How could he ghost me

[Alexandradream]

I’m at a total loss....I’m a 52 year old mother of 4. Resilient, independent, and confident... how have I now turned into a hybrid of both a teenager feeling hurt and sad and can’t stop thinking about him combined with the need to hurt the fucker so badly I’m Glenn Close in fatal attraction!!!

I’ve been in a relationship with the most amazing man for the last 18 months. There was instant connection and chemistry on so many levels but having said that I didn’t get swept up and think it was my happy ever after for a long time. From the start of this year though, I really thought, yes, this has something special and we had talked about things being very long term, most of this narrative was lead by him. Both of us had been married for a long time and between us we have 9 children so we have a lot of baggage. We were both prepared to take things slowly.

Last Friday, he left to spend a week in another country. We are not in the UK and as such have lived in stricter lockdown conditions for the last 15 months. There were some issues with him going, we had previously discussed them and he knew where I stood. Briefly, it’s a country he has spent a lot of time in, it ticks all his boxes and given the pandemic he can do his job anywhere in the world. I felt if he went out for a week there was every chance that he would stay on longer and I could see a case where he ended up spending the summer over there. I’ve always said I can completely see the benefits for him, but given the travel restrictions in my country it just wasn’t tenable for me to commute currently.

He made no effort to contact me the day he left ( last Friday) in fact didn’t even open my WhatsApp texts. I got a couple of texts on Friday night when he landed, and a couple of texts on Saturday night. On Saturday I asked him were we fighting and he replied not at all. I sent him a couple of pictures on Sunday of something I was doing that I knew would interest him, not opened and finally a text asking him was he still alive on Monday. That text was sent but not delivered. One grey tick only. My initial thought was he had lost his phone/it had been stolen so reckoned I’d hear from him within 24 hours... still nothing, still not delivered, still no contact. This man not only uses his phone 14 hours a day for work but would use WhatsApp as his means of texting his kids/ family/friends... there’s not a chance he’s been off his phone since Sunday

Yesterday evening I text his brother to ask him was there something wrong, honestly at that stage I was concerned he was in an accident/ hospital, I get on very well with his brother and had no reason to assume he wouldn’t reply. He hasn’t.

So here I am, 52, ghosted by a man that told me last week he loved me and I can’t quite believe he’s been that disingenuous. I’m hurt, angry at both him for doing this and myself for allowing him to believe him. I just can’t understand how an adult male, mature, responsible, intelligent can think it’s right to do this to another person. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and so bloody stupid for believing what he’s told me.

On a side note! Just total curiosity, I’m not blocked on his WhatsApp, I can still see his profile picture but is there anyway of him stopping my texts getting delivered without blocking??? Not that it really matters, but I do like to understand things.

I’m not looking for any anything really, I think I just need to ‘tell’ someone, honestly I’m too embarrassed to tell my girlfriends yet as I feel like such an idiot, nobody likes to feel disposable and not worth at the very least a short conversation and very clearly that’s what I was to him. This day last week he was telling me he loved me. I just don’t understand.

@tinysundancer

I am in my late 40's and was ghosted too - funny that you mentioned fatal attraction as I have been thinking of that film too and feel sorry empathy for her. Turned out my ghoster was with another woman 15 years younger than me. Ghosting someone is very cruel - it leaves you feeling worthless and lost. I guess no one likes having to end a relationship and this is the easy way out. I really feel for you as this has put me off relationships for life and really affected my mental health

I agree with your comments on ghosting but Glenn Close wasn't ghosted, she had a mucky weekend with Michael Douglas, pestered him to see her which he did, then cut her wrists when he left. She also asked him to the theatre and he told her No. That wasn't ghosting, she bonked a married man who said it was just a fling and she wouldn't have any of it!

@Sandra15
Very true - she was delusional - thought he cared for her and would leave his wife / felt used - no Michael actually did the decent thing and told her straight! That was a case of a bad choice of a one night stand !

@IEat

How embarrassing for him to have his gf text his brother! I wouldn’t be sending repeated messages to anyone 2 changes and it’s done

not as embarrassing as having the emotional maturity of a 13 year old in middle age.

I don't have much to add but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. You haven't done anything wrong, I can't believe he would ghost you after all this time, says a lot about him

I was ghosted by a ltr partner, we lived together and I come home one day to find half my house gone. He had arranged for a friend to help him move all his stuff out while I was at work. First I knew of it is when my mum called asking why he has dropped a key at hers. We had been together 5 years.
It was really hard, but I learned that in this life you have to provide your own closure. It doesn't matter why he ended it, and I'm not saying there is anything right by ending it this way. There isn't, it's gutless, cowardly, disrespectful and painful. But on the same note that's what I had to hold onto. That he had ended it and whatever his reasons were didn't matter, it was over. In a way the fact that he had done it so horribly made it easier, it meant I knew how little, myself and our relationship meant to him. Once I realised that it meant that, there was no way i was going to obsess over the why's. It just meant I had to realise and accept quite quickly that he was not the sort of man who deserved me in any way shape or form and there for I just had to thank God and move on.

He did contact me again, about 3 months later I received a text message, apologising, telling me he has missed me and that he felt such a cxxt for what he had done. I replied the next day with a breezey 'im not suprised you feel a cxxt, it was a pretty cxxtish thing to do but I'm sure you'll learn to live with that' then I thanked him and let him know it was the best thing he ever did for me, so assured him not to worry that I was happy and thriving without him. I shut down any further communication and blocked him. I was in NO way over it by then but I was not going to let him know that.

Tbh, we have a mutual friend and I know for a fact that he still asks about me on occasion, all these years later. I never think about him at all now. The hurt does go op but I know it feels so bad right now.

And I'm in no way needy but I agree with the other poster saying it's not acceptable to not contact you. If he isn't ghosting you and something simple has happened he should absolutely have found a way to contact you. Common couertosy would require him to get in touch, the fact that he hasn't tells you everything. You know something is wrong, don't feel stupid this says alot more about him than it does you.

Wow. What a coward. He has to live with that shitty thing he did.

Like i said upthread,, i think being ghosted is horrendous in the short term but in the long term u know how cowardly they were, how unable to communicate

@ALittleBitConfused1
I really like your post it’s extremely helpful and i wish i could have read it a few months back. My situation was very different but i think like you say the ‘why’s’ don’t really matter. The behaviour says everything. You must be incredibly strong to have been able deal with what happened to you so
rationally! It’s all too easy to cave these days and completely lose your self-worth chasing after
someone who was never worth it in the first place. (not referencing OP here, just my thoughts on this particular post) I’ll be re-reading your message to ensure that if i ever find myself questioning a man’s intentions and buying excuses for
confusing behaviour i’ll swiftly be checking right
out, leaving it in the past.

My experience isn't as bad because the relationship was new, but after 8 weeks with this guy and it was very romantic and intense and it all felt so wonderful, he went to Spain and then ghosted me.

The ghosting hurt so much more than just getting a whatsapp to say something like ''now that I'm home I realise this isn't what I want and I'm sorry to hurt you but it's over'' I would have pined after this wonderful man and wonderful relationship for ever.

But by ghosting me, he speeded up the pain. I felt so so so rejected and sad and depressed and shocked and the world lost its axis for a while.

But then, when I did start to heal, I really really got over him. SO over him, if I ever ran in to him, I'd feel nothing. If he had broken it off with me with respect, I would have spent a long time longing to get back with him.

Also because he ghosted me, after a while, things in my subconsciousness floated to the forefront. I had a mortgage and he had been turned down for a mortgage and he was very bitter about that and I thought I'd seen real anger on his face (at me) for a second before he changed the subject. Then, my son could beat his grandfather at chess and his son was a similar age but couldn't concentrate on the chess game. I remembered a weird contemptuous look on his face like I hadn't a clue what it was like to parent a child on the spectrum. my son also had autism, but I felt like this man kind of hated that my son was less severely affected, overtly.

A lot of other things came to the fore front of my consciousness after I'd got over the shock and the end result was that despite it having been 8 of the 'headiest' weeks of my life, now I'm left with a numb feeling when I remember it. I have no fear of running in to him because after processing it all, he's like a hologram to me. Can't really explain it but that's how I feel now.

@C0nstance not really normal to feel so crushed after 8 weeks with someone tbf

@ALittleBitConfused1 I had the same happen to me. I had been with the guy just short of a year, we lived together...came home from work one Sunday evening and he'd taken all his stuff and run back to his mother's (we were both 24).

I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life. I called his mother and told her that if he didn't return the stereo he'd bought me the month before for my birthday within 2 hours, I was calling the Police - I meant it, too. He bought it back, I made him give me the rent money for the next 3 months and then told him to piss off.

I ran into him outside my new city centre flat about 18 months later. I invited him, we had a pleasant chat...he came around a couple of other times, he started talking about us 'trying again'. I then moved and didn't bother to let him know. This was before mobiles and I was ex-directory...27 years later and I smile at the thought of him turning up and realising that I'd vanished...

[quote lostitall]@C0nstance not really normal to feel so crushed after 8 weeks with someone tbf [/quote]
I disagree, because it was new and intense. I didnt feel the rug was ripped out from under my whole life, and it didnt destroy my self-esteem, but it was so shocking. Hurtful, confusing, disappointing and very, very shocking.
I think my reaction to being treated with such a lack of respect was healthy and normal.

@lostitall tbf ...you can't decide that for someone else.

[quote lostitall]@C0nstance not really normal to feel so crushed after 8 weeks with someone tbf [/quote]
I know someone who was engaged after a month and married after another five months.

@Sandra15 and that certainly isn't healthy either

You'd have to be a robot not to be shocked and upset that somebody you'd been very happily dating for 8 weeks cut off all communication. It's possible to feel very close to somebody after 8 weeks.

I dealt with the shock. I learnt from the experience. I didnt date anybody else online after that though. I didnt so much as miss a day's work. So I think @lostitall is confusing have a strongly felt emotional reaction with falling apart. Oh well.

@C0nstance I'd have been the same! Sometimes I've dated someone for a few months and part of the grief is the loss of what you had hoped it could become or the potential.

It can be hard enough to meet someone you like enough to date them for 8 weeks, never mind managing to meet someone who you have an intense connection with. So to finally find that, start to let your guard down only for it to disappear overnight can be crushing.

Not to mention the thought of going back to square one with dating again.

I can't begin to imagine who OP is feeling after all this time

Sorry didnt mean the winky emoji!!!!

[quote lostitall]@Sandra15 and that certainly isn't healthy either [/quote]
No I don't think it is either, and I wasn't advocating it. Rather, illustrating that people do get serious after short periods of time. I'd need to take much longer to get involved with and invested in someone.

You can block people on WhatsApp, however the image usually disappears and you just see an Avatar. Try it with one of your gfs, block them and see whether your photo disappears for them, then unblock them. My understanding is that if you try and ring on WhatsApp (please don't) it won't connect if you're blocked.

It's really hard and ghosting is such a cowardly thing to do to someone. This is not on you, this is on him. The thing with ghosts is they always return! It will be hard to ignore him when that happens but please do! He doesn't deserve any part of you or your time. He isn't worthy of your energy or your concern because a man so cowardly doesn't have concern for himself. Move on and find your joy in someone who will really appreciate you.

Ghosting someone, especially after 18 months is in very simple terms disrespectful. It says to me, I’m not worth a short but difficult conversation

I'd really like you to change the words you use to think about this...perhaps to

"It says to me, that he is incredibly immature and not actually good enough for me".

His actions don't mean anything about your worth!

Just to update... I can’t remember the poster that referenced the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy but it’s an insult to them!!! So, he made contact... I got a tester text, he was testing the waters so to speak, apparently ‘I knew’ what he’d end up doing and he’s had a lot to sort out! Yip, of course you do, emptying his rented flat in Dublin, sorting out arrangements with his ex wife re the children and moving countries in a week... yip thats a lot to sort out for sure.

I couldn’t even speak to him, I sent him a very calm voicemail telling him he’d pissed down my back while telling me it’s raining, been disingenuous, and his assumption that I would just fit in with his plans was both insulting and showed no regard for me. I’m heart sore but not heart broken, angry and hurt. I really really cared for him but I care for myself a little more. Had he spoken to me, had we worked out some kind of plan, I would have been on board. I have a full life with 4 kids, working, and a great set of friends and don’t need a man living in each other’s pockets. But not this way. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as a partner, I’m far from perfect but after a very emotionally abusive marriage I now know my worth. Once I’ve put my heart and pride back together, I’ll be joining the dating thread !!!

Thank you again, I know compared to some I’ve had a lucky escape and he’s shown me who he is, I know I’ll hear from him again and I know what we had was pretty spectacular on so many levels, we did just work and he’ll realise how special it was and yes, it will hard for me to meet someone that I feel so comfortable with but there are some things that are too big to compromise on.

@Alexandradream the problem with men like him is he was obviously telling you what you wanted to hear a lot of the time whilst doing what he wanted! That's so incredibly manipulative and you'd never be able to trust someone like that ever again.

You're well out of it! I would block him if I was you so you don't have to listen to any more of his bullshit.

I hate to say this and i am definitely not a man basher but I met a lot of men like him when I was dating. I became a totally cynical bitch by the end of it.

Onwards and upwards!

What you had was a relationship with a dysfunctional man and it's taken this to begin to see you are well rid OP! Good for you.

So sorry OP, what a waste of space he is. Horrible man.

Wow. What a coward he is. What an absolutely shitty disgusting coward.

Thank god you've found out now.

My love to you