How could he ghost me

[Alexandradream]

I’m at a total loss....I’m a 52 year old mother of 4. Resilient, independent, and confident... how have I now turned into a hybrid of both a teenager feeling hurt and sad and can’t stop thinking about him combined with the need to hurt the fucker so badly I’m Glenn Close in fatal attraction!!!

I’ve been in a relationship with the most amazing man for the last 18 months. There was instant connection and chemistry on so many levels but having said that I didn’t get swept up and think it was my happy ever after for a long time. From the start of this year though, I really thought, yes, this has something special and we had talked about things being very long term, most of this narrative was lead by him. Both of us had been married for a long time and between us we have 9 children so we have a lot of baggage. We were both prepared to take things slowly.

Last Friday, he left to spend a week in another country. We are not in the UK and as such have lived in stricter lockdown conditions for the last 15 months. There were some issues with him going, we had previously discussed them and he knew where I stood. Briefly, it’s a country he has spent a lot of time in, it ticks all his boxes and given the pandemic he can do his job anywhere in the world. I felt if he went out for a week there was every chance that he would stay on longer and I could see a case where he ended up spending the summer over there. I’ve always said I can completely see the benefits for him, but given the travel restrictions in my country it just wasn’t tenable for me to commute currently.

He made no effort to contact me the day he left ( last Friday) in fact didn’t even open my WhatsApp texts. I got a couple of texts on Friday night when he landed, and a couple of texts on Saturday night. On Saturday I asked him were we fighting and he replied not at all. I sent him a couple of pictures on Sunday of something I was doing that I knew would interest him, not opened and finally a text asking him was he still alive on Monday. That text was sent but not delivered. One grey tick only. My initial thought was he had lost his phone/it had been stolen so reckoned I’d hear from him within 24 hours... still nothing, still not delivered, still no contact. This man not only uses his phone 14 hours a day for work but would use WhatsApp as his means of texting his kids/ family/friends... there’s not a chance he’s been off his phone since Sunday

Yesterday evening I text his brother to ask him was there something wrong, honestly at that stage I was concerned he was in an accident/ hospital, I get on very well with his brother and had no reason to assume he wouldn’t reply. He hasn’t.

So here I am, 52, ghosted by a man that told me last week he loved me and I can’t quite believe he’s been that disingenuous. I’m hurt, angry at both him for doing this and myself for allowing him to believe him. I just can’t understand how an adult male, mature, responsible, intelligent can think it’s right to do this to another person. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and so bloody stupid for believing what he’s told me.

On a side note! Just total curiosity, I’m not blocked on his WhatsApp, I can still see his profile picture but is there anyway of him stopping my texts getting delivered without blocking??? Not that it really matters, but I do like to understand things.

I’m not looking for any anything really, I think I just need to ‘tell’ someone, honestly I’m too embarrassed to tell my girlfriends yet as I feel like such an idiot, nobody likes to feel disposable and not worth at the very least a short conversation and very clearly that’s what I was to him. This day last week he was telling me he loved me. I just don’t understand.

Step away from the phone.

There’s nothing you can do, and if he’s decided to ghost you then he’s not worth the bother.

It’s not easy, but you are not helping yourself with worrying and waiting.

Hi OP

What a mess. I hope you can tell someone in real life soon and get some support. Was he spending a lot of time in the other country up until the lockdown? Could he have another relationship there?

As far as a I know, when you are blocked on WhatsApp it does exactly what it’s doing now - goes to one tick and stays there. My teenage daughter blocked me once and that’s what it did.

Sorry for this horrible situation

He sounds like a cowardly tosser. Or maybe he’s met someone out there. Either way you deserve much better than that. His loss!

I would phone his brother, use another number if you genuinely think that he won’t answer yours. Don’t be confrontational, just say that you haven’t heard anything from DP and you are desperately worried. Does he know what is going on?
Texts are for casual conversations and for organising meetings,. If you need genuine information you can tell a lot more by talking to someone!
I hope things work out for the best for you OP.

The 'are you still alive message' was passive aggressive. You'd already made your feelings clear. Also you contacted his brother after one day of no contact? Seriously? Take a step back. He chose to go away rather than be with you. That tells you everything you need to know.

@WeAreTheHeroes

The 'are you still alive message' was passive aggressive. You'd already made your feelings clear. Also you contacted his brother after one day of no contact? Seriously? Take a step back. He chose to go away rather than be with you. That tells you everything you need to know.

Why shouldn’t she challenge him not getting in touch? Is she meant to just lie down and passively accept the ghosting? Why?

So sorry you’re going through this OP.

Could something genuinely have happened to him? I would go with what the above OP has said and ring his brother

Don't feel stupid OP. You've done nothing wrong here

If your WA message is on one grey tick but you can still see his profile pic, then you're not blocked but your messages haven't delivered... so possible his phone is off or he's in a no signal area. When the messages come through though, he might wish they hadn't... asking him if he's still alive is - as a PP said - a bit passive aggressive.

I'm sure he'll get in touch with you, in the meantime find something to distract yourself and don't send any more messages!

After 18 months I’d assume the OP knows what is normal for their communication. I’d worry and contact relatives if my OH dropped off the planet for 24hrs. I hear from him a lot!
I’m sorry about this OP, if it was me I’d be gutted and I’d feel totally taken for a fool... 18 months is a long time to suddenly just be blocked overnight.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him if he's still alive, especially after you've been seeing him for this length of time. If you can still see his WA pic then you're not blocked. Have you tried calling him (I'm not suggesting you do this now) The fact it's only got 1 grey tick suggests his phone is either off or has no signal.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and your support. I do appreciate it. I’ve tried calling him but it goes directly to voicemail, that’s why I worried that something was wrong, had had an accident or the like. It’s not normal in our relationship to not hear from each other in 24 hours and for what it’s worth, we’re Irish....we do fabulous sarcasm, ‘are you alive or did u fall into a ditch’ would be a perfectly acceptable question!!
I’m the mother of 3 teenage boys and if they treated a girl like this I would be ashamed of their behaviour. Ghosting someone, especially after 18 months is in very simple terms disrespectful. It says to me, I’m not worth a short but difficult conversation. Thank you for your replies

Do you really think that after a relationship of this length the OP should be content with working that out for herself? By not wanting to look needy or, as she says herself, like Glenn Close, twonks like him are allowed to ghost with impunity.

My post above was for WeAreTheHeroes - quote function didn't work.

I'm with you @Sandra15

Why on earth after 18 months should the op just roll over and not be trying to find out where he's gone? And not want some kind of answer? She's worried. This is an established relationship. Hardly like it was a one night stand or bit of a brief dalliance.

Good luck @op I hope you get some resolution on what is happening

Agreed about the prevailing wisdom being to take it lying down being bullshit. Bollocks. Why should the OP? She’s allowed to rattle his shitty cage and attempt to get a response from him, it’s the ‘you look desperate’ threat that men and women use to prevent answering very basic questions or giving straight answers, because you should just immediately go into not caring zone?! Wtf.

It’s horribly cruel what he’s done - hope he gets the clap

I am so sorry op.
If it was me or one of my friends I would scream and cry and get it out and then make a list of all the things you would like to do for you -and start doing them. I know it sounds like a huge cliché but living your best will be the most satisfying way to get over this terrible betrayal.
I would also being saying regular prayers that bits of him dried up, shrivelled and fell off

My husband ghosted me after 20 years of marriage without any explanation and disappeared. i feel devastated and hurt and have no closure. I did my best to stay friends.
Some men are just cowards and/or can't be bothered to explain why the relationship has ended to you and don't care about your feelings. Looks like this is one of them.
I'd be glad I dodged a bullet here, he clearly isn't long term relationship material if he behaves like this.

OP, withhold your number and call him via normal calling not WhatsApp . Even If you are blocked on his phone it will go through as if you are not blocked. It will ring & not go to voicemail straight away.
Ignore the posters who say you are passive aggressive/needy etc. If he’s blocked you this is a despicable way to behave. I’m sure your kids are friendly/somewhat attached to him too by now & it’s 100% unacceptable.
I feel keenly for you, realise this is all on him & nothing to do with you as a person. If he’s blocked you he is a coward, a pig and not a good person.

It doesn't sound like you are blocked if you can see WA pic.

Are you certain he's okay / has he been online?

Have been in your shoes and it's very painful in the short term but in the long term i think it helps because you know you didnt lose any great prince if that is the cowardly way they end a relationship

Is he likely to have turned his phone off for 'space' or such nonsense? So many men pull this self indulgent crap.

The thing is though, although you say this isn't normal, all the signs since the day of his departure point to him pulling away from OP don't they, rather than some accident has befallen him?

It sounds like he was looking for an out and he's taken it sorry to say. Many threads on here of husbands of decades saying I love you one day and leaving you (often for someone else) the next. Him saying he loved you is often just rote by the end.

Sorry this is happening to you. I think you can safely say the relationship has ended.

WhatsApp works on 3G/wifi — is he tech savvy? Is it possible that he’s in an area with normal service and not the internet? I’m in Mexico at the moment and I often have cell service but not internet, so normal messages come through but not WhatsApp’s.

This is always such a horrible and disappointing feeling and seems to happen too often to those who really think the relationship is a solid one. Someone posted on another thread that having spoken to a male friend of hers often men ghost because the relationship just isn't going in the way they hoped. Behaviour is so telling when comparing it with what is said over text messages and over the phone. Making verbal promises but showing no changes or following through is an indication they aren't likely to ever change their ways. Ghosting hurts as it blindsides and all the worries and fears that were perhaps present at the beginning of the relationship that were thought to be gone are suddenly a reality. (speaking from experience too)
I think it's so important as someone else mentioned to 'step away from the phone' as hard as this is to do. When ghosted the likelihood of an answer or explanation is rare (but perhaps a possibility) but the more you text the less likely i believe it is he will reply. Being needy is a massive turn off, not that i am saying this is how you are but over-texting a ghoster will never end well i think it confirms even more in their minds they did the right thing.
Given this is how he has behaved he definitely isn't someone worthy of your time and your family. As you said you are independent, have great children and have a successful life and surely this was the case before he turned up and this should still be the case. Throw yourself into something that's just for you and leave him to his miserable life as clearly anyone who can simply ignore someone like that is not in a good place. His loss!