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Original poster

Is this a selfish reason to break up a family?

110 replies

Grabbagrun · 29/05/2021 09:38

I’ve been married a long time, three dc.
Gradually over time I’ve realised I’m gay. I know to straight people that probably sounds insane, how could I reach 40 and not know well before. But I didn’t. Well I did and I didn’t. I sort of suspected it and tried to come out a couple of times and got shut down and then made myself ignore it so I could get married and have children.
However a couple of years ago I had therapy for something else and suddenly my sexuality became urgent. I’m gay. I know it. I feel it and once I’d accepted it about myself I felt like the constant searching stopped.
But in order to explore this further I’ve now got to let down and upset everyone in my life. It’s easier to box it back up and ignore it but what if I can’t?
I do appreciate that it sounds crazy to most people. I told a friend and her reaction wasn’t great. I said to her imagine being in a relationship with a woman and having to sleep with them etc and she said urgh, no. And I said that’s how I feel about being in a relationship with a man.
I’m aware this isn’t fair to DH but he’s perfectly happy at the moment and so are the dc. They’ve no idea at all that anything is wrong, I’ve pretended my whole life to a greater or lesser degree and I’m not sure why I can’t keep doing so but I’m really finding it very difficult.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/05/2021 09:43

Good luck with whatever you decide.
Just remember that you have only one life to live.
Is this your best way of living it? 💐

Original poster
Grabbagrun · 29/05/2021 09:45

Nope it’s not.
It’s rock and a hard place really. In many ways I feel I’ve missed my chance and I might never meet a woman anyway. It’s not really about that so much as the constant feeling of pretending though. My life feels like a lie.

OP posts:
HettySunshine · 29/05/2021 09:46

You deserve to be yourself.

Palavah · 29/05/2021 09:49

Well it would be unreasonable to expect you to continue a sexual relationship with a man, and unreasonable to expect your husband to stay in a sexless relationship.

Has he any idea?

Original poster
Grabbagrun · 29/05/2021 09:51

No he has no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grabbagrun · 29/05/2021 09:51

I pretended to be straight to suit my parents and then carried on doing so and for a long time I felt like it didn’t matter. DH and dc were enough.

OP posts:
Grumblesigh · 29/05/2021 09:52

You might never meet a new partner. That's possible.

But you KNOW that the relationship you are in now is the wrong one. And it's wrong for your dh, too. He deserves the chance to have a relationship with someone who wants to be in it.

Stop asking if it's selfish. It's a pointless question.

AdelindSchade · 29/05/2021 09:56

There must be lgbt++ help lines that you can maybe talk this through? You are only 40. A close friend of mine came out at 40 and is now married to a woman.

Pregnantandanxious · 29/05/2021 09:56

How will your husband respond do you think? If I was in his shoes, while I'd be devastated about the split I think I'd feel worse knowing my partner was so desperately sad and had been having to hide who they were for this long.
It's not selfish btw it's just a fact. You are gay and so can't be in a heterosexual relationship.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 29/05/2021 09:57

Looks a lot like you strung him along. Poor bloke.

Phoenix121 · 29/05/2021 09:57

The continual pretending might be taking its toll on your mental health, OP, but I get why you're doing that. Are your DC old enough to understand? And by that I mean are they mature teenagers?

Branleuse · 29/05/2021 09:59

I think that now you know this, you probably need to start thinking about how you live your life authentically.
Its actually ok to do this. Sometimes you do have to put yourself first especially if noone else ever has. Selfish is a really loaded word and it doesnt sound like youre a selfish person.
What age are your kids?
I actually went through similar to this but im bisexual and have had periods of feeling much more interested in women, but when I had a lot of therapy and soul searching I didnt leave my male partner and am pretty happy with him.again, but if it had persisted id have had no choice but to leave. It was a headfuck though and very unsettling. Sending you a hug

Rainbowqueeen · 29/05/2021 09:59

I agree with talking it through with someone.

I think it’s the right thing to do and it sounds like you would do your best to be respectful of your DH and work to maintain a great coparenting relationship.

Stonewall.org.uk could be useful or point you in the right direction.

Original poster
Grabbagrun · 29/05/2021 10:00

I didn’t string him along.
I realise it sounds like that but I’ve been married 20 years. Plenty of marriages don’t last that long.
It’s not as simple as I strung him along - I didn’t want to be gay and I managed to shut it out for years and years. Every so often it would be a louder voice but I wasn’t certain and suddenly I am certain.
The dc are 6, 12 and 14.

I’ve been depressed and anxious and on medication for years.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/05/2021 10:04

Its not stringing him along. People do change.
The relationship you had with your husband wasnt wasting anyomes time. It was what you chose and you have 3 lovely children and memories and hopefully can keep a friendship and be amicable and parent together.
Does he know about any of this. Do you communicate much?

MissGendered · 29/05/2021 10:04

Men do it all the time op. No one would expect a gay man to continue on in a heterosexual relationship and would actually applaud him for having the bravery to come out and live his true life cough Philip Schofield cough.

I can imagine it must be heart wrenching for you. Once all the dust has settled you might find it was the best decision of your life.

Phoenix121 · 29/05/2021 10:08

I suppose the question is, how strongly do you believe you should sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of the other members of your family?

I have to say I think it is very likely that there may be moments in the future that you wonder why the hell you sacrificed your own happiness for the sake of your family.

TheTeenageYears · 29/05/2021 10:09

I think it's probably more common than you think. I'm aware of someone in the same position, has teenagers with now exH and now in a same sex relationship. Like any relationship breakdown you have weigh up the pro's and con's but 40 is no age and whilst i'm sure there will be fall out as a result, you have a lot of years ahead of you and progressively getting more and more unhappy because you know exactly what the problem is could be really bad for your mental health.

Pregnantandanxious · 29/05/2021 10:11

It doesn't sound like you've been stringing him along. It sounds like you've been ashamed of who you are and perhaps others around you (parents?) made you feel like you weren't allowed to be your true self.

Now you know you can't continue this way of living. Depending on how you think your husband will respond it doesn't need to be acrimonious, there's no fault here. You just need to work out together how you will move forward to raise the kids so they continue to feel loved.

MuthaFunka61 · 29/05/2021 10:14

This is something which I faced 30 yrs ago @Grabbagrun. Some people can't or won't acknowledge the societal pressure which submerges our sexual orientation and it's not worth spending any significant amount of time trying to explain the how and why. Some friends will of course be supportive and ask questions so they can do this fully and in my experience you'll find a benefit in this.
I understand the strain of living a lie and the effort it takes to maintain this and my suggestion is to think through all the possible scenarios and how you'll respond to these. There's no set time frame in which you need to have the conversation with your husband but I'm assuming that you know you do and the preparation is the beginning of moving towards this.

If you take a look at Meet-up you'll possibly find lesbian groups advertised which can be invaluable. I'd be cautious if contacting a LGBTQI org or telephone service as many have swallowed the Stonewall line,but that's not to say you may strike lucky. I'd be tempted to ask to speak to a lesbian and see what happens.

Take your time and take care.

G'luck Flowers

partyatthepalace · 29/05/2021 10:22

No one should have to live like this. But don’t over dramatise your situation. People separate all the time, the kids are fine, life carries on. If you need to talk things through arrange a few counselling sessions, but don’t talk yourself into knots. Pull out all your financial info, go see a solicitor, come out with a broad sense of what will be fair to everyone. Then talk it through with your DP - yes he will be hurt and angry for a bit - but a couple years down the track it will likely be fine.

Get on with your life OP, you only have one.

CutieBear · 29/05/2021 10:29

How do you know you’re gay rather than bi? If you’re gay then you’ve deceived your poor DH for 2 decades just because you wanted to create a facade that you’re straight. You shouldn’t stay in this marriage if you don’t love your DH, but be prepared that your DH will rightfully feel deceived and strung along because you were ashamed to come out as gay.

DifferentHair · 29/05/2021 10:34

This makes me so sad for your DH and for you.

It's so unfair to your DH who lost his chance to meet and start a family with the right person.

I don't have any advice, it's really a no win situation. Are there LGBTI services that provide counseling for this?

Best of luck to you OP.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 29/05/2021 10:37

I didn’t mean the “stringing along” comment to sound dismissive of the turmoil you’re going through I’m sorry, not enough coffee before MN this morning.

But you said yourself you tried to come out a couple of times - to me this means you knew you were gay, you didn’t have a lot of support so you pretended to be straight to your husband and kept pretending for 20 years. Just because some marriages don’t last that long doesn’t mean a thing in your situation.

But at the same time, you’re homosexual. That is 100% ok. You deserve to spend the rest of your life with someone you truly love and are attracted to, and you absolutely should not stay in your marriage just because of the kids or because of the hurt your husband will feel. He will get over it and move on with his life, and providing you’re honest with him and do make sure he knows it was never your intention to hurt him this way, you’re not responsible for his future happiness.

Whatever you decide, I really do hope it works out so you can be happy too. Every single one of us makes mistakes during life, you’re not the first person to marry the opposite sex despite being homosexual and you definitely won’t be the last. I’m really sorry you didn’t have the support and acceptance to come out a lot sooner Flowers

AntsMarching · 29/05/2021 12:13

I dated a guy when I was 19, he was 20. His mother came out when he was 13/14. I don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but he was still angry about it and felt like his mother had chosen her girlfriend over him (he was an only). It took a long time for their relationship to heal.

All that can be true in a situation where parents spilt for other reasons, but for him, it was very hard to talk about because he was embarrassed about his mother being gay. This was the 90s and hopefully people's attitudes have moved on, but I'm saying that your children may need extra support, above just dealing with their parent's splitting up.