I don’t know what to talk about with them anymore

[PrinceAliFabulousHe]

I’m going to keep it deliberately vague as this other person may well be on here.

A close family member of mine has recently become very very wealthy. We’re talking millions. It’s absolutely amazing for them and has and will afford them some wonderful opportunities.

I’m not jealous (I know, I know, easy to say but I really don’t think this is what this boils down to) but I just don’t know what we have in common any longer. All common points of reference are now gone. No longer do they have to worry about childcare costs or commuting or saving up for holidays or saving up for anything at all! Our houses are no longer comparable in size and the worries I have about mine (needs roof repairs, have to wait until I can afford) are not in league with the concerns they have about theirs (CCTV needs upgrading and new electric gate system) or where to buy a holiday home. So a lot of the everyday chatting points are just no longer there and I have no desire to highlight my own inadequacies on the money front when there isn’t even a bonding/moaning/solidarity in numbers point to be made - does that make sense?

I know money isn’t everything but even going out for lunch highlights the differences that for one a meal out is a luxury and for the other it is not at all. I don’t want them to feel like they have to act like they don’t have the cash but equally it’s difficult to know where we have any common ground anymore.

On the flip side I struggle not to inwardly at least roll my eyes at what they now consider to be problems, size of their tax bill, the fact that one cleaner alone struggles to clean their house and which private school to put the kids down for, it’s not in my world so I can’t help but think ‘that isn’t really a problem though is it?’ Which must sound incredibly bitchy.

Am I just being silly? It’s making me pull back from spending time with them as I just don’t know how to act/what to say. I love them and don’t want to feel like this, especially as the accusation of my feeling this way nearly always comes back to jealousy but I’ve examined myself harshly and whilst I’ve painted maybe a grimmer picture here than in real life me and DH aren’t doing so bad we’re just normal, can afford some holidays and some DIY but equally we have to budget for those things.

I think that you are being way too hard on yourself. Your sibling sounds very insensitive and self-absorbed to me. I presume that before coming into such good fortune they earned an average/normal salary and had all of the same money and budgeting concerns as the rest of us, so how come they have so quickly forgotten how most of us live? To be moaning to you about “problems” like which holiday home to choose and that the house is too big for one cleaner is grossly insensitive and crass to say the very least.

I also echo a pp in that in my family it’s inconceivable that someone would win millions without sharing very generously with siblings - my dream is to win millions and make my sisters and brother wealthy too. Nor would I feel mortified to be given a share of a sibling’s lottery win - after all, I know it would be given in a spirit of generosity and with the intention of raising up the entire family, and not given in a patronising manner iyswim - it’s not like they’ve earned it through hard graft, they got lucky! That being said, of course they have no obligation to share, I just think it’s very very strange not to. And I completely understand why you are feeling a gulf opening in your relationship - their insensitivity and self-absorption is majorly contributing to this.

Honestly op, the more you post the more envious and resentful you sound. 😞

One practical way of helping you cope with this identity shift would be to concentrate on other cultural discourses like morality, caregiving spirituality and things that aren't so typically central to dominant uk discourses.

Volunteering somewhere with a cause that means something to you, becoming an advocate for those without a voice, being an activist for social change... something that empowers you to be the one to make change and do good and you get to feel better for it too.

Too many people fall into the trap of keeping up with the Jones'. They push themselves harder and harder so they don't feel inadequate. The problem is in this scenario the majority lose. Not everyone can be the ones with it all, the rest are left over worked and exhausted trying to prove something to themselves.

This might not seem entirely relevant to the post but it is important to step back put the posters feelings in context.

You do sound as if you've been pushed off your perch as an older sister. But maybe your sister didn't always appreciate being given advice! It does seem hard that she can't mention the enjoyment she's getting from her good fortune - after all, if she were conspicuously not spending, you'd be grumbling that it's wasted on some!

@katy1213 Dh and I have talked about this a lot. For example, a key impact of wealth disparities is time poverty. A lot of my wealthier friends basically have time to read, go to the cinema, mountaineer etc etc etc. A huge difference I've noticed in moving back to the UK is how time poor we are - cant afford cleaners, baby sitters, take outs etc etc etc. What this means in practice, is that I just do many of the things that I used to share/talk about with friends because I have little time and even less money. A trip to the theatre becomes an occasion rather than something rather prosaic you do when feeling a little bored. A night time with DH having persuaded reluctant DG to look after DCs is an occasion rather than a weekly thing that you no longer notice.

The other thing since moving back is the general tension/worry about the precarity of life. Previously, I was a lot more chilled out because frankly, I could just buy my way out of trouble. Money doesn't just buy you nicer clothes - it removes a lot of underlying worries and concerns.

Even in terms of news/politics - I mean Boris stands for everything that is wrong with the UK or is a jolly fun chap trying his best. For me the news is often a series of yet another ridiculous nepotistic mistakes made by our government whilse supportive the status quo which is awful etc etc etc. My wealthier friends dont tend to see it quite the same way.

It's obviously possible to bridge is all - but to say that this is just about money is somewhat shortshighted

Your glass really is half-empty, isn't it! If you're that ground down by Boris, I can see that a millionaire sibling must be the last straw! Perhaps the answer is good works as a previous poster suggested - and then you can take the moral high ground and despise the idle, hedonistic rich.
Whoops, no - you're too time poor for volunteering!
Honestly - you just sound eaten up by jealousy. I can only suggest getting out there and buying some scratchcards!

@Bluntness100

Honestly op, the more you post the more envious and resentful you sound. 😞

No she doesn't. She sounds like someone struggling to navigate a relationship with someone who has been negatively changed by money.

I echo what others have said. If I came into some easy and life changing money there's no way I wouldn't be sharing some with close loved ones.

Partly it sounds like this is very new money to your sister and she hasn't learned when to keep her mouth shut. I think over time she will figure out how not to moan to you about problems you could only dream of having.

I'd try to be happy for her. They've come into life changing money. All relationships evolve over time and money comes/goes. She still loves you and you her.

@katy1213

Your glass really is half-empty, isn't it! If you're that ground down by Boris, I can see that a millionaire sibling must be the last straw! Perhaps the answer is good works as a previous poster suggested - and then you can take the moral high ground and despise the idle, hedonistic rich. Whoops, no - you're too time poor for volunteering! Honestly - you just sound eaten up by jealousy. I can only suggest getting out there and buying some scratchcards!

You and the bluntness poster are way off the mark. Sound really bitter yourselves actually.

@katy1213 if that reply was to me - clearly am too time poor to volunteer - it's not a coincidence that most volunteers are either young people with no ties, pensioners or rich ladies who lunch......

and sorry but Boris really is the epitome of everything wrong with the UK

This is difficult OP.I can understand why you feel like your friendship has changed, but really the things that connect you are all still there. I grew up dirt poor and felt insecure about that and the fact that most other people seemed much better off.
We are now pretty wealthy: husband earns in top 1%. We are not materialistic and prefer a simple life. We have much more money than anyone we know but that makes no difference. When I am with friends and family, we just enjoy each other’s company, talk about what’s going on in our lives, thoughts on the world and just have a laugh. I do not talk about money as it isn’t relevant and certainly wouldn’t be talking about things that might make people feel uncomfortable eg my dad still feels that insecurity re wealthy people. It’s not as though I go out to The Ritz, dripping in diamonds. I just go to hang out with the people I love and one of my favourite places to eat is the Toby Carvery, which suits us all. I am the Same person I always was - money hasn’t changed that. I am sure your friend is too

@katy1213 I think you’re conflating me and another poster. Another poster who I happen to think gets the issues I’m trying to explore so maybe your message still stands 🤷🏻‍♀️

Totally agree with Flashbac

Both about the navigating the changing relationship, but also about the not sharing some of the good fortune with people close to you.

Like many of us, I'm sure, I've dreamed about what I'd do if I won a million (technically possible as I have a few Premium Bonds) and I've dreamed of what I would do if I won £2m or £3m or £10m or £184M (pretty unlikely as I don't buy lottery tickets)

Up to a million, would probably be spent through earlier retirement for dh and I, and enough money for all my dc to get started on the property ladder, but I just cannot imagine coming into multi million pounds worth of money, and not wanting to share that luck with people close to me, such as siblings and nieces and nephews. What joy would you get from being so very different from them, hoarding £££ in the bank whilst they are still having to budget carefully ?

Some posters are talking about the idea of someone potentially being a bit jealous or envious as if that were some abhorrent sin. I genuinely think each and every one of us would be a teeny weeny bit jealous if someone close won so much money. Not letting it take over our lives or be all consuming. I don't think that would make us awful humans, I just think that is a normal response.

And I really couldn’t be more happy for my sibling. It’s a wonderful wonderful opportunity for them. I don’t resent what they have because I don’t have it. Nor do I want it instead of them. As well as? Who wouldn’t I guess!

Those posters suggesting they are obligated in some way to share it with me, I think perhaps some of the details I haven’t shared may well cast a different light on that, just the way they have come to have this money wouldn’t necessarily be the way most people suspect. And they have a partner as well. Who is equally (if not more so) responsible for the money they have and how they spend it. I don’t expect anything from them, I really don’t and I don’t begrudge them a penny of it.

The suggestions of addressing the elephant in the room are pretty good. I think I just need to find the right time and do just that, in a ‘fuck this weird isn’t it? How does it feel for you?!’ Kind of way.

There’s all sorts of weird and wonderful family dynamics as I am sure there are in any family so some of the advice is a little wide of the mark purely because I haven’t been as open or as forthcoming as I’d need to be on a thread like this to get tailored advice but also because some assumptions have been made that don’t fit.

I am genuinely grateful for everyone’s thoughts on the subject though, it’s involved a lot of self reflection and honesty with myself over my own feelings and the reasons for this. There have been tears!

What is clear though this isn’t purely a sibling or money or even a me problem. But I hope we come out of it the other side.

Perhaps you need to realise you might have found it hard if your sister was following a different life path to yours regardless of it being money. If you can't comfortably talk about what she's got going on in her life if its not something you've experienced or plan to experience, you might have struggled anyway.

Has she always done stuff you've already done? (Like qualifications, marriage, having dcs, buying property, learning to drive, applying for schools for dcs etc). If you are used to already having first hand experience of what her current big news is, then any shift away from stuff you know about might have been hard for you to cope with.

That’s a really interesting observation @MargosKaftan, not something I had considered before.

Money does bring problems sometime, good problems but still decisions to be made. Lots more choice, which in itself adds a level of complication to what may have been simple decisions previously.

It's a properly researched theory tho that I think is at play here. Social comparison theory mixed up with a bit of sibling whatevers...or maybe a status anxiety thing?

Did you have an "older sibling" relationship previously?

@Wombats12 yes, unavoidably so due to the age gap. That has been softened somewhat in the last few years but previously so a very characteristic relationship of that nature I guess. Loving but a bit distant really due to lack of shared interests.

*and being at different stages of life.

I am guessing then that he either sold his business, that he had grown from scratch before he met your sister, or he inherited an enormous sum of money from a source that he wasn't expecting to (or from bitcoins I suppose!) My point is, that if I became mega rich from any source, I would still automatically share it with my husband. If your sister does not have that sort of relationship with her partner, then she has a really big problem, that all the money in the World couldn't fix.

OP, you sound like a very kind, loving and thoughtful person, please do talk to her like you said you will.

Aw OP this sounds like a tricky situation but I don’t think it means you need to drift apart!

I have two similar situations but the difference is they have always been this way so I haven’t ever had to “adjust”, as you have had to.

First, my immediate family are much better off than all my cousins because of my parents’ jobs. This meant my siblings and I went to private school, oxbridge and now have high-earning jobs while my cousins left education at 16 or 18 and have low paying jobs. We have never had much in common but all enjoy the relationship and get on well. I certainly don’t ever think my cousins have “nothing to bring” to the relationship! We stick to the following topics: work (everyone is interested in the mean boss, the terrible new junior, the workplace affair etc, regardless of whether the context is an investment bank or a local cafe); family (the one thing we have in common!); holidays (I’m interested in their short trips to the Spanish islands and love seeing their photos. They seem to also be interested in our far-flung trips, although they tend to be more adventure-based rather than luxurious so that probably helps!); sports events (we all have different sporting hobbies and I like hearing about how their local football team or whatever is doing); pets (everyone likes a cute puppy photo!); relationships (everyone has relationship/friendship issues and needs advice from time to time).

On the other side of the fence, my best friend is MUCH richer than I am. My parents did alright for themselves but her family is in another league all together (think multiple mansions, private yacht, etc). The difference here is that we went to school together so we have that shared childhood experience and similar level of education. I can’t relate to many of her issues and inwardly roll my eyes at some of her “problems” BUT she’s my best friend and I love her; so I try to put myself in her shoes and think, ok if it were me in that situation, what would I do with this “problem” if I had her money, and give my honest advice, without judgement. No point me telling her she doesn’t have problems, as it’s all relative and rich people are allowed to get upset/frustrated/annoyed too.

There is the odd awkward moment when I say “I’m having a problem with X” and she says, “why don’t you do [insert v expensive solution]?” and I have to explain I can’t afford that. But I just say it honestly and then move on. She’s slowly learning where my financial limits lie! That shouldn’t be an issue with your sister though as hopefully she remembers life before she was rich!

Wishing you the best with the relationship, I’m sure you will still be the one she comes running to when she needs advice and you’re opinions are valid! You’ll also start to learn her financial limits and will start to be able to offer advice to her that you wouldn’t be able to afford to take yourself IYSWIM. (Like, “why not hire an extra nanny”?) etc

We had a brief chat this morning. I addressed it kind of. It wasn’t easy. There was brief acknowledgment but I’m not sure there was any real understanding. I think I need to step back a little bit while all of the crazy is ongoing and just let them adjust while letting them know I’m here and not putting my struggle into them. Wrap my head around it all in private and take it from there.

Something's gone wrong with MN. This is the 3rd thread in a row where the OP has been calm, reasoned, reflective, and appreciative of input from others - even where we've made assumptions that are wide of the mark.

Haha it’s actually been a really helpful thread for me as it’s not the kind of thing you can verbalise in real life. It’s helped me get my thoughts out of my head.

The main reason i do the lottery is because I love the dreams where I can share my fortune with family and friends.

I'm quite shocked she hasn't done this.