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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/06/2021 16:07

Don't be surprised if he leaves his current job to one where you can't claim CMS Angry

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/06/2021 16:15

And don't feel bad getting what you're owed when other women don't. Just bung a monthly donation to a women's charity and John's 'hard earned' money can help free other women from other Johns.

This is such a great idea!

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 24/06/2021 16:22

R0semary, imagine how much energy you are going to have once this is all settled.

It's going to be exhilarating.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 24/06/2021 16:56

@MrsTerryPratchett

And don't feel bad getting what you're owed when other women don't. Just bung a monthly donation to a women's charity and John's 'hard earned' money can help free other women from other Johns.

John would really hate that. Just in case the kids tell him at any point...

I do this. Or mental health charities (ex doesn't 'believe in' mental health problems).
MotherofTerriers · 24/06/2021 17:15

Be careful if he has fiddled his tax as this will be the basis for child maintenance. But if you've got proof of his income your lawyer should be able to sort this

R0SEMARY · 24/06/2021 17:58

@RandomMess

Don't be surprised if he leaves his current job to one where you can't claim CMS Angry
He can’t leave his current job for another 18 months, otherwise he loses a huge bonus that he gets at the end of the contract. I do mean HUGE, a lot more than his salary.

So yeah I’m not expecting to get the child maintenance for more than a few years. It stops when the kids leave school anyway.

OP posts:
R0SEMARY · 24/06/2021 18:09

@MotherofTerriers

Be careful if he has fiddled his tax as this will be the basis for child maintenance. But if you've got proof of his income your lawyer should be able to sort this
I have his job contract, proof of his net salary every month for the last 18 months, details of his pensions and all his tax returns going back years.

That’s what happens when you leave your paperwork behind in the attic when you move house because you are too busy and important to arrange for a removal company.

I could add that’s what happens when you use the same password for everything . But obviously I would NEVER do anything like hack into his accounts as that would be totally wrong.

OP posts:
PinkCast · 24/06/2021 19:36

I am so glad I found you again OP! I was wondering how you were getting on - I'm sorry you are going through such a horrible time, but you really do sound so strong! I'm sure things are a lot tougher than you say on here - you come across with such wit and resilience Smile
Wishing you nothing but the best for a wonderful John-free future! Flowers Wine

Ginfilledcats · 24/06/2021 19:47

Op you are handling everything so amazingly! Your kids will be so proud!

R0SEMARY · 24/06/2021 21:14

Thank you @PinkCast and @Ginfilledcats. And everyone else who has written such lovely posts and I’ve not managed to name check.

I can’t tell you how much of a support you have all been, it really helps.

Yes I’m trying to put a brave face on it for the kids but today I phoned the CSA and the woman was so lovely, I burst into tears on the phone Blush

OP posts:
prettybird · 24/06/2021 21:23

You are a wonderful, intelligent and resourceful woman, who is a fantastic mother @R0SEMARY Thanks

Don't ever forget that Thanks

Justilou1 · 24/06/2021 22:21

We’re very proud of you @R0SEMARY

whynotwhatknot · 24/06/2021 23:31

Go girl you can do this-glad got the ball rollnng with maintenace would love to see the look on his face when that leter arrives

R0SEMARY · 25/06/2021 00:21

Ok so tonight’s drama is we discovered that he has locked us ( me and the kids ) out of the family Amazon account. We all share one Prime account but each of us uses our own bank cards to pay for things. So it’s not as if John was paying for anyone except himself.

But John has changed the password and the email address so none of us could log in.

Fortunately one of the kids was still logged in on one device through audible so got into the account to find out what was going on. Turns out that John had ordered several hundred pounds of electronic items using my personal bank card details Shock .

So we’ve been able to cancel the orders and delete all our cards off the account. Of course John will get a notification that we’ve done all this but he can’t change it back.

I can’t tell you how unimpressed the kids are with this. The one who is the most clued up about money is furious because he can see that it’s unethical and morally it’s theft . Even if it’s not legally as the cards were on a joint account.

The other two are more concerned that they can’t access any of the movies or books I’ve bought them on audible. The one with SN uses audible all the time.

I was so busy dealing with things like the council tax and utilities I totally forgot about the Amazon account 😯😯

What a bloody stupid thing to do. He’s going to make the kids hate him.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/06/2021 00:38

Did you get screenshots? This is NOT going to go well in terms of his claims that you dont need any money off him. He refuses to pay anything to you and then spends what little you do have?!

I would be banging out a very clear email detailing exactly what he has done, what you and the kids have done to rectify it and that anything further like that will have you contacting the police. Then wait for the email admitting and justifying it to come back. A good one to add to your court bundle......

We can laugh at some of his ridiculous stuff but this makes him and out and out CUNT.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/06/2021 00:38

What a petty little 'man' he is! Thank God one of the kids was logged in!

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/06/2021 00:40

Actually surely it IS theft as he used your personal card, knowing it was yours. Even if you were still together it would be theft!

He could try and claim it was mistaken but in light of his recent comments about not giving you any financial contribution it would clearly stand out as malicious.

BruceAndNosh · 25/06/2021 01:07

"child maintenance funds your lifestyle"
First time I've heard buying food for your kids referred to as a lifestyle choice

R0SEMARY · 25/06/2021 01:23

@AcrossthePond55

What a petty little 'man' he is! Thank God one of the kids was logged in!
YY I think it’s because one of them was logged into the Audible app at the time.

@PyongyangKipperbang - no I didn’t think to take screenshots, one of the kids was deleting the orders and all our bank cards on his phone on the app.

All I could think about was getting the orders cancelled ASAP as they often send then out very quickly on prime. And of course to get all our bank card details deleted.

I’m sure he will just tell the kids it was a mistake, he didn’t notice that he had used my card details and that it just defaulted to that ( it doesn’t ) . And of course he would have paid me back - how dare anyone suggest otherwise!!

If I try to make anything of it with the court / lawyer , he will say using just card was a mistake and he changed the password as he got a security alert. It s all completely plausible.

The kids spent half an hour arguing with each other that our account must have been been hacked. Of course it’s not very likely that a hacker would send items to John’s home address Hmm

But they eventually concluded that the change of password must have been done on a device already linked to the account ( ie John ) otherwise DS would have got a security alert.

Why on Earth would John think this was a good idea? It’s like Helen withdrawing the wedding invitation all over again.

They think “ Oh I know, here’s a clever thing I can do that will piss off Rosemary and put her in her place “. But they don’t seem to realise the knock on effect and how others will see it .

I used to think it was because they could only think one step at a time . But having read some of the links here / watched YouTube videos about narcs I realise it’s deeper than that.

It’s because they don’t think others are real, have feelings and agency - we are just actors in their drama and need to do what they have written in the script. So they are not just surprised - they are totally incredulous when we don’t do what they want.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/06/2021 02:07

You may well be right about Helen, in fact I am sure you are. But John.....I'm not so sure. I really do think that he can only think one step at a time, hence his lies that would (and did) inevtiably fall apart. This business tonight, you check your bank tomorrow and £££ is gone to amazon, details changed and bingo.

She is a narc no question. Him, I really do think that he is just fucking thick.

GAHgamel · 25/06/2021 03:23

@R0SEMARY Do you still have access to the email address that was associated with the Amazon account before he changed it? It might be worth a call to customer services, explaining you think your account's been hacked, and asking if they can transfer it back to you. You'll probably need to dig out some old order confirmation emails or delivery notes, so you can use the order numbers as evidence that you had legitimate access to the account

You probably also need to talk to your bank/credit card company and get them to issue you with a new card, just in case he takes it into his head to repeat the "mistake" anywhere else. Sorry to add to the burden of tedious admin, but it's better safe than sorry.

TheTeenageYears · 25/06/2021 04:13

Amazon Prime itself is chargeable so who's card has been paying for that over the last year or so? You might be able to explain the situation to Amazon and either reclaim the current account or have any ongoing items held against the account such as audible transferred over into a new account in your name only.

The digitalisation of things like reading material and music is tricky. Previously in a divorce physical books and DVD's or CD's could be physically split between parties. That's not so easy with digital and some people have a fortunes worth of films or music tied up in the likes of itunes.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/06/2021 04:21

Didnt Bruce Willis have a court case about digital content that he had paid for?

Orgasmagorical · 25/06/2021 05:56

If I try to make anything of it with the court / lawyer , he will say using just card was a mistake and he changed the password as he got a security alert. It s all completely plausible.

Still mention it to your SHL though - would he normally order a shitload of stuff after a security alert? And you'd think he would be being extra careful, not being so careless as to use the wrong card.

bigbaggyeyes · 25/06/2021 07:30

So glad you found this out before the items had been charged to your account.

What a horrid thing to do, to his kids. Does he not realise that they will start to hate him for these types of things. You can kind of see why Helen turned out the way she did, with a father like this. 'Monkey see, monkey do' Thank god your kids have you.

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