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Original poster

How do you cope in a relationship when the other person constantly stalls / procrastinates

124 replies

EL8888 · 31/05/2021 16:47

My fiancé and l have been together for 5 years and increasingly lm totally sick of his procrastination. ANYTHING that needs doing, he wants to do later / tomorrow / next week no matter how minor or major. E.g. last night it was the grease he spilt in the kitchen

Things reached a head today when he didn’t want to finish taking about if we should proceed with a house purchase or not. We had agreed to talk about it this weekend -we received the damp / timber survey for it on Thursday and it wasn’t great. A while back l had spelt out to him that l was tired of being chief planner / organiser for our life and l was taking a step back. So that’s what l have done of late, l was taking on too much of the mental load and have been busy at work. The bank holiday weekend has gone by and it’s now Monday afternoon, l pointed out we still hadn’t discussed the house. We discussed it for half an hour and reviewed the survey. He then basically says he doesn’t have time for this and wants to prepare for a job interview on Thursday Hmm. I then ask when can we discuss it and he says Friday afternoon -l can’t do that as lm working (as he well knows) and won’t be home until 7pm. We review the calendar and the next free day we can do due to other commitments is the Sunday after next. Fiancé says that isn’t acceptable and we need an imminent answer for the sellers. I say how about now then and he loses his temper saying no he can’t. I said l wanted to do it earlier on this weekend, he claims he didn’t have time (he did but clearly preferred socialising, listening to music etc).

He never directly said that l should do the research and make a decision but it feels like that is what he wanted. We are spending hundreds of thousand of pounds, it’s not as if we are buying a bedding set or pair of shoes Confused He wants to defer everything or so it feels like

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 31/05/2021 20:30

Most of the men in your life are / have been like this, which is why you are normalising it. I am nearer sixty than fifty and in my experience most men are not like this. Why not bin off this lazy fucker and see if you meet one? Or enjoy life on your own. Do not in any circumstances have a CD child with him, he’ll get worse not better.

Ragwort · 31/05/2021 20:35

Why do you stay with him?

Agree with others, you are either very unlucky or have a very low bar when it comes to relationships. My bothers, father, brothers in law, friends' husbands/partners are not like that. Even my teenage DS who can occasionally be a little lazy is nothing like it ... they've all get plenty of get up and go. I couldn't bear to be surrounded by lazy people. What are his good points?

Just ditch him. Picture yourself living alone, a lovely home of your own, the lifestyle you want, not waiting around for someone to show initiative....... doesn't that sound good ?

Notagain20 · 31/05/2021 20:36

I agree with PP, most men I've known are not like this. Tbh I couldn't be bothered with a friendship with someone like that, let alone a relationship. Always having to chivvy someone along, or tell them off? It sounds like drudgery. Does he bring anything to the energy of your shared life?

sunlight81 · 31/05/2021 20:37

You can't change other people - you can only change yourself.

So either u accept that this is ur partner, he will always be like this and you will always be the driving force in the relationship OR you leave.

Sometimes things really are black and white.

CatsPyjama · 31/05/2021 20:38

oh he does change. I bollock him, he ups his game for a fair time. Then creeps back to as is. Bit of a cycle really.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So basically he’s not as bad as the other men you know, you need to set your bar higher! What does he bring to your life? Is this really what you’re prepared to put with forever?

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/05/2021 20:39

@Cinnamonhouse it was more he couldn’t believe l had not sorted it and he had to do some effort / thinking. The sorry bit pushed me to the edge. What sorry l haven’t anticipated your every whim and need?! WTAF. I work full time and lm not your slave

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 31/05/2021 20:40

The sorry bit pushed me to the edge.

The edge of what?

How do you find him attractive enough to sleep with ?

Is this really how you want to live?

RandomMess · 31/05/2021 20:48

He is deeply misogynistic isn't he??

You exist to facilitate his life at your own expense!

I really do think I'd rather be single or not love together and just date. Children would be a disaster I'm afraid.

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/05/2021 21:02

At the moment he’s keeping a low profile. He’s skirting round the whole thing, l think he thinks l sorted it. Crunched numbers and made a decision. In reality l went for a walk on the beach and ate an ice cream. The funny thing is if he told his parents about this, his mum would rip him a new one and his dad would laugh at him. Then tell him to sort himself out. Not sure where he gets it from. I am making (my) lunches for work and then lm going to lie on the bed with some gin. Whilst l contemplate my next move

OP posts:
HerMammy · 31/05/2021 21:10

You live together yet can’t have a discussion for 13 days??
My mind is boggled here.
Why are you even with him never mind buying a house??
➡️🗑

Lonel · 31/05/2021 21:14

90% of marriage is basically all these little decision making moments and sorting out the division of labour. If that doesn't work, the marriage is probably not going to work. It sounds exhausting.

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/05/2021 21:15

@HerMammy not sure. Your guess is as good as mine Confused.

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 31/05/2021 21:22

You had to schedule a conversation? I think if he can't find the time there's your answer....no to the house and him.

OccaChocca · 31/05/2021 21:25

Oh dear, he needs to go. This isn't going to get better.

How long would you need to have a conversation for? Could he not spare 15 minutes? If you didn't decide, you could discuss it again tomorrow for 15 minutes then the day after and the day after...... It would be quicker than leaving until the next full when the month has a D in it.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/05/2021 21:26

How do you not have the ick??

Please leave this guy. You sound miserable and this will never change if you stay with him. You deserve so much better

WatieKatie · 31/05/2021 22:17

He sounds utterly infuriating. My exh was similar with procrastinating and me having to do the thinking and decision making for two. I found it very draining and extremely lonely. I’d never date a man with these traits again.

Whatever you decide about him and the house, I wish you all the very best.

Notmoresugar · 31/05/2021 22:26

Why on earth do you put yourself through such utter crap?
You're not married - get out of this situation.
He's a kid and needs to go back to mummy.

Cocogreen · 31/05/2021 22:41

You're a much more patient person than me.
Waiting around for him to do things, take action, make up his mind on even the tiniest things would drive me to the brink.
Seriously like dealing with a recalcitrant child who won't get ready to go to school.
For your own mental health and peace of mind you need to think if he's worth this aggravation.
Don't buy the house.

HeadFullofRandom · 31/05/2021 22:50

Its passive aggressive sabotage.

He pays lip service to seem keen to do things but then refuses to do anything about it, changes goalposts, gives arbitrary reasons why he can't do stuff. The sum total of this is you cannot progress with anything and feel held hostage.

There is no getting better for men like this. My exH was exactly the same.

Cherrysoup · 31/05/2021 22:53

This is insane, OP. He can’t find time to discuss this until a week next Sunday. What the actual fuck? He blames you for the lack of clean uniform, having not arsed to check that it was still in the wash? It’s unbelievable! Your bar is super low, just because your family/ex are/were like this. Not all men are, believe me. Why are you with him? He sounds like he’s driving you crazy.

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2021 23:04

What’s the point of this relationship? Seriously?

You get angry, he improves for 5 mins. Back to the same.

It will be like this forever.

Pull out of the purchase and wave him goodbye.

He doesn’t want to change and you can’t make him.

talesoftheunexploded · 31/05/2021 23:48

Contact the estate agent and cancel the house. Don't tell him. If he asks then let him make an appointment with the estate agent himself for a scheduled conversation.
And now breathe.

bigbaggyeyes · 01/06/2021 07:10

I'd be tempted to call his bluff at some point this week.

Tell him the sellers have pulled out die to lack of progress. See what his reaction is. Then when/if he moans tell him you were only kidding and maybe now he'd like to discuss it.

However I do think you're into a hiding to nothing with it being a project house, especially if when you do make a decision he's likely to have an opinion on it. There's one thing being avoidant then not moaning, but it would drive me insane if I had to make all the decisions and then the other person had an opinion or moaned about that decision

myrtlehuckingfuge · 01/06/2021 07:11

If you stay, watch how you take all the large life decisions and he does nothing (seemingly in agreement). Then stand back as he has a massive crisis a few years down the line when he realises that he hates his life and it's all 'your' fault. Don't do it. Just don't.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 01/06/2021 07:13

Apologies, it is life decisions and any other decision in his case. You'll be exhausted and won't be thanked for it at the end.