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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
YanTanTethera123 · 23/06/2021 06:04

😀 He really is as dim as a Toc H lamp isn’t he?
Thank heavens he’s recording it all nicely in emails for you too!

bigbaggyeyes · 23/06/2021 07:37

My ex decided to represent himself so he didn't have to pay for a solicitor, because he could find out all he wanted on google. I'm swear he'd read something, that was 'close enough' for him to twist into what he wanted, then convince himself it was right, and therefore I'd agree, and if I didn't a judge would Grin

My solicitor said to him that she'd wished she'd known she could get all her information off google, and then interpret it herself, as it would have saved her £££'s and years at legal school. He just smiled and nodded. I genuinely think he missed the sarcasm and thought she was being serious. It didn't end particularly well for him Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/06/2021 07:50

I’ve just caught up having seen your new thread trending. You are epic! He sounds like a vile snake.

I’m truly sad for what I’m reading about how your ex treated you. And to all the other posters on here, who’ve shared their experience. Flowers

Justilou1 · 23/06/2021 08:35

Just make sure you don’t lose your shit when/if you react to this codswallop and just file cms and decree nisi ASAP.

Boonlark · 23/06/2021 09:07

Also file for temporary ancillary relief (pre divorce spousal maintenance)

sueelleker · 23/06/2021 09:20

He really is as dim as a Toc H lamp isn’t he? I haven't heard that for years!

Hen2018 · 23/06/2021 09:59

Don’t worry about talking about money.

I got 70% (children live with me 100% of the time) then I took on his debts for him, which meant I got nearly 100%. He walked away without £30,000 of debt but with nothing else.

In court he ended up with about £15,000 “owing” from me, which I would have had to pay when both children reached 18. There was much “lively” talking between ex and his solicitor then we filed back into court to hear that Mr Hen had made the “magnanimous gesture” to put that money in trust to the children (or he would have lost it paying his legal fees - he took me to court 40 times as he had legal aid and I didn’t). I’ve never seen anyone go such a shade of green.

I knew he would never get a job, as that would mean paying child maintenance. 16 years later, he still has no job and lives at his mother’s. Despite only paying between £5 and £7 a week maintenance, somehow he still owes £1500.

L0bstersLass · 23/06/2021 11:03

Thank you for taking the time to post the update @R0SEMARY.

He really is a piece of work isn't he. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but pleased and entertained in equal measure that he's daft enough to put his bonkers ideas in writing.

You're getting great advice from other posters, I have nothing to add to that other than to wish you the very best.

R0SEMARY · 23/06/2021 11:27

@PyongyangKipperbang

I am just amazed that a man who is such a witless pillock has managed to amass such a large amount of money!

@R0SEMARY

On behalf of all of us who didnt get what we earned in our marriages to these men, take this arsehole to the cleaners and when you do, raise a glass for us! I for one wont bregrudge a second (or a penny) of your happier life :)

Thank you @PyongyangKipperbang. I was conscious it must seem very crass to women who struggle to get £20 a month out of their ex.

I’m touched by the generosity and kindness of everyone posting on both my threads. I’ve been lucky to escape the usual step mum haterz and now the “ be grateful for a tenner because I only get a fiver “ crowd.

John is indeed very confident in his own interpretation of the law . Eg that child maintenance is based on his interpretation of my need and not on his income.

Through to be fair I’ve seen dozens on threads here on MN with second wives / new GF complaining that their partner shouldn’t have to pay for his children as his ex doesn’t need it as she has a job / went on holiday / gets her nails done/ once bought a carry out meal.

So clearly these are common views - that the NR parent gets to decide on the level of CM and that R parents should not be allowed the smallest of “luxuries”.

He obviously thinks that “ you should cash in your pension instead “ is a clever argument. BTW this is a good public sector pension that I accumulated before I married him . So he’s very irritated that I’ve got that sitting there and he can’t touch it. But of course it would be complete and utter madness to take that all out now.

And I have no pension for the duration of our marriage because I was working in our business and he said we couldn’t afford a decent salary for me, let alone pension contributions. He was lying ( you will be surprised to know ).

I was saddened by his idea that he’s willing to give the children the money to spend on trainers / computer games but not to me to keep a roof over their heads. I have to say it shows how little he knows his children, because 2/3 of them are pretty well aware of my financial situation and would pass it over straight away.

They are old enough and smart enough to understand that we are not poor ( we have a nice house and run a car ) but that most of my income goes to pay off the mortgage / bills so we don’t have a huge amount of disposable income.

But I know that CMA will force John to pay CM to me and not the kids. But no doubt that will take months.

Once he actually gets himself a real lawyer I assume they will tell him he can’t get out of this. AFAIK there’s no way around it for salaried employees - you have to be self employed / have your own company /work overseas / work cash in hand to dodge it.

OP posts:
Maxiedog123 · 23/06/2021 11:38

Will CMA backpay you?

R0SEMARY · 23/06/2021 12:05

AFAIK they backdate to when you make the claim.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 23/06/2021 12:23

I hope my post comes across as intended - very pro-you and I hope you get the best deal possible.

RandomMess · 23/06/2021 12:31

I would actually speak to CMS again urgently and ask if they would like a copy of his emails disputing that he has to pay anything at all. They may well intervene sooner.

Maxiedog123 · 23/06/2021 12:35

@R0SEMARY

AFAIK they backdate to when you make the claim.
Better get the claim in them!
R0SEMARY · 23/06/2021 12:48

@Hen2018

I hope my post comes across as intended - very pro-you and I hope you get the best deal possible.
It does @Hen2018, thank you. Your ex sounds like a piece of work - living off his mother and refusing to get a job in case he has to pay for his own kids.

Don’t these men realise that in time their kids will see through them ? Maybe not at 6 but probably at 16 and certainly by 26.

Two of mine have already sees through their father and the third is starting to see, which is quite upsetting as DS is so sad and down about it. He’s only stayed over his dads one night and complained to me about the cheap soft mattress ( he’s a big lad ) and no bedding .

Another day he took the bus to his dads after school but his dad had forgotten about him and gone out.

John is pretty angry about the fact that the kids aren’t really bothered about him - the same as he’s been too busy for them all of their lives. I assume that’s why he’s trying to buy them by paying them the child support instead of me.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 23/06/2021 13:00

@pointythings

Rosemary you are starting to process everything that you've gone through now that John has gone. That means a lot of bad memories are going to resurface. It's normal and natural, it's your brain's way of working through trauma. The best thing you can do is let it happen, but if it gets too hard it might be worthwhile looking to see if the NHS offers a wellbeing service in your area where you can self refer for some talking therapy type support. The way you feel right now is shit, but it's part of your recovery from your awful marriage and in the end you will come out stronger and happier. Been there, done that. Flowers
This is absolutely right.

I had extensive therapy last year after one massive thing happened and I couldn't get over it on my own but the therapy brought up lots of other things and it was a case of processing things which was hard work, upsetting, unsettling but ultimately helpful.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2021 14:03

John is pretty angry about the fact that the kids aren’t really bothered about him - the same as he’s been too busy for them all of their lives.

So many 'high powered' (or just plain ignorant) men think a child is something you can put on a shelf and ignore until you feel like taking it down to play with, only to put back on the shelf when 'more important' things come along. And they are oh so surprised when that child channels the time and attention they'd gladly have given their fathers to their mums or to other people, people who made time for them. It's sad all round. But to quote the Good Book; "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".

Or to put it in a more 'modern' way:

Ellie56 · 23/06/2021 15:28

I don't understand. How does a man so stupid manage to get a job that pays so much? Hmm Confused

And yes @R0SEMARY get that CMA claim and spousal claim in quick!

sueelleker · 23/06/2021 15:57

John is pretty angry about the fact that the kids aren’t really bothered about him - the same as he’s been too busy for them all of their lives.
Has he started complaining that you're setting them against him yet?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2021 16:52

@sueelleker

John is pretty angry about the fact that the kids aren’t really bothered about him - the same as he’s been too busy for them all of their lives. Has he started complaining that you're setting them against him yet?
Ah yes! That'll be next....allegations of 'parental alienation'. Thank God the DC are old enough to give their own opinions about that, even though he won't hear them any more than he's ever heard R0SEMARY. He'll continue to justify himself to himself until the day he shuffles of this mortal coil.

As far as how someone so stupid makes so much money....well, ruthlessness and amorality go pretty far in today's business world. Living in the US, I only have to look to the former occupant of the WH to see where stupidity, avarice, and greed will get you when partnered with those two vices. And the destruction that follows in their wake. But I don't want to derail into politics so as Forrest Gump said "That's all I have to say about that!".

whynotwhatknot · 23/06/2021 18:41

It shouldnt take months op hes n a fully emplyed job they dont even need proof from you they now go straight to hmrc and find out what he earns

they do try and encourage to do it privately but if he refuses they'll take 20% on top of what he owes and unfortunatel take 4% from you but its still better than not having anything

Good luck take him to the cleaners

R0SEMARY · 23/06/2021 18:48

@whynotwhatknot

It shouldnt take months op hes n a fully emplyed job they dont even need proof from you they now go straight to hmrc and find out what he earns

they do try and encourage to do it privately but if he refuses they'll take 20% on top of what he owes and unfortunatel take 4% from you but its still better than not having anything

Good luck take him to the cleaners

Oh that’s good to know. Funnily enough I have a copy of his last tax return. He fiddled it.

I told him it was wrong. I got an accountants opinion and the accountant told him it was wrong and gave him the correct calculation.

John ignored that and did his own figures. Gosh I hope HMRC never find out about that because it would cost him a lot more than the child / spousal maintenance he is disputing.

OP posts:
EverNapping · 23/06/2021 19:09

Whilst I dream of having lots of money, I don't begrudge you a penny of what you manage to get out of John for one Very Important Reason: the pre-requirement that is John.

No thanks to the thought of that.

IntoAir · 23/06/2021 19:14

No it’s by email

The man's a genius! Hand him his Ignobel Prize.

You have his conniving illegal plans in writing. A mediator and then a Family Court judge will make mincemeat of him.

R0SEMARY · 23/06/2021 19:40

Nearly all the conversations I have reported are by email. Except a few of the early ones about Helen. I might have voice recordings of them though.

I try to avoid talking to him face to face as he’s so rude and aggressive.

OP posts:
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