I don’t know what to talk about with them anymore

[PrinceAliFabulousHe]

I’m going to keep it deliberately vague as this other person may well be on here.

A close family member of mine has recently become very very wealthy. We’re talking millions. It’s absolutely amazing for them and has and will afford them some wonderful opportunities.

I’m not jealous (I know, I know, easy to say but I really don’t think this is what this boils down to) but I just don’t know what we have in common any longer. All common points of reference are now gone. No longer do they have to worry about childcare costs or commuting or saving up for holidays or saving up for anything at all! Our houses are no longer comparable in size and the worries I have about mine (needs roof repairs, have to wait until I can afford) are not in league with the concerns they have about theirs (CCTV needs upgrading and new electric gate system) or where to buy a holiday home. So a lot of the everyday chatting points are just no longer there and I have no desire to highlight my own inadequacies on the money front when there isn’t even a bonding/moaning/solidarity in numbers point to be made - does that make sense?

I know money isn’t everything but even going out for lunch highlights the differences that for one a meal out is a luxury and for the other it is not at all. I don’t want them to feel like they have to act like they don’t have the cash but equally it’s difficult to know where we have any common ground anymore.

On the flip side I struggle not to inwardly at least roll my eyes at what they now consider to be problems, size of their tax bill, the fact that one cleaner alone struggles to clean their house and which private school to put the kids down for, it’s not in my world so I can’t help but think ‘that isn’t really a problem though is it?’ Which must sound incredibly bitchy.

Am I just being silly? It’s making me pull back from spending time with them as I just don’t know how to act/what to say. I love them and don’t want to feel like this, especially as the accusation of my feeling this way nearly always comes back to jealousy but I’ve examined myself harshly and whilst I’ve painted maybe a grimmer picture here than in real life me and DH aren’t doing so bad we’re just normal, can afford some holidays and some DIY but equally we have to budget for those things.

Phone posted before I was ready. But basically I’m asking you all to give me a shake or at least give me pointers on how to manage/approach this relationship where everything has turned on it’s head!

Or am I just being stupid and this isn’t a problem, it’s good old fashioned jealousy and I have to put the green eyed monster in a box and leave it there.

It can get tricky once you start getting big differences in wealth between friends, but unless your conversations are literally just based around being able to afford things or not it shouldn’t be a problem? I have plenty of friends who are much richer than me, and I am richer than other friends too and as long as you’re chatting about plans and experiences and thoughts on what’s going on in the world, money shouldn’t really come into it? I have had friends who are renovating a tiny house or buying first home and I’m always interested to hear the ins and outs and how they’ve saved money here and there - even if it would be something I wouldn’t consider, and they are always able to advise me or lend their wisdom on relationship woes or general feelings about life. Eg the basics of parenting are the same whether you’re wealthy or not, you’re all stressed and worried about kids happiness etc! It sucks if hanging out and lunch is a financial strain due to where they choose to go though. It’s a tricky one I know, but it is possible to make it work!

Taking finances out of it (easier said than done!)

• You still clearly both have children (in common).
• Youre both homeowners, so decorate etc - doesn't matter if they have 6 beds and you have 3, you can still chat wallpaper.
• You both go on holidays (theres might be 3 to your 1, but you both still go.)
• and so on

Some of her comments (cleaner) do sound a bit "oh my diamond shoes are too tight", but that might because she's recently come into it and is excited and adjusting?

It's probably a combination of her being a touch braggy and you feeling a little jealous.

If you love her, give her time to adjust. Enjoy a nice lunch or two if the money comes your way! I don't think it has to be the end.

I think you definitely want to avoid making them feel uncomfortable talking about problems that come with money though, as that’s when it will get awkward, the same way they hopefully wouldn’t make you uncomfortable talking about saving for a renovation. Just have to be curious and interested in each other’s lives, even if they’re different to yours - the same as you would be curious about a friend who was single or going through a divorce or a secret service officer with a wild career!

If you liked them though and they you, you’d be interested in each other’s lives. Not only interested if it’s the same issues.

Maybe you need time to adjust to the fact they are wealthy, and well, get over it, and realise they are the same person.

Interesting @Dogoodfeelgood as I definitely feel like I no longer want to mention ‘saving’ for things as I don’t want to be perceived as ‘poor’ however I think I need to accept that in relation to them I am!!

Which is ridiculous as before this I felt pretty content with our household income and what we had achieved. I think this has maybe just highlighted some latent feelings of inadequacy.

I know these posts make me sound like I’m obsessed with money, I promise I’m not - although I understand why that might be the way it comes across from these posts! I’m very driven and have done well in my career and have lots of friends and varied interests but this is making me examine myself and my reaction to it more than I’d like I’ve got to admit.

I am interested @Bluntness100 but you’ve got to admit a lot of friendships (and for all we’re related there is a friendship there also) you usually have common points of interest and reference and when those are completely removed sometimes the friendship runs it’s course. Except we’re related and I don’t want (and couldn’t even if I wanted to I don’t think) just let the relationship fizzle away so I’m looking for strategies to manage it.

@sar302 you’re right, the basics are still there, I guess I just no longer feel like my advice or chat is relevant and that it’s boring for them with their fabulous new lifestyle. But that’s my chip on my shoulder that I need to deal with.

One of the closest friendships I've ever had was with a man who was making a six figure salary working in finance while I was making £700 a month working in a call centre. He chatted me up in a bar and we dated briefly but remained friends when we realised we weren't right for each other romantically. I'm not stunningly beautiful or anything - very ordinary looking (I thought he was way out of my league and still do), so it's not like I had that to offer, but something just clicked and for years we used to speak on the phone almost every night, for 2 or 3 hours at a time (we didn't live near each other). He was funny and interesting and I always enjoyed hearing about his life - both the high flying job and lifestyle that comes with it but also all the other stuff that wasn't related to money much or at all. And he was equally interested in hearing about my life, despite the lack of glamour, high spend activities and purchases. He might have been making a fortune while I was making a pittance but we both still enjoyed discussing our bosses, colleagues and clients - those that were a nightmare and caused problems and those we enjoyed working with or even fancied a flirted with a bit. And of course we enjoyed discussing our friends and family and love lives - the good bits and the bad bits!

I've recently made a new friend who earns far less than him but still about 5 times as much as I do. We also have little in common on paper but we're both interested in each others lives and again, that's enough to make it work. I also have friends who make very little - the thing they all have in common is that they're good company and enjoy my company as much as I enjoy there's.

And If I won the lottery tomorrow, I wouldn't become any less interested in my friends' lives. Like someone else said, I'd probably be keen to talk about the excitement of a big life change and all that comes with it and would appreciate it if they were interested and excited for me but I'd still also want to know what was going on in their lives just as much as before - it wouldn't become uninteresting just because my own life had changed dramatically.

You sound like a good friend OP and it doesn't sound like your friend's said anything to make you think she doesn't very much still want you in her life. I wouldn't censor what you tell her because you think she might perceive you as poor. She probably just thinks about you as someone she enjoys talking to. Keep sharing your life with her unless she changes for the worst, but I wouldn't say that's particularly likely in my own experience. Vast wealth doesn't turn everybody into snobs.

Thank you, I think if I am really honest with myself while it is not jealousy as in I want what they have, there is a feeling of no longer being the one that has anything to give to the relationship. My experiences are no longer relevant to what they are going through, I was the one they used to come to for advice on certain things and now I don’t have that going for me.

It’s a complicated. Maybe it’s more about me than I’d thought.

I think it’s all about you. And I mean that gently. It’s about your feelings of inadequacy in relation to them, envy, yes I’m sorry it is envy, discomfort, and many other things.

They will not perceive you any differently. Your circumstances have not changed. It’s how you perceive them

Your argument about points of common interest don’t stand. This is a family member not some loose friend. And you have plenty in common, your family for one. Shared experiences.

The fact you wish to distance yourself because materialistically rhey have so much more than you now, is about you and your feelings on their wealth and you’re feelings on yout own lack of.

I understand completely OP, I have a friend who's far richer than me. We get on really great and I have a wonderful connection with her, but last time I left her house I genuinely thought 'I don't see us being mates much longer'. It's hard to decipher, it wasn't jealousy just a deep feeling that we didn't have fundamental things in common really, and I'm always talking up my lifestyle to make it look like I can afford more. I don't know why maybe because I don't want to feel like the inadequate one. This is a friend I've only known for about 3 years so the feelings must be more intense with a long term friendship. You don't sound jealous to me but v similar to how I feel, can't put my finger on the emotion.

@Bluntness100 maybe you’re right 😕

@Superfoodie123 it sounds exactly the same. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I really do. Even if I accept what Bluntness has said above I don’t know how to go about normalising the interactions because I feel like my normal 9-5 cant compete with the lives of the super rich.

@PrinceAliFabulousHe

Or am I just being stupid and this isn’t a problem, it’s good old fashioned jealousy and I have to put the green eyed monster in a box and leave it there.

It does sound like jealousy. But then who wouldn't be a tiny bit jealous?!?

Why do you imagine that your life is of no interest to them all of a sudden?
That's weird, I mean they are still the same people aren't they?They still remember life before they came into money? They still care if you had a nice holiday (even if it was Majorca not Mauritius) and if you've been busy at work.
Don't you ever just chat about what was on the telly last night and how each other's kids are?
I think you are imagining what they are thinking and they probably aren't thinking that iyswim.
I understand why it's given you pause but I think you just need to try and put it out of your mind.

@Fyredraca you’re right, maybe I’m projecting. Yes we do chat about tv and the kids but I’m just acutely aware that everything is different now. In fact thinking about it TV is one of the few things we chat freely about, we have access to the same tv shows and money/lifestyle doesn’t affect that, they might watch it on a bigger couch than I do but it’s still the same experience so feels like a good leveller.

I'd just try and keep to safe topics for now until you have got your head round it.

Can't they chuck some of it in your direction?

How did they get the money?

They’re generous. But I don’t want it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I can’t pay my own way. I probably end up spending more money when I’m with them so as to avoid the appearance of ‘cadging’.

They came into the money suddenly and unexpectedly, don’t really want to say much more than that.

I think people are not being very honest about how they are feeling, or how they would be feeling if in your position.

You've said this is a close family member - so presumably a sister or a cousin you've been brought up closely with.
Lets be honest, if any close family member of mine won millions - I reiterate million s , I would be wondering why they hadn't used a tiny fraction of that to pay off the mortgage of someone who was that close a relative.
We are not talking about vague acquaintances. We are not talking about winning "only" £1m.
Of course we'd all be jealous, and I'd be very perplexed, and wondering about their thinking.
I would not be listening to them whinging about the house being too big for one cleaner alone. You've said they are very close - surely if someone is very close to you, then you can tell them how ridiculous they sound?
However, there are other things you can talk about that don't involve money. For years, one of my siblings earned more than the rest of us put together, but it was never part of our conversations.

Genuinely @BackforGood I really don’t expect nor want them to pay off my mortgage. I’d be mortified if they so much as suggested it.

Yes it’s a sibling relationship. They are much younger than me (>10 years) but due to a quirk in fate we have children within a couple of years of each other (and others with a bigger age gap).

One of my siblings is really wealthy. I earn a good salary but a fraction of what they earn. Our relationship hasn't changed and I don't feel inferior.

I have friends with very different income brackets. Both far richer and poorer than me. Doesn't affect our friendship at all . What you earn doesn't define you nor make you any more or any less interesting , loving and valuable.

I think th issue here is it’s hard to admit it’s envy. The same with the pp who said they can’t name the emotion. It’s like it’s shameful to admit envy so dance around it pretending it’s something else you just can’t name. When deep down you know exactly what it is.

Of course you still have plenty in common, from a shared up bringing, a wider family, kids the same age. You can discuss many things, from what’s going on with the kids, to what you did last week, your jobs, or how you spend your days, politics, gardening, movies, whatever interests you, it doesn’t need to be always about materialistic things. And I doubt it was before.

But now you’re acutely aware of the difference in your positions and it makes you uncomfortable that they materialistically have more.

People who grew up with less tend not to forget that. Your sibling knows your financial situation.

You need to try to get over it and stop focusing on it. It would be a terrible shame, and incredibly shallow to damage a previously good relationship for no reason other than they came into money,

@PrinceAliFabulousHe I think you are being over-harsh on yourself. Coming into a significant sizeable fortune creates disparity between you and your friend that changes the whole basis of your lived experiences.

Some changes like this are too big to be able to "carry on as normal" no matter what others claim. That's why, if ever I won the lottery I would never ever tell anyone because it does change the basis of relationships and sets expectations of what people "think" the person should do with their new fortune.

The only control you have is over how you want to be, and your attitude to this relative.

If I were you I'd get on with your life and give time to process the change.

What's forcing you to have to make any decisions around the relationship anyway? There's no rule book other than the one you're imposing on yourself, so slacken off, loosen up and just take in a step at a time and see how things pan out.