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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I settle?

114 replies

Unsure98 · 29/05/2021 22:25

I’m really at a cross roads. I’m 36 and need to make a decision soon about whether I settle for my current partner and have the baby I’ve always wanted with him, or move on and hope to find someone I’m more compatible with to start a family with.

I’m very stressed by the thought of moving on but not finding someone else and ending up childless. I can’t go it alone. Thoughts welcome.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/05/2021 12:10

Understandably, people can have unplanned babies with abusive men but she's talking about deliberately choosing a selfish and abusive man to be the father of her child. NO responsible person would do this. Even if you're desperate for a child, you have to put THEIR wellbeing first.

This. OP isn't someone who has a good partner who has changed after she had a baby. Or someone who has had an unplanned pregnancy with an abuser.

She wants to knowingly bring a baby into the world with an abusive man who would then have access to that child for at least 18 years, with the child either living with OP and him having this dynamic displayed to them, teaching them abuse and unhappy relationships are normal and acceptable or would live with OP but have contact with an abusive man and all the possible consequences of that.

It would be utterly selfish and irresponsible of OP to purposefully get pregnant by this man. And the worst start to motherhood - making a decision entirely based on her wants and not on a child's needs. Unbelievable.

MSQuinn · 30/05/2021 12:35

I think some people do settle. Not everyone meets the love of their life but meets someone they love and have similar values with but someone do not have a baby with someone who is emotionally abusive. It will get worse and might become physical. I’d rather be alone than with someone abusive. And it will be harder to leave if you have a child together.

HelpWendy · 30/05/2021 20:23

Do. Not. Settle.

Life becomes a slippery slope.

namechangingforthis19586 · 30/05/2021 20:29

Of course you shouldn't.

If you split, your child would have to put up with that person on their own. They wouldn't get to walk away. They wouldn't have the option of a new life, new dad.

EarthSight · 31/05/2021 11:25

But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I’m scared it will be worse after having a baby

I thought you were going to say 'My partner and I don't have as many things in common as I like but he treats me really well' or something like that, but the negative qualities should make this decision easier for you.

Having a baby with him could actually be worse than a childless life. Have you considered this? It's a real possibility. No one here has a crystal ball, but abusive men often become worse, sometimes much worse after their partner has a child. They know the woman is vulnerable and will not think twice about using the kids as an emotional weapon against her, even if you end up getting the main custody of the children. Expect years of mind games and him trying to play them off against you, if he's really vindicative.

If he's extremely selfish, don't be surprised if he abandons you in difficult circumstances, like if you had a child with a lot of health problems or needs.

Women really need be coached in what reproduction is, more than the fundamentals of actually having a baby - by reproducing with him, you are agreeing to possible reproducing another version of him. Your kid might be just like you, or just like the grandparents, or a mix of all of you, but would you want to be a single mum with a teenage boy who turned out to be just like his father? Nurture can't conquer all. Some personality traits are inherited, so it's a risk. Are you willing to take that risk?

EarthSight · 31/05/2021 11:27

Also, like @anthurium , I sympathise with you and your situation. However, I'm not sure if you realise what it might mean for your life if you end up having a baby with someone like this.

CatalinaCasesolver · 31/05/2021 16:41

You've read threads about how hard it is finding decent men, have you read all the threads about co parenting with abusive men?

I know which I would prefer.

SoapboxFox · 31/05/2021 16:51

I do love him. But he’s extremely selfish and emotionally abusive.

OK, you can 'settle' for this yourself if you choose, while no children are involved. You're an adult and it's up to you.

But you are also choosing a father on your child's behalf. Do you want your child to describe his father as 'My father is extremely selfish and emotionally abusive'?

Please gather your strength and LTB. A sperm donor would be a better idea.

IsabelHerna · 09/06/2021 10:17

I am sorry you are in an abusive relationship.
Having children is an important decision as many others have pointed out before me.
My father is emotionally abusive and controlling, to the point that my mum just now is starting to realise it. As their child, I am going to tell you it wasn't easy, and many of my important life choices were affected by that.
I would say think about it as a mother. The mother of your future child. I completely understand your need for a baby (I have the same need as well), but in my books, my mum (and any other woman in her situation), would do a great job on her own. He didn't really help her raise me, on the contrary he created problems she needed to overcome.

I am sorry for being so straight forward, and I want to make clear that this is just MY experience and MY story.

I believe you are strong enough to leave this abuse, and I know that because you actually see that this is not a normal behaviour. It is difficult to take the step. I would say make an appointment with a counsultant, to support you through this, and help you navigate this sad and difficult and dangerous situation.

I wish you all the luck in the world, if you need someone to talk to do not hesitate to DM me.

Original poster

Unsure98 · 09/06/2021 10:24

Thank you to IsabelHerna for your kind message and everyone else for your time

I have ended the relationship

I’m a little scared as time isn’t on my side but it’s worth the risk to see if I can meet a special man and have the happy family life I have always dreamed about

OP posts:

Sandra15 · 09/06/2021 10:43

@Unsure98

Thank you to IsabelHerna for your kind message and everyone else for your time

I have ended the relationship

I’m a little scared as time isn’t on my side but it’s worth the risk to see if I can meet a special man and have the happy family life I have always dreamed about

You have done the right thing. Wishing you strength and positivity and good luck.

IsabelHerna · 09/06/2021 11:44

Thank you so much for the update!
Being scared is natural and understandable, and that is what makes your decision a brave one.

I am trully proud of you and your strength!

Wishing you all the best, I am here if you need anything :)

Peach01 · 09/06/2021 12:08

@Unsure98

Thank you to IsabelHerna for your kind message and everyone else for your time

I have ended the relationship

I’m a little scared as time isn’t on my side but it’s worth the risk to see if I can meet a special man and have the happy family life I have always dreamed about

This is the first I've seen this thread.

This is great news. As daunting as it is you've done the right thing. I hope you meet someone very special. It does happen

shetlandponies · 09/06/2021 12:21

@Unsure98

Thank you to IsabelHerna for your kind message and everyone else for your time

I have ended the relationship

I’m a little scared as time isn’t on my side but it’s worth the risk to see if I can meet a special man and have the happy family life I have always dreamed about

Well done that's fab news x

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