Do I settle?

[Unsure98]

I’m really at a cross roads. I’m 36 and need to make a decision soon about whether I settle for my current partner and have the baby I’ve always wanted with him, or move on and hope to find someone I’m more compatible with to start a family with.

I’m very stressed by the thought of moving on but not finding someone else and ending up childless. I can’t go it alone. Thoughts welcome.

All of your comments are about what you want and not what would be good for the child.
If you are willing to put a child in a potentially dangerous situation for your own gain then no, you should not have a baby.

I actually completely get where you're coming from op

I got pregnant by a psychologically abusive idiot, thanks to a contraceptive fail. But I kept my baby as I believed it was my only chance. Because he made me feel so shit about myself that I believed I'd be alone forever if I left him. when I was actually worth ten of him and about a million miles out of his league. I realised all this once my baby was born and I kicked him out forthwith and was very happy on my own with baby ds

Eventually met dh and I'm happily married now and have two more dc.

Can people stop laying into the OP, please? She's in an abusive relationship and scared about time running out to have a family. I fully agree it would be a bad idea to have a baby with this man but what's the point in calling her names or speculating on her tricking him into getting pregnant?

OP, you do have time to meet someone and have a family but you don't have time to waste on someone like your current partner who treats you this way. I would say the same if you were 26 or 46. It's time to step away from the man who is mistreating you and invest time and effort into looking for someone else.

Agree @Monsteraobliqua

@Unsure98

Branleuse I’m worried about my age, lack of time, and decent men available etc

Plenty of decent men are available, seems to me you fancy dicks. Why not try chatting to some that may not tic your initial boxes looks wise but once chatting you may find there personality (and decentness) far outshines the 'fancying by image'' that so may people seem to use when picking partner

Ouch some really nasty comments on here! Similar situation to you @Unsure98 can I ask what signs of emotional abuse as I think I'm going through the same xx

@Unsure98

AnneLovesGilbert Yes. I’m just not sure, and muddled, and that’s why I’ve posted here.

Can you provide examples of how he is emotionally abusive, maybe that will help people advise you better

Glad it worked out shetlandponies

HalzTangz when I say lack of eligible men, I’m not talking about looks 🙄

Thanks so much Monsteraobliqua rationally
I know I have a little more time, but after dating for years and years, meeting one awful guy to the next, I am dreading having to start all of that again. If I were younger, it would be a no brained and super easy. I just feel stuck, and confused right now, but I know what you say is true. Thanks again.

*brainer

OP I wholly understand. You are getting some dreadful responses. Those women who have kids or who don’t them have no idea how it feels to be running out of time and feeling like you have no or only suboptimal options. Online dating is dire and there are very compelling reasons why the remaining available men in their mid-late 30s are single.

I chose the mildly emotionally abusive guy (well meaning but real lack of any intimacy and affection). We haven’t had luck ttc yet (I’m 38 now) and part of me wonders if my body knows the truth. I have no answers tbh it totally sucks and I would sell my soul for a time machine right now but wanted you to know you aren’t alone!

It’s always easy to look back on your past and say if I was only 5 or 10 years younger I could do this and that. How might you feel when you’re 45? Maybe you’ll be thinking how young you were 10 years ago and how you could have left and found a new relationship. There is time.

I think some people can have unrealistic relationship ideals and it can be good for them to reflect on what kind of relationship they should be in etc. However not with someone who you admit is emotionally abusive. Don’t settle for someone abusive. It won’t end well and it won’t be good to have children with. More problems will come.

I'm very sorry you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Whilst I understand your feelings of running out of time against your biological clock. Having an abusive parent, even when parents no longer are together, destroys children. Often the immense hurt and effects of trauma are felt all the way through adulthood. Please do not knowingly bring any children in to an abusive relationship.

The guilt would also eat you up as a parent, and your child may even grow up to resent you. The other danger is that the child grows up to be just like his Dad.

And as pp have said you can become completely trapped in the relationship precisely because you have children, and do not want him having an awful influence on your growing child. Not wanting them to have fifty percent custody, or worse they make up lies to fight you for full custody. Also the emotional abusers get worse after having children. They also get worse at the stage a child is starting to pushback, talk back, have a voice and opinions of their own that do not meet with his. They want to control their children and see it as their right as they are in the abusers eye their possession. It is hell for the children and it will be hell for you as the parent.

You have a chance to do the right thing. Not only for a child, but yourself. You can and will be happier out of this relationship. You can meet someone else. I think you may have created a fake fantasy future in your mind if you were to "settle" and get pregnant soon. I promise it will not work out the way you'd expect or hope. It's really a pipe dream.
Perhaps burst that in your mind fantasy bubble, by reading other people's stories and experiences of having children with abusers or from children who have had a parent like your partner. I am sure there are many threads here on such topics.

Go and grab life with both hands. Escape this unhealthy toxic relationship. I hope you do and find someone worthy of being a Dad. There may be specific dating websites that are at a premium for like minded people. As someone else said, sperm donation as an absolute back up, or their is adoption. I wish you all the best.

Sorry people have been so awful to you here. Think about a sperm donor or a co-parenting option. You can do it.

You said you cannot afford to do it alone. Do you really think an abusive man will support you?

OP,

Why would you consider having a baby and tieing yourself to an abusive man.

I don't think you are ready to have children if you would want so little for your child as an abusive father.

Have you an idea the damage an abusive parent does to a child?

@Unsure98

I do love him. But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I’m scared it will be worse after having a baby. I’m wondering if I have a baby, and it doesn’t work our long term, that’s fine. So many relationships fail anyway. I’m just trying to think practically.

Goodness! Run! Do not inflict this on yourself or future children.

I’m just not seeing the logic here OP:

• you say you can’t go it alone, but at the same time you’re happy to accept that the relationship might not work out. Which means you obviously can go it alone. Why not just do that?

• you’re scared the dating pool of decent men in their late 30s / early 40s is small. Maybe it is, but why limit yourself to that age range? There are plenty of men in their late 20s / early 30s who are ready for serious relationships and children.

Daft idea for all the reasons stated above

Don’t waste any more time on this guy, he sounds horrible

Dumo him and get going - you can do this! I left somebody at 33 for similar reasons and was happily married and pregnant three years later

Leave the dick, freeze your eggs, and get back out there. :)

So you would choose for your child to have an emotionally abusive man for a father? Why? Better yet, how could you do that to any potential child. You know he's selfish. You know he's abusive. Yet you would inflict that on an innocent child.
He's not the only selfish one sadly. If you can't think of your (potential) child now, imagine how much damage you can actually do overall

Your thinking is arse about face. You want to have a baby with someone abusive? Really?

You keep saying that you are worried about meeting an awful guy @Unsure98 but you are with an awful guy now!! Please don’t inflict this on a child.

No. Don’t bring an innocent DC into an abusive relationship. That’s really selfish when you have the freedom to leave him! Also, do you plan to lie to him so you can fall pregnant? I’d say that’s abusive.