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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has just threatened to throw a weight at me ....

135 replies

Tamrastarr · 02/06/2021 19:42

A pretty heavy one. He instead threw two of them at the wall and left large dents. He said "Move out of my way or I will throw this at you" and he then said that I made him act this way. I was having a discussion with him , I was not raising my voice, but I think he reacted this way because he knew he was wrong. Twenty minutes later he brought me some dinner and asked if I was ok. When I said "no", he said I was exaggerating things. What do you think??

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 02/06/2021 23:15

I'm so sorry, OP.

Have you contacted Woman's Aid?

numberoneson · 02/06/2021 23:41

@BewareTheBeardedDragon

Yes - he is testing you and instilling fear to gain control.

No one normal throws weights around.
No one who respects their partner seriously threatens to throw heavy things at them.
He immediately said it was your fault (classic - you're responsible for his violence).
He later tried to make you think it was not a big deal, minimised his actions and invalidated your feelings about it (gaslighting you).

If you accept this behaviour he will know he can get away with it, and will start to ramp it up. Not straight away, and maybe very slowly, but if you stay you will be the frog sitting in the warm water which is slowly slowly getting hotter and you won't notice until it's boiling and it's too late.

Leave him now.

Couldn't have put it better or more clearly than this post. GET. OUT. ASAP.
Lalliella · 03/06/2021 00:20

Well done OP for finally making the decision. Please don’t let him change your mind. Go. And don’t look back.

ViciousJackdaw · 03/06/2021 00:30

When you say a 'weight', do you mean a weightlifting weight? Because weightlifting and aggression screams out steroid use to me. Is this a possibility?

momtoboys · 03/06/2021 00:36

Leave. Please leave.

momtoboys · 03/06/2021 00:37

@Umberellatheweatha

If he wont leave tonight then don't sleep under the same roof as him. Get yourself out and take the kids too.

Men like him are most dangerous when they feel they control is slipping.

Umbrella is spot on with this.
expat101 · 03/06/2021 01:49

You mentioned you have shielded the near adult children but how do you know this? How would you hide holes in a wall? Not being rude, but I don't think you can hide this sort of behaviour, the kids would have picked up on him years ago...

Secondly, what would have happened if one of those weights had bounced back or slipped from his hand ''too early'' and hit you? Does he think the word sorry would fix it? It's only by chance that this didn't occur and if you saw one of your children doing it to another, what would your reaction have been?

It's time to walk away and go now. Let him have his hissy fits but you are no longer the scapegoat for them and if your children ask why, tell them what happened. Lying to kids only creates mixed messages and a situation the other party can take advantage of.

he should be ashamed and shamed!

time to look out for yourself. x

eekbumbler · 03/06/2021 02:06

@username34512875

Lots of physical abusive relationships don’t start with being punched in the face. They start with them slamming doors, breaking things, punching walls and eventually, punching you.
This and only this.

Sadly my experience was from my son.

I think you know the answer - it's underlined in your original post. Just get rid.

eekbumbler · 03/06/2021 02:16

I'd also like to add that the police are WONDERFUL in situations like this.

Call them, they'll not let him stay in the house - it gives you a chance for some space albeit a few hours, but it is a few hours to THINK and then KNOW.

Sorry for the caps but I've been abused by both partner and have had bones broken by my adult son.

The police will also oversee him collecting any belongings he needs so you can be out for that. Just get him out of the house. Let him find the aid and the help. Womens Aid is all well and good, but take advice from them, you do not need to leave YOUR long term stable home and if there are signs of physical violence either on person or property police will remove HIM.

Which is how it should be.

It took me months to recover from broken ribs, my daughter had to move in with my Mum because I simply could not walk - let alone do school runs.

Just get him out - also I agree re steroids if he is looking that way with the weights.

I appreciate it's very late. I hope you are okay.

Onthedunes · 03/06/2021 02:18

He's wife battering scum.

Would he do this to anyone else, No I don't think so.

What a poor excuse for a man, to bully, threaten, intimidate and then minimise his actions.
He has all the hallmarks of an abusive shit ramping up his behaviour, what a weak bastard he is.

Don't make excuses for him and don't keep it a secret.

Leave him.

Cimone · 03/06/2021 06:21

When he goes to work pack your stuff and leave. Staying there you are setting yourself up to get your ass kicked and perhaps hospitalization or a casket. It happens to thousands of women every year so do not brush this off. He isn't even taking responsibility for what he did!! Wow. What a loser.

SunshineCake · 03/06/2021 06:39

Why wouldn't you want them to hate a man who bullies a woman, who threatens their mother?!

Original poster
Tamrastarr · 03/06/2021 09:39

Thank you everyone. I am taking next steps to end it. The nice house and good jobs can hide so much. I am sorry that some of you have been through similar and I appreciate all your advice.
I asked him to leave last night and his answer was to tell me to sleep in the spare room if I didn't want to be near him!! He's so entitled

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 09:43

@Tamrastarr

Thank you everyone. I am taking next steps to end it. The nice house and good jobs can hide so much. I am sorry that some of you have been through similar and I appreciate all your advice. I asked him to leave last night and his answer was to tell me to sleep in the spare room if I didn't want to be near him!! He's so entitled
Of course he's entitled. That's why he justifies what he does. The man made dents in the wall. He knows he made dents in the wall. He feels entitled to put dents in the wall. Why would he suddenly just have an epiphany and leave?

We're the kids around?

notapizzaeater · 03/06/2021 10:03

He's entitled because he thinks it's all smoke and you're not going to do anything, after all 'its all your fault'

CliffsofMohair · 03/06/2021 10:27

Take a photograph of the dents and any other damage caused. And the weights for context. Might be useful for future conversations with solicitor/police/whoever

Onthedunes · 03/06/2021 12:09

There are so many men who think throwing things is an acceptable way to end an argument or get their point across.

My friend lost an eye when a dish was thrown at the wall and it spintered into pieces. So easily done but at least he felt he won that particular argument.

They split but only because he couldn't face the guilt when with her as people knew. Cunt.

Umberellatheweatha · 03/06/2021 12:12

The thing is though, throwing stuff and threats are not usually a 'loss of control'. They are a deliberate, intimidation tactic. Abusers are not violent because they are angry. They are violent because they are abusive.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 12:23

@Umberellatheweatha

The thing is though, throwing stuff and threats are not usually a 'loss of control'. They are a deliberate, intimidation tactic. Abusers are not violent because they are angry. They are violent because they are abusive.
I'd argue that they ARE angry, but their abusive nature means they don't see a need to manage their anger in any other way.
Boonlark · 03/06/2021 12:35

You need to call the police. Even if you feel you're not in danger now, this will help you on a few different fronts:

  • he'll be out of the house and that gives you time to get a non molestation order and an occupation order
  • you will need proof of his abuse to be able to avoid mediation in the divorce, you can use the police report as proof. Mediating with an abuser is hell.
  • if you're on a low income you can use the proof of his abuse to get legal aid.

You can show the police the dents in the wall, and that you posted on here about it.

1WayOrAnother2 · 03/06/2021 12:48

When he says it is your fault and that he hit out because you wound him up... think about whether he would have reacted this way if a policeman/his boss/anyone he respects annoyed or irritated him.

He can control his temper... enough to use it to control you.

Your children probably won't hate him even if they are shown all the truth- but they should know that how he behaves is not right and not acceptable. This is their education for life and it really matters for their future relationships.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/06/2021 13:17

My youngest is almost eighteen and my children have been shielded from a lot. I don't want them to hate him

Even though you think you've shielded them, they'll know what's been going on and the chances are they already hate him for the way he treats you.

Please should them you have some self-respect, that this behaviour is NOT acceptable and stick to your plan of splitting. Otherwise they may well end up in similar relationship because they've been grown up with this as 'normal'.

Good luck. Keep posting.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/06/2021 13:18

Sorry, that should have said 'Please show them...'

BlueButtercups · 03/06/2021 14:08

You has perfect grounds to have him removed last night OP.

What now ? 🌸

BlueButtercups · 03/06/2021 14:09
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