Do I settle?

[Unsure98]

I’m really at a cross roads. I’m 36 and need to make a decision soon about whether I settle for my current partner and have the baby I’ve always wanted with him, or move on and hope to find someone I’m more compatible with to start a family with.

I’m very stressed by the thought of moving on but not finding someone else and ending up childless. I can’t go it alone. Thoughts welcome.

OP. I believe its easier to be a, single mum than have a baby with a man who you're settling for. If the man you are settling for is also controlling this point is increased 50 times imo

@BensonStabler

I'm very sorry you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Whilst I understand your feelings of running out of time against your biological clock. Having an abusive parent, even when parents no longer are together, destroys children. Often the immense hurt and effects of trauma are felt all the way through adulthood. Please do not knowingly bring any children in to an abusive relationship.

The guilt would also eat you up as a parent, and your child may even grow up to resent you. The other danger is that the child grows up to be just like his Dad.

And as pp have said you can become completely trapped in the relationship precisely because you have children, and do not want him having an awful influence on your growing child. Not wanting them to have fifty percent custody, or worse they make up lies to fight you for full custody. Also the emotional abusers get worse after having children. They also get worse at the stage a child is starting to pushback, talk back, have a voice and opinions of their own that do not meet with his. They want to control their children and see it as their right as they are in the abusers eye their possession. It is hell for the children and it will be hell for you as the parent.

You have a chance to do the right thing. Not only for a child, but yourself. You can and will be happier out of this relationship. You can meet someone else. I think you may have created a fake fantasy future in your mind if you were to "settle" and get pregnant soon. I promise it will not work out the way you'd expect or hope. It's really a pipe dream.
Perhaps burst that in your mind fantasy bubble, by reading other people's stories and experiences of having children with abusers or from children who have had a parent like your partner. I am sure there are many threads here on such topics.

Go and grab life with both hands. Escape this unhealthy toxic relationship. I hope you do and find someone worthy of being a Dad. There may be specific dating websites that are at a premium for like minded people. As someone else said, sperm donation as an absolute back up, or their is adoption. I wish you all the best.

I was going to write a very similar post to this one! It’s very easy to think of “having a baby” but remember you’re not just having a baby, you’re having a whole person.

My mum did what you’re considering doing. I have a lovely life now - but the after effects of her decision have had huge and catastrophic effects throughout my entire life. Not only do I now have very little contact with my dad, for obvious reasons, I also have very little contact with my mum, who was absolutely complicit in creating and failing to defend me from the hell that was my childhood.

I know it must be hard from your perspective but I urge you not to make a decision for yourself but on behalf of your future potential child.

It’s clearly a mistake to be any further involved with this man. Having his children will just give them an emotionally abusive father which would be really unfair

OP, no-one is coming to save you.

Focus on "I can't go it alone" - this is a lie. You can go it alone, you are choosing not to for whatever reason. People have babies and live thier lives in all sorts of non-ideal situations. Very few are worse than being with an abusive person.

One of those is being the child of an abusive perosn, because you are reliant on your parents totally and cannot leave, however brave you personally are.

Do not beocme pregnant with this man - for yourself (because you would be giving him a means of abusing you until your child is 18), and if not for yourself, for the child, who will be completely screwed -having an abusive father and a codependent mother.

Take that off the table and your future willl look a lot clearer.

I think the future dc would have 2 emotionally abusive parents.

When I started reading your thread, I thought it was going to be “I’m 36, with a very nice guy who’ll be a good dad but I find a bit dull”. And in that case, I’d probably have said that, if you want a baby and to raise a family with someone, then dull but decent isn’t a bad option and fireworks don’t always make a stable long term family. But emotionally abusive? Run for the hills.....

Dont have a baby with this man! He wont make a good father or co parent which you know …

I got divorced at 36 and thought I’d never have a baby…but I met someone else and had a baby at 38 so you do have time. Good luck!

And actually you wouldnt be “settling” you would be starting a nightmare!

"He's extremely selfish and emotionally abusive" - having a child with him will bring you a whole new meaning to misery. And as your child's father he will be in your life for the rest of your life emotionally damaging your child also. What are you thinking- there are easier ways to become a single parent if you think your future is without him after having a child with him.

If you have a baby with this man it will get worse. Much worse. You will either be stuck with him and miserable forever and so will your poor child.

Or you will leave and end up bringing a child up on your own anyway.

Having children is fucking hard OP and will absolutely test your relationship to the limit. Even the good ones crack under the pressure. An absolute shit show of a relationship is NOT a good foundation to start on.

Abusive men become MORE abusive during pregnancy, often this is when physical violence starts. Read the stats on this.

Abusive men cannot love their children because they lack empathy for other people. The child will become a leverage of control over you for the next 18 years.

Usually they don't help out with childcare (or anything else) and even if they do, it comes at a cost for you later on. If you have a child with this man, you will end up doing it all alone anyway.

He will exert even more control over you if you become pregnant and the child will become a pawn in his manipulation of you. You and your future DC deserve better than this piece of crap for a father!

@Unsure98 I had an emotionally abusive father, just as you describe your partner. We wanted for nothing materially and other ways but he caused SO much unhappiness in mine and my siblings childhoods through the way he treated our mother and us, and damaged our ability to make healthy relationships as adults. His behaviour has also permanently broken and damaged our family.

It IS extremely selfish to deliberately choose an emotionally abusive person to have a child with.

The point people are making is that you have to think about the actual child's best interests here.

They're not a product you're desiring, they're a real human being who will be forever impacted by the decisions you make.

And yes, as an adult I resent my mother for ignoring red flags and going ahead with my dad. She's the parent I'm closer to but as an adult now myself I see the responsibility she had and it's very hard to ignore.

He's a damaged person himself and caused us so much suffering and she should have known better.

My other siblings have a damaged, emotionally distant relationship with her due to modelling my my dad's own behaviour (when you choose their dad, you choose their role model and all children model themselves on the behaviour of their parents subconsciously). So you may get your child but they end up not what you expected!

unsure

re your comment:-

"now I have a little more time, but after dating for years and years, meeting one awful guy to the next, I am dreading having to start all of that again"

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. Meeting one awful guy to the next is not entirely coincidental here and I do wonder if one of your parents is abusive too.

What is wrong here with starting again?. Dating people does not cease at any one specific age. Staying with this man actively prevents you from finding someone else. And do not have a child by him under any circumstances for all the reasons described above. You have a choice even now with this man, a child does not.

OP the brutal truth is that you're mainly in your current situation of.running out of time because you've chosen to waste precious years on an emotional abuser. Get the heck out of there, go for therapy and in time, find a healthy relationship before even considering becoming a mother. Adoption isn't easy but it's a much better option with the right man who will treat you and any future children well, rather than deliberately choosing to have biological kids with an abuser.

@Monsteraobliqua, no one is "laying into the OP". She's a grown woman who has to take responsibility for her decisions. Being in an abusive relationship doesn't mean you're absolved from adult responsibility.

The fact is her post is all about what she wants, talking about the baby as if they're a consumer product she's desperate for, with no real care or thought for the human being she would be creating.

Understandably, people can have unplanned babies with abusive men but she's talking about deliberately choosing a selfish and abusive man to be the father of her child. NO responsible person would do this. Even if you're desperate for a child, you have to put THEIR wellbeing first.

The irony is she's in this situation in the first place because she's chosen to waste years on this "partner". She's been defensive when posters have pointed out her selfishness...if she could direct some of that same gusto to the abusive partner and getting herself out of the situation, then she wouldn't have her current issue.

If you end up alone forever and never have a child it would be a much better life than having a child with this man. You wouldn’t be settling, you’d be trapping yourself.

@Unsure98 DO.NOT.UNDER. ANY CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE A BABY WITH A NARCISSISTIC EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE partner!! I have been there and AFTER having our son, the behaviours escalated because the narc couldn’t handle my attention being on someone other than himself.

Then separation was HORRIFIC, TRAUMATISING for myself and our child. We both ended up with PTSD from it. We are still suffering 9 years on, because the narc can’t let go of control, despite him having moved on with multiple partners since me.

My son and the narc’s own children have continually borne the brunt of the narc’s anger, manipulation, coercion and the rest.

PLEASE walk away, even if you have to freeze your eggs or go it alone. Single parenting is not that hard and is INFINITELY better than being trapped in an abusive relationship where you are trying to protect yourself and then your kids as well.

I think some people are being a bit unfair, I started properly panicking about my chances of bring a mother at around 35.
Those fears were realised when I wound up childless and in my 40s.
There ARE few decent single men around that age too. Dating is horrific and I had even more precious time wasted by dickheads that strung me along by promising the earth.
Think very carefully about whether it's worth it, but it might be worthwhile considering a childfree future.

The thing is OP the longer you spend dithering in an abusive relationship the less time you have to find a good partner to have children with. My advice would be to get out now. Don't use him to give you children - that just makes you as bad as him.

@Monsteraobliqua

Can people stop laying into the OP, please? She's in an abusive relationship and scared about time running out to have a family. I fully agree it would be a bad idea to have a baby with this man but what's the point in calling her names or speculating on her tricking him into getting pregnant?

OP, you do have time to meet someone and have a family but you don't have time to waste on someone like your current partner who treats you this way. I would say the same if you were 26 or 46. It's time to step away from the man who is mistreating you and invest time and effort into looking for someone else.

I agree with stopping abuse on here but I also see the exasperation from many posters because I feel it as well. It's coming across as I want a baby and this loser, bully, absolute useless partner will do for now. Then the OP will be trapped, bullied, more children perhaps who grow up thinking this is how relationships are. And it doesn't seem like it's putting what's best for the hypothetical child first.

I worked with a woman who didn't meet her husband until she was 37. This was after she had chucked a guy she'd been with for about 10 years. There was no abuse or problems except the relationship was boring and pointless she said. She's now got two little girls and is very happy. It happens more than you think.

Point is OP isn't with a decent man now, and she knows it. Having children is an inherently selfish choice. That's fine. Having a child with someone you know to be emotionally abusive is an entirely different level of selfishness and not fine.

Sandra and DateXY I take your points, there's nothing about having a kid with an abuser that would be beneficial for the child or the OP.

My message was more towards the deleted poster repeatedly calling her an idiot, plus one speculatively asking whether she was planning to trick him using contraception when I don't think the OP hadn't suggested this at all.

Sometimes it just feels like a bit of a pile on when, however bad of an idea an OP is airing, they are still a human in a difficult predicament. Not a blanket meaningless 'be kind' statement, I just think the reality checks you get on here are much more valuable when it stays constructive.

I'd advise you to have your fertility checks done at a fertility clinic, they cost around £300 for an 'MOT' (you may be able to get some tests done on the NHS via your GP). This will give you an idea if there are any issues; no test is 100% definitive, but at least you'll know if there are any issues at the outset.

I appreciate the difficulty you are in. I have written a number of posts regarding being single in your mid/late 30s and being childless. I have decided to pursue solo motherhood - currently 12 weeks via IVF and a sperm donor and feel extremely lucky that the treatment has worked the first time, as I'm 39 now. Dating at 37 and desperate for a family of my own was the worst period in my life. I had been married previously but my ex husband was ambivalent about having children and I didn't want to bring a child into that situation.

Fertility clinics offer repayment loans for their treatments, and you may only need IUI (intrauterine insemination) which is much cheaper (even more so abroad) rather than IVF. Donor conception sub forum has a lot of information on the subject as does fertility friends website. Also, if you wish PM if you'd like to know more about my specific journey.

Why miss out on a chance of a motherhood because you can't find a suitable partner?

@Sillyduckseverywhere

I think some people are being a bit unfair, I started properly panicking about my chances of bring a mother at around 35. Those fears were realised when I wound up childless and in my 40s. There ARE few decent single men around that age too. Dating is horrific and I had even more precious time wasted by dickheads that strung me along by promising the earth. Think very carefully about whether it's worth it, but it might be worthwhile considering a childfree future.

I'm really sorry OP. I totally understand what dating must have been like. For all the lucky ones who ended up meeting someone at the 11th hour, there are far too many women who didn't.