I don’t know what to talk about with them anymore

[PrinceAliFabulousHe]

I’m going to keep it deliberately vague as this other person may well be on here.

A close family member of mine has recently become very very wealthy. We’re talking millions. It’s absolutely amazing for them and has and will afford them some wonderful opportunities.

I’m not jealous (I know, I know, easy to say but I really don’t think this is what this boils down to) but I just don’t know what we have in common any longer. All common points of reference are now gone. No longer do they have to worry about childcare costs or commuting or saving up for holidays or saving up for anything at all! Our houses are no longer comparable in size and the worries I have about mine (needs roof repairs, have to wait until I can afford) are not in league with the concerns they have about theirs (CCTV needs upgrading and new electric gate system) or where to buy a holiday home. So a lot of the everyday chatting points are just no longer there and I have no desire to highlight my own inadequacies on the money front when there isn’t even a bonding/moaning/solidarity in numbers point to be made - does that make sense?

I know money isn’t everything but even going out for lunch highlights the differences that for one a meal out is a luxury and for the other it is not at all. I don’t want them to feel like they have to act like they don’t have the cash but equally it’s difficult to know where we have any common ground anymore.

On the flip side I struggle not to inwardly at least roll my eyes at what they now consider to be problems, size of their tax bill, the fact that one cleaner alone struggles to clean their house and which private school to put the kids down for, it’s not in my world so I can’t help but think ‘that isn’t really a problem though is it?’ Which must sound incredibly bitchy.

Am I just being silly? It’s making me pull back from spending time with them as I just don’t know how to act/what to say. I love them and don’t want to feel like this, especially as the accusation of my feeling this way nearly always comes back to jealousy but I’ve examined myself harshly and whilst I’ve painted maybe a grimmer picture here than in real life me and DH aren’t doing so bad we’re just normal, can afford some holidays and some DIY but equally we have to budget for those things.

I can sort of relate on a smaller scale. We were expats for over a decade in a very wealthy country so all our friends from there are essentially very very wealthy so were we at the time. But we moved back to the UK now have half to a third of the income we used to and our worlds are now very different.

Due to covid, we've not really been back but DH already feels like we just live in a totally different universe. It's not just the money - but yes, all our points of conversation and contact have changed now. Their everyday life is jetting off somewhere exciting, they absolutely have no financial worries and basically just throw money at the problem. Tired of looking after kids, get two nannies, need a break - jet off somewhere amazing and take the nanny with you so the parents also get a break, moving house - get someone to do it for you. Not sure about local schools, go private....etc etc etc In effect, moaning about the difficulties of every day life feels weird because the answer to them is always to outsource it or pay someone else - so it's just not a problem or even an issue. I am not jealous of them as it was me who made the decision to move back and be closer to family for our kids. But I will need to figure out how best to navigate it from now on. They are my closest friends and I just dont have as good friends here in the UK but it's not as simple as dont talk about money. The lack of money drives a lot of life in the UK

Why are yoir conversations so money focused @PrinceAliFabulousHe ? Can’t you talk about films, TV series, books, hobbies, cooking, social issues, current affairs, pets, etc just to name a few subjects? I barely ever talk to my friends and family about money related matters to be honest unless it is a financial thing to be addressed.

Can you unlearn the habit of talking about money?

@gngfh27 that’s it totally.

And @AnaViaSalamanca it’s not like we’re sitting down dissecting each other’s bank accounts and that’s all we do for fun but this is a sibling, and while yes we talk about all of those things previously we would also have discussed and empathised with each other about the difficulties and strains and stressors each of us had, which like it or not I’d say in modern life usually all come back to money one way or another or the presence or absence of it goes a long way to helping or hindering. And now that’s gone. Because one of us doesn’t have that issue any longer.

Op. Is there a reason you cannot address 'the elephant in the room' with your sibling? I realise this is very difficult but so often in life we skirt around issues and attempt to do no harm when in fact we let the unspoken cause exactly that.

Why can you not tell your sibling you have been surprised by your own reactions? Explain you have worried that she will be bored by your 'mundane' conversation now and have been struggling with making a real connection. Your sibling may not have the same worries as you but she will have a boatload of other worries coming. People will be circling her right now looking at getting her money. You being up front and honest with her about your feelings may open the gate for her to talk to you. She will be worrying she can't turn to her nearest and dearest about her concerns because 'well she's ok because she's got all this money'.

When you suddenly come into so much money, and all your closest friends and family turn weird, where do you turn? You can still be that advisor you have always been. That support network. You don't have to be rich to try and understand her new situation. Help her. Reach out to her. Apologise for being weird and explain why. I bet you will establish a new and stronger relationship for it. And stop trying to show you have enough money. She will know your basic situation anyway and sometime down the line she will decide what she wants to offer the family. Be gracious and accept it. It will probably alleviate your stress too

If I suddenly became a millionaire then my sister would be too. And vice versa. 100%. No way would I be sitting in a mansion and buying holiday homes when she considers a lunch out to be a planned for treat.

Gosh, I'm surprised that people are putting all the blame on the OP here. Telling her she's jealous and what not. The fact is, money changes EVERYTHING. Its definitely changes a person and can make them very self centred. Be kind to yourself OP. Horrible situation to be in.

A little touch of understanding here.
I had a work colleague who was from a really wealthy family, the issues I had just buying her a birthday gift felt enormous.

She spent more on one item of underwear than my full outfit.

I could never reason out what was an appropriate gift for her, that I could afford. Something cheap, that would be rubbish to her and wasted or something mega expensive that I couldn't afford and was more than I could spend on myself.

It's a strange one.

@ArgyleIsle oh gosh yes. Christmas was an absolute nightmare. I went for quirky but I’m going to run out of quirky ideas pretty soon 😂

I've grown up knowing people who are very well off, and those who really struggle to cover day-to-day bills. We talk about children's schools, because usually what makes that a success or not is how they get on with teachers and classmates, and while money gives you more options about changing schools, you can't buy good relationships. We talk about gardens - no amount of money changes the weather and what grows or doesn't outside. We talk about wildlife. Hobbies like knitting or learning languages. Things on the radio or TV. Books. Films. Music. Museums, galleries, recent exhibitions. Places we've been. Health. People we both know. Work. We could talk about decorating, but I'm not the best person there, because it doesn't interest me much. There aren't many people I talk about money with.

It probably does feel weird if it's a recent change (and I agree with those who say if I became a multi-millionaire, my siblings would get some,) but I'm sure there is loads you can talk about.

Not picking on you EBear but just to take your list:

Ok schools and relationships I get that.
Gardens/Weather - money affords you the opportunity of living in a more temperate climate
Wildlife - not sure that would cover us for more than 2 minutes
Hobbies - well when one of you works full time and the other doesn’t need to work then the disparity around time and equipment etc becomes pretty clear - and that’s due to money
Things on radio/TV - I agree a good leveller. Our shared knowledge of Real Housewives is pretty safe ground - but even stuff like that can throw up awkwardness as one of us is now actually a Real Houswife (in monetary terms at least) so some of the more outlandish stuff that occurs on programmes like that is now within the sphere of normality for one of us
Books/films etc - yes, although it goes back to the time factor, when one is time poor due to the need to work for a living and do the drudge of child rearing there’s only so many times you can say ‘oh no I didn’t get to see that as was at work/football training/ballet’ because you can’t outsource any of that stuff the way the other can.
Places we’ve been. Maldives v Middlesbrough. Really highlights the inadequacies 😂
Health - touch wood both healthy people but again, if I wasn’t, would fretting about a hospital waiting list be relatable to them anymore?

It’s not that we sit and talk about pounds and pennies constantly or compare bank accounts but money gives people different points of reference and when they all used to be common points of reference but all of a sudden aren’t, that’s what I’m struggling with.

I haven't rtft but I'm in a similar situation with my cousin. I married someone with money, am now a SAHM while she and her partner both work full time and will have to put their baby into nursery for her to go back to work.

I'd be gutted if she felt that she could no longer still see the "old me" or struggled to find things to talk about with me.

We regularly go out for meals or drinks with the deal that if it's part way through the month, I pay and if it's after payday, she pays. She doesn't take the mick and order fillet steak or whatever and I don't just order the cheapest thing on the menu.
She will tell me off for buying her DS random gifts of clothes, but she also does it for my DD.
Before we had the kids, she would come to mine for movie and wine nights and it made zero difference how much money either of us have! We still watched the same film, ate the same snacks and drank the same drink.

I do like to treat her for her birthday, and I know she sometimes struggles with that, but in reality, I'm spending no more on her than I did before I married DH!

Please don't let her money become a thing between you. Her problems (however ridiculous the might seem to you now she has money) are still her problems and she can probably do with having a real friend to talk to and be there for her

Maybe you should introduce a Secret Santa like we do in my family, or agree on a limit on spending. You can buy someone a really nice mug, or a posh pen, or tasty chocolates without breaking the bank.

I'd agree that it's just the change you have to get used to. Plus probably a bit of jealousy, why not. I found it hard when I first divorced, meeting up with my family, then consisting of three couples with their children, plus me (my kids being older and doing their own thing). Definitely felt quite sorry for myself! The suggestion to discuss this with your family member seems a good idea if you are close.

What can you talk about? Vaccination rates? BoJo's wedding? Your old neighbours? Last night's TV? I have friends who are much better off, though, and can still manage to chat to them about their house in the South of France, though I can't afford a house at all myself. Maybe if you just struggle through it to start off with, it will get easier.

On the subject of gifts, what did you give her before this? Why would those things change?

My cousin always gives me amazing gifts - hat, gloves and scarf set, restaurant voucher, afternoon tea voucher for the 2 of us, a box of my favourite chocolates, pyjamas, socks.

I still loves the gifts because they were chosen by her, not for how much they cost. And I definitely don't want her spending stupid amounts of money because she thinks that what I would expect her to spend

This is the thing about money though isn't it. It is very rarely about actually wanting the material things but wanting to at least feel equal to others. It is the feeling of always being the one with less and the way others look at you. It is never really about buying that nice house or car ect. Whether people are around someone who has just came into money or not this is what people experiencing relative poverty in capitalist society experience everyday.

There is much research that shows happiness and wellbeing is poorer in those who are wealthy but are in constant direct contact to those with more, than those who are just about getting buy with everyone around them in the same situation. The same applies to grade achievement in education ect.

Gardens/Weather - money affords you the opportunity of living in a more temperate climate
I don't have a garden; I live in a tiny flat and the most I can come up with is a few pot plants. But I can still talk to my aunt about the gardener she gets in for her lovely house in the Cotswolds. Your responses to the list do make it sound like you are a bit obsessed with the differences!

@MsSquiz I tried to buy them treats, stuff they wouldn’t normally buy themselves due to cost usually because they didn’t want to treat themselves at the expense of a different household cost. Which is why I feel like I’m coming up short now as those things don’t apply.

This is a really helpful thread though that has helped me examine a lot of this as up until now it’s just been swirling round in my head because this isn’t the kind of thing you can talk about in real life as the other person would always be thinking ‘jealousy’.

@PrinceAliFabulousHe there will still be things they consider treats, that they don't buy regularly.

For example, every Christmas I make up a hamper of food with condiments, sauces, fancy crisps, pickles, chocolates, etc from Fortnum & Mason, Harvey Nichols, and the like for my PIL. They have millions in the bank and shop at Waitrose weekly, but they love all of the treats we get them.

Your relative may be spending money like they've turned on a tap at the moment, but it will settle and it won't be steak for tea every night. Maybe they'd love you to pop round with a pizza one evening for a bit of normality?

@ravenmum well if that’s way it’s coming across then it really isn’t my intention however in my experience if you own properties abroad it’s a little difficult to relate to someone moaning about it raining for the entirety of April in Scotland because the sun has shone constantly in Cancun

I’m trying to explain how it makes me feel, so to use my example there, where previously we could have had a joint moan about the weather and how it had stopped us taking the kids out to the park or whatever, now it’s just me who can’t take the kids to the park because the bad weather in the UK is no longer relevant to them. They can say ‘awww sounds awful’ but we both know that A) they don’t really care because the sun is beaming down on them perpetually in whatever sun kissed haven they’ve jetted off to and B) I don’t want to moan about the weather where I am anymore because it’s no longer a shared experience/problem, it’s a problem for those of us who have no choice but to be here because they don’t have the vast wealth to solve the issue.

Now granted that bit is where the chip on my shoulder is showing. And that’s what I need to (and really am trying) work on.

*obviously I’m not taking about them flying places under restrictions - lockdown has been a good leveller in that respect!

If it makes you feel any better, I live in Germany and it rained throughout May too here

it actually does

One thing that sticks out to me is that if it is a sibling as you say, you don't sound particularly close. If I became a multi millionaire overnight, my family would all be millionaires as well. No questions asked. Even if they didn't want it, it would be in their bank account by the end of the day. The fact that the money appears not to have been offered or you seem to reluctant to accept it either is quite telling.

What was your relationship like before this? Especially if there is a ten year age gap. It's odd to me that you cannot speak to them openly about it. My siblings and I are very frank with each other. Even when it's unpleasant.

I'm probably projecting a bit here, but if you were older, did you pride yourself on the authority and status that brought? Maybe prided yourself in doing better as well perhaps?

Have just come back to this thread - I commented earlier when it was assumed it was a close friend.

Your sister.... definitely changes the game! And to be honest, I can't believe she now has many millions and you haven't seen a penny! Who does that?

I mean, I think my original post (and others) still stand to an extent, but it's so much more complicated. I can understand why you're struggling to get your head around it.

Have you felt able to speak to your parents about it? Obviously If you have no other siblings, there's no direct comparison, but your parents might understand a bit?

But surely you must have more to talk about than money problems? Don't you talk about books you've read - films - even something you've seen on television -what's happening in the news - bloody Covid even? It doesn't all have to be about comparing shopping at Primark with Harvey Nix.

If anyone in my immediate family won a substantial amount of money (I assume she's won it as you said it was overnight) we would share it out and enjoy it together. It would be "our" good fortune, I couldn't watch my sister worry about fixing a roof or car or whatever sitting on all that cash.

Different if they've worked for it really but even then we'd help each other out.

I think your sister needs to rein in the chat about materialistic stuff and stick to topics that haven't changed like Tv, kids, politics etc.

I think you'd be within your rights to point that out