Age gap relationship & babies

[Staceyandco]

I am currently in a relationship with a man 18 years older than me. I am 33. While this may seem like a large age gap, to me it feels natural. I had my first child when I was 18, meaning my social circle has always included those much older than me through things like my sons school, mothers groups etc. in fact even as a child I always geared towards older peers. I don’t have any concerns re age. I’m very comfortable with my decision. Interestingly my own father is 20 years older than my mother - make of that what you will

My partner has adult children, 21 & 28, who are causing some complications for us. They’ve struggled with their parents separation and naturally their father starting a new relationship. Perfectly understandable. We’ve had some challenges along the way, mostly me feeling sad about their rejection, general rudeness etc but for the most part I think we can get through this aspect.

I would like to have a baby with my partner. I love him dearly and we are very compatible. I have read all the stats, and aware of the very minuscule risk his age poses.

However. My partners daughter has recently announced her own pregnancy. I doubt I will be a part of this babies life for a long time as she still has not accepted me. This really breaks my heart.
I’d love to share in that joy with my partner, but also because I am hoping for a baby of my own.
We have discussed this at length and age concerns aside my partner has said he would love to have a baby with me, provided his children are happy for him to do so………….
I understand of course their opinions need to be considered and understood, however - two people who are not ready to accept me (and may never) cannot be in control of our future in this way!?

I don’t know what to do. I can wait - ?!? Or I can walk. Is there another option I’m not seeing!?
I need a reality check, please!

This is difficult to say - but if your own dad was an older dad, and you lost him in your 20s, have you had any therapy to work through that? Because it doesn't seem a coincidence that you're now considering having a child with a much older man.

I'm inclined to agree with this comment OP, and that's not in any way intended as a criticism.

It's quite common for people to repeat the cycles/dynamics of their own childhood in their adult lives, both the good and bad.

How did you feel about having a much older dad, and dealing with a certain level of hostility from his side of the family? It can't have been easy. Not expecting you to answer that question here, but it's something to explore if you do decide to try therapy.

Why the obsession to have a baby with him?! Why can't you enjoy each other and travel and live a nice life. You can hang out with your grandkids but then go home and have a relaxing evening. I don't blame him at all for completely dodging the topic. He's a grandpa in a different life phase, I doubt he would want to start all over again!!

Op, is he divorced yet?

There are already 4 children in this scenario and I'm not sure why you want to add a 5th. Especially since it will cause many issues with his children. What if he lost complete contact with them. That's a real risk for him. My dc would be beyond horrified if their father had a new baby. They would lose all respect for him and he's a similar age.

Your dc may say they want a sibling but the reality could be very different, given you will change dynamics and they will lose time with you. I assume you don't live together yet so there are many steps on the journey to blending families before you throw in a new baby. If this man is your future you don't need a baby. However I think your 30s is when you start to realise your time is running out so be aware that biological click ticking maybe a reason.

Would you be able to financially support yourself as the relationship didn't work out? Don't assume he will always be around.

Your dc may say they want a sibling but the reality could be very different

Yes, I'd be curious to know when they actually expressed this wish. It's the kind of thing a younger child would say. 15 year olds aren't generally desperate for a baby sibling, especially when they already have a sibling.

Op, I grew up without a dad because he didn't bother to have a relationship. My mum then had a sting of relationships which I just had to suck up, when the third one went down the Swann you, she got together with the son of her then-husband's best friends.

He was 6 months younger than me.

It was awful. I just wanted my mum (we didn't live locally so when I went up to see her it was a planned trip).

It was horrible. Not because I thought she didn't deserve happiness but because she reinvented herself for this man who was younger than me, and who resented my presence BECAUSE HE WAS EQUALLY AS IMMATURE AS ME!
I don't think people understand how odd it is to have your parent intimately attached to someone the same age as you.

I know on paper it shouldn't matter, but in real life, it really does.

In this situation, why would a baby make what you have better? Why is the life you have not enough?

My Sons dad had 2 kids with his wife and adopted her son
When they split up he met someone else quite quickly ( a think there was a crossover) who had a kid of her own and they had a baby together to
“seal the relationship”
Fast forward a few years and none of his kids from his first wife speak to him and neither does my son .
None of them have anything to do with their half brother either
my sons never even met him and has no interest in meeting his very young half brother .
My son is his eldest at 27 and his youngest child is 20 I think ( not inc new baby )
My Exes daughter has 2 small babies one about 18 months older and one around 6 months younger than Exes new child .
So he has two grandkids and his own kid who are all under 3

The kids all think it’s gross and that their father is a idiot and none of them like his new partner either
None of them went to his wedding and none of them speak to him at all 😂

Ex is now 54 and he had his baby at 52 I think - he was really such a gorgeous bloke, I mean beautiful looking right up till he had his last kid - that one had aged him 20 years overnight 😂

@Cherrycee

Your dc may say they want a sibling but the reality could be very different

Yes, I'd be curious to know when they actually expressed this wish. It's the kind of thing a younger child would say. 15 year olds aren't generally desperate for a baby sibling, especially when they already have a sibling.

I agree with this- I would honestly have thought it's a rare 15 yr old who would be happy to have a baby sibling at that age... I'd have thought it would be exactly the opposite!

Teenagers don't like to admit it but they need their parents a lot at their age. A tiny baby requiring lots of attention could be really difficult for teens to deal with.

I have read the thread. Are you both from the same culture? I only ask as my male cousin met a much younger woman from the Far East (South East Asia). He had adult Dc from his 1st marriage - new DW not a lot older. They quite openly at family gatherings talk about "their DC" happening. I wouldnt dream of asking what his DC and his siblings (my cousins) think about it all. They are a lovely couple but the age gap is similar to yours and he is older. I hope he hasnt mislead her. No DC yet. She is lovely, but I worry, as her sibling also married a much older Westerner.

I think if yòu didn't already have two children I would say to run a mile as he is stopping you becoming a mother, but that's not the case. You need to figure out why do you feel you must have a child with this man, who clearly doesn't really want to? Also I don't really understand why your children have said they want a sibling when they already have one in each other? How do they feel about your boyfriend by the way? Are you all living together?

Hey Carrie! Congratulations on the recent wedding, but I didn’t know you’d had another baby so young?

Sorry @Staceyandco. Couldn’t resist. More seriously: I think that it’s hugely important that you forge a relationship with your partners kids before thinking of bringing any more children into the world- in fact look at Boris and Carrie on how not to do this- seemingly he has no relationship with his eldest four now and that’s sad and means that the kids from this new relationship with Carrie will never know his younger son (and any more kids he might have). My own parent was the eldest child of a man who went on to have more kids with a new wife, the youngest of whom being born when my parent was 32! For the sake of our family unity, I wish that my grandfather and step-grandmother had made more effort to include my parent in their new family and make sure there was a relationship there.

Clearly you can’t do this alone and will need to enlist your partner. I would say he kind and persistent and actually listen to your new step kids concerns. Don’t jump into having a baby with him... get to know the kids he already has first and bring your 15yr old into their lives too. Work on a truly harmonious blended family before adding anyone else to the mix.

Good luck!

@SomewhatSalty how old was your partner when DC was born?
How did you build the relationship to come to acceptance?

A 51 year old man with grown up kids of his own does not want a new born baby. It's one of the great certainties in life, like death and taxes.

I imagine it's also very uncomfortable if not creepy to his kids to have dad's girlfriend be one of their peers. Why try to push something that is so ill fitting?

@BigHeadBertha I’ve said a few times my age is not their concern

@TrishM80 There are plenty 50+ year old who most certainly do want a baby

My mother had a 2 year relationship with a young man who was 30 years younger than her. He was a year older than me...

His mother had left him as a small child & gone on to build a family with the 'Other Man'. She was there for those kids, born when first child was in his early teens.

My Mum ended the relationship - it had become very obvious that he was looking for a maternal figure.
She encouraged him to find someone his own age - he was still under 25 at this point.

He always acted like a jealous sibling around me - he hated it whenever Mum & I went out together.

I found the whole thing quite funny - a sort of 'you go girl' attitude. Mum didn't want to marry him & she was post-menopausal (on HRT!) so no chance of more children.

Marriage was never on the cards. This young man needed therapy more than a relationship a woman older than his mother & my Mum was well aware of this.
I hope he's ok & has managed to build a family of his own.

A totally different situation to yours OP but I can fully understand the existing children's attitude as they are so close to you in age. Plus any half-sibling would be younger than their own children.

I believe your DH doesn't want anymore children, he wants to enjoy grandchildren that he can hand back at the end of the day, so he is using his children's reaction as an excuse.
You already have children who are heading towards adulthood. Enjoy your relationship with your DH & watching your children grow up.

Just because it worked with your DF doesn't mean it'll automatically work in your relationship.

I don't understand the negativity towards the adult children in these situations either- is it really that surprising they aren't delighted at their dad being in a relationship with someone barely any older than them?

I don't either, I would feel the same.

I do know someone who became a father at 50 & they are excellent. However I think hes the exception & age gap was 9 yrs.

He has been separated for only 2 years, and you've been together for 18 months ? No wonder his adult children are a bit negative - Dad moved on very quickly after a ( presumably) long marriage. It's possible that they assume you were the OW.

If they don't accept you now, I highly doubt they would accept a baby especially as it would be younger than his own child's baby. He's moved on very quickly and you've not been together long. No wonder the adult kids aren't thrilled.

Agree, he moved on very quickly which won't have helped the transition to the new normal. He also had his kids quite young (23, so not super young, but younger than average) so if he has a baby with you he'll have had dependent kids for his entire "good health" adult life. I can kind of see why he's not more enthusiastic. I don't think this is about age gap so much as life stages. Maybe question why you want to go in for a second round when your own DC are almost grown up. One of the benefits of having children young is that you're still young when you're done.

I think your partner is saying that having a child with you would be nice in different circumstances. I think having a baby would make things even more complicated and increases the potential for difficult family relationships ten fold.

Personally, I wouldn't have a child with him. Certainly not in the immediate future (I'd want things with his kids to be much more stable) but adding his age into the mix, I think I'd rule it out.

I think as others have said, if you want another go round the parenting stuff, then I'd end things and continue the search for the right person. His age, his family circumstances mean he isn't the right man to have another child with.

That said, I think I would enjoy this new stage. Work at the relationship with his kids, not so that you can be step mum, but so you can be civil and decent to each other. I don't think the age gap in itself is problematic.

Hi op. It sounds very complicated. You're young, find someone a lot closer to your own age so you can have some fun together. Also, if you've been a mum all your adult life, why don't you enjoy life without the ties of a young child?

And as someone your boyfriend's age, I would not want a newborn again. And my kids are a lot younger than your boyfriend's.

I wonder if your DPs children see you as someone who’s temporary, eg. The rebound relationship or their dads fling with a younger woman.

It’s still so soon after their parents split up.

Perhaps in a few years time, after you’d been around for a while they’d be more accepting. I’m glad to see that you think it’s too soon to have a baby yet anyway. I can’t imagine the reaction from your DPs children would be positive at all.

I know a man who is a dad to 3 primary aged children, was 46 when the first child was born and never overly fit or active but what a difference 10 years makes! He’s great at listening, teaching them and making them into lovely children but He is mistaken for their grandad and doesn’t bother to do anything physical with them as he can’t keep up.
I always thinks it’s a shame as he’s obviously a lovely dad but hasn’t got the energy to keep up with them.