Age gap relationship & babies

[Staceyandco]

I am currently in a relationship with a man 18 years older than me. I am 33. While this may seem like a large age gap, to me it feels natural. I had my first child when I was 18, meaning my social circle has always included those much older than me through things like my sons school, mothers groups etc. in fact even as a child I always geared towards older peers. I don’t have any concerns re age. I’m very comfortable with my decision. Interestingly my own father is 20 years older than my mother - make of that what you will

My partner has adult children, 21 & 28, who are causing some complications for us. They’ve struggled with their parents separation and naturally their father starting a new relationship. Perfectly understandable. We’ve had some challenges along the way, mostly me feeling sad about their rejection, general rudeness etc but for the most part I think we can get through this aspect.

I would like to have a baby with my partner. I love him dearly and we are very compatible. I have read all the stats, and aware of the very minuscule risk his age poses.

However. My partners daughter has recently announced her own pregnancy. I doubt I will be a part of this babies life for a long time as she still has not accepted me. This really breaks my heart.
I’d love to share in that joy with my partner, but also because I am hoping for a baby of my own.
We have discussed this at length and age concerns aside my partner has said he would love to have a baby with me, provided his children are happy for him to do so………….
I understand of course their opinions need to be considered and understood, however - two people who are not ready to accept me (and may never) cannot be in control of our future in this way!?

I don’t know what to do. I can wait - ?!? Or I can walk. Is there another option I’m not seeing!?
I need a reality check, please!

my partner has said he would love to have a baby with me, provided his children are happy for him to do so……

But he knows his kids won't be happy especially now that he'll have a DGC older than any hypothetical child he'd have with you. It seems from your post that you're willing to put aside the risks that come with his age, but he's still got reservations. This reads to me like he doesn't want a baby, but is blaming his kids rather than being honest with you because he doesn't want to rock the boat or get into a scenario where you try to convince him. His kids' behaviour and lack of acceptance of you is his get out of jail card.

Tbh I don't know many 51 year olds who'd gamely TTC- certainly none who'd been-there-done-that-got-them-to-majority who'd want to repeat the process, even without the family politics at play here.

Sadly I think this is one of those "what do you want more- him or a baby?" scenarios.

Hello,
I suppose the difficulty with age gap relationships can arise if you are at different stages in your lives and I suppose him having older children can make it difficult.
I'm actually 33 and my partner is 51! We have a 2 year old. However, he was career minded and had his first son older than when I had my first child. Despite our age difference, his son is 13 and mine 10. So I suppose we were both at similar stages of our lives when we got together.

How long have you been together? And how long has he been apart from his children's mother? I'm only wondering incase it is something that may improve given time. Also, are they angry he's in a new relationship full stop? Or that you are so much younger?

@TheCraicDealer my partner is 51 and we have a 2 year old. He always said he wanted another child (his eldest is only 13 though). However, I think you are right and honestly his age does show. I think most 51 year olds.(especially with adult children) wouldn't necessarily want to start again. However, there are some that may fall in love with a younger woman and agree.to having a child because they know it's what she wants (my uncle did this).

He doesn't want a baby with you and he's using his children as an excuse.

Of course your partner loves his adult children, but him wanting their permission to have another baby is madness. He may be their father but he has the right to live his own life, especially when what he does doesn't concern them. Unless they are worried about inheritance...

Has he spoken to his children about it?

From the minimal information you have given, it sounds like he’s saying all the right things, but basically leaving the decision with his children, which means he has a get out without being the one who says no.

How long have you been together?

@Lan2020 amazing - I'd love to hear your experiences.
We've been together only 18 months. He's been separated 2 years.
They don't seem to mind my age, and initially they acknowledged that their parents marriage was not happy and was over a long time ago.
However as time has progressed and the ex is offended by everything about me, acceptance is more unlikely!
I completely understand that its hard for them, unfortunately i don't see the ex coming to terms with anything so the kids are unlikely too also.

@MoppaSprings
He hasn't, and its the time just yet. Ideally we would consider having a baby in a year's time.
I suppose my concern is around 1. the DGC arrival & 2. if i'm willing to give up another baby if they never accept me

I don't think I could accept his 'children' having so much control
Where would it end?
Always having to acquiesce to their wishes; no, I couldn't. .

Inheritance isnt an issue - potentially some other selfish motivators though

I am sure he has reservations about having a baby in his 50's - understandably. I have those reservations too.
My father was 57 when i was born, so i'm obviously biased.
Any experiences with 50+ dads?

@MorriseysGladioli precisely

DH was 22 years older than me, and was 43 when our son was born. He had children from his first marriage who were in their teens, but luckily we got on really well (still do 21 years later). So our situation was different to yours in that respect. However, DH died when our DS had just turned 18. It devastated us all, but DS is still finding it difficult now to deal with his grief. You have that to consider - an older father is more likely to die when your child is young. Now I never thought I would be saying this, I always subscribed to the view that DH and I were soulmates and age didn't matter - and to some extent that is true, we adored each other and I regret nothing - but the risk factors were higher.

DSS2 has just had his first child and has been very clear that I am one of the child's grandparents, he wants me to be fully involved in their family life despite only being his widowed stepmother. He sees me as on an equal footing with his mum, because he lived with me and his dad full time from 12 years old and I did all the school and uni stuff with him that a parent would do.

The reason I mention this is that your situation sounds similar in that your stepchildren are only a few years younger than you, and you are currently not considered as part of the family unit - do you think your DSD would consider you a grandparent to her child? I had DS really soon into my relationship with DH and although the kids were great with me, I worried that they wouldn't accept their little brother - is that not something that would worry you too? Because if you have a baby, he or she will be their sibling, and it could be really difficult for your child to not be accepted by their brothers and sisters. Plenty to think about I would say - if the relationship with his children were stronger, the age gap wouldn't be such a worry in your situation, but if the worst were to happen and your DP did die, would his children keep you and your baby in their lives?

Sorry for the really long answer, I'm probably waffling!

@VienneseWhirligig
wow. I'm sorry for your loss xx
Yes, lots to consider.
I lost my dad when i was in my twenties - I feel for your situation.
I was not accepted ever by one of my three sisters, the others I called my 'Aunties' and always made me feel included.
Perhaps because i have personally lived this - it seems manageable, but possibly i'm not giving the complexity enough considerations

He does not really want another baby.

My husband was 28 years older than me, and 58 when we had our first baby.
He was keen to have children with me, he'd missed a lot of his first two children's childhood as he was in the services.
His grown up children tolerated me, his DIL hated me. I lost a baby, and her reaction was good, as it was her children's inheritance he was spending on his new family.
My DH died when our children were 10 and 8, and it was a very hard time for us.
I have some regrets, my mum died when I was 10, and it's very hard to go through that.

There are a lot of additional hurdles, some of which you don't realize yet.

You are at vastly different ages and stages of life and so much more and it's already showing though you're not even married yet. His kids are your age. He's looking at enjoying his golden years, he doesn't want babies. And he's slowing down physically, which will become more apparent with time. Your friend sets will likely not have much in common because who wants to hang out with someone their kid's age or their parent's age, and so on. Probably much better to re-think this and find a more "age appropriate" partner.

I’m 52 and the thought of having another child, even if I didn’t have to bear it, would bring me out in a rash. Look, if he really wanted another child he wouldn’t be letting his current children have any say in it - that’s nuts. He knows and you know his kids aren’t going to be happy about it so that lets him off the hook. If you really want another child it’s not going to be with this man.

Sorry but this is gross. His grandchild will be older than his youngest child

And he's sleeping with someone who's barely older than his own daughter

His kids are grown adults. Their reactions are their own and nothing to do with the ex despite what you or your boyfriend may want to tell yourselves. No child in that situation could respect their dad for leaving their mother and shacking up with someone who's about their age. What he's done has made things sick and uncomfortable for everybody.

I don't blame his ex wife or kids for not being happy that their 51 Dad went for someone who is 33. If your relationship is lovely then that's great. People do end up in relationships where the age gap is entirely circumstantial.....but it's funny isn't it how it's always the man who is much older? Although it's hard to think like this when you are in love with someone, his reasons for going out with a woman 18 years younger than him may not be the same as your reasons for going out with a man who is 18 years older, and that can come with quite a few downsides and risks, physical and psychological.

Some people don't age well. They can start ageing rapidly once they get to a certain age - it could be a development of an illness that is more common in older age groups. How would you both manage that if you had a small child? Oh hold on, I already know - you would end up having to do most of the work. When he's older he'll have a nice young nurse to look after him - great for him isn't it, but please think about what it will be like for you in that position OP.

2 years separated is not that long for any child, even an adult child to process their parents not being together.
It's lovely that you've both found love but I couldn't fathom having another child in my 50's when I had adult children. You also have a mid teen. I can't really see what the benefit of bringing a baby into this situation. If your dp was my dad I would be hoping that he would be embracing grandfather hood, not being knee deep in his own newborns nappies. Perhaps that is selfish- I have never been in that situation 🤷‍♀️

How would your teen feel about it?

My ex husband married a woman 18 years younger than him. They've have two babies (one pregnancy he hid until after the baby was born and our grown up kids found out via facebook!). I know for a fact he never wanted anymore babies and now feels "stuck". In a short space of time, he has become an alcoholic and a very aggressive and angry man. He apparently hates that his life has gone backwards by 22 years and his peers are now spending their weekends paragliding, enjoying lie ins and spending the money they have worked hard for. .... whereas he now goes everywhere with nappies and spends his weekends in ball pits, covered in baby puke ! LOL!
My dad was 20 years older than my mum and I hated that all my friends thought he was my grandpa. He died when I was in my early 20's and it's been hard living most of my life with no dad.

God @purpledaisy2021 those poor kids with an angry, aggressive, alcoholic Dad who rather be in playing golf What a shit to have chosen to become a Dad again then behave like that.

OP, I think you are focusing on the wrong issue, which is that he doesn't want children. He could probably be persuaded but that wouldn't be right for either you, him or the baby.

my partner has said he would love to have a baby with me, provided his children are happy for him to do so…

So basically he's saying no, but in a way that is a bit weaselly and not explicit, and you're not hearing it.

I also suspect that he does not really want another child, but is too cowardly to admit it. I may be biased, though, as that is exactly what my exh did with his mistress - he even told her there was nothing he wanted more than a third child with her. But back in the real world, he told me he couldn't imagine having a child at that age.

How about you? You've listed a lot of reasons why it's fine for you to be with him. But also a lot of uncertainty and sadness about the actual situation you are in.

Had your bf moved out when you got together, or was he still living with his ex?