Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has just threatened to throw a weight at me ....

135 replies

Tamrastarr · 02/06/2021 19:42

A pretty heavy one. He instead threw two of them at the wall and left large dents. He said "Move out of my way or I will throw this at you" and he then said that I made him act this way. I was having a discussion with him , I was not raising my voice, but I think he reacted this way because he knew he was wrong. Twenty minutes later he brought me some dinner and asked if I was ok. When I said "no", he said I was exaggerating things. What do you think??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tamrastarr · 02/06/2021 20:58

CandyLeBonBon It all sounds frighteningly familiar

hatcoatscarfalcohol I didn't stay so that the children could enjoy the abusive relationship. I stayed because I was guilted that I would ruin their lives by splitting the family. My youngest is almost eighteen and my children have been shielded from a lot. I don't want them to hate him

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2021 21:01

@Tamrastarr

CandyLeBonBon It all sounds frighteningly familiar

hatcoatscarfalcohol I didn't stay so that the children could enjoy the abusive relationship. I stayed because I was guilted that I would ruin their lives by splitting the family. My youngest is almost eighteen and my children have been shielded from a lot. I don't want them to hate him

You know they will have experienced it on some level, right, no matter how well you shielded them. Were they there this evening?

He's a manipulative, abusive, nasty man and you need to get him gone. I'm sorry you're going through this. Thanks

toocold54 · 02/06/2021 21:09

My youngest is almost eighteen and my children have been shielded from a lot. I don't want them to hate him

Trust me you haven’t shielded them because people can sense even silent tension.
If anything they are going to end up hating you because you chose to stay.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2021 21:13

Whist I understand the point you are making @toocold54 it's pointless remonstrating eith the op now. What's done is fine, the dc are near adults so the key thing to focus on is her ensuring her snd her dc's safety.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2021 21:13

What's done is done not fine! 🙄😬

Authenticcelestialmusic · 02/06/2021 21:21

If he messed up at work and his boss threw a heavy object at the wall what would you advise your partner to do? Would you support him if he called the police?

Authenticcelestialmusic · 02/06/2021 21:22

You don’t deserve to live like this. Your home is meant to be a place of safety. I hope you find a way out.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/06/2021 21:24

@toocold54

My youngest is almost eighteen and my children have been shielded from a lot. I don't want them to hate him

Trust me you haven’t shielded them because people can sense even silent tension.
If anything they are going to end up hating you because you chose to stay.

Also because you are blaming them for you staying! Why shouldn't they hate a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to their mother? Would you hate him if he were physically and emotionally abusive to the children? So sad how children get the blame when a woman won't leave a man.
DoingItMyself · 02/06/2021 21:25

You need to leave. Do it. The alternative might be 'or die'.

OhRene · 02/06/2021 21:28

Next time it's gonna be thrown at you.

He will escalate.

Leave. Please.

toocold54 · 02/06/2021 21:29

@CandyLeBonBon yes you are right but OP has stayed for ‘her DCs sake’ which is definitely not keeping them safe so she needs to know that staying with him is not the answer.

billy1966 · 02/06/2021 21:29

Your poor children raised in a house like that.

You should have called the police a long time ago.

Your children will not thank you for your choices.

Show them finally that he is wrong.

toocold54 · 02/06/2021 21:31

OP do you think that is how someone acts if they like/love you?
Would you do that to your best friend or parent or DC because they annoyed you?
And if you did lose your temper and say something hurtful wouldn’t you be really apologetic afterwards and make sure you didn’t do it again?

CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2021 21:34

[quote toocold54]@CandyLeBonBon yes you are right but OP has stayed for ‘her DCs sake’ which is definitely not keeping them safe so she needs to know that staying with him is not the answer.[/quote]
She has stated the way her husband guilt tripped and manipulated her into staying. It's very hard when you are immersed in an abusive relationship, to see the truth of a situation for what it is. He has manipulated, gaslit and emotionally blackmailed her into staying, based on what I have read. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that it's easy, in the face of long term abuse, to see the wood for the trees.

It's difficult and complex, but my concern is by judging her past performance (which cannot be changed) she will be scared off the thread instead of supported to make the right choice now.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2021 21:35

I think you should call the police, OP. It doesn't matter that he is being ok now. You need him to have to face the reality of what he's done.

Embracelife · 02/06/2021 21:37

. I don't want them to hate him

Very odd thing to say
They are old enough to make their own mind

Is he shouty vand violent around them?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/06/2021 21:38

You don't want them to hate him?

Unfortunately by staying, you've taught them that it's acceptable to be with a partner who is shouty, aggressive, selfish and unkind.

skodadoda · 02/06/2021 21:41

asked if I was ok
But he only wanted to hear you say yes. So he didn’t care about his behaviour. He will get worse.

Umberellatheweatha · 02/06/2021 21:41

Better they see the monster and hate him than grow up thinking monsters are to be obeyed, excused and allowed power over their lives.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/06/2021 21:42

@Umberellatheweatha

Better they see the monster and hate him than grow up thinking monsters are to be obeyed, excused and allowed power over their lives.
Absolutely this.
Boomisshiss · 02/06/2021 21:42

Get your stuff and leave

JillWoodhead · 02/06/2021 21:47

Pack a bag and go. You are worth so much more than this.

Original poster
Tamrastarr · 02/06/2021 21:48

I read a thread on here a few weeks ago entitled something like "What finally made you leave?" Although there have been worse days, I think I have finally made my mind up. I am not an idiot but I have put up with this for far , far too long. I have been with him since I was a teenager

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2021 21:50

@Tamrastarr

I read a thread on here a few weeks ago entitled something like "What finally made you leave?" Although there have been worse days, I think I have finally made my mind up. I am not an idiot but I have put up with this for far , far too long. I have been with him since I was a teenager
Good
toocold54 · 02/06/2021 21:55

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that it's easy, in the face of long term abuse, to see the wood for the trees.

No I know it’s not easy which is why I said it. If OP has it in her head that it’s better for her children if she stays then she’s never going to leave.
And although I agree that she should leave, a lot of the time when people tell someone who is in an abusive relationship that the person is abusive and they should leave they either don’t listen or it makes them stay in the relationship more. Hearing the truth about what it’s doing to her DC is going to be a lot more effective and I don’t think we should beat around the bush as I care more about the impact on the DCs than I do about OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread