How do you cope in a relationship when the other person constantly stalls / procrastinates

[EL8888]

My fiancé and l have been together for 5 years and increasingly lm totally sick of his procrastination. ANYTHING that needs doing, he wants to do later / tomorrow / next week no matter how minor or major. E.g. last night it was the grease he spilt in the kitchen

Things reached a head today when he didn’t want to finish taking about if we should proceed with a house purchase or not. We had agreed to talk about it this weekend -we received the damp / timber survey for it on Thursday and it wasn’t great. A while back l had spelt out to him that l was tired of being chief planner / organiser for our life and l was taking a step back. So that’s what l have done of late, l was taking on too much of the mental load and have been busy at work. The bank holiday weekend has gone by and it’s now Monday afternoon, l pointed out we still hadn’t discussed the house. We discussed it for half an hour and reviewed the survey. He then basically says he doesn’t have time for this and wants to prepare for a job interview on Thursday . I then ask when can we discuss it and he says Friday afternoon -l can’t do that as lm working (as he well knows) and won’t be home until 7pm. We review the calendar and the next free day we can do due to other commitments is the Sunday after next. Fiancé says that isn’t acceptable and we need an imminent answer for the sellers. I say how about now then and he loses his temper saying no he can’t. I said l wanted to do it earlier on this weekend, he claims he didn’t have time (he did but clearly preferred socialising, listening to music etc).

He never directly said that l should do the research and make a decision but it feels like that is what he wanted. We are spending hundreds of thousand of pounds, it’s not as if we are buying a bedding set or pair of shoes He wants to defer everything or so it feels like

You have driven past plenty of red flags in this "relationship"-Laziness, procrastination, manipulation are three examples. Do you want to be a single parent to more children with him? He's your firstborn child and frankly you should walk away-actually, you should run like hell

I did marry this man and had children with him too.

He is demand-avoidant and the slightest thing will feel like a demand unless it’s something he is in control of and doesn’t cause him anxiety.

So questions like “I’m ordering a takeaway, what do you fancy?” Well that’s dead easy. No stress.

Things like “where shall we go on holiday? We have been to Suffolk every time we have been away for the last 10 years and I’d like a change!” Well that’s a no no. Too many variables and anyway he likes Norfolk and doesn’t want to think about it.

Doesn’t sound too awful...

Fast forward to a busy house of kids and pets and school run and jobs etc and “will you empty the dryer? The kids’ uniforms are in there and I’m just doing their bath.” Well that’s a strong no. He doesn’t like to be asked to do anything, why can’t I do it, why is it his job, he has to do the Very Important Thing and anyway it will wait.

This pattern continued for years.

I have divorced him now. He drove me properly tablets mad, I walked on eggshells just to get him to do anything at all and had to constantly think how to make something into a non demand. I suspect he has some sort of demand avoidant autism going on. But whatever. I’m miles happier without that fucking millstone around my throat.

You’ve been warned.

And to add, my children know he does it. They wanted him to take them to an event that was on locally. One said “dad will take us.” And the other said “dad will say he will take us but only tomorrow and then it will be too late.”

I live with a procrastinator and have learned the hard way that there are various key reasons for it.

I think your man has difficulty saying out loud anything he thinks you (or probably anyone) won't want to hear. He would rather avoid the difficult conversations, citing time pressure, indifference, uncertainty, tiredness, anything that means he doesn't have to come out and voice anything disgreeable, so he can keep it all nice and be mr popular.

That would be bad enough, except that logic suggests the thing he isn't rushing to voice is that buying a place with you is something he just isn't all that fussed about.

I would pull out of the purchase and take a long cold look at the relationship.

@MissingInActon ironically he’s very keen to proceed, lm the one querying do we want a project house. We were not wanting a project house but due to the issues cited in surveys then it’s clearly in that kind of arena. I laid a few scenarios that guess what, involve having to do stuff NOW e.g. clearing rooms for work being done, picking a new bathroom suite. Pointing out there will be no scope for procrastination and no l won’t do your share, he didn’t like that either

@MissingInActon l think part of it is not wanting to rock the boat but the majority is he doesn’t like doing tasks. I don’t either (like most people) but l force myself

@Smallredclip this all sounds too familiar to me lm afraid. He doesn’t like being told to do stuff but also he often lacks initiative and drive

A project house with a man that can't make a decision for the next two weeks? It's going to end in disaster, or you'll end up living in the house, in the condition it is now, in 5 years time.

@Notagain20 to get through things then l either refuse to my part, until he has done his. E.g. lunch today wasn’t made by myself until he had sorted out the kitchen. Our kitchen is tiny and the work surface was covered in grease he spilt last night and crockery. Or l just do my stuff e.g. he’s covered our bed in random clothes, books etc then l just move my stuff off it and get in bed

You're not in a relationship OP, you're his mother. If he doesn't make any decisions he can blame you if things go wrong.

I would very seriously consider where you see this relationship going. I get that it would be hugely disappointing to pull out if the house purchase now, but can you really see yourself carrying this baggage for the next 20 years? And with kids as well.

If he's this bad with the purchase he's never going to be available to manage a project house!

@bigbaggyeyes thank you, my point exactly!! I have done a project house before and it’s no picnic. I think he thinks lm exaggerating when l talk about the effort and time they require

It's not about the house. It's the relationship. Avoid or get couple's therapy before you get married. If it does not work count your losses. He will not change, if anything it will get worse.

Just let the house purchase slide. Say "we have to decide X by Y date" and let him procrastinate until it's past. Then gradually detach yourself emotionally, mentally and financially. If he wants to do the work in terms of your relationship / house purchase / cleaning kitchen etc he can. Let the tide wash it all away.
A project house will magnify and multiply all these existing problems. Remove yourself.

My exh was like this and it was basically because he didn't want to do anything boring, but also, I ended up having to make all the decisions and plans otherwise nothing happened. If anything at all went wrong or wasn't to his liking (which happened every time), it was my fault, because I organised it. I think it was really just one of the abusive tactics he used to keep me constantly trying to please him and pandering for his approval. I really struggle to make decisions now because I'm so used to somebody criticising everything I do!

[quote EL8888]@bigbaggyeyes thank you, my point exactly!! I have done a project house before and it’s no picnic. I think he thinks lm exaggerating when l talk about the effort and time they require[/quote]
Good god do not buy a project house with this man it’s a disaster waiting to happen!

How will you ever get anything done to the house?

You’re setting yourself up for a complete nightmare and I’d use this as a way of talking to him about it now - if he won’t talk about buying the place without scheduling a slot in three days time how on earth does he think a whole house will get sorted??

You haven't answered anyone who has queried why you persist with the relationship. You can't change him. You can either massively lower your expectations and put up with his shit or leave.

I’d say not comparable.
Either you end up making ALL the decisions and taking all the shit if it goes sideways OR life comes to a standstill like hoarding…nothing happens.

Nope.
Just no.
I would not be with someone like this as I would hate him, be constantly irritated by him, and I would be intolerant of his shitty attitude.
It’s offensive actually.
I would feel second best, not worthy of his time, unimportant and pretty in invisible.
You are shoved to one side where he is concerned are you not?
No,. Under no circumstances would I be scheduling conversations with my partner!
Take the warnings that every single person has given you on this thread, get out of this nightmare as soon as you can.

If you are renting that's great - you have the freedom to move out without the ties of property ownership. Renting has it's advantages

Your situation is one massive shit sandwich, why would you accept a shit sandwich from someone who supposedly loves and respects you?
I don’t get it.

OP if it feels familiar to what I wrote, sprint away. Seriously. The trouble is I bet your chap is often pleasant and social and funny, and has lots of potential. potential. Don’t fall for the dream of what might be. That was always the problem with my exH. It really could have been brilliant, it just wasn’t. Always jam tomorrow, never jam today.

Also he’s a cunt.

You are not compatible

Don't buy a property with him

People who are keen to buy & renovate & keep the relationship going are 180 degrees away from this guy !

To answer the title of your thread: you don't cope. You leave.

What always amazes me with people like this is that they are perfectly capable of being decisive and cracking on with things they want to do.

Other than that they are perfectly content to act like an adult baby and metaphorically have their arse wiped by whoever's mug enough to put up with them whenever anything is even a tiny bit difficult or not a priority for them.

FFS do not buy a project house - or any house with him.

Leave and find someone willing to participate in an adult relationship.

Don’t marry this loser
He’s never going to be the dynamic decision maker you want and you’re always going to do everything.

This is who he is, and he will always be like that. If you make the choice to stay with him, buy a house with him, marry him and have children with him, then you are making the choice to spend the rest of your life picking up the slack and dragging him over every least hurdle.

If he is devastatingly handsome and earns an excellent income it might be worth it - you just need to be clear what you are taking on.