How could he ghost me

[Alexandradream]

I’m at a total loss....I’m a 52 year old mother of 4. Resilient, independent, and confident... how have I now turned into a hybrid of both a teenager feeling hurt and sad and can’t stop thinking about him combined with the need to hurt the fucker so badly I’m Glenn Close in fatal attraction!!!

I’ve been in a relationship with the most amazing man for the last 18 months. There was instant connection and chemistry on so many levels but having said that I didn’t get swept up and think it was my happy ever after for a long time. From the start of this year though, I really thought, yes, this has something special and we had talked about things being very long term, most of this narrative was lead by him. Both of us had been married for a long time and between us we have 9 children so we have a lot of baggage. We were both prepared to take things slowly.

Last Friday, he left to spend a week in another country. We are not in the UK and as such have lived in stricter lockdown conditions for the last 15 months. There were some issues with him going, we had previously discussed them and he knew where I stood. Briefly, it’s a country he has spent a lot of time in, it ticks all his boxes and given the pandemic he can do his job anywhere in the world. I felt if he went out for a week there was every chance that he would stay on longer and I could see a case where he ended up spending the summer over there. I’ve always said I can completely see the benefits for him, but given the travel restrictions in my country it just wasn’t tenable for me to commute currently.

He made no effort to contact me the day he left ( last Friday) in fact didn’t even open my WhatsApp texts. I got a couple of texts on Friday night when he landed, and a couple of texts on Saturday night. On Saturday I asked him were we fighting and he replied not at all. I sent him a couple of pictures on Sunday of something I was doing that I knew would interest him, not opened and finally a text asking him was he still alive on Monday. That text was sent but not delivered. One grey tick only. My initial thought was he had lost his phone/it had been stolen so reckoned I’d hear from him within 24 hours... still nothing, still not delivered, still no contact. This man not only uses his phone 14 hours a day for work but would use WhatsApp as his means of texting his kids/ family/friends... there’s not a chance he’s been off his phone since Sunday

Yesterday evening I text his brother to ask him was there something wrong, honestly at that stage I was concerned he was in an accident/ hospital, I get on very well with his brother and had no reason to assume he wouldn’t reply. He hasn’t.

So here I am, 52, ghosted by a man that told me last week he loved me and I can’t quite believe he’s been that disingenuous. I’m hurt, angry at both him for doing this and myself for allowing him to believe him. I just can’t understand how an adult male, mature, responsible, intelligent can think it’s right to do this to another person. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and so bloody stupid for believing what he’s told me.

On a side note! Just total curiosity, I’m not blocked on his WhatsApp, I can still see his profile picture but is there anyway of him stopping my texts getting delivered without blocking??? Not that it really matters, but I do like to understand things.

I’m not looking for any anything really, I think I just need to ‘tell’ someone, honestly I’m too embarrassed to tell my girlfriends yet as I feel like such an idiot, nobody likes to feel disposable and not worth at the very least a short conversation and very clearly that’s what I was to him. This day last week he was telling me he loved me. I just don’t understand.

OP, from your first post it sounds as if there’s a bit of background. You say there were ‘issues’ about him going for a week to this other country, because you thought it was likely that if he went for a week he would stay all summer? That sounds slightly strange to me — why did you think this? Where are his children if they’re not with him? And you say that commuting isn’t possible for you because you’re in Ireland — but isn’t he in Ireland too?

Again thank you. I do know I’ve had a lucky escape if this if the kind of integrity he has.

Just to answer a few queries he definitely hasn’t got a relationship over there unless he has been having a long distance online affair ( which I know is possible) as he hasn’t left the city in which we live since February 2020. Given our children, lockdown and all the other personal commitments most adults in their 50’s have, we never lived in each other’s pockets. We saw each other usually 3 times a fortnight, spoke/ text daily, always stayed over, it suited us both that level of contact. But my dressing gown is over the chair in his bedroom and I’ve a key to his house so very much an exclusive, committed relationship. I know he’s really struggled with the lockdown, hes got a very high flyer type job and he’s gone from travelling the world to living and working on the phone 14 hours a day, at home, it’s made his job much more challenging and he’s under huge pressure. His ex wife, with whom he still has a very kind and respectful relationship is having tests for some serious health issues which could impact him hugely, on top of the normal stresses of parenting 4 teenagers/ looking after elderly parent I know he’s ‘fed up’ and had he told me he needed to take some time out I’d have accepted it. I’m no drama queen, I’ve been through a very unhappy marriage and a nasty, protracted divorce and I’ve learnt to be very tolerant and patient as a result. He knows all this, in fact one of the things he admired about me was my ability to remain calm and deal with things in an upfront/no bullshit manner. So had he been honest and said he need to go away for a week I would have understood. I know in a few weeks, I’ll be feeling less vulnerable, less hurt but as I said I haven’t told my friends yet, right now it’s very raw, I’m very confused and while far, far from perfect, I’d never treat another person in such an unfeeling/ hurtful way.

Neither of us have our last seen status active, both of us for work reasons. It’s always been the case. However, he has times when he contacts his kids/ family. He’s non resident parent so every morning he has 15/20 minutes actually built into his calendar when he chats/ have a good day type texts before they go to school/ college and the same in the evening. Always on WhatsApp. I have checked my phone at these times and he’s not online.

I have decided not to call or text his brother nor make any further attempt to contact him at the moment.

I’m pleased other people have come on to say that the OP isn’t being needy by seeking an explanation...... If this was done to me the fella would have about 90000 missed calls from me by now (now I AM needy!).

She knows what is a normal level of contact in her relationship and has stated they do not normally go 24 hours without contact. So she’s perfectly right to flag it up and seek an explanation in my opinion.

Could it by any possibility be that he is having trouble charging his phone? My boyfriend and I have both had this - our previous phones were quite old and quite knackered and one day just gave up the ghost - but in each case we did email to explain this, so the other one wouldn’t think they were being ghosted.....

I would ring the brother I think. I wouldn’t be concerned about any “humiliation” aspect as you are doing nothing wrong - he is! And even if he does look down on you for trying to make contact, frankly, who gives a fuck what he thinks at this point?

I know all the received advice is that when a man leans back, you should too. I tried that (on and off) for about two years in my relationship with my narcissistic ex. And yeah, to an extent it worked - certainly after he dumped me and I met someone else and was no longer interested, he decided he loved me and couldn’t live without me.... But really it was a total waste of time, because frankly, who wants a man you need to play games with in order to make him want you? The game isn’t worth the candle.....

I decided at that point that the man who deserves to be with me is one to whom I can show myself fully, needy bits and occasional desire for reassurance and all....

@MinorCharacter he had talked previously about him upping sticks and moving for 6 months until we were over the worst of lockdown. He saw it as very easy for me to come over for a long weekend every month. This was several months ago and to comply with the current rules I’d have had to isolate for 14 days, this just wouldn’t work with my children. He offered to pay for flights/ all COVID tests. His children are old enough to travel over and back on their own (13-20) and to be honest, it’s a place all his kids have spent many holidays in, there is loads for the, to do, things are much more open there than currently in Ireland and I know how much my kids ( similar ages) have missed out on, if they got a chance to spend a month in the sun, playing sport, going out for lunch or dinner they would jump at it. I did say I’d no issue if we were living in normal times, but in the middle of a pandemic it was just too risky. I couldn’t take a chance I would get a positive test that would prevent me returning home. His brother and his kids are going out for a month next week and my gut just told me it was a possibility that he would stay on, next thing his kids would be on the way over as they are similar ages to their cousins... it was a gut feeling nothing more but based on what he had suggested previously.

I have been ghosted 4 times by the same man. Its disgusting shitty behaviour and all about "them". Its taken me a long time to get over it. I did confront him the last time knocking on his front door and got the lame excuses about not being able to deal with things, that's how he copes with stuff, blah, blah, blah. My friends told me I should not have confronted him but I wanted to do what normal human beings should do. Total selfish cruel behaviour from a man-child. Strange how he didn't have issues with having affairs/one-night stands and could cope with that. Find out if he is still alive and if he is dump him!

@Notabunnyboiler

I have been ghosted 4 times by the same man. Its disgusting shitty behaviour and all about "them". Its taken me a long time to get over it. I did confront him the last time knocking on his front door and got the lame excuses about not being able to deal with things, that's how he copes with stuff, blah, blah, blah. My friends told me I should not have confronted him but I wanted to do what normal human beings should do. Total selfish cruel behaviour from a man-child. Strange how he didn't have issues with having affairs/one-night stands and could cope with that. Find out if he is still alive and if he is dump him!

This is awful! You poor thing. I hope you finally find the strength to walk away and find someone who is man enough to deserve you!

The trouble is it’s so sapping of one’s confidence when it happened again and again. But seriously. There is hope out there. You are better than this cowardly tosser!

And you did the right thing in confronting him - why should we make it easy for these fuck-wits? Why shouldn’t he have to answer for his own appalling actions?

Oh, I get you on restrictions, OP I'm in Ireland, too but I can't believe he thought you could somehow circumvent quarantine in order to have a long weekend in another country in order to see him, even if you fancied taking an unnecessary flight in a pandemic. That sounds more than cavalier, it sounds fairly irresponsible. Though that still doesn't explain him going silent now -- unless he's decided to stay on in the other country medium longterm, as you foresaw, and is apprehensive about your reaction, so is being an ostrich? I mean, do you view him going away for several months as the end of the relationship from your POV?

Ghosting is horrible, really horrible. And you know what, I don't think it's rare in our age group (I'm a similar age to you).

As others have said, it's a coward's way out.

I won't bore you with the long version of my experience but I got ghosted by someone who I had been seeing a while. I just woke up one day and was blocked. And when he chose to unblock me, when he obviously decided that he hadn't found something better, he told me a whopping great lie that his mum had died and he had had to organise the funeral to try and get me to feel sorry for him. Luckily I saw through this (and actually it was even more hurtful as my mum had died only a few years ago and his was actually alive).

I look back now and think I had a lucky escape. I think he had some serious mental health problems - pathological liar, low self esteem, ability to just compartmentalise his life and just put (people like me) to one side. I'm not sure he ever really made a connection with me. I felt like he did but it was obvious with hindsight that it was a short term thrill and once I started scratching the surface and realising his vulnerabilities, I got tossed to one side. It's like a drug - the early part of a relationship. The teenage feeling you describe. Long term relationships are harder and it's at this point they bail and look for the next teenage thrill.

Good luck with everything. I hope it's not a ghosting and is something more simple but if it is, remember, it's not about you, it's about them.

That’s so awful, I’m so sorry. It sounds like he’s just decided to take space from you and is a total jerk to not say this to you. There’s nothing crueler than refusing to talk it through.

@MinorCharacter yes ostrich is probably what he’s doing right now! I had always said I’d no problem with him going away, in fact given his job, the possibility of him working abroad in the future was very real. I had a problem with him going away for 6 months and not seeing him! And while he could get a letter from his work saying he was relocating to their office abroad, the reality of commuting during the pandemic made it not viable for me to travel. Had this been ‘ normal’ times it wouldn’t have been an issue, in fact I work in the travel world so flights are not alone cheap but hopping on a flight is not a problem for me. The issue now is much bigger, and yes it’s over as far as I’m concerned. Ive just spoken to one of my girls, she’s horribly angry with him but reckons the reason I’m not blocked (assuming I’m not because pic still visible) is because he will contact me again. Sad and all as it is to admit, I’m not ready to block him yet, I desperately want to know what happened even though my head already knows it will be utter bollix talk and I’m not going to believe him. I think when the hurt lessens, I’ll block him. I’m just really sad, I miss what we had, the lovely plans we had made. I’ve already cancelled the beautiful country house hotel we had booked for the beginning of July. Thank you all for your advice.

@Notabunnyboiler so happy to hear i'm not the only one that this has happened to... i just kept believing the messages i was getting and not seeing his behaviour for what it was. Perhaps i judged a little harshly on the 'wanting to find out what happened' in this particular case as of course everyone know's what they personally need/and should do to make themselves feel a little better. I just know from previous attempts i've never had any success getting reasons it's just been a case of 'he's just wasn't that into me anymore.' This relationship does sound far more advanced though and far more 'grown-up' than mine so I can't attribute too many similarties. I just find it so hard to hear about these ghosting stories as they leave SO many unanswered questions and take far longer to get over than when conversations are had feelings/thoughts are admitted and discussed.

So sorry you are dealing with this, I don’t understand why people feel the need to ghost, why not just be honest, it causes people more hurt in the long run. OP I think you should take this as a lucky escape, as it really says a lot about his character.

If the picture is there on What’s App then you can’t possibly be blocked. Are you sure he hasn’t lost the phone?

I hope it was him who paid the deposit for the country house and not you!

How embarrassing for him to have his gf text his brother! I wouldn’t be sending repeated messages to anyone 2 changes and it’s done

OP, you can be blocked on WhatsApp and still see a profile picture. What you will not be able to see, if blocked, are any changes made to a profile picture. So if your partner updates his profile picture you will not see this.
Also, if you can see when he is 'online' you are not blocked. This is true even if you have both turned off your 'last seen' status.

@IEat

How embarrassing for him to have his gf text his brother! I wouldn’t be sending repeated messages to anyone 2 changes and it’s done

Well good - let’s hope he is embarrassed!

As PP has said, if you can see his photo, you aren't blocked. Could there be issues with his phone, his travel or could he even be in trouble? I'd sent a text to his brother and check if he's heard from him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, either way it's a horrible thing to go through. Do you have real life support too?

@AmayaGirl

OP, you can be blocked on WhatsApp and still see a profile picture. What you will not be able to see, if blocked, are any changes made to a profile picture. So if your partner updates his profile picture you will not see this. Also, if you can see when he is 'online' you are not blocked. This is true even if you have both turned off your 'last seen' status.

This was my understanding too. It’s a change in profile pic you wouldn’t be able to see. (Which is very little help really - how the fuck would you know if he had changed it anyway?)

Unless he generally only uses his phone to contact you it seems implausible he’d have had it off for so long, for the messages not to even deliver. Unless something has happened to the phone of course.

Would he have other means to contact you it so? Do you guys ever email for example?

Lovelydiscusfish. Thank you so much for your kind words. I won’t ever forget what he did but some days are better than others. I feel better knowing I’m not the only one

@IEat

How embarrassing for him to have his gf text his brother! I wouldn’t be sending repeated messages to anyone 2 changes and it’s done

Eh? So the op should be worrying about being embarrassing? Give your head a wobble. She's worried about him- and after 18 months of being together I think him being "embarrassed" is the last thing on op's mind! She's not some tweeny bopper lamenting a one night stand, or someone she's held hands with for a week in the park. This is a fifty something woman who has been with the same man for a year and a half and deserves a bit of respect from this guy.

God what an awful thing to do. I really don’t understand humans sometimes
The only positive I can think is that you didn’t waste anymore of your life on him
Doesn’t matter if he lost his phone. He could find an Internet cafe and email you.
It’s just so disrespectful, I would 100% talk to your friends and don’t ever be embarrassed it is not your fault.

I'm really sorry OP - my post was harsh and unsympathetic. I completely missed that you'd been together for 18 months and I do think he owes you a response. He's showing you by his actions that something has changed for him I think.

Why on earth are you assuming he’s ghosting you? He could have lost his phone or charger. Cancelling your holiday is OTT and you’re going to be embarrassed about that if there turns out to be a reasonable explanation.

Chailatteplease I read it that he's been pulling back for some time it seems. It isn't out of the blue.