I don’t know what to talk about with them anymore

[PrinceAliFabulousHe]

I’m going to keep it deliberately vague as this other person may well be on here.

A close family member of mine has recently become very very wealthy. We’re talking millions. It’s absolutely amazing for them and has and will afford them some wonderful opportunities.

I’m not jealous (I know, I know, easy to say but I really don’t think this is what this boils down to) but I just don’t know what we have in common any longer. All common points of reference are now gone. No longer do they have to worry about childcare costs or commuting or saving up for holidays or saving up for anything at all! Our houses are no longer comparable in size and the worries I have about mine (needs roof repairs, have to wait until I can afford) are not in league with the concerns they have about theirs (CCTV needs upgrading and new electric gate system) or where to buy a holiday home. So a lot of the everyday chatting points are just no longer there and I have no desire to highlight my own inadequacies on the money front when there isn’t even a bonding/moaning/solidarity in numbers point to be made - does that make sense?

I know money isn’t everything but even going out for lunch highlights the differences that for one a meal out is a luxury and for the other it is not at all. I don’t want them to feel like they have to act like they don’t have the cash but equally it’s difficult to know where we have any common ground anymore.

On the flip side I struggle not to inwardly at least roll my eyes at what they now consider to be problems, size of their tax bill, the fact that one cleaner alone struggles to clean their house and which private school to put the kids down for, it’s not in my world so I can’t help but think ‘that isn’t really a problem though is it?’ Which must sound incredibly bitchy.

Am I just being silly? It’s making me pull back from spending time with them as I just don’t know how to act/what to say. I love them and don’t want to feel like this, especially as the accusation of my feeling this way nearly always comes back to jealousy but I’ve examined myself harshly and whilst I’ve painted maybe a grimmer picture here than in real life me and DH aren’t doing so bad we’re just normal, can afford some holidays and some DIY but equally we have to budget for those things.

Well now is the time to become a MLM cult member and insist she signs up 🤣

Arent there so many other things to talk about? Gardens, things you like, the odd decor in that cafe, tennis results, how sick you all are of taking walks, school results, politics, testing rates, this cake is amazing, the kids won’t eat my tacos anymore.... ??

I have friends who talk about holiday homes etc which we can’t buy and we have friends who can’t afford to buy a house while we own our house, there are plenty of things to talk about?!

Well I think because it's a much younger sibling, That's why you are struggling.

This isn't just a friendship, this is about family dynamic. whether you admit it or not, you have seen yourself as 'older' 'wiser' 'better'(as in got it together more) You have spent your life looking down on your sibling and looking out for them, because of the age gap. You were the one who had been there, done that and the got the T-shirt, you could advise, help them, guide them based on all of the above.

The family dynamic has changed dramatically, and you now perceive them as no longer needing you.

It is a bit of envy and jealously, but mostly it purely the fact that siblings have their place in a family dynamic and now, to you this has fundamentally changed.

Bottom line is, they will still see you as their older sibling, will still value your input, probably still see the family dynamic just the same as before the money. You just have remember that.

There’s probably a bit of that @NewYearNewTwatName. It’s difficult to know what value I have now given that they are now in a position to buy themselves out of any problem they have. I think the top and bottom of it is it’s made me feel inadequate and that’s not their fault but nor can I help the way I feel.

We’re not just talking about a disparity in income, one of us has overnight become a multi millionaire. I know what everyone is saying saying you just need to get over it and chat about gardens and wallpaper etc, so what if it’s on a different scale you still have common ground and you still have the same parents and cousins and other siblings and crazy grandad. But. It does change things. Of course it does. Whether we like to admit it money makes the world go round.

Right now maybe it’s all extra difficult as the money is still pretty new and as the world opens up they are able to spend more and their wealth becomes more visible. In lockdown there’s only so much you can spend your money on. Right now it is all about the money and planning how to spend the money and new this and new that and I just don’t know how I fit in anymore which makes me just want to shelve the whole thing and stay out of it.

If I won millions overnight I would not discuss spending it with those who had considerably less. That would be in bad taste. That's on your sister. I would also not be able to enjoy my winnings unless I'd handed out a few grand to family so that we could all enjoy it together. I'd get really sick of someone talking at length about their luxury purchases whilst I couldn't afford to fix my leaking roof. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it's the reality. I find the other person lacking self awareness.

you say you would be uncomfortable with them sharing their money.

Thing is in my family it's pretty much a given that if a member becomes multi millionaire, then immediate family would have their debts/mortgages paid off, or a certain amount set to share between the family.

But then my sibling dynamic is different not such a big age gap, and after growing up hating each other, now as adults have we formed a close adult relationship. So no one would feel mortified by wealth being shared.

But you feel like you are not in control and 'better' then your sibling if they shared their money with you. That is on you, but no it is not an easy 'get over it situation' as I explained before family dynamics are very different and difficult.

I am not judging you I'm just pointing out it's not as simple as someone you know has come into money.

I don't know how you will eventually make peace with this, but if you understand the "whys" better then you have a better starting point.

although Golden202 makes a good point.

if sibling didn't want to share a sum to immediate family at the beginning (which fine, its their money) Then yes it's very Crass and lacking in self awareness.

and yes it would erk me too.

@NewYearNewTwatName

‘ I don't know how you will eventually make peace with this, but if you understand the "whys" better then you have a better starting point’

Yep, that’s where I’m trying to get to.

And I don’t think it’s about me not feeling ‘better’ than them, I just feel a bit like I’ve lost my place and we’re no longer equal.

@Golden2021 I know what you mean but I really don’t want any of the money. It’s not mine to have or to expect. It’s theirs to enjoy and spend however they see fit. If they tried to give me any I think I’d feel even worse about it all.

I don’t want what they have. I just don’t want to feel unsettled by what they have anymore.

If they tried to give me any I think I’d feel even worse about it all

Here^ if they did the same for all your siblings and parents, would you feel like that?

I understand if they just singled you out, you'd feel like a charity case.

That's where we differ: gimmeeee your money!!

We did have similar actually in our family. We saved hard for our basic kitchen and kept being told to choose all these granite worktops etc. We couldn't even afford wood! They totally lost touch with reality.

Probably less so in that situation @NewYearNewTwatName but it’s not something I’m actively hoping for or expecting.

but it’s not something I’m actively hoping for or expecting

I know, it was just a theoretical question.

I think a lot of social communication relates to money.

Years ago I was friends with someone who was going through a really dreadful financial time, while myself and my ex had had some success in life and were enjoying having some money to flash about. I used to struggle to think of news to tell her when all our news was new car, new job, booked a holiday.

If the tables had turned and it was a family member had come into money, where at the moment I'd say to my sister something like, "Urgh what a week, car needs new tyres and now fridge has broken, bastard ha ha" but if she was a millionaire I couldn't possibly say that in case she thought I was looking for a handout. So given that this would be a normal part of the conversation I would have with friends and family, yes I would say that would mean I couldn't talk normally.

I am lucky enough to have more than some friends, and less than others. This has been how it works for years. I don’t try to hide that I don’t have financial struggles (that seems dishonest) and I really like to pay the way of friends. I try not to take over but really, I can afford to take you out for lunch, to buy the ice creams or whatever and it is easy so why should you struggle with that when for me it isn’t a struggle? My friends give me back, in time, love, consideration, and those things are priceless. The money doesn’t matter. And so I think it’s ok to accept that they can and want to pay for things, it’s their way of trying to help.

But my real point I think is, if this wealth is new, all of you need time for it to shake into your friendship because it is a change and it will change things. Hopefully you will all find a way that works for all of you, but give it time to shake down, look at how you feel, as you are doing, and give yourself time to adjust.

@BalloonSlayer yes! I was starting to think I was a bit odd as so much does come back to money. Even mundane chit chat and moans often, circuitously end up being solved by money or caused by a lack of it. When the subject of money feels taboo it can make difficult. I don’t want it to feel (on either side) like I’ve got my hand stuck out.

I’ve got lots of food for thought from this thread though and I’m grateful for everyone’s input as it’s really helping me.

would you be able to talk about it directly to them? In a kind of... this is funny, isn't it, I'm not quite sure what to talk to you about, way? I guess that really depends on what kind of relationship you have with them - my relationship with my brother is pretty jokey, though very affectionate, and I think that's probably how we'd deal with it.

I do sympathise, it's an odd feeling. A good friend of mine married someone extremely famous and is now famous by default and we do joke about it. But we have kids/shared past/interests in common so it's actually not awkward. Though sometimes quite weird.

What would you do if you had become a multi millionaire over night?

How would you interact with your family?

Maybe it more about differing values? and they are being made stark.

I do kind of know how you feel. My in laws where very very comfortably off. But at a time they knew we were struggling to clothes our our DC and replace/repair appliances and cars. They'd treat us to long dialogues of how much they were going to spend on changing the front window(nothing wrong with the one they had) and total bathroom refit, how much money on their 3rd holiday of the year, how much they were paying each month for adopted animals around the world.

in one sense I didn't care what money they had and what they did with it, it was theirs. on the other hand it felt like they were rubbing our noses in it, and yes sometimes I felt bitter about it. Especially the animal adoption.

I think perhaps you’ve lost your role a bit & are feeling unsettled. That’s completely normal & fine. It’s good that you’re looking at why you’re feeling like this rather than flipping out. You’re new to this: but so are they. And it’s not like they don’t need you anymore! They wouldn’t be seeking your advice on stuff if they didn’t still value your opinion. I think just give it time.

It must be difficult. It's sad that someone with so much wealth can be so tone death to normal problems people face around paying bills etc and moan on about tax bill and which private school to pick 🤔

Ah well that’s a whole other thread @NewYearNewTwatName, the way they plan to spend their money is absolutely their business. But let’s say it’s not how I would spend it in their shoes. So that adds (from
My perspective) an additional barrier as some of the things they’re planning on doing with the money is stuff I struggle with (internally, it’s not something I’d share with them but I guess they know me well enough to know that I’d be a bit about some of it).

Another angle to this, op, is that the money won’t ‘vanish away’ all the problems and challenges in their lives. They will have different ones. It may help you to think this way.
I’d love a few more quids but if I came into a massive amount I would worry about new friendships, not knowing who likes me for being me. She now has that problem. As her sister, you will always have a role in keeping her grounded and that’s where your common ground will lie. You have history together which will become more important to her now than ever (if she’s got any sense!)

@everybodysang maybe. That’s one way of approaching it. But it would have to be well timed. They’re sensitive to perceived criticism. And if I’m not careful that’s how it could come across or be taken. I don’t want to make it more awkward.

You talk about hobbies, celebrities, sports, TV, other people, pets xxx

If this is fairly recent, it will take time for the dynamics to adjust.

I was very fortunate in career and in business. I would do anything for my siblings and have done a lot. In my mind, they are my family through thick and thin and I want to share. Maybe that is how your sister feels?

You could have a conversation some time and just tell her how you're feeling. She may also be having uneasy feelings about suddenly having so much.

If I became a multi millionnaire I would definitely give money to my siblings. And I definitely wouldn't complain to them about how my house is too big for one cleaner!

You've had some good advice on this thread, I just wanted to add that if you do want to step back from your sibling a little bit, because they're being a bit spoiled and insensitive about the whole thing, that would be fair enough. Hopefully though everyone will adjust to this new normal and you'll be able to find common ground again.