How do you cope in a relationship when the other person constantly stalls / procrastinates

[EL8888]

My fiancé and l have been together for 5 years and increasingly lm totally sick of his procrastination. ANYTHING that needs doing, he wants to do later / tomorrow / next week no matter how minor or major. E.g. last night it was the grease he spilt in the kitchen

Things reached a head today when he didn’t want to finish taking about if we should proceed with a house purchase or not. We had agreed to talk about it this weekend -we received the damp / timber survey for it on Thursday and it wasn’t great. A while back l had spelt out to him that l was tired of being chief planner / organiser for our life and l was taking a step back. So that’s what l have done of late, l was taking on too much of the mental load and have been busy at work. The bank holiday weekend has gone by and it’s now Monday afternoon, l pointed out we still hadn’t discussed the house. We discussed it for half an hour and reviewed the survey. He then basically says he doesn’t have time for this and wants to prepare for a job interview on Thursday . I then ask when can we discuss it and he says Friday afternoon -l can’t do that as lm working (as he well knows) and won’t be home until 7pm. We review the calendar and the next free day we can do due to other commitments is the Sunday after next. Fiancé says that isn’t acceptable and we need an imminent answer for the sellers. I say how about now then and he loses his temper saying no he can’t. I said l wanted to do it earlier on this weekend, he claims he didn’t have time (he did but clearly preferred socialising, listening to music etc).

He never directly said that l should do the research and make a decision but it feels like that is what he wanted. We are spending hundreds of thousand of pounds, it’s not as if we are buying a bedding set or pair of shoes He wants to defer everything or so it feels like

Pull out of the property purchase.

Reflect hard on the relationship.

Don’t buy the house, don’t stay in the relationship.

Especially if you want DC. A lot of parenting - and doing the huge extra amount of domestic work that comes with parenting - is doing stuff you don’t feel like doing. High risk that someone who behaves like this is unwilling to do their fair share and be a team if/when stuff gets hard.

If he’s like this now...it’ll be worse if you go onto have a family. Even if you don’t have a family, you’ll always be planning for you both which for some people might be fine but for some it causes resentment. Has he always been like this?

The trouble with your example, is the preparing for a job interview bit.
That actually is quite important I would have thought, so unfortunately for you, you are on a bit of a sticky wicket with this one, in my opinion.

But I am getting your point. I know a couple with a bit the same problem, but the other way around. The man is keen to get on with things that need doing, the woman, not so much. She says she is working on the problem, but the man is not so sure about that. Thinks she should be trying harder.

Sounds like your fiance doesnt even want to fix his procrastination issue?

Pull out, rethink if you want this to be the rest of your life.

Is he depressed? I only ask because that can make decision making difficult.

If not, I am with pps. Do not have DC with this man. Seriously.

It seems that he is not procrastinating over the things that are a priority for him though; such as his interview.

I would not marry this man or have DC with him. I'd leave is my honest answer. Once you are married with DC it will be 100 times worse as he will have zero motivation to please you.

@MSQuinn he has always been like this. Has been read the riot act a number of times so he can’t say that is doesn’t know. He pulls his socks and then they slip back down

How is talking about a house purchase such a big deal? This having to schedule in conversations is really bizarre. He won't because of a job interview, then you won't because you don't get home until 7pm (what happens at 7pm, do you both turn into pumpkins incapable of a discussion?)

It sounds like he deflects anything he doesn't want to do (i.e. anything that doesn't suit him or isn't"fun") and you've learnt to pander to him by trying to schedule things. Stop playing his game. I have no idea how/why you've put up with this for 5 years but I really would get out now and find someone who actually puts some effort into life.

@lightand he thinks he doesn’t have a problem, it is me with the problem. I don’t have high response expectations like eat dinner only once you have washed up

@HundredMilesAnHour

How is talking about a house purchase such a big deal? This having to schedule in conversations is really bizarre. He won't because of a job interview, then you won't because you don't get home until 7pm (what happens at 7pm, do you both turn into pumpkins incapable of a discussion?)

It sounds like he deflects anything he doesn't want to do (i.e. anything that doesn't suit him or isn't"fun") and you've learnt to pander to him by trying to schedule things. Stop playing his game. I have no idea how/why you've put up with this for 5 years but I really would get out now and find someone who actually puts some effort into life.

That’s what I was thinking!! I mean what the actual fuck?! How do you go through life with a partner where you have to preschedule conversations and content like they’re business meetings? Op it shouldn’t be this hard. If you need to have a conversation with someone then you just open your mouth and start talking. This is bizarre.

@HundredMilesAnHour l would be fine to do 7pm but he would say it was too late and can we do it another time. It’s the perfect example of what my issue is!

@Mydarlingmyhamburger l do try. If it’s a work day he claims he’s tired and if it’s a day off, then he says he wants to rest. I lost my shit a few times to get that mindset partially dislodged

‘Reading the riot act’ is pointless: he’s made clear he won’t change. You’ve chosen to stay anyway.

Why have you stayed with him so long when he's so lazy? He clearly expects you to carry the mental load for the pair of you, and is no doubt quite happy for to arrange things so that his life just "happens" for him - that is until its not quite how he wants things, then he'll blame you for being controlling etc etc.

Seriously, what do you get out of the relationship with him?

Why do you need to ore schedule in conversations with him like a work meeting, that’s ridiculous!

In this specific example I’d just say we have to decide this now, your interview isn’t until Thursday and this house purchase is really important.

Why have you gone along with this ‘scheduling a time to talk’ thing, its bizarre in a relationship to do that.

[quote EL8888]@MSQuinn he has always been like this. Has been read the riot act a number of times so he can’t say that is doesn’t know. He pulls his socks and then they slip back down[/quote]
I'm afraid this sounds like a mum and a teenager, not a partnership of adults who love each other

@Structuredsward exactly, if it’s something he enjoys then he’s there e.g. listening to music, fiddling with laptop etc. I have made clear l don’t find cleaning, organising / planning things thrilling or enjoyable, it’s just what adult life is like

‘Losing your shot’ is never a good thing in a relationship and, if men do it, it is termed abusive.

Having said that, I can feel your frustration.

I think that you are very different people and, probably, incompatible. You are very goal driven and organised and your fiancé is laissez-faire and hope-for-the-best.

Unless everything else is very good indeed, I would consider splitting up as, add children into the mix, and you will drive one another crazy.

@LawnFever l try to be spontaneous with these conversations but he stonewalls me. Citing tiredness / busyness / too far in advance (or a combination of all 3). Today l didn’t know where to go with it, on one hand he claims he has no time today and won’t until the 13th. But then we can’t not give feedback to the sellers -for clarity l made clear l wouldn’t be stalling or contacting the estate agent. That would all be on him, he especially didn’t like that

@TheReluctantPhoenix l don’t physically abuse him but l give him home truths e.g. you need to step up and l can’t carry you forever. Why would l have a child with you, as you never seem to want to do anything. All of which are true and fair l feel. But delivered at max volume rather than talking

What would happen if you just stopped doing all this stuff? Stop asking to have these conversations, stop asking him to clear up his mess etc? Because if you would end up with a life you don't want, because he would just not do anything, then you would be better off single because you could then get on with life without having to drag him along, trying to get some enthusiasm and participation out of him. He sounds like a dead weight tbh.

Are you his mum? Why do you need to book his time to have conversations?

Owning a home with him would be a mistake so I'd pull out of that. I wouldn't even consider having a child with it either. Five years? Madness. Raise your bar and find an adult to have a proper relationship with.

You seem to be unwilling to admit that this relationship just isn't working. I doubt it ever will, you're just too different in how you handle things and your level of communication is utter shit I've been very happily married for 25 years, and the thought of being married to someone like your partner does my head in. It would be torture, and I predict he will only get worse.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and move on from him. It honestly shouldn't be this hard.