Do I settle? | Mumsnet

Unsure98 · 2021-05-29T21:25:36+00:00

I’m really at a cross roads. I’m 36 and need to make a decision soon about whether I settle for my current partner and have the baby I’ve always wanted with him, or move on and hope to find someone I’m more compatible with to start a family with. I’m very stressed by the thought of moving on but not finding someone else and ending up childless. I can’t go it alone. Thoughts welcome.

TO12T39FRQ · 29/05/2021 22:31

no, never 'settle'

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 22:35

Does he want a baby with you?

Either of you interested in marriage?

What’s wrong with him that it would be settling rather than actively choosing?

And will you leave him once you’ve got the baby?

spotcheck · 29/05/2021 22:35

You mean ' use' ?

As in, do you use someone you are not in love with for your aims.

Do you seriously need people to tell you the answer to this?

KeyboardMash · 29/05/2021 22:38

I think if you already know you're 'settling' it doesn't bode well for getting through the hard early years of parenting. You say you can't go it alone, but if you already know this person isn't really right for you, I'd say you have a better chance than most of ending up divorced - and you don't need to spend long on these threads to see how easily that can happen to people who thought they'd found The One.

coronaway · 29/05/2021 22:50

Would you be happy if the roles were reversed?

Original poster

Unsure98 · 29/05/2021 22:53

I do love him. But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I’m scared it will be worse after having a baby. I’m wondering if I have a baby, and it doesn’t work our long term, that’s fine. So many relationships fail anyway. I’m just trying to think practically.

OP posts:

milkytwilight · 29/05/2021 22:55

@Unsure98

I do love him. But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I’m scared it will be worse after having a baby. I’m wondering if I have a baby, and it doesn’t work our long term, that’s fine. So many relationships fail anyway. I’m just trying to think practically.

Him being abusive is quite the drip feed there. But in the interests of answering your question, NO, don't have a baby with an emotionally abusive man.

Twoforthree · 29/05/2021 22:57

Actually op, I see your reasoning. I know when I was early thirties, I was panicking a bit. If you definitely know it won’t last though, you probably shouldn’t.

Craftycorvid · 29/05/2021 22:57

Please, please, please, never settle! Especially with an abusive man.

grapewine · 29/05/2021 22:58

Why would you have a baby with this man, who is already abusive? Your child will be saddled with him as a parent.

Your thinking is muddled.

cookinahurry · 29/05/2021 22:58

Do not settle for someone who is making you unhappy already and you know, deep down, it's only going to get worse.
Life's a rollercoaster of good times and bad and you need a soulmate on your side who loves and support you come what may.
He already sounds like a twat and will get worse!

Original poster

Unsure98 · 29/05/2021 23:02

Thanks for your replies
I’m worried that I won’t find someone to settle down with at my age if I were to start again
If I were younger, I’d have more time
I rarely meet men I actually like and fancy as it is and it’s only going to get harder

OP posts:

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 29/05/2021 23:03

Jesus Christ. No, for the love of all that is holy, don't give an abusive man a lifetime of leverage over you and saddle a child with an abusive father! That is sheer madness talking. You'd be far better off with a sperm donor.

Dump him, date, and start making a backup plan to go it alone.

LindaEllen · 29/05/2021 23:12

@Unsure98

I do love him. But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I’m scared it will be worse after having a baby. I’m wondering if I have a baby, and it doesn’t work our long term, that’s fine. So many relationships fail anyway. I’m just trying to think practically.

Oh come on. You want a guy like that having legal access to your child?

Itsprobablynothingbut · 29/05/2021 23:16

Please do not stay with an abusive man. I am about your age wanting a family but not in a position to TTC yet. I fully understand how you feel. However, this would not be just settling for a man who doesn't excite you. This would be putting yourself and any future kids in the way of emotional abuse and having your life made difficult. Do you really want to be stuck with this man for 18 years?

I suggest you leave him, waste no more time then immediately start looking hard on OLD, and in real life.

I know you say you don't want to go it alone and also get that, but a sperm donor is at least not going to abuse you.

Sandra15 · 29/05/2021 23:17

Christ. In your first post you asked us if we think you should settle with this guy and have a child. I thought he is just some Tim Nice But Dim sort of bloke. Next post you tell us he's emotionally abusive. And you want a child with him? Hello?

Is this a case of mid 30s and you think your time is running out and you won't find anyone better? For the love of Mike, get real. You know the answer yourself.

I'm 37 and a half and wouldn't settle with him.

Branleuse · 29/05/2021 23:19

Of course you dont have a child with someone emotionally abusive. That would be mad. Who you have a child with is not a small decision. Youll be tied to him and he will almost likely also be emotionally abusive to a child too, especially once they start amswering back.
Stop wasting time with this one and find someone better. Youre still young

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/05/2021 23:20

Well that was a drip feed. I was going to say that if your partner is a decent guy, and you have been together a while, and you really want a baby then I would stick with him, bit why would you even consider staying with an emotionally abusive man? You think he won't do the same to any dc you have?

Original poster

Unsure98 · 29/05/2021 23:25

Thanks to all those being encouraging about my age and how I still have time. I’m panicking though. What if I don’t find someone. As mentioned I don’t come across many men I actually like and am compatible with. And I read so many threads on here about how tough online dating is and there are hardly any eligible men my age and above. I know it’s true.

OP posts:

Original poster

Unsure98 · 29/05/2021 23:26

I’ve thought about going it alone and I can’t afford it and I’ve always wanted a family unit.

OP posts:

Motnight · 29/05/2021 23:26

Op you aren't ready to be a parent if you are willing to deliberately give a child an abusive father.

user1481840227 · 29/05/2021 23:29

It's madness to consider having a baby with a man like that and then be tied to him forever more!

You said you 'can't go it alone' but if you have a baby with a man like this there is a HUGE chance that you will end up going it alone anyway!! and his only input in parenting will be to be an annoyance or a stressor in your life!!

user1481840227 · 29/05/2021 23:30

@Unsure98

I’ve thought about going it alone and I can’t afford it and I’ve always wanted a family unit.

Well you don't have any kind of solid foundation for a family unit with this man, you have said he's extremely selfish and emotionally abusive, so what kind of family unit can you possibly have with him?

LivingLaVidaCovid · 29/05/2021 23:32

@Unsure98

I do love him. But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I’m scared it will be worse after having a baby. I’m wondering if I have a baby, and it doesn’t work our long term, that’s fine. So many relationships fail anyway. I’m just trying to think practically.

Whatever you do - Do not have babies with this man.

I resolved to either find someone good or not have any as I (like you) did not want to go it alone

DateXY · 29/05/2021 23:33

@Motnight

Op you aren't ready to be a parent if you are willing to deliberately give a child an abusive father.

This.