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Original poster

Age gap relationship & babies

108 replies

Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 01:02

I am currently in a relationship with a man 18 years older than me. I am 33. While this may seem like a large age gap, to me it feels natural. I had my first child when I was 18, meaning my social circle has always included those much older than me through things like my sons school, mothers groups etc. in fact even as a child I always geared towards older peers. I don’t have any concerns re age. I’m very comfortable with my decision. Interestingly my own father is 20 years older than my mother - make of that what you will

My partner has adult children, 21 & 28, who are causing some complications for us. They’ve struggled with their parents separation and naturally their father starting a new relationship. Perfectly understandable. We’ve had some challenges along the way, mostly me feeling sad about their rejection, general rudeness etc but for the most part I think we can get through this aspect.

I would like to have a baby with my partner. I love him dearly and we are very compatible. I have read all the stats, and aware of the very minuscule risk his age poses.

However. My partners daughter has recently announced her own pregnancy. I doubt I will be a part of this babies life for a long time as she still has not accepted me. This really breaks my heart.
I’d love to share in that joy with my partner, but also because I am hoping for a baby of my own.
We have discussed this at length and age concerns aside my partner has said he would love to have a baby with me, provided his children are happy for him to do so………….
I understand of course their opinions need to be considered and understood, however - two people who are not ready to accept me (and may never) cannot be in control of our future in this way!?

I don’t know what to do. I can wait - ?!? Or I can walk. Is there another option I’m not seeing!?
I need a reality check, please!

OP posts:
KateMuff · 31/05/2021 16:16

He doesn't want a baby. He wants a younger woman who already has older children so he can enjoy his old age with a younger woman with no dependants. If you've got a good job you'll be perfect, a young 'nurse with a purse'. My dad thought he'd struck gold but her 2 sons immediately moved in and won't leave, and dads feeling v sorry for himself. Dickhead.

Onelifeonly · 31/05/2021 16:38

I don't think he is too old at 51 to be a father again. After all, the chances he will survive until the child is an adult are high, given male life expectancy is now into the 80s.

I think the problem you have is he doesn't want to. Having almost brought up my kids to adulthood, I can well understand why he wouldn't want to go back there.

It would be good if you could have a direct conversation with him and get him to verify this to you, so you are clear as to where you stand. (Or get him to give a time scale if he actually does want to do this)

It's really not an issue about older fathers if he doesn't want to have another child and I feel you are focusing too much on this.

As for the family issues - potentially they sound very tough and could put a massive strain on your relationship, especially if another child becomes involved. It's not about his ex, but his grown up children. Of course he has a right to his own life and relationship, but it's understandable his children find it very tricky.

I think you need a frank conversation with him.

doingthehoovering · 31/05/2021 16:39

Carrie and Boris, 33 and 54

CutieBear · 31/05/2021 16:48

He already has adult DC and now he can have the benefits of cooing over a new baby without all the stress (his GC). It seems that you and your OH are at very different stages in your lives and aren’t very compatible, even though you say the age gap feels “natural.” You still want DC, but your OH is too old to start again.

His family don’t like you either so you’d be bringing an innocent child into a hostile environment.

SandyY2K · 31/05/2021 16:51

This reads to me like he doesn't want a baby, but is blaming his kids rather than being honest with you because he doesn't want to rock the boat or get into a scenario where you try to convince him. His kids' behaviour and lack of acceptance of you is his get out of jail card.

Absolutely 💯percent.

CutieBear · 31/05/2021 16:52

@hopingtochangeeachtime

So you have a 14/15 year old how do you think they will feel? It's a big age gap. I understand why you would want to. I do think he's quite old and my DH is 47 and we have a one year old but he doesn't have other kids already.
Your DH is nearly 50 with a baby. Why are you saying OP’s DP is too old when you’re in the same situation? I have parents your DP’s age and I’m in my mid 20s.
SunshineCake · 31/05/2021 17:01

@Staceyandco

I grew up in this situation. Please try to be sensitive
No one is being insensitive and it is nothing to do with your childhood Confused.
Carbara · 31/05/2021 17:02

In that case: it is a terrible idea to have a baby with an old man, especially given he obviously doesn't even want one with you. Be happy with the children you have and stop having a tantrum because nobody on this thread is telling you it's a good idea.

Yup.

Over 50 is a incredibly old age for reproductive organs. The only important question is how would it benefit all of the existing kids to have a sibling/half sibling that’s a generation younger than them? How would it benefit the theoretical kid to exist? To have an elderly parent when still a kid themselves?

Clearly OP is going to go ahead and get the boyfriend to impregnate her and just wanted everyone to cheer her on. Oh well.

SandyY2K · 31/05/2021 17:05

It's never good to have a situation where a parent can easily be mistaken for being a grandparent. It's just not fair to the child.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 31/05/2021 17:11

I don't think people need to be rude about it but in as kind as possible way, 50s is too old to have a baby. Just because it is physically possible doesn't mean that it's all that great does it.

I don't understand the negativity towards the adult children in these situations either- is it really that surprising they aren't delighted at their dad being in a relationship with someone barely any older than them? Just negotiating the dynamics of that is frankly a nightmare- you aren't ever going to be a step-parent to them, your child is going to be far too young to be a sibling to them- can't imagine how weird it would be to have a child older than a sibling too.

It would definitely change my opinion of my dad, if he had a relationship with someone that much younger than him. If you both want to continue the relationship that's obviously your right to do so but I don't think you can complain that everyone in the wider family isn't delighted about it.

EssentialHummus · 31/05/2021 17:50

Carrie and Boris, 33 and 54

I presume this is your way of telling the OP not to do it Grin.

HerMammy · 31/05/2021 18:06

It’s only been 18mths, in your position with the difficult adult kids and his age, I’d move on or accept no more kids.
I’d understand if you never had any kids but you have two, no need to have one in each relationship.

SarahDarah · 31/05/2021 18:21

[quote Staceyandco]@SarahDarah if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all[/quote]
@Staceyandco I can say exactly what I want, thank you very much. You're not here to police people's opinions. I doubt you'd be singing the same tune if you were in the ex wife's or his children's positions. Only certain types of men go for women who are young enough to be their daughter and they do it for a reason.

As others have said, he's too old to be a new father and you're being very naive about the excuses he's giving you. Instead of replicating your childhood, find a man who you can do your own "firsts" with and won't string you along with useless excuses because you provide a young body for sex, or half heartedly goes ahead with it but has to split himself between 2 families over two generations. You deserve much better than this.

HerMammy · 31/05/2021 18:31

@SarahDarah
Hardly a first, OP has two kids of her own but it’s creation or some such of their love 🙄

miltonj · 31/05/2021 18:36

Rightly or wrongly I can't imagine being impressed if my dad had babies with someone only a few years older than be after only being with them a very short time.

My feeling is that 50 odd is too old... he's had his kids and that chapter of his life is done. You've got children too, I would just focus on enjoying your life together, your bloke, your kids, and maybe even having a better relationship with his one day. It's your life though and that's just my personal thoughts on the matter.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 31/05/2021 18:51

What you are doing is upsetting the balance of a family. Can’t you see that starting a family with someone after they already have a family is a totally different dynamic, starting a blended family with a huge age gap.

You are creating a lot of conflict selfishly

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 31/05/2021 19:15

This is difficult to say - but if your own dad was an older dad, and you lost him in your 20s, have you had any therapy to work through that? Because it doesn't seem a coincidence that you're now considering having a child with a much older man. Thanks

Needanedittbuton · 31/05/2021 19:33

It's never good to have a situation where a parent can easily be mistaken for being a grandparent. It's just not fair to the child

That's daft Grin I was 40 when DD was born. Easily old enough to be her gran - should I not have had her?

Cherrycee · 31/05/2021 19:56

@Needanedittbuton There's a pretty big difference between 40 and 51 though.

Needanedittbuton · 31/05/2021 21:39

I know. I was addressing Sandy's remark.

Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 21:43

I suppose I had a feeling he perhaps didn’t want to have a baby, which wasn’t glaringly obvious as he initially floated the idea with me.
I selfishly thought I was done having babies until a few mentions from him sparked my interest again.
I had babies so young and missed out on so much as I went straight to work, and my children, although much older, would love siblings and have always wanted that.
I did believe the kids were the issue as I’m aware of the further difficulties having a baby would cause in their relationship. I’m thinking it’s more likely he doesn’t want any more after reading these responses.
I didn’t know his age when we met, and he didn’t know mine. As I have a 15 year old son he assumed I was older and I assumed he was younger. We were both surprised to learn the others age. So when I say it feels natural for us, it’s because we didn’t question this
We are still early days - 18 months in. In my opinion not near long enough to have a baby. I’m thinking of my future and seeking advice from people who have done it to make a decision on why I can/can’t accept

For those mentioning the ex. Believe me I feel for her. I wasn’t on the scene when they split, it’s her own fault which possibly makes it harder for her to accept. I can’t however understand telling your adult children they are not to have a relationship with their dads new girlfriend. My sympathy ends there - regardless of your own personal feelings as a parent you have to put somethings aside.

OP posts:
StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 31/05/2021 21:51

Do you not think that a 28 year old (21 year old too but especially 28 year old) is capable of forming their own opinions about their dad's relationship?

Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 21:57

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind of course I do, and I would expect that. Certainly not making excuses. I can however empathise with how difficult it is to deal with.

OP posts:
StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 31/05/2021 22:19

@Staceyandco the thing is, how many men of his age, who have adult children and who are about to become a grandparent, really want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights? Especially when this is likely to put an even bigger strain on the relationship with his existing children. You really cannot blame them for not being over the moon about the relationship.

You have children already. I would understand you thinking about another baby more if neither of you had children but you both do. If you want to continue in a relationship with someone far older than yourself, I think you ought to focus on your existing children, and for him to do all he can to ensure his relationship with his own children doesn't deteriorate further. And then perhaps later on down the line you will be able to get on better with his children.

Blackbird2020 · 31/05/2021 22:27

You talk a lot about what you want (a chance again at the baby years without needing to rush back to work), what your bf wants (actually, you don’t say why he wants another child), what your teens want (a baby bother/sister)...

But what about what this baby might want? Will this person want half brothers/sisters who might not ever acknowledge them? Would this person want to be starting adulthood with the knowledge that, with luck, the stats are that dad will die within the next 10 years.

Why do you both want to bring another human, another long-lived, complex life into this already not ideal scenario. I can’t see any benefits for this baby. None at all.