How could he ghost me

[Alexandradream]

I’m at a total loss....I’m a 52 year old mother of 4. Resilient, independent, and confident... how have I now turned into a hybrid of both a teenager feeling hurt and sad and can’t stop thinking about him combined with the need to hurt the fucker so badly I’m Glenn Close in fatal attraction!!!

I’ve been in a relationship with the most amazing man for the last 18 months. There was instant connection and chemistry on so many levels but having said that I didn’t get swept up and think it was my happy ever after for a long time. From the start of this year though, I really thought, yes, this has something special and we had talked about things being very long term, most of this narrative was lead by him. Both of us had been married for a long time and between us we have 9 children so we have a lot of baggage. We were both prepared to take things slowly.

Last Friday, he left to spend a week in another country. We are not in the UK and as such have lived in stricter lockdown conditions for the last 15 months. There were some issues with him going, we had previously discussed them and he knew where I stood. Briefly, it’s a country he has spent a lot of time in, it ticks all his boxes and given the pandemic he can do his job anywhere in the world. I felt if he went out for a week there was every chance that he would stay on longer and I could see a case where he ended up spending the summer over there. I’ve always said I can completely see the benefits for him, but given the travel restrictions in my country it just wasn’t tenable for me to commute currently.

He made no effort to contact me the day he left ( last Friday) in fact didn’t even open my WhatsApp texts. I got a couple of texts on Friday night when he landed, and a couple of texts on Saturday night. On Saturday I asked him were we fighting and he replied not at all. I sent him a couple of pictures on Sunday of something I was doing that I knew would interest him, not opened and finally a text asking him was he still alive on Monday. That text was sent but not delivered. One grey tick only. My initial thought was he had lost his phone/it had been stolen so reckoned I’d hear from him within 24 hours... still nothing, still not delivered, still no contact. This man not only uses his phone 14 hours a day for work but would use WhatsApp as his means of texting his kids/ family/friends... there’s not a chance he’s been off his phone since Sunday

Yesterday evening I text his brother to ask him was there something wrong, honestly at that stage I was concerned he was in an accident/ hospital, I get on very well with his brother and had no reason to assume he wouldn’t reply. He hasn’t.

So here I am, 52, ghosted by a man that told me last week he loved me and I can’t quite believe he’s been that disingenuous. I’m hurt, angry at both him for doing this and myself for allowing him to believe him. I just can’t understand how an adult male, mature, responsible, intelligent can think it’s right to do this to another person. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and so bloody stupid for believing what he’s told me.

On a side note! Just total curiosity, I’m not blocked on his WhatsApp, I can still see his profile picture but is there anyway of him stopping my texts getting delivered without blocking??? Not that it really matters, but I do like to understand things.

I’m not looking for any anything really, I think I just need to ‘tell’ someone, honestly I’m too embarrassed to tell my girlfriends yet as I feel like such an idiot, nobody likes to feel disposable and not worth at the very least a short conversation and very clearly that’s what I was to him. This day last week he was telling me he loved me. I just don’t understand.

@Maunderingdrunkenly

Agreed about the prevailing wisdom being to take it lying down being bullshit. Bollocks. Why should the OP? She’s allowed to rattle his shitty cage and attempt to get a response from him, it’s the ‘you look desperate’ threat that men and women use to prevent answering very basic questions or giving straight answers, because you should just immediately go into not caring zone?! Wtf.

It’s horribly cruel what he’s done - hope he gets the clap

This. I feel for you @Alexandradream Ghosting is a cowardly thing to do and is disrespectful. I hope you get the sniffleling coward to tconfirm he is alive but just a cowardly shi

I'm so sorry I read your update later.
Good luck with your future

The you knew what was going to happen when something shitty happens is such a typical thing.
It’s just a way of shifting the blame

You sound great op! Your dc clearly have more enotional intelligence. Heart sore but not heart broken. Id love a circle of good friends, Id take that over a relationship any day. 🍷

So sorry you're going through this OP.
You sound so lovely and are doing exactly the right thing. More fool him, he'll regret it one day, probably soon!!!

@Alexandradream so sorry op. What a shitty thing for him to do. Take time to be kind to yourself, in the knowledge that this is on him, not on you. Kind, decent men do not behave like this. He's shown his true colours in the most cowardly of ways.

@Alexandradream

Just to update... I can’t remember the poster that referenced the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy but it’s an insult to them!!! So, he made contact... I got a tester text, he was testing the waters so to speak, apparently ‘I knew’ what he’d end up doing and he’s had a lot to sort out! Yip, of course you do, emptying his rented flat in Dublin, sorting out arrangements with his ex wife re the children and moving countries in a week... yip thats a lot to sort out for sure.

I couldn’t even speak to him, I sent him a very calm voicemail telling him he’d pissed down my back while telling me it’s raining, been disingenuous, and his assumption that I would just fit in with his plans was both insulting and showed no regard for me. I’m heart sore but not heart broken, angry and hurt. I really really cared for him but I care for myself a little more. Had he spoken to me, had we worked out some kind of plan, I would have been on board. I have a full life with 4 kids, working, and a great set of friends and don’t need a man living in each other’s pockets. But not this way. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as a partner, I’m far from perfect but after a very emotionally abusive marriage I now know my worth. Once I’ve put my heart and pride back together, I’ll be joining the dating thread !!!

Thank you again, I know compared to some I’ve had a lucky escape and he’s shown me who he is, I know I’ll hear from him again and I know what we had was pretty spectacular on so many levels, we did just work and he’ll realise how special it was and yes, it will hard for me to meet someone that I feel so comfortable with but there are some things that are too big to compromise on.

Oh OP, I am so sorry. You are being tremendously strong about this - it must be such a shock! And what a dick he is saying “You knew what would happen” - what are you meant to be, some sort of mind reader with a crystal ball and a specialism in predicting the utter pathetic fuck-wittery of man-boys?

I think you are absolutely right to think of getting back on the dating horse as soon as you feel ready - you don’t have to enter into anything serious right away, but at least it will give you some distraction and a bit of a boost.....

Meanwhile, some advice from my life coach that really helped me when I was reeling from my narcissistic ex kicking me out without warning..... I was really struggling to obsess over all the good memories - I felt genuinely tormented by them. Life-coach told me to stop thinking about them but I said I couldn’t as my memories were all I had left of him and I didn’t want to lose them. So he told me, every time I thought about the good memories, to make the picture very small in my imagination, and in black and white. I know it sounds weird, but every time I thought of a happy memory with the ex from that point on, this was how I did it, and they really lost the power to hurt and torment me......

Venting is also really helpful. On here, to friends and family, to random strangers you meet on the bus if they are amenable! I did all that too. Called my ex all things under the sun. It really helped. For me, I was in shock and confused at first. I had to get to a position of really really hating his guts before I could move on.....

Good luck OP - you are awesome!

@C0nstance
Have complete empathy for you
This happened to me - very intense - loads of lovely compliments even talked about living together and then he ghosted me as he had met someone else. I am still not over the pain.
I love your wording
'But by ghosting me, he speeded up the pain. I felt so so so rejected and sad and depressed and shocked and the world lost its axis for a while.'
This is how I am feeling 5 months on
It does not have any bearing how long you have been with someone it is the intensity of the relationship, the expectations and then the utter shock of betrayal and rejection

@TheFunBus it took me ages to see the manipulation with someone i dated he was doing absolutely this. He’d say exactly what i wanted to hear when we were together or over text shortly after we’d seen each other but would almost never follow through on plans we made. We saw each other last in April and chatted about him visiting for a weekend (we don’t live close) he’s come before very early on into the ‘relationship’ so i assumed and very much hoped that we were on. Not heard anything from him now for 6weeks. I’ve luckily managed to stay strong after caving numerous times in the past and txting him only to get the answer i really wanted which would keep me quiet for a while then we’d see each other (on his terms) then silence again and the cycle would repeat again. This time i can honestly say i’ve had enough and i am far happier (taken a while) not having to worry/wonder whats going on it’s just done and i have to accept it. A lot of the disappointment came from the future you can imagine having with them and the fact that in the beginning things seem magical especially when chemistry is there and you genuinely feel your connection with them is real and like no other. And they ‘obviously’ feel the same! But like you say ‘onwards and upwards’
@Alexandradream I think you definitely sound like you’ve a great life! 4 kids is amazing, i’ve 1 and they bring a lot of joy (and a lot of chaos). Your life is still yours and you’ve an adventure with all that your kids will be getting up to as well. 100% his loss! I also think like you in that i would never treat someone that way so why would someone to do that me. We just can’t expect our behaviour and mindset to be the very same as someone else’s. Hope you’re feeling a little better. Have you felt up to confiding in any of your close friends yet?

@Lovelydiscusfish
What a good and practical idea. I’m going to try that

I'm an Alexandra too so from one to another, good luck without this idiot who doesn't deserve you.

[quote Taliskerskye]@Lovelydiscusfish
What a good and practical idea. I’m going to try that[/quote]
I really found it invaluable! I wonder if I’m part it works because it feels like you are controlling the memories, rather than them controlling you, if that makes sense.....

Reading the different women’s experiences on this thread, it’s shocking how many men feel they can get away with this type of behaviour, basically behaving as if we don’t have any feelings or capacity to be hurt..... I always thought I had had especially bad luck with men (I have quite a few failed relationships behind me), but now I am starting to wonder if it’s just that there are a lot of selfish wankers - and maybe the ease with which people can find new love interests now through dating apps etc, encourages them to treat us like easily replaceable commodities.....

But one lovely thing about this thread is the way everyone has been so kind and supportive to OP and each other, and happy to share their wisdom and experiences. Female solidarity at its best!

Tho I am dating someone again now, and he genuinely seems like a lovely fella so far (10 months), I have decided that I have reached a point in my life where my relationships with friends, family and my kid are more important to me than any man, and are what I am going to prioritise going forwards. I am sure I will be hurt to some extent again by men in the future, but never again am I going to hand over my entire heart to be trampled upon - always keeping my powder dry from now on!

It is sad that so many amazing sounding women on here have been treated so badly by men. I’ve read through all the posts and have taken all your advice and thoughts on board. I do come across in real life a someone that totally has her shit together, but like everyone, underneath it all I have a huge heart and am as soft as a cloud.. I’m so sad, so hurt and I know time will be the only thing that really helps. I will look back and realise that a second man that doesn’t appreciate me is one too many.

I now know that he obviously had this planned way in advance, he had spent the whole weekend with his mom visiting family last week, he’s had to make plans with his kids, he has a very good relationship with them and he’d never have moved without talking it through with them and his ex. He said he’d like to talk to me tonight and while I really really want to, I can’t.

Currently I want to both kiss the face off him while beating him up!

I’ll talk to my friends over the weekend, stupidly I feel mostly embarrassed that I was duped by him. I know they will be supportive and give me a very honest dose of reality, but today, I’m finding it really difficult to turn off the feelings I had for him.

So he went knowing that he wasn't returning?
Jesus what a shit bag. Do you think he was secretly planning this permanent move? Do you think he was under the impression that you would visit him or that he was planning on dumping you? He seems to have arranged alot very quickly, that's why I'm wondering if he's been secretly planning and organising, been from Dublin myself I know how hard it is to get moving people in and even more so with still so much locked down. I hope you're ok

Sorry crossed post, I was slower typing than I thought

@Alexandradream I do hope you have a good weekend with your mates. Do tell us what they say. I've learned more in three months on Mumsnet about men and how they operate than in my previous 21 years of dating.

@Lipz… he was renting a furnished apartment.. so really only his personal belongings to move out.. I do believe now he planned this in advance, not even a 21 year old can up sticks in a few days.. he’s a dad of 5 with a very close relationship with his family, he at the very least spoke to them about his plans.

I think he hoped that presenting it as a done deal meant I would commute and the relationship would continue. I’ve said I would have been open to that had we not been living in a global pandemic with things changing almost daily. Look at how the UK have taken Portugal off the green list… could you imagine being with him for a long weekend and hearing that, the stress of trying to get home before hotel quarantine began… things are just too uncertain for that to be viable. However the issue now isn’t that he’s living in another country, the issue is how he behaved around him moving and the week of his move.

I’m very torn between ripping him a new one on the phone or bidding my time. I do know he’ll realise what he's fucked up and right now my ego needs to get that text or call from him saying he knows what he’s missed. I also know that’s only because I’m so hurt right now and ultimately a text like that has no value from a disingenuous man.

It’s 100% over for me. But it is hard to yet again give up on the future we had planned..

@Alexandradream please please don't feel embarrassed. I've got a v high powered job in the city and I got duped by a man like this. My overwhelming feeling like yours was embarrassment that I could be such an idiot for falling for it. But then I realised that men who do this are enormously skilled at being manipulative and that their behaviour is a complete reflection on them not you. I just thank god I didn't tell anyone from work about him!

@Naimee87 it does take a while doesn't it.

I think women like us are positive and hopeful and we naturally try and see the best in people. Men like this are devious and manipulative and ultimately entirely focused on their own needs. Takes a bit of time to recover when you've been hurt but don't let it dampen your spirit x

@TheFunBus.. he’s a similar high flyer and unfortunately among his hedge fund peers this kind of behaviour is totally acceptable. However we’d had the conversation about how that lifestyle no longer made him happy and he wanted a long term relationship. Obviously a lot of our thing happened during lockdown so the usual fancy restaurants and bars, which I admit I also like, were replaced by dates at home which he said even when things were opened again we’d still do regularly we had so much fun..

Just wondering how long it took you to not feel lol you had been punched in the stomach and not get that adrenaline surge when his pictures come up on my ‘on this day’ ???

My daughter starts her leaving cert next week, for Irish school kids this is the final exam and you’re entrance to university depends almost entirely on the results.. it’s huge pressure and I just can’t go to pieces for her sake.. for all my big girls talk I’m totally floored

OP, have done one of my regular name changes, but commented a few times up the thread before your update. I just wanted to say sincerely that you sound great, and that the fucker couldn’t have timed his flit more up helpfully with your daughter’s Leaving on the horizon. I know you need to be strong for her, but do try to overcome the embarrassment — which I completely understand — and open up to a friend. None of this is on you. We’ve all completely misread someone like this in relationships, or gifted him with our own honesty or generosity, and been gutted when he demonstrates all too clearly he’s none of these things.

@TheFunBus I think nice doesn’t get us far anymore these days! I don’t know how i’ve got myself so calm being ‘single’ but i’m finally in a good place! I’ve learnt so much from these previous idiots that i’m enjoying life more now. Accepting situations you aren’t in control of is hard but it’s worth it. I’m sure i’ll be back in the thick of it but i’m certainly not chasing anyone who doesn’t treat me how i want to be treated! No matter how fit they are or how much i’d love to tear their clothes off

That's terrible timing. Im cross on your behalf!!
My dc1 also doing her LC next week and Id be raging at the sheer thoughtlessness of a father who left you so shocked and confused when you need to support a teen through the leaving cert next week
Argh.

What a cunt.

Op, this is not about you at all. It's about what a complete and utter waste of skin he is, and it's just such a shame he hid that for so long.

Hit him where it will really hurt - because these people LOVE significance, good or bad.

Block him everywhere. Do it now.

If he ever does weasel his way through, respond with 'I don't know you' and block again. Even if you are face to face (must be done with an air of genuine confusion, as though he's a total stranger).

It's true, you didn't know him. Until now.

@Alexandradream it took a long time and at first I felt dreadful but as time went by, I did get stronger and stronger. At the time it didn't feel it - but I can see it looking back in time. I also wrote a diary through that time - first time I've ever done that. 6 months later I looked back and wondered why I had spent so much time on the useless sod! I took strength from my kids too tbh - knowing you have to be strong for them is a really powerful thing. I would say 6 months it took though and even now reading your thread gave me a twang inside!

Ps not surprised he's a hedge fund guy - makes sense. Bet he'll tell you he's really sorry and didn't mean to hurt you soon if he hasn't already!