My fault DH had affair because of my low sex drive

[LanesdownGutted]

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has had 3 affairs over the past year or so and has said its because of my low sex drive. Simply put he told me I might not want sex anymore but he certainly does.

Since we met 11 years ago, I’ve always had a very low sex drive, but always had sex when he wanted it. No I don’t initiate it, but because he’s so highly sexed he would be like a dog on heat and weekly I’d “give in”. I want to make it very clear I have been the same the entire duration of our relationship (actually my entire life) – he met and married me with my low drive.

Over the years and after 2 children my willingness to “lie back and think of England” has diminished. I work and manage the house and family life, I take the entire strain of the mental workload of managing everything as well. He can't do anything without being asked. He can't heat up his dinner without asking how long for. I've never once just been made a cup of tea out of the blue - he always asks if I want one. He might empty the dishwasher occasionally but that is literally all he does. I ask him to help more around the house over the years and he says to me that if I “put out more” in bed he’d help more around the house so we got into a vicious cycle.

Every day for 11 years he’ll make some sexual comment or innuendo or suggest “cuddle” … every single day and for someone with a low drive, its been exhausting. I try to be intimate, not particularly hard you’ll say, and I’d still lie back and think of England fortnightly or so!

About 6 months or a year ago he stopped having sex with me, but stupidly I thought it was an age thing, maybe his drive was lowering to mine, happy days … how stupid of me, no, he was getting it elsewhere. We’ve never been sexually compatible and I said to him in our early days this might be a problem, I wish he’d have ended our relationship before the affairs. Or told me our situation was about to drive him to an affair what was I going to do about it.

I take my share of the blame for his affairs, but the devastation hurts a lot. His outright lies over a year, his wooing other women whilst sitting next to me cuts deep.

Should I try and make this work because it was partly my fault? Or is it never going to work because of our sexual incompatibility?

You are fundamentally incompatible. You both married the wrong person, and now the marriage is dead.

He shouldn’t have had affairs, but it’s unreasonable of you to expect him to put up with a sexless marriage indefinitely. I most certainly wouldn’t, and the overwhelming majority of men wouldn’t either.

It sounds like divorcing as amicably as possible is the only way forward from here.

Time to move on id say. He doesn’t sound very nice anyway regardless of what he has done.

It isn't your fault. He should have been an adult about it and told you that your sex life or lack thereof was a deal breaker for him and left. Personally, I think relationships, where there is a huge mismatch in sex drives, are always going to be difficult.

It does sound like you are better off separate but he should have gone about it in an adult manner and not have chosen to cheat.

He sounds awful, op. Just leave him.

Wow. The “I’ll help round the house more if you put out more” no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him, what an awful man!

There are never any excuses for cheating, it’s disrespectful, you leave, so don’t ever put the blame on yourself. He just wanted his cake and to eat it too.

Leave him, you can do better and life will be better when you don’t have to be responsible for a cheating man child

I ask him to help more around the house over the years and he says to me that if I “put out more” in bed he’d help more around the house

Ugh

I’m not surprised you didn’t want to have sex with him

You never know, you might find sex is more appealing with someone who doesn’t see you as a skivvy

@OssieShowman

I’m so sorry you are in this position. This is also the story of my life. And also, it’s all my fault.

@OssieShowman, I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar. Its awful and I feel your pain.

Guilt tripping you with saying he'll do more around the house if you had more sex is gross. End it, you deserve more.

What an absolute twat, so everything is your fault and he is the helpless male who can't "help it" because you deprive him of what he wants, what guff.
If someone told me they would only help more if I put out they would get a le creuset frying pan round the back of the head and I'd be up for murder.

Having a high sex drive is not the same thing as being a lying, cheating, lazy, insensitive person incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. It just means you like to have sex more frequently than other people.

@Susie477

You are fundamentally incompatible. You both married the wrong person, and now the marriage is dead.

He shouldn’t have had affairs, but it’s unreasonable of you to expect him to put up with a sexless marriage indefinitely. I most certainly wouldn’t, and the overwhelming majority of men wouldn’t either.

It sounds like divorcing as amicably as possible is the only way forward from here.

@Susie477, until 6 months ago it wasn't sexless, it wasn't as much as he would like but it was regular. It become entirely sexless once he'd started the affairs.

Because I've known (as has he) since day one we were sexually incompatible - this ending was always inevitable, even though I thought we were both happy with our marriage and settled with the compromises we had made.

I have to agree with PP who have said he’s in the wrong. He should have just left instead of cheating. His morals were all wrong. But it’s done now. The fact of the matter is, it just doesn’t work.

It does sound like you are both seriously incompatible and I also imagine that his nagging for sex killed off whatever sex drive you did have.

Let’s start with the lazy, selfish, gaslighting, manipulative behaviour - dumping all the domestic drudge on you - he’s not making himself attractive here is he - no one would want to shag that.

I think your sex drive is directly proportional to the level of respect you are given - ie zero.

You don’t sound like you were happy at all. You describe him as a lazy, selfish, immature, blackmailing sex pest. What about being married to someone like that is happy?

I think your sex drive is directly proportional to the level of respect you are given - ie zero.

If you ignore that she said she’s been like this her whole life. Which she did.

I’d not believe a word of what he’s saying. The sex issue is what the liar is telling you to hurt you. He knows this is your weak spot.
He’s cheating because he likes the thrill and attention (wining dining chase illicit meetings)

He shouldn't have had the affairs, it's sneaky and wrong and 100% not your fault. He could have ended it before the affairs, which would have been more honourable. It sounds like you'd both be a lot happier out of the relationship, and he doesn't sound like much of a partner. I wouldn't spend a moment longer with him.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think your sex drive is directly proportional to the level of respect you are given - ie zero.

If you ignore that she said she’s been like this her whole life. Which she did.

They had an open understanding of each other’s sex drive and both made compromises to sustain the overall RS initially.

However his subsequent devaluing and disrespect of her by exploiting her domestically, alongside the pestering for sex I suspect turned her right off - as it would even if you started with a high sex drive. Nothing attractive here.

Whoever said I should never have married or had DC with someone I was so sexually incompatible with is right. I would never have thought that until the affairs came to light as I was stupid to believe it was something we had compromised on and thought it suited us over the past 11 years.

@Sssloou, you are spot on, the constant pestering, groping and innuendos, plus the complete lack of help at home and with DCs has had a major impact on any desires I might have had, however low they might have been initially.

It's not your fault. DH and I haven't had sex for years largely because he has a low sex drive. I miss sex but I don't screw around or have affairs. That would hurt him and I love him and like too much for that. I also have too much self respect to cheat. I take care of my urges privately.

This isn't just about sex for your DP though. Men can also masturbate or find women to have ONS with but he's looking for more than that. If he is wining and dining them he's also looking for excitement and/or companionship which he isn't finding with you.

And what about you? What are you looking for? To carry on being a housemaid and cook to a man you don't like? You are worth more than that.

Sorry but not your fault at all.

He CHOOSE to have affairs rather than talking to you about it.
He CHOOSE to stay in a relationship where he wasn’t getting as much sex as he wanted.
He also CHOOSE to ty to coerce you into sex with these nice transactional efforts more sex = more help in the house.
He CHOOSE deceit over talking and communication.

That was all his choice.

As for dinning them etc... it seems that actually when you want sex you di need to make an effort after all. One he didn’t want to make with you....

Look, it's simple. If you want to get with someone else, you end the relationship you're in, first.

It's not 'your fault' you are like you are, at all. That's like saying 'well, he always dreamed of someone 6' tall, blonde, with green eyes, so it's my fault he's disappointed with my being 5', brunette, with brown eyes'. No it isn't. It's his stupid fault for choosing you, then leading you on with the idea that he'd commit to you.

Either he couldn't get the kind of woman he really wanted, or he wants to have his cake and eat it - home life with nice wife, plus sexy bit on the side. Or, he actually chose you because he loved you and, at one time, wanted to make it work. Now he doesn't. But he's too much of a coward to admit that and take responsibility for leaving you.

He's just another two-timing philanderer. Nothing more, nothing less.