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Original poster

Age gap relationship & babies

108 replies

Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 01:02

I am currently in a relationship with a man 18 years older than me. I am 33. While this may seem like a large age gap, to me it feels natural. I had my first child when I was 18, meaning my social circle has always included those much older than me through things like my sons school, mothers groups etc. in fact even as a child I always geared towards older peers. I don’t have any concerns re age. I’m very comfortable with my decision. Interestingly my own father is 20 years older than my mother - make of that what you will

My partner has adult children, 21 & 28, who are causing some complications for us. They’ve struggled with their parents separation and naturally their father starting a new relationship. Perfectly understandable. We’ve had some challenges along the way, mostly me feeling sad about their rejection, general rudeness etc but for the most part I think we can get through this aspect.

I would like to have a baby with my partner. I love him dearly and we are very compatible. I have read all the stats, and aware of the very minuscule risk his age poses.

However. My partners daughter has recently announced her own pregnancy. I doubt I will be a part of this babies life for a long time as she still has not accepted me. This really breaks my heart.
I’d love to share in that joy with my partner, but also because I am hoping for a baby of my own.
We have discussed this at length and age concerns aside my partner has said he would love to have a baby with me, provided his children are happy for him to do so………….
I understand of course their opinions need to be considered and understood, however - two people who are not ready to accept me (and may never) cannot be in control of our future in this way!?

I don’t know what to do. I can wait - ?!? Or I can walk. Is there another option I’m not seeing!?
I need a reality check, please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 10:23

I grew up in this situation. Please try to be sensitive

OP posts:
Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 10:24

Moved out

OP posts:
ravenmum · 31/05/2021 10:27

Do the kids think you are the reason their parents broke up, or are they "just" upset by the speed of the change? How long would you be willing to wait, to see if they grow to like you better?

Gerwurtztraminer · 31/05/2021 11:54

I agree with others that saying he'd have a child with you if his other children 'give permission' is a cop out. He knows they won't ever come around, so really it's a no isn't it. What makes you have any hope his children will change their mind?

For what it's worth, my father was 28 years older than my mother and in his 60's when me & sibling were born and although I have some mixed views on having children where there are big parental age gaps I'm not completely against them.

On the hand hand actively hostile adult children is difficult.

Best Friend (BF) is married to a man 24 years older than her. He has 3 children from previous marriages/relationships, 2 of them older than BF. They have an 18 year old child together born when BF was 38, so Husband is now turning 80years old. He's very fit and mentally healthy so far (other than prostate cancer seriously affecting their sex life for the past 10+ years) but clearly slowing down physically.

BFs oldest 'stepdaughter' absolutely loathes her and made her life very difficult over the years. Didn't attend the wedding even when offered for trip for her and family to be paid for (lives abroad). No congratulations on birth of her new sibling. Lots of emotional blackmail of father causing arguments between BF and Husband, especially since 'rescuing' her meant long expensive flights, accommodation etc. Was unfriendly and hostile to young sibling when BF & Husband visited (even when sibling was just a child). BF & Husband also had rows over money and him bailing out Stepdaughter and the 2 other children various financial messes without telling her and when they couldn't really afford it. Things are a bit better now but it still has its moments.

Also as a father, her husband was very hands off in the baby years and over indulgent during the toddler/child/teen stages. BF said his view was he'd done the nappies thing etc before and was over it, and just wanted an easy life and to be friends with child not a disciplinarian. So BF is always the 'bad guy' which has really affected the relationship with her child.

It's a difficult one but if having children is important to you, I think most people looking at it from the outside will say he doesn't want a child and can't bring himself to tell you that.

RantyAnty · 31/05/2021 12:38

He's too old.

Is he completely divorced yet?

He met you about 6 months into separation and it must have been a big ego stroke to him to have someone so young.

He doesn't want anymore children. He's been there and done that.

hopingtochangeeachtime · 31/05/2021 12:42

So you have a 14/15 year old how do you think they will feel? It's a big age gap. I understand why you would want to. I do think he's quite old and my DH is 47 and we have a one year old but he doesn't have other kids already.

EssentialHummus · 31/05/2021 12:46

His “oh the children” is just a cop-out. Be prepared for him to pull the same trick with other things he doesn’t want to do.

And please think really carefully about what kind of dad your average 50-something bloke will be.

Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 12:55

@hopingtochangeeachtime sorry - 47 to 51 is not much of a difference.
@EssentialHummus I have two children to an average 35 year old. My own dad was 60 when I was 3 and he was a wonderful father.
That’s not the point

OP posts:
Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 12:59

@SarahDarah if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all

OP posts:
hopingtochangeeachtime · 31/05/2021 13:00

I know and I would love more children too, but I have two and I think it's enough. He's too old to keep going.

hopingtochangeeachtime · 31/05/2021 13:03

The difference for me is my youngest will be 18 when my DH reaches retirement age 65.

Patapouf · 31/05/2021 13:28

I wouldn't think it's a good idea for anyone to have a baby in their 50s and that doesn't change just because it's a bloke and biologically easier.

If my DF decided to have a baby with someone my age I would be so thoroughly disgusted I probably would not see him anymore. I think having half siblings younger than own children is just gross. You may want to cement your new relationship but that part of his life is over.

Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 13:35

@Patapouf you’d disown your father if he chose to share the joy of children with someone he loves??

OP posts:
Patapouf · 31/05/2021 13:40

[quote Staceyandco]@Patapouf you’d disown your father if he chose to share the joy of children with someone he loves??[/quote]
🤮

Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 13:42

@Patapouf I see you’re not mature enough to have any advice. Jog on!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 31/05/2021 13:43

My dad ws 46 when he had my brother, my grandad was 43 when my dad was born, and my great-grandad was 52 when my grandad was born, back in the days when there wasn't much choice! It's a relatively new thing for children be quite so carefully planned. And you can't live your life based on what other people think. But tbh I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, with a partner who doesn't sound like he's being entirely honest, and a family who are so unwelcoming.

motogogo · 31/05/2021 13:46

Realistically he doesn't want a child with you does he? He wants his children's approval which he knows he won't have. If you want a relationship that fine but accept it won't be one involving a child and you will not be part of his wider family

PaddleBoardingMomma · 31/05/2021 14:02

@SarahDarah

Sorry but this is gross. His grandchild will be older than his youngest child ShockConfused

And he's sleeping with someone who's barely older than his own daughter Confused

His kids are grown adults. Their reactions are their own and nothing to do with the ex despite what you or your boyfriend may want to tell yourselves. No child in that situation could respect their dad for leaving their mother and shacking up with someone who's about their age. What he's done has made things sick and uncomfortable for everybody.

What a horrible nasty post. I dread to think what you're like generally to those around you with opinions like this. Gross.
Patapouf · 31/05/2021 14:02

[quote Staceyandco]@Patapouf I see you’re not mature enough to have any advice. Jog on![/quote]
My advice is don't do it, not sure how that wasn't clear from my initial post?

Original poster
Staceyandco · 31/05/2021 14:14

@Patapouf clarity is definitely something you lack

OP posts:
Patapouf · 31/05/2021 14:28

[quote Staceyandco]@Patapouf clarity is definitely something you lack[/quote]
In that case: it is a terrible idea to have a baby with an old man, especially given he obviously doesn't even want one with you. Be happy with the children you have and stop having a tantrum because nobody on this thread is telling you it's a good idea.

No wonder his kids don't like you if this is how you talk to them 😂

Sakura7 · 31/05/2021 14:36

OP I think Patapouf has obviously touched a nerve, but most people probably would feel that way if it was their own DF (as you're finding now with his children). You're a similar age to his eldest, of course that would be uncomfortable.

I also believe 51 is too old to have a child, and I say that as the child of an older dad myself. It's also clear your partner doesn't want it but he's fobbing you off with an excuse.

Even if you did go ahead and have a baby, you need to think about what life will be like in 10-20 years. All of the responsibility will fall on you, and you could be raising a teen while caring for an aging partner. Also I can see the child feeling quite isolated unless you have a really good network around you.

SVRT19674 · 31/05/2021 14:42

I think that he isn´t being straight with you. The fact that he is delegating your fertility to his kids is a red flag in itself. But I think what he means is no, he doesn't want to have a kid with you. Like when my toddler requested chocolate this morning and i told her, let´s ask X (her nursery teacher) if she will give you some, when I know full well they don´t have chocolate on the premises. He is infantilising you.

Sideofnoreturn · 31/05/2021 14:53

It’s not nice to hear, but he’s too old to be a father and it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in it either. If you want a child then I think you need to find a new partner. If you persuade him into it when his heart isn’t in it it will backfire on both you and the baby.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 31/05/2021 15:04

He's not an old man!! He's 51 FFS.

OP I think his comment about his adult children giving him the green light to have a baby with you is evidence he doesn't really want to.