bet he’s never considered your pleasure and further than lip service, or made sure you’re enjoying it. It’s all about you servicing him. I’ve got a fairly high sex drive and he’d kill it dead.

@Bluedeblue

There are never any excuses for cheating, it’s disrespectful, you leave, so don’t ever put the blame on yourself. He just wanted his cake and to eat it too

He wasn't getting any cake from the Op.

You say you hadn't had sex for 6-12 months. It's hardly surprising that he found it elsewhere. People who have a healthy libido don't tend to want to live a celibate existence. This was always bound to happen.

🙄 try reading the original post again as you’ve clearly not understood the chain of events.

That's a good point. I do 80% of the housework. Life admin, all the cooking, all the school runs and it doesn't ever stop me wanting to shag my wife.