How do you cope in a relationship when the other person constantly stalls / procrastinates

[EL8888]

My fiancé and l have been together for 5 years and increasingly lm totally sick of his procrastination. ANYTHING that needs doing, he wants to do later / tomorrow / next week no matter how minor or major. E.g. last night it was the grease he spilt in the kitchen

Things reached a head today when he didn’t want to finish taking about if we should proceed with a house purchase or not. We had agreed to talk about it this weekend -we received the damp / timber survey for it on Thursday and it wasn’t great. A while back l had spelt out to him that l was tired of being chief planner / organiser for our life and l was taking a step back. So that’s what l have done of late, l was taking on too much of the mental load and have been busy at work. The bank holiday weekend has gone by and it’s now Monday afternoon, l pointed out we still hadn’t discussed the house. We discussed it for half an hour and reviewed the survey. He then basically says he doesn’t have time for this and wants to prepare for a job interview on Thursday . I then ask when can we discuss it and he says Friday afternoon -l can’t do that as lm working (as he well knows) and won’t be home until 7pm. We review the calendar and the next free day we can do due to other commitments is the Sunday after next. Fiancé says that isn’t acceptable and we need an imminent answer for the sellers. I say how about now then and he loses his temper saying no he can’t. I said l wanted to do it earlier on this weekend, he claims he didn’t have time (he did but clearly preferred socialising, listening to music etc).

He never directly said that l should do the research and make a decision but it feels like that is what he wanted. We are spending hundreds of thousand of pounds, it’s not as if we are buying a bedding set or pair of shoes He wants to defer everything or so it feels like

I have a child and own a property with a similar man (likely ADHD) which is a pretty frustrating experience. I wouldn't go for it again.

@bigbaggyeyes

A project house with a man that can't make a decision for the next two weeks? It's going to end in disaster, or you'll end up living in the house, in the condition it is now, in 5 years time.

A million times this. You can't procrastinate when you've got a builder/plumber/electrician needing an answer on something or the renovation stalls. It sounds as though you are hugely incompatible with your fiancé, OP, and after five years together if he's not changed in that time he's never going to.

[quote EL8888]@MissingInActon ironically he’s very keen to proceed, lm the one querying do we want a project house. We were not wanting a project house but due to the issues cited in surveys then it’s clearly in that kind of arena. I laid a few scenarios that guess what, involve having to do stuff NOW e.g. clearing rooms for work being done, picking a new bathroom suite. Pointing out there will be no scope for procrastination and no l won’t do your share, he didn’t like that either[/quote]
No, you're missing my point - I probably didn't express it very clearly. He's keen to proceed because that's the default path - continuing with the plan you had with no need for complicated conversations about what's changed. Nobody in their right mind would think that continuing with this purchase without discussion of the changed parameters was a good idea. He's only happy to do that because he's not bothering to engage with the issues at hand. And he's only able to do that because he knows you'll be there to pick up the pieces. If any of it was important to him, he'd be right there weighing it all up with you. That's mho anyway.

Did you actually want to be with him still knowing 100% he will never change and you will have to carry on refusing to do x y z to get him to do the minimum?

@MissingInActon
Agreed

My dh is totally in board with our projects in the house but it's still slow going.

Do you want to live in a building site because that's your future with this man abs this house

Just leave him, he sounds hopeless. You are not compatible ... I remember when DH to be and I were buying our first home together, it was so exciting... we spent ages viewing houses, talking about them, making plans etc ... that was 30+ years ago ... much of the excitement has gone but we are solidly together and on the same 'path'. Actually I say the excitement has gone but only yesterday we were planning our 'retirement move' and both of us had plenty to say and input into the discussion .

Seriously, don't put up with this, it won't get any better.

My DH can be slow to get going with tasks and is a great procrastinater, but not to the extent you describe OP. We've made two house purchases in our time together and he was the driving force with those. I couldn't take it if he was always like that.

You do need to consider the future with him. Being married leads to more dependency on each other, especially if you have children. You either have to decide he is worth it and be the one who makes the decisions, or give him up. Otherwise it will be a constant source of irritation and conflict.

@DeRigueurMortis oh yeah, he has quite a responsible job and can pull plans together to see that DJ perform at that niche gig in an island off Sweden etc. That he’s keen to see

@Cinnamonhouse ironically l employed a similar technique with my 1st husband. My personal highlight of the divorce (apart from when he realised he couldn’t financially rip me off). Was he would have to do stuff, he tried to suggest we used the same solicitor . Despite the fact l told his that’s not an option

How is this an attractive, enjoyable partnership in any way whatsoever?

My dh can be similar. We have the money to finish the renovation on our house but he can’t get galvanised to sort anything yet he wants to be involved. It’s frustrating as fuck. Constantly having to push when he makes decisions on things he wants with ease.

@Miseryl good point, l have contemplated that. The terrible truth is most men l know are worse. My dad and brother are as bad. My first husband was way worse. The beginning of the end was me on my hands and knees oiling a hall floor we had had sanded. He was in bed as sleeping as watching the person sand it had “made him tired”. He even moaned about us going out for dinner by the back door (yep l had booked the table of course), to let the oil sink in / dry

Fiancé is less crap that most men l have encountered, he can pull it out of the bag if he chooses but a lot of the time he doesn’t. Which l suppose is kind of worse than he can’t but wants to?

Wow, that's a really low bar you've got. Presumably your mum enabled your dad and brother to be lazy and avoid responsibility for things, because that's how things were when she was growing up. So you've ended up living the same way, allowing men to remain childlike and doing the emotional and physical and mental labour for them? Time to break the pattern, OP.

You've stayed with him because he's slightly less crap than all the other significant men in your life. You can do better. Even on your own you can do better!

@EL8888 - a project house is perfect for a procrastinator, because it will never be finished and they'll be able to put off loads of other things because of it.

While you're waiting for it to be finished, he'll be able to put getting married, starting a family (and anything/everything else) on the back burner, because "we can't afford to get married til the house is done" or "we can't start a family with all this going on.." Not that anything will be going on, because he'll never be able to discuss and agree what and when to start first.

You'll become a nag. He'll resent that. You'll resent him. And on and on and on it goes.

For your own sanity - and your own future - please, please get out of the relationship.

I'm 50 and have spent too long in two wrong relationships (my only 2, what an idiot). What a wasted life. Don't be me, or one of the many other women who are telling you the same thing.

I know ending it is an awful thought, when you've already invested 5 years and you love him, but he won't change. Honestly, he really, really won't (if he does change, it won't be for the better).

You are worth so much more than this.

Wow, that's a really low bar you've got.

I think the OP is right, though. MANY men are like this, and when I think about it many of my friends are happily married to men like this. It can work if the woman is very decisive and the man doesn't quibble with her decisions.

This sounds like really controlling behaviour. Like, 'I know this is really important, but as you're daring to ask something of me, I'm going to prioritise literally everything else in my life and we'll talk about it three weeks on Wednesday even though this is totally unreasonable and I know it will make you angry/anxious/...'.

This would drive me fucking mental. I couldn’t be with someone like this.

I’ve never dated any men like this. They have all been decisive and active people. My dad and brother are the opposite and probably why I’ve been attracted to men with more get up and go though

@Notagain20 l don’t enable him, that’s why we row. It’s what started it off today

Our last row was Tuesday night as none of his uniform for work was clean, it was all filthy in the washing basket. It started off with him not being able to find it (l didn’t help look). It then morphed into its filthy and why haven’t you washed it. I made clear you didn’t ask me and lm not your own private laundress. It then shifted to why wasn’t l sorry, l queried why l had to be sorry and made clear l wasn’t sorry. It was 1130pm, there was zero chance of me washing it, waiting for the washing machine to finish, hanging it up and going to bed super late. He obviously didn’t wish to do this. So he went to work with no uniform

This must be so draining though @EL8888 and if he hadn’t changed in 5 years?? There’s no Hope really. Can you do this for life, are you okay with that?

@TheYearOfSmallThings l wouldn’t mind making all of the decisions. But l wouldn’t be willing to do all the “doing” and put up with moaning if it didn’t later suit

@WobblyMelon oh he does change. I bollock him, he ups his game for a fair time. Then creeps back to as is. Bit of a cycle really. I even spell out how much it gets on my nerves and how unattractive it is. He then says lm being mean

So nothing really ever changes then , do you still want to get married?

What he’s really doing is making you take responsibility for the decision ( the house purchase). Then if anything going wrong, you’re to blame! In your shoes, I just wouldn’t go ahead with it.

How utterly sexist he is. If he lived alone he'd have washed his uniform. He actually expected you to do it? Fuck right off. He has absolutely no respect for women in general and certainly not you - the one he supposedly loves. Has he ever washed your clothes? No. Thought not.