How do you cope in a relationship when the other person constantly stalls / procrastinates

[EL8888]

My fiancé and l have been together for 5 years and increasingly lm totally sick of his procrastination. ANYTHING that needs doing, he wants to do later / tomorrow / next week no matter how minor or major. E.g. last night it was the grease he spilt in the kitchen

Things reached a head today when he didn’t want to finish taking about if we should proceed with a house purchase or not. We had agreed to talk about it this weekend -we received the damp / timber survey for it on Thursday and it wasn’t great. A while back l had spelt out to him that l was tired of being chief planner / organiser for our life and l was taking a step back. So that’s what l have done of late, l was taking on too much of the mental load and have been busy at work. The bank holiday weekend has gone by and it’s now Monday afternoon, l pointed out we still hadn’t discussed the house. We discussed it for half an hour and reviewed the survey. He then basically says he doesn’t have time for this and wants to prepare for a job interview on Thursday . I then ask when can we discuss it and he says Friday afternoon -l can’t do that as lm working (as he well knows) and won’t be home until 7pm. We review the calendar and the next free day we can do due to other commitments is the Sunday after next. Fiancé says that isn’t acceptable and we need an imminent answer for the sellers. I say how about now then and he loses his temper saying no he can’t. I said l wanted to do it earlier on this weekend, he claims he didn’t have time (he did but clearly preferred socialising, listening to music etc).

He never directly said that l should do the research and make a decision but it feels like that is what he wanted. We are spending hundreds of thousand of pounds, it’s not as if we are buying a bedding set or pair of shoes He wants to defer everything or so it feels like

OP, have you considered that it's not that all men are like this (they really aren't), it's that you tend to find yourself attracted to men who are like this because they remind you of your dad? I honestly think there's some truth in the theory that many of us try to recreate our parents' relationship, even if it wasn't a happy one, because that feels safe and normal and familiar to us.

If you do nothing - essentially mirroring his behaviour - will he even notice? Just get on with your own life. Leave him to it.

Pointing out there will be no scope for procrastination and no l won’t do your share, he didn’t like that either

Op, he is using passive aggressive behaviour to control the workload. This will continue, indeed it will get worse if you buy a place together and get married.

He has SHOWN you time and again that he will not change. Any shift in the right direction is temporary but wait unitil you are financially invested then his incentive to behave better will disappear.

The uniform issue is illuminating as he is blaming you for his laundry and expects you to feel sorry that you didn't step up. Replay this to yourself so you hear the message he is sending you. Its loud and clear.

I know you might struggle to reconcile both sides to him but you either have to put up and accept you will do all the work or leave. If you stay you will have to give up your dreams because you'll just be too exhausted keeping the show on the road. He will thrive however. They always do!

You will also become more resentful and shouty (why would you think it's normal to shout at your partner to make him change??) and he will be able to play the victim because he has a crazy, angry wife.

How are you feeling today, @EL8888, after these responses? 🌹

his mum would rip him a new one and his dad would laugh at him.

It is indeed as PP pointed out passive-aggressive sabotage. Possibly learned from his parents and never yet caused him sufficient inconvenience for him to question it as a way to live your life.

Would you be content to live your life this way? For ever? If not, now may be the time to act.

You must be absolutely desperate for a man, ANY man to be with him.

You also must want the most stressful, miserable life to look forward too, to be with such a waster.
🤷🏻‍♀️
God help you OP, having such a low relationship bar, and life bar.

Misery awaits you.

[quote EL8888]@Notagain20 l don’t enable him, that’s why we row. It’s what started it off today

Our last row was Tuesday night as none of his uniform for work was clean, it was all filthy in the washing basket. It started off with him not being able to find it (l didn’t help look). It then morphed into its filthy and why haven’t you washed it. I made clear you didn’t ask me and lm not your own private laundress. It then shifted to why wasn’t l sorry, l queried why l had to be sorry and made clear l wasn’t sorry. It was 1130pm, there was zero chance of me washing it, waiting for the washing machine to finish, hanging it up and going to bed super late. He obviously didn’t wish to do this. So he went to work with no uniform[/quote]
This isn't procrastination. This is laziness, entitlement, sexism and a sorry attempt at coercion. If you really did react as you say you did, then it should be as clear to both of you as it is to us here that this relationship is dead in the water. Appalling behaviour from him and an utter mystery as to why you're even contemplating a house purchase/marriage/family with this man.

I think procrastination and strategic incompetence are common among men, but your man is performing well below that standard, OP.

No wonder you row a lot. I can't see the attraction at all.

But surely you’ve gone from a level 8 lazy dickhead with your first husband to a level 5 lazy dickhead with fiancé? Honestly reading this I’m wound up on your behalf.

He’ll be exactly who is is ten years from now surely. Will the low level simmering annoyance not wear you down? I just couldn’t handle this everyday passive aggressive battle. Imagine how much worse it’ll be if there’s children to think about.

Also get separate washing baskets

@Maunderingdrunkenly

Also get separate washing baskets

In separate houses

There’s no need for you to be with this pointless guy.

Oh, OP. He's slightly less shit than your first husband.

That's about the only thing I've grasped from your posts.

Pull out of the house sale, dump this idiot. You've wasted 5 years on someone who will drag you down. Don't waste any more. Like @MsPavlichencko I'm nearer 60 than 50 and I know very few men like this. He's prepared to let you do all the work in the relationship because it makes his life easier.

That's really not attractive in a partner.

Passive aggressive personality. I was with one.
You will never get anywhere.
lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship

If you don't leave, then you are choosing this for the rest of your life. That's a decision you're consciously making to stay with a person who doesn't give a fuck about life.

I don’t enable him, that’s why we row. It’s what started it off today

But you absolutely have enabled him, by 'reading him the riot act' repeatedly but not ending the relationship.

He sounds exhausting, I couldn't live with someone like Him.

He asked why you hadn't washed his uniform?! Wtf. He's not better than most men. Why on earth would you think he was? You've basically said he thinks you should be in charge of all household chores because you're a woman, that's not normal.

Throw him in the bin. And raise your bar because at the moment it's very very low.

Exactly.

Why the hell are you with him?

Being single would be easier and more pleasant.

There isn’t a future version of him where he grows up. The only reward you get for banging your head against a brick wall, is a headache.

Jesus woman, let him go!

He’s not who you want him to be. He never will be. Time to face that and either make peace with it (and accept his role as a sort of teenage son instead of a responsible and equal partner) or leave.

You are incompatible on a fundamental level yet you are prepared to sacrifice your present and future happiness on the altar of ‘if it wasn’t for this one thing, he would be perfect’.

Has it never occurred to that this is who he is and more importantly, he doesn’t want to change.

Totally agree with everything that everyone has said. Why on earth are you with him?

Sounds like you are very controlling and expect him to run his life the way you do. I've seen this in relationships the men just switch off as they are sick of the control, women leave big men stay and wait for the woman to pull the plug on things.
Re the house, once you are financially manacled together with a mortgage there is nothing to stop him having 50% if you split. Think long and hard about how you would feel having to give someone that 50% who has never made the effort to get it.
Stop scheduling meetings to discuss a bit of wet rot, houses all rot eventually you have to maintain them. It's a constant battle. Think of the bigger picture of what happens if things go wrong between you two. Doesn't sound like you have a great relationship tbh.

My adult son, who lives with us, does all of the washing and a lot of other housework. It’s always done on time.

This is a young man with Autism and learning difficulties. He works three days per week and looks after me because I am bedridden. If he can do all of that, why are you putting up with a man who whines about his washing?

Please wake up before you waste the rest of your precious life on him!